Opening Bell

Opening Bell: 09.19.13

JPMorgan Agrees to Pay $920 Million for London Whale Loss (Bloomberg)
JP Morgan, seeking to end probes of a $6.2 billion trading debacle, admitted to violating federal securities laws and agreed to pay about $920 million for failing to implement adequate controls and providing incomplete information to regulators and its board. Senior management knew in April 2012 that the bank’s chief investment office in London, which was responsible for the loss, was using aggressive valuations that hid $750 million in losses, the Securities and Exchange Commission said today in a statement. Some executives “expressed reservations” at signing off on JPMorgan’s first-quarter earnings filings last year as required under the Sarbanes-Oxley Act, the SEC said.

Dimon Expects No Charges In Whale (NYP)
The embattled JPMorgan Chase CEO doesn’t expect the bank or any executive to face criminal charges stemming from the FBI probe into the “London whale” fiasco, The Post has learned. Federal agents have been looking into the complex derivative trade that blew up in the bank’s London office and cost JPM $6.2 billion — and cost Dimon some of his reputation as an ace manager of risk — since shortly after it became known in the spring of 2012. While the FBI probe is ongoing, there is not enough evidence to support criminal charges, people familiar with the bank said.

JP Morgan keeps top spot in investment bank league table (Reuters)
The bank retained its position as No. 1 investment bank by revenues for the first half of 2013 and took the top spot in all three categories: fixed income, equities and advisory, a survey showed on Thursday.

Bill Gross ‘Not Braggin’ After Call on Short-Term Treasuries (Bloomberg)
Bill Gross got it right when he recommended short-maturity Treasuries this week. “Not braggin’ but what did we tell you,” Gross, who runs the world’s biggest bond fund at Pacific Investment Management Co., wrote on Twitter yesterday.

Angry driver admits hurling feces in face of Hoboken parking officer (NJ)
Police were called Wednesday, Sept. 11 at 9:18 p.m to Bloomfield and First streets on the report of a woman fighting with a parking officer, reports said. A large crowd had apparently gathered around the two to watch. The parking enforcement officer told police that she was leaving the HPU offices at City Hall when the woman approached her and began arguing over a parking ticket she had received earlier from the worker, reports said. The HPU worker told police that as she was getting into her boyfriend’s car to leave, her attacker opened the car door and continued the argument, reports said. After the worker said she was going to call her supervisor, the woman threw a substance in the HPU officer’s face that was later confirmed to be feces, reports said. The two woman began to tussle until witnesses separated them, according to reports….She initially denied throwing poop at the HPU employee but later admitted that she had done it after scooping the feces up from the ground nearby in a paper cup, reports said.

BofA Plea: No Blame For Crisis (NYP)
Bank of America asked a court to bar prosecutors from presenting trial evidence and claims that the bank and its Countrywide unit “are responsible for causing the worldwide financial crisis in whole or in part.” “Evidence or argument that attempts to link a particular defendant to the nation’s recent economic struggles, whether it be the government’s fiscal troubles or any of the multitude of negative effects of the mortgage crisis and recession, is unfairly prejudicial,” lawyers for Countrywide and BofA said in papers filed late Wednesday in US District Court in Manhattan. The US sued Bank of America, run by CEO Brian Moynihan, intervening in a whistle-blower action filed by ex-Countrywide exec Edward O’Donnell. The US claims BofA and Countrywide, which it acquired in 2008, sold thousands of defective loans from 2007 to 2009 to the home-mortgage finance companies. The trial is to begin next week.

Austerity Seen Easing With Change To EU Budget Policy (WSJ)
The change responds to criticism that European Union rules have aggravated the bloc’s downturn by requiring that governments narrow their budget deficits—even in countries with deeply depressed labor markets or shrinking economies.

The Black Tim Tebow: Giants Star Says He’s Still A Virgin (NYP)
Giants starting cornerback Prince Amukamara said in an interview with Muscle & Fitness that he’s never had a drink in his life and he remains a virgin. A devout Catholic, Amukamara said he has been called “the black Tim Tebow” by peers…Amukamara, 24, said he told his fiancé Pilar Davis that he might have his first alcoholic beverage at his bachelor party, but he’s not sure.

(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

43 Responses to “Opening Bell: 09.19.13”

  1. VonSloneker says:

    Opening Bell practically at mid-day. This place is going to the dogs without me…

    – The Ghost of Matt Levine

    • ThatsVVacc says:

      Hey! Gathering news articles from a handful of websites isn't easy.

