Opening Bell: 04.29.13

Top Lieutenant of Dimon Is Departing JPMorgan (DealBook)
Frank J. Bisignano, co-chief operating officer, will become chief executive of First Data Corporation, a payment processing firm, Mr. Dimon said in a statement on Sunday. … Mr. Dimon said Matthew E. Zames, who shared the role of chief operating officer with Mr. Bisignano, would take over all aspects of the job, effective immediately. “He is a proven business executive, who has performed exceptionally well since coming into his corporate role in May of last year,” Mr. Dimon said.

Tame Inflation to Keep Fed on Course (WSJ)
Federal Reserve officials are likely to continue their easy-money policies at the central bank’s policy meeting on Tuesday and Wednesday, in part because several recent inflation measures have fallen well below the Fed’s 2% target. With inflation now lower than the Fed wants, officials are likely to conclude their policies show no sign of overheating the economy. That allows them to maintain their $85 billion-a-month bond-buying program, which the central bank is employing to ease credit conditions and spur spending, investment and hiring. Fed officials after their March policy meeting talked about tapering off the bond purchases later this year if the economy continued to gain strength. But inflation readings have since slipped, and employment numbers have been disappointing.

No German Jain Bringing Deutsche Bank to World as Customer’s Man (Bloomberg)
Jain is seeking a better understanding of what drives Germany. He’s working on improving his German, though he says his schedule hasn’t allowed him to make the progress he’d like to see. He has talked to academics and writers, according to one professor who says he and Jain discussed the country’s relationship with Israel and its World War II past.

High-Frequency Traders Face Speed Limits (FT)
EBS, one of the two dominant trading platforms in the foreign exchange market, is suggesting scrapping the principle of “first in, first out” trading, which it says gives an unfair advantage to the fastest computers and has led to an arms race of spending on technology. Instead, under the plan, incoming orders would be batched together and dealt with in a random order. “It is a technology arms race to the bottom, and a huge tax on the industry, since people are having to make significant investments in speed without any connection to their trading strategy,” said Gil Mandelzis, EBS chief executive. “Speed has little to do with why many participants come to our markets. These are serious players who come to the market to exchange risk; they do not come to race.”

Mike Tyson: My ex-girlfriend cooked and ate my pet pigeon (NYDN)
“I was dating this young lady and she said, ‘I don’t know why you’re flying those damn birds, you should be eating them’ She happened to grab one and she cooked one and proceeded to eat it,” Tyson continued. “And I just couldn’t do it.” … The impromptu meal likely hastened the demise of Tyson’s relationship. “It just wasn’t the right thing to do,” he added. “That’s why she’s not my woman anymore.”

Feds eye AP hoax ‘profits’ (NYP)
The Securities and Exchange Commission and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission have each opened investigations into the hack that falsely reported “explosions in the White House and Barack Obama is injured” and briefly wiped away $136 billion in market value. … “We’re looking at who was trading right before and right after that,” Bart Chilton, a member of the CFTC, told The Post. “This is a full-fledged effort to look at this period of time to make sure that nothing nefarious in markets took place.”

Twitter Speaks, Markets Listen, and Fears Rise (NYT)
“It was nine, 10, 11 seconds and it was fast and then the question was ‘Why’?” said Andrew Frankel, co-president of the brokerage firm Stuart Frankel & Company. “You look at how quickly that happened and now everyone wants to release corporate earnings on Twitter,” Mr. Frankel said, in between calling out, “Sell!” to his team. He added: “The concern is ‘How do you know what’s right and what’s not? How do you know what’s hacked and what isn’t?’ ”

Santander’s Embattled CEO Steps Down (WSJ)
Banco Santander SA said Monday that Alfredo Sáenz is stepping down as chief executive, a move that may put an end to a two-decade legal battle that has led to considerable criticism toward the last two Spanish governments. Santander, the largest euro-zone bank by market value, said in a news release that Mr. Sáenz will be replaced as CEO by Managing Director Javier Marín. Santander didn’t give any reason for Mr. Sáenz’s decision. The departing CEO of Santander was convicted in 2009 of having made false criminal accusations against indebted clients in a case that arose 15 years earlier when he headed a different bank. After he lost a series of appeals, Spain’s prime minister at the time, Socialist José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, pardoned Mr. Sáenz in 2011, sparing him a possible three-month prison sentence.

