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“I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU”: Sorority Girl Offers Wall Street A Clinic In Motivating People

If Tommy “I will run you over in the street” Belesis ever beats those fraud charges, the first thing he does is contact the writer of this letter to sign up for a 2-week intensive course that involves shadowing the master around campus (there is much to learn). The rest of you: take notes.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee [first name redacted], I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.

I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that’s not f*cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid c0cks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR.

This also applies to you little sh!ts that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f*cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a F*CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f*cking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

“But [first name redacted]!”, you say in a whiny little b!tch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f*cking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f*cking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F*cking. Team. ARE YOU F*CKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SH!T about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f*cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.

“Ohhh, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird sh!t that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:

DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.

I’m not f*cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking f@ggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t f*cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn c0ck block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f*cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn b0ner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f*ck. Go f*ck yourself.

-[Last name redacted]

“WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR”: A Sorority Girl Lashes Out At Her Sisters [Deadspin]

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95 Responses to ““I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU”: Sorority Girl Offers Wall Street A Clinic In Motivating People”

  1. Puck It says:

    What are you trying to say? Don't hold back, just tell it like it is.

  2. InfiniteGuest says:

    Hire her.

  3. Guest says:

    She's a keeper. A real "bring her home to meet the folks" kind of gal.

  4. PermaGuestII says:

    I predict a future for this woman that involves large-scale cat ownership.

    • Guest says:

      The cats will keep her company while she works on her unauthorized biography of laxbro during the years they were together.

    • Texashedge says:

      I'll just say this…there's a reason that the DG logo is an anchor.

      • guest says:

        We had DG at my school and let's just it wouldn't hurt them to skip a few meals. Anyways, here are my favorite sorority nicknames that are dead on accurate IMHO:

        Alpha Phi – It's always free w/ Alpha Phi
        Tri-Sig – Try Sig – why not? everybody else has
        DG – you can't spell dog w/o D and G
        Tri-Delta – Delta Delta Delta can we helpya helpya helpya?

  5. Guest says:

    I'm taking notes, here's what I have so far:

    1) Being "awkward" and "boring" is an effective way to avoid emotionally unstable young women

    2) The year now has 368 days, of which only 361 can be used to talk to one's sisters

    3) Mental deficiencies require a written certification from the mentally deficient person in order to be recognized

    4) Kickball is serious business

    5) Writing unhinged e-mails with LOTS OF WORDS TYPED IN ALL CAPS is perfectly normal and expected behavior, it's people who do not drink heavily and throw themselves at fraternity bros that are "weird"

    • I want winners ! says:

      Just a kid. I think it is hilarious and genuine. We need more bluntness and less sophistry in this country.

      Plus it's internal.

  6. Horny F. Trader says:

    part of the problem here might be that the sisters actually DON'T suck

  7. rmh21 says:

    the sorostitute who wrote this must be Bess's sister

  8. Deleveraging says:

    I love this girl!

    – Guy who is still scratching his head and wondering why the Big Ten would deem a shit-hole like Maryland worthy.

  9. Turnip Truck says:

    What's her problem? They could just bring more ziti to these mixers.

  10. Texashedge says:

    I like it how she's trying to impress the Sigma Nus of all people.

    As we used to say, "no Nus is good news"

  11. Mrs. Rick James says:

    cocaine is a hell of a drug

  12. VonSloneker says:

    This girl is just the sort of go getter we needed during the Business v Engineering Olympics fiasco of 2012. I do so miss the pub crawls…

    – DB Lore Guy

  13. Alpha_Bets says:

    You kiss your mother with that mouth? Someone should warn her. When it comes to the herp, sharing is not caring.

  14. Xander says:

    It's fake, you moron. This website has really gone into the shitter.

    • guest says:

      Sure about that dickbag?

      "UPDATE: We received the following email from the chapter president, who says that the email does not reflect the chapter's values:

      My name is Rachel Norris and I am the current president of Delta Gamma at the University of Maryland. It has been brought to my attention that you recently published an unsavory email that was sent out over my chapter's list-serve. Is it possible for you to either remove the article or just remove the names "Delta Gamma" and "Sigma Nu" from your article? This email absolutely does not reflect our chapter's values nor Sigma Nu's and any assistance you can give us is greatly appreciated.

