If Tommy “I will run you over in the street” Belesis ever beats those fraud charges, the first thing he does is contact the writer of this letter to sign up for a 2-week intensive course that involves shadowing the master around campus (there is much to learn). The rest of you: take notes.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee [first name redacted], I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that’s not f*cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c0cks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little sh!ts that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f*cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a F*CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f*cking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But [first name redacted]!”, you say in a whiny little b!tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f*cking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f*cking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F*cking. Team. ARE YOU F*CKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SH!T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f*cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird sh!t that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.

I’m not f*cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking f@ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t f*cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn c0ck block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f*cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn b0ner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f*ck. Go f*ck yourself.

-[Last name redacted]

“WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR”: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters [Deadspin]

95 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (95)

  1. Posted by Puck It | April 18, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    What are you trying to say? Don't hold back, just tell it like it is.

  2. Posted by InfiniteGuest | April 18, 2013 at 2:46 PM

    Hire her.

  3. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 2:48 PM

    She's a keeper. A real "bring her home to meet the folks" kind of gal.

  4. Posted by Bored Guest | April 18, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    As long as she doesn't cunt punt your Mom.

  5. Posted by PermaGuestII | April 18, 2013 at 2:54 PM

    I predict a future for this woman that involves large-scale cat ownership.

  6. Posted by Guest's Mom | April 18, 2013 at 2:58 PM

    It's cool. I wouldn't mind.

    -Belladonna

  7. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 2:58 PM

    I'm taking notes, here's what I have so far:

    1) Being "awkward" and "boring" is an effective way to avoid emotionally unstable young women

    2) The year now has 368 days, of which only 361 can be used to talk to one's sisters

    3) Mental deficiencies require a written certification from the mentally deficient person in order to be recognized

    4) Kickball is serious business

    5) Writing unhinged e-mails with LOTS OF WORDS TYPED IN ALL CAPS is perfectly normal and expected behavior, it's people who do not drink heavily and throw themselves at fraternity bros that are "weird"

  8. Posted by Horny F. Trader | April 18, 2013 at 2:59 PM

    part of the problem here might be that the sisters actually DON'T suck

  9. Posted by Ze Wire | April 18, 2013 at 3:04 PM

    YUP!

    -Anonymous Terrapin Penis

  10. Posted by rmh21 | April 18, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    the sorostitute who wrote this must be Bess's sister

  11. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 3:08 PM

    The cats will keep her company while she works on her unauthorized biography of laxbro during the years they were together.

  12. Posted by guesticles | April 18, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    you're an idiot.

  13. Posted by Deleveraging | April 18, 2013 at 3:12 PM

    I love this girl!

    – Guy who is still scratching his head and wondering why the Big Ten would deem a shit-hole like Maryland worthy.

  14. Posted by Keeper of the Keep | April 18, 2013 at 3:16 PM

    I will FUCKING ASSAULT YOU FACE! Bess's inbox is a GOD DAMN NATIONAL TREASURE!

  15. Posted by Turnip Truck | April 18, 2013 at 3:21 PM

    What's her problem? They could just bring more ziti to these mixers.

  16. Posted by PippyLongSausage | April 18, 2013 at 3:24 PM

    No, she messed up when she said " fucking faggots." (towards the end.

    The LGBT community is NOT going to respond well to this. Do you FUCKING hear me InfiniteGuest?

  17. Posted by Texashedge | April 18, 2013 at 3:25 PM

    I like it how she's trying to impress the Sigma Nus of all people.

    As we used to say, "no Nus is good news"

  18. Posted by Texashedge | April 18, 2013 at 3:26 PM

    I'll just say this…there's a reason that the DG logo is an anchor.

  19. Posted by Tubthumper | April 18, 2013 at 3:33 PM

    Yeah, well, death by SNU SNU for you!

  20. Posted by Mrs. Rick James | April 18, 2013 at 3:40 PM

    cocaine is a hell of a drug

  21. Posted by VonSloneker | April 18, 2013 at 3:41 PM

    This girl is just the sort of go getter we needed during the Business v Engineering Olympics fiasco of 2012. I do so miss the pub crawls…

    – DB Lore Guy

  22. Posted by I want winners ! | April 18, 2013 at 3:42 PM

    Just a kid. I think it is hilarious and genuine. We need more bluntness and less sophistry in this country.

    Plus it's internal.

  23. Posted by Alpha_Bets | April 18, 2013 at 3:43 PM

    You kiss your mother with that mouth? Someone should warn her. When it comes to the herp, sharing is not caring.

  24. Posted by Xander | April 18, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    It's fake, you moron. This website has really gone into the shitter.

  25. Posted by Nubro | April 18, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    'SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK"

    Au contraire

  26. Posted by speakmind | April 18, 2013 at 3:45 PM

    gay comment

  27. Posted by broseph | April 18, 2013 at 3:47 PM

    "I swear to f–ing God if I see anyone being a g–d-mn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me."