Credit Suisse, Lone Star to Buy Fortis Bad Bank (Bloomberg)
Credit Suisse Group AG (CSGN) and Texas- based Lone Star Funds will pay 6.7 billion euros ($8.7 billion) for the assets of Royal Park Investments SA, a vehicle set up to manage toxic assets of failed Belgian bank Fortis. Belgium, one of the vehicle’s shareholders, will get 1 billion euros in cash from the sale, reducing government debt by more than 0.2 percent of gross domestic product, Finance Minister Koen Geens said in an e-mailed statement from Brussels. Ageas, the insurer formerly known as Fortis, will receive 1.04 billion euros, it said in a separate statement.

Jets release Tim Tebow (NYP)

Cops: Saw-wielding robber stole cash register (NBC)
A man brandishing a hand saw stole a cash register from a store early Sunday, police said. According to police, an employee at Sam’s Food Mart in West Haven, Connecticut, called 911 to report that a white male wearing a mask was acting suspiciously. While en route to the scene, police learned that the male brandished a hand saw, threatened the store clerk and stole the cash register.

47 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (47)

  1. Posted by CarrierPigeon | April 29, 2013 at 8:49 AM

    Girlfriend who eats your asshole > girlfriend who eats your pet pigeons.

  2. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 8:55 AM

    If I had two pieces of advice for Tyson, they would be to avoid anybody named George, and to stay as far away from Curley's wife as possible.

  3. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 9:00 AM

    In the picture above who has the higher functioning brain?

  4. Posted by Jimmy Fallon | April 29, 2013 at 9:03 AM

    Tyson like chicken like his girlfriend like cooked his birds like they were chickens GET IT GET IT GET IT?!??!!

  5. Posted by Im_a_Dude | April 29, 2013 at 9:27 AM

    wonder if cooked pigeon tastes like raw ear

  6. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 9:27 AM

    Holyfield's Ear : Squab :: Pizza : ???

  7. Posted by Tyson ex | April 29, 2013 at 9:29 AM

    tell me more about your condor spread baby.

  8. Posted by PermaGuestII | April 29, 2013 at 9:31 AM

    If a Wop brings a knife to a gunfight, who brings a handsaw to an armed robbery?

  9. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 9:37 AM

    Wonder if they'll release the audio from the 911 dispatcher call. Obviously NBC boiled it down to, "an employee at Sam’s Food Mart in West Haven, Connecticut, called 911 to report that a white male wearing a mask was acting suspiciously," but I'm hoping the guy really downplayed it on the call; "Hey look, not sure if this is an issue or not, but there's some guy walking around with a mask and a rusty saw, suspicious, no?"

  10. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 9:51 AM

    White male robs convenience store with a hand saw in New Haven? Sounds like a certain former Morgan Stanley MD is at it again

  11. Posted by VonSloneker | April 29, 2013 at 10:12 AM

    Damn, that bitch is crazy

    – Hossenpfeffer, Boiled Fatal Attraction Bunny Quant

  12. Posted by Deleveraging | April 29, 2013 at 10:22 AM

    Raising Pigeons = Old School Ghetto

  13. Posted by Bert from Sesame St | April 29, 2013 at 10:24 AM

    I feel for you Tyson. I'd dump her too.

  14. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:33 AM

    "Cops: Saw-wielding robber stole cash register"

    No surprise, Connecticut is the state of inbreeds!

    -Tallahassee, FL 30k Millionaire

  15. Posted by Impatient guy | April 29, 2013 at 10:37 AM

    Leaving Co – COO job at global player in NYC > heading up failing payment processor in ATL

  16. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:38 AM

    Just because I got cut from Morgan Stanley doesn’t mean I’m taking a stab at crime you prick!


  17. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:38 AM


  18. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:40 AM

    Comments are really lacking today… not that this one is helping either.

  19. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:41 AM

    "Jets release Tim Tebow"

    Finally, the guys really had his head up an ass.

    -M. Sanchez

  20. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:42 AM

    That's because you cut with a saw, you'd need a knife to stab.