      Sincerely,

      Rachel Norris"
      http://gawker.com/5994974/the-most-deranged-soror

    • Guests says:

      Actually, it was written by Rebecca Martinson. This has been confirmed.

  15. broseph says:

    "I swear to f–ing God if I see anyone being a g–d-mn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me."

    – My wife and I were thinking of hosting a party with some other couples. I going to have her to use that line in the invitations.

  16. spiderbro says:

    Her name is Rebecca Martinson. You're welcome.

  17. Guest says:

    As a guy, I can relate to this. You think all is going well, then one night in the car, coming home from a party, something sets her off and its the hounds of hell unleashed.

  18. guest says:

    I'm pretty sure she meant to say the Sigma Nu will not want to hang out with us unless we SUCK and FUCK.

  19. Sherl says:

    LEAN THE FUCK IN BEFORE I CUNT PUNT YOU.
    – Sheryl

    • DK'd says:

      I see a gal with intern potential

    • still good says:

      She is all right yes , but I was kinda hoping for the crazy eyes a little… Like that red chick on here who was suing about the wedding. That's fun….not like the eye rollers who only care about getting themselves off.

      i w

    • hugh jorgen says:

      she needs her bangs trimmed and i've just the guy to bang…i mean 'trim' them…

  20. Steve Weatherford says:

    Think "cunt punt' might also need to be a tag, that one could really get a lot of play moving forward.

  21. guest says:

    Because if you're going to be passionate about something, be passionate about hooking up with a slow witted, socially inept frat boy at the university of maryland. Aim high my friend, aim high.

  22. guest says:

    Man I did a lot of stupid shit in college but happy to say that joining a group of rent-a-friend sexually conflicted douche bros wasn't one of them.

    • Frat says:

      fucking GDI

    • Sucks to suck says:

      Didn't get a bid and still pissed off about it even after graduation? That's sad man. The only sexual conflict I had in college was deciding whether to bang the girl with the huge cans or the girl who could suck a golfball through a garden hose. Sometimes the answer was both.

      And bragging about not being sexually conflicted doesn't work out when it's because you only take a cock in the ass.

      • guest says:

        Yes, clearly I am the one, between the two of us, with lingering issues here. You're doing just fine.

        By any chance is your last name Martinson?

      • EQ in Dallas says:

        Why does a piece of gold like this get down-voted? Dealbreaker readers are such fucking prudes. The attitude here is so NOT Wall Street.

  23. St. Copious says:

    I'm trying to imagine what takes place in the neurons and blood vessels of a woman who got that angry in an email about a stupid sorority mixer when she finds out that one of her sisters leaked it to the press. That's a rage level literally beyond my comprehension.

    • Quant me maybe... says:

      And I guarantee you, if her resume comes across my desk she gets a serious look for an internship this summer.

  24. Guest says:

    This chick is crazy
    http://imgur.com/a/bAJhA

  25. US Bates says:

    I think this is Laxbro's slam he mentioned earlier.

  26. guest says:

    Strong to very strong.

  27. Donny says:

    Future Strip Club Cocktail Waitress or Stripper? I'm going with waitress that also turns tricks sometimes…

  28. guest says:

    This girl is the dick fuld of the delta gammas. Only thing missing from the end of the email: "THE SRS ALWAYS WINS!"

  29. Sigma Nu Big Bro says:

    I guess being major douches does get us laid after all.

    Sigma Nu Bro

  30. Guest says:

    Nothing goes down faster than an anchor.

  31. DIBS! says:

    Question 1:

    Ray Guy is to footballs as Rebecca Martinson is to ________

    (A) Boners
    (B) Retards
    (C) unts
    (D) Ass hats

  32. SarcasmOrgazm says:

    Hinging your sorority's worth on validation from men

    Woo victory for feminazism

  33. Beccy says:

    the pimp is motivating her fleet before a hard work day

  34. Guest says:

    Laxbro, thoughts on this?

  35. UBS says:

    I want to hire her

    UBS MD

  36. flaming dragon says:

    she's like a female less grossman.

    -flaming dragon

  37. Currently it looks like WordPress is the best blogging platform out there right now.

    (from what I’ve read) Is that what you are using on your blog?