    – My wife and I were thinking of hosting a party with some other couples. I going to have her to use that line in the invitations.

  28. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 3:49 PM

    Sure about that dickbag?

    "UPDATE: We received the following email from the chapter president, who says that the email does not reflect the chapter's values:

    My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.

    Sincerely,

    Rachel Norris"
    http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-soror

  29. Posted by Thesaurus | April 18, 2013 at 3:56 PM

    I felt the comment swung both ways

  30. Posted by Im_a_Dude | April 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    i was wondering what happened to Chuck's daughter.

  31. Posted by spiderbro | April 18, 2013 at 3:58 PM

    Her name is Rebecca Martinson. You're welcome.

  32. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 3:59 PM

    As a guy, I can relate to this. You think all is going well, then one night in the car, coming home from a party, something sets her off and its the hounds of hell unleashed.

  33. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:00 PM

    I'm pretty sure she meant to say the Sigma Nu will not want to hang out with us unless we SUCK and FUCK.

  34. Posted by Sherl | April 18, 2013 at 4:03 PM

    LEAN THE FUCK IN BEFORE I CUNT PUNT YOU.
    – Sheryl

  35. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:04 PM

    I liked the line "stop being a cock block for our chapter"….. the implication seems to be she wants the "ladies" of the chapter to offer it as easily as possible!

  36. Posted by Texashedge | April 18, 2013 at 4:05 PM

    Just looked her up. Total smokeshow
    http://www.mugshotsonline.com/georgia/woodstock/r

  37. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:05 PM
  38. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:07 PM

    At least she's reasonably hot.
    http://totalfratmove.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/

  39. Posted by PippyLongSausage | April 18, 2013 at 4:09 PM

    My comment was bad, and I should feel bad.

  40. Posted by Steve Weatherford | April 18, 2013 at 4:14 PM

    Think "cunt punt' might also need to be a tag, that one could really get a lot of play moving forward.

  41. Posted by creepy guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:21 PM
  42. Posted by Uncle | April 18, 2013 at 4:21 PM

    No matter what a feminist tries to tell you; sleep your way to the top is the only way.

  43. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:25 PM

    You need to look smokeshow up on urban dictionary or something. It does not mean "completely unhinged lunatic who has chosen a series of greek social events as the receptacle for every ounce of her energy."

  44. Posted by DK'd | April 18, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    I see a gal with intern potential

  45. Posted by Laxbro | April 18, 2013 at 4:26 PM

    Eh, I don't think hot means what you think it means.

  46. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:27 PM

    Because if you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about hooking up with a slow witted, socially inept frat boy at the university of maryland. Aim high my friend, aim high.

  47. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:31 PM

    Man I did a lot of stupid shit in college but happy to say that joining a group of rent-a-friend sexually conflicted douche bros wasn't one of them.

  48. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:33 PM

    I don't need to read the entire letter to know this is some insecure nu frat rat attempting to appease her supply of cock. While she was making sandwiches a few nu bros leaned on her about how none of her sisters put out… like what the fuck we can rage with other houses you know.

    The lesson learned here: don't send your kids to shitty big ten schools.

  49. Posted by St. Copious | April 18, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I'm trying to imagine what takes place in the neurons and blood vessels of a woman who got that angry in an email about a stupid sorority mixer when she finds out that one of her sisters leaked it to the press. That's a rage level literally beyond my comprehension.

  50. Posted by Texashedge | April 18, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    I thought I was laying it on pretty thick

  51. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:36 PM

    This chick is crazy
    http://imgur.com/a/bAJhA

  52. Posted by Frat | April 18, 2013 at 4:37 PM

    fucking GDI

  53. Posted by still good | April 18, 2013 at 4:39 PM

    She is all right yes , but I was kinda hoping for the crazy eyes a little… Like that red chick on here who was suing about the wedding. That's fun….not like the eye rollers who only care about getting themselves off.

    i w

  54. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:52 PM

    Wow, that is amazing. As a man who has a penchant for crazy, even that is out of my tolerance zone.

  55. Posted by Guestido | April 18, 2013 at 4:53 PM

    Except Maryland is in the ACC

  56. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:55 PM

    This one might even be too crazy for Laxbro to handle

  57. Posted by PippyLongSausage | April 18, 2013 at 4:56 PM

    Shut up laxbro you would totally fly out to michigan for her.

  58. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 4:57 PM
  59. Posted by Guestido | April 18, 2013 at 4:59 PM

    for now

  60. Posted by US Bates | April 18, 2013 at 5:03 PM

    I think this is Laxbro's slam he mentioned earlier.

  61. Posted by Im_a_Dude | April 18, 2013 at 5:05 PM

    Lax, you would get on a Bolt bus to U Maryland for her.

  62. Posted by Laxbro | April 18, 2013 at 5:09 PM

    Well, if she was at Michigan I'd know she has a brain. But why would anybody fly to College Park to plow white trash when New Jersey and Long Island girls exist?

