Private Equity

New Hostess Owners’ Infallible Business Plan: Zach Galifianakis And Healthy Twinkies

Now that the Apollo and Metropolous & Co. have officially bought the Twinkie—in an auction that drew precisely one bid, theirs—the private equity firms have figured out how to turn around a company that other private equity firms couldn’t/ran into the ground.

First, they’re not going to rehire everyone. Second, they’re going to outsource distribution. Lastly, and most importantly, they’re going to hire Zach Galifianakis or Will Ferrell.

Evan Metropoulos, part of a team that is offering $410 million to buy the Hostess brands out of bankruptcy, told Bankruptcy Beat Tuesday afternoon that the “Hangover” star—a fellow “Greek guy” and friend—and the reality-television show cast are on the list of famous faces who may be in line to sell Twinkies to a new generation of snackers.

“We have a million A-list celebrities and athletes and so forth that are dying to be associated with the Hostess brands like Twinkies,” said Metropoulos, whose family owns Pabst Brewing Co. “We are going to be pulling out a couple fabulous names.”

He hinted at the possibility of a quirky, viral ad campaign along the lines of what Will Ferrell did for Old Milwaukee beer, which Pabst owns.

Not convinced that’ll turn things around? Perhaps you’d like a bite of this potential atrocity:

“As the years go by, we may evaluate opportunities to come out with some different versions of these products and baked goods that are more health-conscious.”

That means you could—we repeat, could—one day see low-fat Twinkies. Or whole-wheat Twinkies. Or low-carb Twinkies. Or organic Twinkies.

Forget a Hangover; New Twinkies Owner Is on a Sugar Rush [WSJ Bankruptcy Beat blog]
Winners Emerge in Twinkies Auction [WSJ]
Apollo, Metropolous Win Majority of Hostess Snack-Cakes [Bloomberg]

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14 Responses to “New Hostess Owners’ Infallible Business Plan: Zach Galifianakis And Healthy Twinkies”

  1. 2_Small_2_Bail says:

    Twinkies – the secret to getting a comedian's body.

  2. quant me maybe... says:

    You know what will sell Twinkies?

    If you can convince guys that their wive's asses will look like this … If they eat 10 or more a day. That's how you sell fucking twinkies.

    <img src="http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/beautiful-yoga-pants-3.jpg?w=500&h=677&quot; height="50%" width = "50%"/>

  3. CF_no A though says:

    I don't believe Will or Zack have the ability to help you out of the hole you've dug Shaz.

  4. Im_a_Dude says:

    I was thinking, what the fuck is Shazar talking about here. Someone else could have posted about hostess, Apollo, Zach etc and would have been a decent post. Why did Bess have shazar do this post and turn into absolutely nothing sack of shit. Then it hit me…. Shazar must know a lot about "real" twinkies, so he thought he could leverage that knowledge into a smackin good post about hostess twinkies.
    Balls, was he wrong.

  5. Quant me maybe... says:

    Whatever gets the job done my friend. Whatever gets the job done.

  6. spiderbro says:

    Good post by Shazar. We're getting better.

  7. 2000's SNL quant says:

    I don't know if it's the warming effect of the casual Will Ferrell reference but I don't hate this one. Bravo?.

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