      – Shazar

    • Rahodeb says:

      I'm willing to bet Levine's opus on the whale trades was ready to publish hours before it went up on Bloomberg, but he waited and kept hitting refresh on Dealbreaker until Shazar posted opening bell. I'm also willing to bet Shazar was hitting refresh on Bloomberg and eventually panicked, posted this, and went to the janitor's closet to cry then masturbate.

    • Dennis Kneale says:

      Go on…

    • guest says:

      Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who?

      -One man wolf pack

  2. Dustin O'hare says:

    Yeah right! Try getting her number, you can't! Bess only gives to guys who's parents bought them preppy clothes in high school and who took part in various regattas against rival prep schools. I'm just a skater boy, Bess said, "See ya later, boy." I'm not good enough for her. She had a pretty face but her head was up in space. She needed to come back down to earth. Yeah, Yeah Besssss

  3. Old Father Time says:

    "A lot can happen before Opening Bell." So true.

  4. Guest says:

    Fire Shazar?

  5. Guesteban says:

    Sons of Banks! Of Hedge Funds! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the Opening Bell gets posted before 11am, when we forsake our lazy routine and break all bonds of habit, but it is not this day. An hour of timely posting and useful news, when the articles are insightful and replete with original charts, but it is not this day! This day we post a useless Opening Bell at 11:30! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of Lower Manhattan!

    — Lord Shazagorn

    • VonSloneker says:

      Turns to his brothers in arms, whispers "For Matt-do"…

    • Quant me maybe... says:

      You guys have this all wrong. You are being treated to two opening bells. Matt does one religiously at 8am, then you get another 2 hours later. Twice the fun. Of course don't even try to comment at bloomberg — those guys are evenly split between comments that are articles in and of themselves and people who should just stay on Yahoo!

  6. Confused Commenter says:

    Furiously calibrating my atomic clock wristwatch to Greenwich Bess Time.

  7. Guest says:

    A blog with roughly two employees and a flash-drive wielding hamster and Shazar still can't get his name on the masthead.

  8. Fewdollarsmore says:

    If shit happens, collect it in a cup and throw it back at the regulators.
    – Jamie Papademetriou

  9. Urban Mayor says:

    The Black Tim Tebow? Sounds like a porn flick…

  10. Wasted Potential says:

    You're a professional football player in NYC… why? In the meantime, ButtFumble is puling underaged hedge fund daughters left and right

  11. Trader Baby says:

    Market wiped me out, got margin calls baby, still bought a new BMW today baby.

    • trader_baby says:

      Show yourself out baby, Only time I got margin call was office secret santa baby, on blu-ray baby, you don't move size baby, otherwise that margin call leave you wondering if your chair can break that window baby, 63 story free fall baby, I even tossed you a bone on Monday baby, told you their was no taper baby, must be holding my analysis upside down if you can't make bank off it baby, you wanna talk about your Beamer baby, that's cute I got my niece one for her 16th bday baby

      • Guest says:

        Posting from a public library or the Apple store? Only way your fraudulent ass is getting up-votes, baby.

        • trader_baby says:

          You sound like the alphabet boys baby, SEC and IRS coming after me baby, good luck this recruiting season baby, keep telling yourself this time it will be different baby, don't quit your job at Chipotle baby

    • Guest says:

      How much due at signing and how many miles per year? 24 or 36 month lease?

    • guest says:

      This is like the second batman, when there are all the impostor batmans fighting crime (in the same sense that these hacks are being funny). I think. Truth be told, I can't really keep them straight. But a Bale batman nonetheless.

      When the real batman shows himself, we'll know

  12. Guest says:

    In Japan, you usually have to pay for chicks to throw shit in your face.

  13. Dr. Snarf says:

    Why do little blue midgets keep hitting me in the face with fish?

  14. Quant me maybe... says:

    "Angry driver admits hurling feces in face of Hoboken parking officer"

    Well so much for that "Intelligent Design Theory" guys ….

    –> Everyone who lives south of the Mason Dixon line.

  15. Fecal Matters says:

    "If nothing happens by 11:30, run the Hoboken shitfaced story."

    — The Editorial Rex Ryan

  16. Von Sloneker says:

    She's probably putting the finishing touches on the DB IT-Hamster's golden handshake…the final piece of Bloomberg's acquisition of Breaking Media. That is, if you assume Shazar's role as Mike Bloomberg's personal valet is assured…

    – Mr. Carson

  17. Irony quant says:

    A lot can happen before Opening Bell.

  18. guest says:

    Looks like our boy is doing the same kind of cut-and-paste job with appreciated income.

  19. VonSloneker says:

    She's probably putting the finishing touches on the DB IT-Hamster's golden handshake…the final piece of Bloomberg's acquisition of Breaking Media. That is, if you assume Shazar's role as Mike Bloomberg's personal valet is assured…

    – Mr. Carson