  21. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 10:44 AM

    Tyson Pigeon Wings > Tyson Boneless Chicken Wings

  22. Posted by Curious guy | April 29, 2013 at 10:54 AM

    Hmm.. I wonder why he "quit".

  23. Posted by C. Christie | April 29, 2013 at 11:05 AM

    I'd eat either.

  24. Posted by Deleveraging | April 29, 2013 at 11:06 AM

    First Data will probably go public again in the next year or two; I would say looking for a nice payday. Not to mention get out of Jamie's shadow.

  25. Posted by Grandma quant | April 29, 2013 at 11:08 AM

    These are serious players who come to the market to exchange risk; they do not come to race.

  26. Posted by Fewdollarsmore | April 29, 2013 at 11:12 AM

    Damn, the hand-saw robber! Now they gonna ask to ban any hand-saw with more than 10 teeth.

  27. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 11:21 AM


    Is Matt back yet?

    – Concerned Commenter

  28. Posted by Davey | April 29, 2013 at 11:24 AM


  29. Posted by Serious question | April 29, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    You kiss her after that?

  30. Posted by PermaGuestII | April 29, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    Getting out of Jamie's shadow and getting into an industry that's out of the direct line of fire. JPM's the poster child for everyone who wants Glass-Steagal back and executive actions– and payouts– are under the publicity microscope and will be for the foreseeable future. By contrast, nobody really cares what the CEO of a payment processor does or gets paid.

  31. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 11:46 AM

    “Mud”, starring Matthew McConaughey and Reese Witherspoon opened in theaters last Friday. L.M. Falcone has a producer’s credit. Notwithstanding the title, It doesn’t appear that Wilbur is in the movie.

  32. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 11:50 AM

    "Mud" starring Matthew McConaghey and Reese Witherspoon opened in theaters last Friday. L.M. Falcone has a producer's credit. Despite the title, it doesn't appear that Wilbur is in this movie.

  33. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 11:53 AM

    Tyson used to date Rebecca Martinson?

  34. Posted by Jack D0rsey | April 29, 2013 at 12:22 PM

    Bring it on Frank.

  35. Posted by Turnip Truck | April 29, 2013 at 12:23 PM

    No one ever wants to talk about the legitimate years.


  36. Posted by Bored Guest | April 29, 2013 at 12:36 PM

    Actually, they gonna ask that we have more guns. Clearly you don't read the news.

  37. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 1:02 PM

    Cut it out you two!

  38. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 1:14 PM

    1. Tell large, violent man his hobby is stupid
    2. Kill large, violent man's pet bird
    3. Eat it
    4. ???
    5. Profit?

  39. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 1:20 PM


    Detective Simone

  40. Posted by guest | April 29, 2013 at 2:12 PM

    wrong kind of bird for breakfast, sir.

  41. Posted by Guest | April 29, 2013 at 2:22 PM

    I'd say it's likely, given that he posted on Friday.

    – Observant Commenter

  42. Posted by Bawney Fwank | April 29, 2013 at 2:45 PM

    You sure about that? I need something to do.

  43. Posted by Flo | April 29, 2013 at 2:46 PM

    I saw that reply coming from a mile away.

    – Paul freaking Bunyan

  44. Posted by Flo | April 29, 2013 at 2:49 PM

    I'm literally in Lloyd's shadow.

    – Nobody taller than Punksatawny Phil

  45. Posted by Flo | April 29, 2013 at 2:50 PM

    As my Mom used to say – If you've got nothing nice to say, just shut the fuck up.

  46. Posted by Nom Nom | April 29, 2013 at 2:53 PM

    Fortunately, very few of the saws down South have more than 10 teeth.

    – guy that has left a lot of wise-ass replies today and needs to get it out of his system before he gets home or his wife will remove his testes with a dull butter knife

  47. Posted by Fewdollarsmore | April 29, 2013 at 3:05 PM

    Thing 1: Clearly, he is anti-gun.
    Thing 2: Actually, he is anti-humor.
    Thing 1: He said he is a bored news-junkie.
    Thing 2: We should just cunt punt him.
    Thing 2: Hand-saw or Samurai Sword?
    Thing 1: I will just squeeze his balls to death.
    Thing 2: Wonder if squeezed balls look like used tea-bags