Now that the Apollo and Metropolous & Co. have officially bought the Twinkie—in an auction that drew precisely one bid, theirs—the private equity firms have figured out how to turn around a company that other private equity firms couldn’t/ran into the ground.

First, they’re not going to rehire everyone. Second, they’re going to outsource distribution. Lastly, and most importantly, they’re going to hire Zach Galifianakis or Will Ferrell.

Evan Metropoulos, part of a team that is offering $410 million to buy the Hostess brands out of bankruptcy, told Bankruptcy Beat Tuesday afternoon that the “Hangover” star—a fellow “Greek guy” and friend—and the reality-television show cast are on the list of famous faces who may be in line to sell Twinkies to a new generation of snackers.

“We have a million A-list celebrities and athletes and so forth that are dying to be associated with the Hostess brands like Twinkies,” said Metropoulos, whose family owns Pabst Brewing Co. “We are going to be pulling out a couple fabulous names.”

He hinted at the possibility of a quirky, viral ad campaign along the lines of what Will Ferrell did for Old Milwaukee beer, which Pabst owns.

Not convinced that’ll turn things around? Perhaps you’d like a bite of this potential atrocity:

“As the years go by, we may evaluate opportunities to come out with some different versions of these products and baked goods that are more health-conscious.”

That means you could—we repeat, could—one day see low-fat Twinkies. Or whole-wheat Twinkies. Or low-carb Twinkies. Or organic Twinkies.

Forget a Hangover; New Twinkies Owner Is on a Sugar Rush [WSJ Bankruptcy Beat blog]
Winners Emerge in Twinkies Auction [WSJ]
Apollo, Metropolous Win Majority of Hostess Snack-Cakes [Bloomberg]

9 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (9)

  1. Posted by 2_Small_2_Bail | March 13, 2013 at 4:28 PM

    Twinkies – the secret to getting a comedian's body.

  2. Posted by quant me maybe... | March 13, 2013 at 4:33 PM

    You know what will sell Twinkies?

    If you can convince guys that their wive's asses will look like this … If they eat 10 or more a day. That's how you sell fucking twinkies.

    <img src="http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/beautiful-yoga-pants-3.jpg?w=500&h=677&quot; height="50%" width = "50%"/>

  3. Posted by CF_no A though | March 13, 2013 at 4:33 PM

    I don't believe Will or Zack have the ability to help you out of the hole you've dug Shaz.

  4. Posted by Im_a_Dude | March 13, 2013 at 4:42 PM

    I was thinking, what the fuck is Shazar talking about here. Someone else could have posted about hostess, Apollo, Zach etc and would have been a decent post. Why did Bess have shazar do this post and turn into absolutely nothing sack of shit. Then it hit me…. Shazar must know a lot about "real" twinkies, so he thought he could leverage that knowledge into a smackin good post about hostess twinkies.
    Balls, was he wrong.

  5. Posted by Guest | March 13, 2013 at 5:11 PM

    Who eats the twinkies, you or the wife?

  6. Posted by Quant me maybe... | March 13, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    Whatever gets the job done my friend. Whatever gets the job done.

  7. Posted by spiderbro | March 14, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    Good post by Shazar. We're getting better.

  8. Posted by 2000's SNL quant | March 14, 2013 at 11:20 AM

    I don't know if it's the warming effect of the casual Will Ferrell reference but I don't hate this one. Bravo?.

  9. Posted by Paleo Snacks | December 19, 2013 at 11:55 PM

    Paleo Twinkies?