meatballs

Sit Your Ass Down And Hold The Garlic: Charlie Gasparino Is Cooking Here

Back in January, we made an open pitch to any and all TV networks for a cooking show staring Fox Business reporter Charlie Gasparino, called Charles in Charge (Of Dinner). Despite having all the trappings of a surefire hit– including a pretty damn catchy theme song1— nearly three months later and we’ve seen nary a bite.

It strikes us now that the Food Network brass and other TV execs may have hesitated to jump on this out of skepticism that Charlie can cook. “Sure,” they probably said to themselves. “CG is a snappy dresser and knows how to eat but what does he know about the culinary arts?” A lot, apparently, as evidenced by a recent interview with the Times in which he demonstrates his deft understanding of what makes a great meatball.

“Listen, I think you need good Italian bread. And you need breadcrumbs. And I think you put a little onion in it. And if you really want to kick it up, put milk, whole milk, with the bread, to soften the bread up. And here’s the thing: don’t overseason. People mess it up — I’ve noticed this with non-Italians making meatballs: too much oregano, way too much salt, and too much garlic. Those three things. Italian is, like, less. Italians from Italy use very little garlic.”

Any more questions?

A Reporter Eats and Drinks the News [Diner’s Journal]

1. Lyrics:

There’s a new chef in the neighborhood
Breaks business news and it’s understood.
He makes prosciutto and salami
Like he’s the boss of your fam-il-ee-ee

Charles in charge
of cannolis and biceps
Charles in charge
of biscotti, and triceps

When I eat, I want,
When I cook, I want
When I lift, I want
I want Charles in Charge of me.

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11 Responses to “Sit Your Ass Down And Hold The Garlic: Charlie Gasparino Is Cooking Here”

  1. Testicle says:

    Geez this guy just keeps providing fodder. Definitely in my top 5. Maybe just behind Nails and Falcone. The porsche on the roof guy and the dude that spammed CTFC officials with death threats were both top notch, but unfortunately, they, for now, remain one hit wonders.

  2. HotKarl says:

    Never ask him about his salsiccia recipe when you're alone in the steam room with him. I almost lost an eye.
    -Joe Kernen

  3. Guest? says:

    Big swinging gabagool.

  4. Bored to Tears says:

    I don't care about Charlie Gasparino. I'm guessing nobody else does either. I'm right on the edge of deleting this blog from my RSS feed. One more post about Gasparino (or any other notable assclown who is five years past the pull-date) is when I never come here again.

    There was once a website called "Fucked Company." The guy who ran it called himself Pud. It became irrelevant. I shudder to think what Pud does these days to pay rent. Don't let that happen to you. Get new material.

  5. PermaGuestII says:

    "I’ve noticed this with non-Italians making meatballs: too much oregano, way too much salt, and too much garlic. Those three things."

    Fuck off, Charlie.

    -The Swedes

  6. Guest says:

    anyone spot Gasper at the white house correspondents dinner? was in fine form…

  7. cunt punt quant says:

    what about his deft understanding of what makes a great douche-ball?

  8. wallaby champ says:

    I read these lyrics in the voice of the Ghostface Killah

  9. M.B. says:

    "non-Italians making meatballs: …too much garlic…."

    I call Bu***hit

    -Maria Bartiromo using CNBC private bathroom immediately after "Gasbag's" morning ritual.