From the front lines:
“Here are the autopsy results from last week (this is for fixed income sales & trading, who were told if they made it through layoffs were good to go and would be paid): Way more than just ‘the bottom 50%’ got zeroes. Questions were asked about criteria for ranking in the top vs. bottom 50, none of which were answered. It seemed clear that there was no formula and that the people who were told they would get ‘market’ got nothing close to it. Everybody left the office for the rest of the day. At one point there was only one guy on any of the desks – and he was drunk. It’s still a ghost town almost a week later.”
No formula for comp? At UBS? Where are all their analysts? Surely they could help.
At least I got 3 hots and a cot.
Looks like Stamford Honda is in for a rough 2013.
Yeah but the top 50% get 5.53% 98.45% of 23.54% years worked based on a 99.50% confidence level!
UBS Ex-VAR Risk Manager, College Recruiter Quant
"It seemed clear that there was no formula and that the people who were told they would get ‘market’ got nothing close to it. "
Fine – you want the formula – you got it. The entire bonus pool this year (well more like a Dixie cup than a pool) was $10. Since we had this in singles we gave 10 employees $1 each and the other 10 we gave $0. But how did we decide who to give the money to? We started handing out bonuses alphabetically. I think we ran out somewhere around "Morris".
-UBS CCO (Chief Cultural Officer) who would like to remind everyone that money isn't everything which is good because we have nothing
You can afford to get drunk on what UBS pays? Sign me up!
—Foster Brooks
sell the UBS building.Sstamford needs yet more high end condos at $550k a pop (forget that houses around cost about the same..) to house the…Bridgewater employees to already live in the area and are giving realtors wet dreams of moving up 4 exits…right.
Nice deployment of the ellipsis there, really adds a lot of value to your comment.
Stamford isn't really that nice of a town.
"Way more than just ‘the bottom 50%’ got zeroes"
Isn't that because way more than 50% are in the bottom half at UBS?
- UBS Quant
They all came here, but they tried to make it rain using pennies and paper clips, so we asked them to leave.
Oh, NOOOOOOOO!
-AM Bartender, Metro North
It's a city dumb ass
Am I the only one who found it hilarious that UBS mgmt is talking with a straight face about a bottom *50* percent? I need no convincing that the average investment bank has lots of idiots and do-nothings running around, but fully half the employees? I want to see that bell curve.
Everyone left for the day with the exception of a drunk. That's actually UBS's best strategy to hedge against losses.
I'm looking for a new ass't who's open to new positions.
Egad!!
What happened to the days when an admin would get a $10,000 bonus?!
Yes …dumb……….ass….
I'm pretty sure UBS is letting Bess use their executive Honda Fit or she wouldnt keep posting these updates. I smell something going on behind the scenes. Yeah, just like a movie.
More from the front lines at IBank: 100% of employees are focused on moving on to their next endeavor. Management cannot tell people with any confidence that division will exist in a year
Given the circumstances senior mgmt has decided that the UBS PAC, known for its compulsory $1,500 contributions from its MDs, is now accepting canned goods, in lieu of cash
Paper clips? Those were the days…
- Deutsche Bank MD
UBS CCO
( IE the drunk guy )
Hey! Bring those paper clips back to the office!
-Ace
And why are you surprised given UBS's announced strat going forward?
Let's gather round for a quick review of the senior IB management plan and execution during 2012:
- Exit all non profitable business on an RWA and ROE basis A+, you did this well
- Focus on a couple low risk business areas with a proven track record that compliment your WM, AM aspirations A+, you did this well too
- Reduce expenses, headcount and fire non-performing staff F-, you have a bloated back office full of redundant incompetent people, you also have 500+ MD's with massive salaries and co-heads of everything, no one is actually accountable for anything, many folks in charge during Libor/Kweku etc are still there and were paid a bonus this year – FAIL
- Pay your top producing people a market compensation based upon their performance F-, FAIL, you gave fair bonuses to back office people and paid your board and senior leadership quite well compared to your competitors while awarding more than 75% of your top producing front office staff a dick in the ear daring them to leave. Your trading floors are now empty as your top talent floods recruiter in boxes with CV's, and most of your senior revenue folks spend their days drinking at the bar, drinking at their desk, jerking off in the bathroom, interviewing for a better job, or going to the gym. Your businesses that actually make money won't exist in 6months. You'll be left with mediocre losers who are incapable of making money.
It's time to fire the out of touch incompetent useless senior management at this firm.
"At one point there was only one guy on any of the desks – and he was drunk. It’s still a ghost town almost a week later.”
How is this different from any other day at UBS?
"way more than 'just the bottom 50%"' = the bottom 100%
Stop sugar coding and tell us how you really feel.
UBS HR
So they are hiring?
- Dude who really needs Bloomberg to prepare for interviews and run out of the 6 month free trial about four years ago…
Show me your O face
City that works right?
you suck
I love sugar coding!
-fat UBS IT guy
So after firing a third of ibd, a third got zero, and the top third got "street" (per management). The only thing is street seems to be 40% -60% lower than any other bank across the board. Everyone is trying to leave but most cannot which is exactly why management is doing this to us.
Little did the employees know that the 'street' management was referring to was unfortunately Washington Blvd.
City that fails.
The formula at UBS is quite simple. Either you're in or out. So IF U=Friends with McCann & Co, then bonus =$$$. If U=Not freinds with McCann & Co, then bonus sucks ass!!! Simple, right!!