  63. Posted by Sucks to suck | April 18, 2013 at 5:14 PM

    Didn't get a bid and still pissed off about it even after graduation? That's sad man. The only sexual conflict I had in college was deciding whether to bang the girl with the huge cans or the girl who could suck a golfball through a garden hose. Sometimes the answer was both.

    And bragging about not being sexually conflicted doesn't work out when it's because you only take a cock in the ass.

  64. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 5:19 PM

    Yes, clearly I am the one, between the two of us, with lingering issues here. You're doing just fine.

    By any chance is your last name Martinson?

  65. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 5:23 PM

    Strong to very strong.

  66. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 5:39 PM

    We had DG at my school and let's just it wouldn't hurt them to skip a few meals. Anyways, here are my favorite sorority nicknames that are dead on accurate IMHO:

    Alpha Phi – It's always free w/ Alpha Phi
    Tri-Sig – Try Sig – why not? everybody else has
    DG – you can't spell dog w/o D and G
    Tri-Delta – Delta Delta Delta can we helpya helpya helpya?

  67. Posted by CAPM | April 18, 2013 at 6:02 PM

    You got me good, Tex.

    -Guy whose hopes were dashed

  68. Posted by Guests | April 18, 2013 at 6:02 PM

    Actually, it was written by Rebecca Martinson. This has been confirmed.

  69. Posted by Donny | April 18, 2013 at 6:16 PM

    Future Strip Club Cocktail Waitress or Stripper? I'm going with waitress that also turns tricks sometimes…

  70. Posted by Yaniv Vaknin | April 18, 2013 at 6:27 PM

    Homophobe jerk

  71. Posted by Yaniv Vaknin | April 18, 2013 at 6:33 PM

    Your ! You illiterate loud mouth.

  72. Posted by guest | April 18, 2013 at 6:39 PM

    This girl is the dick fuld of the delta gammas. Only thing missing from the end of the email: "THE SRS ALWAYS WINS!"

  73. Posted by Sigma Nu Big Bro | April 18, 2013 at 6:43 PM

    I guess being major douches does get us laid after all.

    Sigma Nu Bro

  74. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 6:53 PM

    Kill yourself.

  75. Posted by Guest | April 18, 2013 at 7:01 PM

    Nothing goes down faster than an anchor.

  76. Posted by DIBS! | April 18, 2013 at 7:21 PM

    Question 1:

    Ray Guy is to footballs as Rebecca Martinson is to ________

    (A) Boners
    (B) Retards
    (C) unts
    (D) Ass hats

  77. Posted by fact checker | April 18, 2013 at 8:56 PM

    strong to very strong

  78. Posted by SarcasmOrgazm | April 19, 2013 at 1:23 AM

    Hinging your sorority's worth on validation from men

    Woo victory for feminazism

  79. Posted by Central_Wanker | April 19, 2013 at 7:58 AM

    She'd prob be a great marketress for Handbridge Captial…

    -Also a DB Lore Guy

  80. Posted by Beccy | April 19, 2013 at 8:36 AM

    the pimp is motivating her fleet before a hard work day

  81. Posted by Guest | April 19, 2013 at 9:25 AM

    Laxbro, thoughts on this?

  82. Posted by Little Fritz | April 19, 2013 at 10:04 AM

    Yep, and if you're really lucky, she married someone else.

  83. Posted by Correction | April 19, 2013 at 11:21 AM

    More like Bang Bus.

  84. Posted by Guestido | April 19, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    Don't underestimate him

  85. Posted by hugh jorgen | April 19, 2013 at 11:58 AM

    she needs her bangs trimmed and i've just the guy to bang…i mean 'trim' them…

  86. Posted by ExLaxbro | April 19, 2013 at 12:44 PM

    It's the shit.

  87. Posted by Guest | April 19, 2013 at 12:47 PM

    Those bangs look to be hiding quite abit of forehead.

  88. Posted by UBS | April 19, 2013 at 5:13 PM

    I want to hire her

    UBS MD

  89. Posted by Guest | April 19, 2013 at 7:22 PM

    Is he vaguely asian?

  90. Posted by tuffyguy | April 20, 2013 at 7:32 PM

    bess's inbox is the nki

  91. Posted by Quant me maybe... | April 21, 2013 at 2:10 PM

    And I guarantee you, if her resume comes across my desk she gets a serious look for an internship this summer.

  92. Posted by flaming dragon | April 22, 2013 at 3:22 PM

    she's like a female less grossman.

    -flaming dragon

  93. Posted by pippyshortsausage | April 23, 2013 at 11:20 AM

    Really gay comment

  94. Posted by http://wikiit.co.il/שיחת_משתמש:LloydRudd | April 24, 2013 at 2:34 AM

    Currently it looks like WordPress is the best blogging platform out there right now.

    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?

  95. Posted by EQ in Dallas | April 25, 2013 at 10:24 PM

    Why does a piece of gold like this get down-voted? Dealbreaker readers are such fucking prudes. The attitude here is so NOT Wall Street.