Opening Bell

Opening Bell: 03.27.13

Cyprus Sets Bank Restructuring (WSJ)
Cyprus’s central bank chief said Tuesday that large depositors at the island’s biggest lender, Bank of Cyprus Pcl, could lose as much as 40% on their deposits. In a television interview later, the finance minister said large uninsured deposit holders at the second-biggest, Cyprus Popular Bank Pcl, might only see one-fifth of their money returned and could wait several years before being paid back. Central banker Panicos Demetriades said at a news conference that a special administrator would be appointed to oversee both the winding down of Cyprus Popular, also known as Laiki, and the merger of its healthy assets with Bank of Cyprus. Plans for the move prompted Bank of Cyprus Chairman Andreas Artemis to submit his resignation earlier in the day.

UK Banks Facing Capital Shortfall (WSJ)
U.K. banks must come up with £25 billion in fresh capital by the end of the year to start plugging an estimated £50 billion ($75.8 billion) capital shortfall across the sector, the Bank of England’s Financial Policy Committee said Wednesday.

Banks Looking At $100 Billion Legal Tab (WSJ)
The largest U.S. banks—Citigroup, J.P. Morgan Chase & Co., Bank of America Corp. and Wells Fargo—together have paid $61.3 billion to settle credit-crisis and mortgage claims over the past three years, according to SNL Financial, Charlottesville, Va. Research firm Compass Point Research & Trading LLC estimates that U.S. banks will wind up owing a further $24.7 billion related to the repurchase of faulty mortgage loans.

From Finance to Sex Therapy: London Bankers Escape (CNBC)
Mike Lousada, an investment banker turned sex therapist, told CNBC that City workers should “follow their passion” and find an interest they could even develop into their own business. Having worked for two decades at Nomura, JP Morgan, Barclays and Societe Generale “amongst others,” Lousada told CNBC that his change of career from banking to sexual healing was a life choice. “I felt my City career no longer had meaning for me and I wanted to pursue something which gave my life meaning and purpose. As I grew, emotionally, I realized how unfulfilled I felt and I knew that there was something else calling me which would be more fulfilling,” he told CNBC. Called the “orgasm guru” among London’s chattering classes, Lousada has built up a reputation as a talented sex therapist with a long waiting list of clients paying 300 pounds ($454) for a therapy session with him.

Woman Attempts To Hide Tadpoles In Her Mouth At The Airport (UPI)
When airport security found a bottle of liquid in the woman’s carry-on luggage, they informed her that she’d either have to immediately drink or dispose of the liquid. The woman tipped back the small bottle and drank its contents, but security became suspicious when she refused to swallow. The woman eventually spit out was she was holding in her mouth: tadpoles.

Lehman plans to distribute $14.2 billion to creditors (Reuters)
The distribution includes about $9.4 billion to third-party creditors and affiliates, $4.4 billion among other debtors, and $370 million for newly-allowed claims.

Berkshire Set To Get Big Goldman Stake (WSJ)
The billionaire chief executive of Berkshire Hathaway accepted the stake in exchange for giving up his company’s right to purchase a larger number of Goldman shares at a below-market price, according to terms of the deal announced Tuesday. The pact, worth about $1.5 billion after Tuesday’s close, puts an exclamation point on the Omaha, Neb. company’s financial-crisis lifeline to Goldman. Berkshire’s realized and paper winnings on the 2008 preferred-stock investment now exceed $3 billion, making it one of Mr. Buffett’s most lucrative bets in recent years.

G4S Readies Guards as Cypriot Banks Prepare to Open (Reuters)
The world’s largest security firm, G4S, moves cash and will provide guards for Cypriot lenders including Bank of Cyprus and Cyprus Popular Bank, the two biggest, which are to be combined and see large depositors’ accounts frozen under a bailout agreed at the weekend. Cypriot banks have been shut for more than a week while the government worked out the bailout and will stay closed until Thursday to prevent a run. Meanwhile, Cypriots have been queuing to withdraw cash from automatic teller machines, with limits at some shrinking down to 100 euros a day. John Arghyrou, managing director of the Cyprus business for G4S, said its 750 employees have been working through the night, going out to replenish cash machines with police guard. Licensing rules prevented the firm from bringing in extra staff to handle the unprecedented workload.

