Opening Bell: 09.19.13

JPMorgan Agrees to Pay $920 Million for London Whale Loss (Bloomberg)
JP Morgan, seeking to end probes of a $6.2 billion trading debacle, admitted to violating federal securities laws and agreed to pay about $920 million for failing to implement adequate controls and providing incomplete information to regulators and its board. Senior management knew in April 2012 that the bank’s chief investment office in London, which was responsible for the loss, was using aggressive valuations that hid $750 million in losses, the Securities and Exchange Commission said today in a statement. Some executives “expressed reservations” at signing off on JPMorgan’s first-quarter earnings filings last year as required under the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, the SEC said.

Dimon Expects No Charges In Whale (NYP)
The embattled JPMorgan Chase CEO doesn’t expect the bank or any executive to face criminal charges stemming from the FBI probe into the “London whale” fiasco, The Post has learned. Federal agents have been looking into the complex derivative trade that blew up in the bank’s London office and cost JPM $6.2 billion — and cost Dimon some of his reputation as an ace manager of risk — since shortly after it became known in the spring of 2012. While the FBI probe is ongoing, there is not enough evidence to support criminal charges, people familiar with the bank said.

JP Morgan keeps top spot in investment bank league table (Reuters)
The bank retained its position as No. 1 investment bank by revenues for the first half of 2013 and took the top spot in all three categories: fixed income, equities and advisory, a survey showed on Thursday.

Bill Gross ‘Not Braggin’ After Call on Short-Term Treasuries (Bloomberg)
Bill Gross got it right when he recommended short-maturity Treasuries this week. “Not braggin’ but what did we tell you,” Gross, who runs the world’s biggest bond fund at Pacific Investment Management Co., wrote on Twitter yesterday.

Angry driver admits hurling feces in face of Hoboken parking officer (NJ)
Police were called Wednesday, Sept. 11 at 9:18 p.m to Bloomfield and First streets on the report of a woman fighting with a parking officer, reports said. A large crowd had apparently gathered around the two to watch. The parking enforcement officer told police that she was leaving the HPU offices at City Hall when the woman approached her and began arguing over a parking ticket she had received earlier from the worker, reports said. The HPU worker told police that as she was getting into her boyfriend’s car to leave, her attacker opened the car door and continued the argument, reports said. After the worker said she was going to call her supervisor, the woman threw a substance in the HPU officer’s face that was later confirmed to be feces, reports said. The two woman began to tussle until witnesses separated them, according to reports….She initially denied throwing poop at the HPU employee but later admitted that she had done it after scooping the feces up from the ground nearby in a paper cup, reports said.

BofA Plea: No Blame For Crisis (NYP)
Bank of America asked a court to bar prosecutors from presenting trial evidence and claims that the bank and its Countrywide unit “are responsible for causing the worldwide financial crisis in whole or in part.” “Evidence or argument that attempts to link a particular defendant to the nation’s recent economic struggles, whether it be the government’s fiscal troubles or any of the multitude of negative effects of the mortgage crisis and recession, is unfairly prejudicial,” lawyers for Countrywide and BofA said in papers filed late Wednesday in US District Court in Manhattan. The US sued Bank of America, run by CEO Brian Moynihan, intervening in a whistle-blower action filed by ex-Countrywide exec Edward O’Donnell. The US claims BofA and Countrywide, which it acquired in 2008, sold thousands of defective loans from 2007 to 2009 to the home-mortgage finance companies. The trial is to begin next week.

Austerity Seen Easing With Change To EU Budget Policy (WSJ)
The change responds to criticism that European Union rules have aggravated the bloc’s downturn by requiring that governments narrow their budget deficits—even in countries with deeply depressed labor markets or shrinking economies.

The Black Tim Tebow: Giants Star Says He’s Still A Virgin (NYP)
Giants starting cornerback Prince Amukamara said in an interview with Muscle & Fitness that he’s never had a drink in his life and he remains a virgin. A devout Catholic, Amukamara said he has been called “the black Tim Tebow” by peers…Amukamara, 24, said he told his fiancé Pilar Davis that he might have his first alcoholic beverage at his bachelor party, but he’s not sure.

