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You Can Take Away Steven A. Cohen’s Ability To Manage Outside Money But You’ll Never Take Away His Giant Balloon Inflation Party

Earlier today, SAC Capital pleaded guilty to insider trading, agreeing to pay $1.8 billion, the largest fine ever, for such a crime. While the settlement presumably gave some level of comfort to Cohen, who it is unlikely will face jail time, uncertainty about the future still plagues the hedge fund and its founder.

In addition to legal issues that may still rear their heads, the changes that SAC will undergo as a result of the deal with the government has likely given rise to new anxieties for staff, clients, and the community. Employees are wondering just how safe their jobs are, now that the fund will go from managing $15 billion to a mere $9 billion. #1 Fan Ed Butowsky is scrambling to find a sister or a cousin of Cohen’s who he can marry as a means of becoming an investor in the family fund.

But for the greater SAC Family, the worries are much more urgent.

As those of you with a cursory knowledge of SAC Capital are aware, each year since at least 2009, the firm has sponsored an event called the Giant Balloon Inflation Party. Members of the Stamford community gather downtown the Saturday before Thanksgiving, and the night before the UBS Parade Spectacular, and watch with wonderment and delight as “giant helium balloons come to life.” It’s a spectacle so grand that Cohen himself not only foots the majority of the bill but has been known to attend, too, just awestruck as the children seeing it for the first time.

But with today’s settlement, and the changes afoot at SAC, the question was clearly on everyone’s mind: what would become of the giant balloons that needed inflating? Would SAC cancel its check, deciding it could no longer afford to fund such things? Would a representative from the firm be dispatched to blow them up manually? Would Cohen deem it simply too awkward to lend SAC’s name to the party, given the events of the prior weeks? Would the government include a clause in the settlement forbidding SAC from taking part in “celebratory gatherings of 26 or more people at which cotton candy is provided, without written permission from Preet Bharara”? It all seemed so frighteningly possible.

But those fears were alleviated late Monday afternoon, when it became clear that what could have been the biggest tragedy of the whole settlement – the worst-case scenario of the storm – never materialized. We reached out to inflation party organizers, and according to Stamford Downtown president, Sandy Goldstein:

“SAC Capital continues to be an extraordinary member of this community and is happily aboard as the presenting sponsor of the balloon inflation party.”

SAC Capital Advisors Giant Balloon Inflation Party [Stamford Downtown]
SAC Capital to Pay $1.8 Billion, the Largest Insider Trading Fine Ever [BusinessWeek]
Earlier: MARK YOUR CALENDARS

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17 Responses to “You Can Take Away Steven A. Cohen’s Ability To Manage Outside Money But You’ll Never Take Away His Giant Balloon Inflation Party”

  1. trader says:

    Your honor, this balloon inflating thing is a smoke screen for a bunch of criminals forcing somebody to do a lot of blow jobs.

    Preet Bharara

  2. SAC says:

    We take responsibility for the handful of helium tanks that gave rise to the balloons that comprise the Parade Spectacular.

  3. Im_a_Dude says:

    Who knew Stamford had their own Thanksgiving parade, but sounds about right UBS= Macy's.

    -Guy who remembers going for the first time to the the macy's parade and and being awestruck when woody woodpecker floated down.

  4. Tito says:

    1.8 billion

  5. Drew says:

    "SAC Capital pleaded guilty to insider trading, agreeing to pay $1.8 million"

    ummm….. I think that is $1.8 BILLION not million

  6. yourmother says:

    White collar crime is the tits!!! you little fuckers

  7. guest says:

    Kick him in the nut SAC

  8. Not Funny, But True says:

    In order to save money on helium, Chris Christie has been drafted to blow up the balloons manually.

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