Man charged with assault after roommate drew on him (WJLA)
A 31-year-old Arlington man is in jail after he was accused of assaulting his roommate when he realized he had drawn male genitalia on him. The alleged assault happened at about 5:30 a.m. Saturday inside a home in the 3100 block of North 17th Street. The accused, James Denham Watson, woke up to find that his roommate drew on his face.
Watson then allegedly assaulted his roommate, leaving him with serious, extensive injuries to the face. He was taken to Virginia Hospital Center to be treated for his injuries. The suspect was subsequently arrested and charged with malicious wounding. He’s being held without bond. The drawing on Watson’s face was still present when he was booked.

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32 Responses to “Opening Bell: 03.27.13”

  1. Arlingtonian says:

    Non obfuscated booking picture here:

  2. Guest says:

    There's a joke somewhere in this sex guru feeling unfulfilled and subsequently filling others' voids.

    – Disgruntled guy stealing preempting, ruining your joke because he woke up with genitalia on his face.

    • Shazared says:

      I appreciated the juxtaposition of that article and the article about mouths full of tadpoles. Summer analysts and Shazar, beware.

  3. Guest says:

    Hmm… Weird. Usually Asians have no trouble swallowing the swimmers.

  4. VonSloneker says:

    Draw a penis on your friend's face, expect severe retribution. The authorities shouldn't have juristiction here, this is a guy code matter.

    – Guy who has injured and been injured pranking roommates

    • Lionel Hutz says:

      The Code is: Don't pass out in a common area. The dude was out of order. Nolo contendere.

      • VonSloneker says:

        Clearly my circle of friends and I were lushes. One of us passing out toward the end of the night, sitting straight up, Sega Genesis controller in hand, half drunk Mickey's Big Mouth spilling all over your new Girbauds…happened all the time.

        • Fewdollarsmore says:

          The whole situation would have been less volatile if he had drawn a face on his penis instead!

        • Big Ideas Guy says:

          Maybe we could add VS loves the 90s to Naked Short's views on parenting as regular DB comment themes?

          • VonSloneker says:

            What's not to love? Plus…can anyone argue that it's been all downhill since Y2K?

          • Guest says:

            Did you mean 'not argue'?

          • VonSloneker says:

            Of course you're right. My mind was elsewhere. Specifically, Lollapalooza 1992. Lineup for the ages…ridiculously hot.

            "…can anyone argue that it hasn't been all downhill since Y2K?"

        • Lionel Hutz says:

          I probably should have worded that better. It's OK to pass out wherever you need to. However, if you pass out in a common area, you are subject to whatever a drunken friend with a sharpie chooses to dish out. You need to wake up, look in the mirror, and summon a rueful grin about the episode.

    • Deleveraging says:

      Forget the face painting, that's not the issue here. The real issue is your 31 years old and you still have a roommate; sorry something very wrong here.

      • Guest says:

        I'm about that age and I have a roommate, well that is how I refer to her while I'm out on the town.

  5. Fuck me Dude says:

    What is this shit? I’m at Trader Joe’s over the weekend, and we all know the chicks at TJs that are shopping in their workout clothes are available aka craven the dong. Now where am I going with this you ask? Well you see I come across this fine ass brunette. Top to bottom nice pooper –you know the routine. Now I’m just about to make my move when she starts holding hands with this butch dude looking lezbo! Really?! My question to her is why? Why date a chick that wants to be a dude, but is missing the pecker? Deep down do chicks want a scrawny guy with a plastic attachable schlong that smells like a lake? Fuck me dude.

    • Short, But Long says:

      What the hell kind of lakes have you been swimming in?

    • Deleveraging says:

      Mistake number one: Trader Joe's

      – Guy who read the first sentence and assumed you were going to ask if I ever noticed the girl's in Trader Joe's all have hairy armpits

    • Guesti says:

      The fact that you refer to girls buts as a poopers bolstered my initial assumption (after I read, as Deleveraging noted, you were shopping as Trader Joe's) that you are in fact, a loser.

    • Alpha_Bets says:

      "Craven the Dong" sounds like some WWF heel. A cross between Kwang and Val Venis.

  6. Meh Baby says:

    Really hoping for a Trader Baby update today!

    -Kind of bookish guy who downed half a bottle of Glenmorangie reading Caro's LBJ biography last night baby, had a solid six come over and had pretty average sex with her baby, keep a Volvo out at the parents place in Riverside baby, meh, this isn't really working, hope his P&L's looking good.

  7. Guest says:

    My name is Oliver, and I have never had a penis drawn on me.

  8. Fewdollarsmore says:

    Anyone who reads DB knows that when you face the liquidity risk, you have to swallow the tadpoles.

  9. Guest says:

    The woman at the airport really needs to talk to Mr. Lousada to help her overcum her fear.

  10. Hobbes says:

    Orgasm guru? That should be a title at the SEC.