43 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (43)

  1. Posted by VonSloneker | September 19, 2013 at 11:36 AM

    Opening Bell practically at mid-day. This place is going to the dogs without me…

    – The Ghost of Matt Levine

  2. Posted by Dustin O'hare | September 19, 2013 at 11:39 AM

    Yeah right! Try getting her number, you can't! Bess only gives to guys who's parents bought them preppy clothes in high school and who took part in various regattas against rival prep schools. I'm just a skater boy, Bess said, "See ya later, boy." I'm not good enough for her. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space. She needed to come back down to earth. Yeah, Yeah Besssss

  3. Posted by Old Father Time | September 19, 2013 at 11:40 AM

    "A lot can happen before Opening Bell." So true.

  4. Posted by A Jerk | September 19, 2013 at 11:44 AM

    everyone knows 11:30 is the new 9:30

  5. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 11:45 AM

    Fire Shazar?

  6. Posted by ThatsVVacc | September 19, 2013 at 11:47 AM

    Hey! Gathering news articles from a handful of websites isn't easy.

    – Shazar

  7. Posted by Guesteban | September 19, 2013 at 11:52 AM

    Sons of Banks! Of Hedge Funds! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the Opening Bell gets posted before 11am, when we forsake our lazy routine and break all bonds of habit, but it is not this day. An hour of timely posting and useful news, when the articles are insightful and replete with original charts, but it is not this day! This day we post a useless Opening Bell at 11:30! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of Lower Manhattan!

    — Lord Shazagorn

  8. Posted by Confused Commenter | September 19, 2013 at 11:52 AM

    Furiously calibrating my atomic clock wristwatch to Greenwich Bess Time.

  9. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 11:57 AM

    A blog with roughly two employees and a flash-drive wielding hamster and Shazar still can't get his name on the masthead.

  10. Posted by DB Comment Cops | September 19, 2013 at 12:05 PM

    This whole schtick is bad and you should feel bad.

  11. Posted by Fewdollarsmore | September 19, 2013 at 12:07 PM

    If shit happens, collect it in a cup and throw it back at the regulators.
    – Jamie Papademetriou

  12. Posted by Urban Mayor | September 19, 2013 at 12:09 PM

    The Black Tim Tebow? Sounds like a porn flick…

  13. Posted by Wasted Potential | September 19, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    You're a professional football player in NYC… why? In the meantime, ButtFumble is puling underaged hedge fund daughters left and right

  14. Posted by guest | September 19, 2013 at 12:10 PM


    -db comment colonel

  15. Posted by Westcoast guy | September 19, 2013 at 12:10 PM

    Dealbreaker is now headquartered in the Valley

  16. Posted by Trader Baby | September 19, 2013 at 12:14 PM

    Market wiped me out, got margin calls baby, still bought a new BMW today baby.

  17. Posted by Rawlie | September 19, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    misguided, she's new yawk not conet'

  18. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 12:24 PM

    In Japan, you usually have to pay for chicks to throw shit in your face.

  19. Posted by coffe jiz guy | September 19, 2013 at 12:25 PM

    I wanna jiz on it

  20. Posted by Dr. Snarf | September 19, 2013 at 12:26 PM

    Why do little blue midgets keep hitting me in the face with fish?

  21. Posted by Futes | September 19, 2013 at 12:27 PM

    …uh huh huh masteheaad

    fuckin shaznam

  22. Posted by Rahodeb | September 19, 2013 at 1:11 PM

    I'm willing to bet Levine's opus on the whale trades was ready to publish hours before it went up on Bloomberg, but he waited and kept hitting refresh on Dealbreaker until Shazar posted opening bell. I'm also willing to bet Shazar was hitting refresh on Bloomberg and eventually panicked, posted this, and went to the janitor's closet to cry then masturbate.

  23. Posted by Dennis Kneale | September 19, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Go on…

  24. Posted by guest | September 19, 2013 at 1:28 PM

    Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?

    -One man wolf pack

  25. Posted by WTF__k | September 19, 2013 at 1:30 PM

    Shit in the face? Strong move.

  26. Posted by trader_baby | September 19, 2013 at 1:51 PM

    Show yourself out baby, Only time I got margin call was office secret santa baby, on blu-ray baby, you don't move size baby, otherwise that margin call leave you wondering if your chair can break that window baby, 63 story free fall baby, I even tossed you a bone on Monday baby, told you their was no taper baby, must be holding my analysis upside down if you can't make bank off it baby, you wanna talk about your Beamer baby, that's cute I got my niece one for her 16th bday baby

  27. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 2:06 PM

    How much due at signing and how many miles per year? 24 or 36 month lease?

  28. Posted by Quant me maybe... | September 19, 2013 at 2:06 PM

    "Angry driver admits hurling feces in face of Hoboken parking officer"

    Well so much for that "Intelligent Design Theory" guys ….

    –> Everyone who lives south of the Mason Dixon line.

  29. Posted by VonSloneker | September 19, 2013 at 2:11 PM

    She's probably putting the finishing touches on the DB IT-Hamster's golden handshake…the final piece of Bloomberg's acquisition of Breaking Media. That is, if you assume Shazar's role as Mike Bloomberg's personal valet is assured…

    – Mr. Carson

  30. Posted by Fecal Matters | September 19, 2013 at 2:14 PM

    "If nothing happens by 11:30, run the Hoboken shitfaced story."

    — The Editorial Rex Ryan

  31. Posted by Von Sloneker | September 19, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    She's probably putting the finishing touches on the DB IT-Hamster's golden handshake…the final piece of Bloomberg's acquisition of Breaking Media. That is, if you assume Shazar's role as Mike Bloomberg's personal valet is assured…

    – Mr. Carson

  32. Posted by VonSloneker | September 19, 2013 at 2:20 PM

    Turns to his brothers in arms, whispers "For Matt-do"…

  33. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 2:24 PM

    Posting from a public library or the Apple store? Only way your fraudulent ass is getting up-votes, baby.

  34. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 2:35 PM

    Here I was hoping the dogs of Dealbreaker mauled you to death.

  35. Posted by trader_baby | September 19, 2013 at 3:09 PM

    You sound like the alphabet boys baby, SEC and IRS coming after me baby, good luck this recruiting season baby, keep telling yourself this time it will be different baby, don't quit your job at Chipotle baby

  36. Posted by Quant me maybe... | September 19, 2013 at 3:20 PM

    You guys have this all wrong. You are being treated to two opening bells. Matt does one religiously at 8am, then you get another 2 hours later. Twice the fun. Of course don't even try to comment at bloomberg — those guys are evenly split between comments that are articles in and of themselves and people who should just stay on Yahoo!

  37. Posted by Irony quant | September 19, 2013 at 3:29 PM

    A lot can happen before Opening Bell.

  38. Posted by Breast fed | September 19, 2013 at 3:31 PM

    Some warm milk will calm me down baby.

  39. Posted by Bored Guest | September 19, 2013 at 4:30 PM


    – guy who likes to focus on the positive

  40. Posted by Guest | September 19, 2013 at 4:32 PM


  41. Posted by Bored Guest | September 19, 2013 at 4:34 PM

    In Soviet Russia, boat glass bottoms YOU

  42. Posted by guest | September 20, 2013 at 3:04 AM

    This is like the second batman, when there are all the impostor batmans fighting crime (in the same sense that these hacks are being funny). I think. Truth be told, I can't really keep them straight. But a Bale batman nonetheless.

    When the real batman shows himself, we'll know

  43. Posted by guest | September 20, 2013 at 10:53 AM

    Looks like our boy is doing the same kind of cut-and-paste job with appreciated income.