Earlier this month. Jamie Dimon’s office at 270 Park Avenue. Dimon is on his computer scrolling through pictures. As we get closer, we see that he’s looking at old Kardashian family Christmas cards that Kourtney and Khloe have tweeted, before the big reveal of this, which elicits a “Oh for crying out loud” from Dimon. After a few more moments he picks up the phone.

Judy Dimon: Hello?
Jamie Dimon: It’s me.
Judy Dimon: Oh hi honey, I’m glad you called, do you want me to pack your flannel shirt for the weekend? And what time will you be home, because I think we should get on the road by 5 and–
Jamie Dimon: Yeah, listen, you need to call the Blankfeins and cancel.
Judy Dimon: What do you mean cancel? We’ve been trying to do this weekend in Vermont with them for months.
Jamie Dimon: Can’t do it Judy. Cancel with Laura and then call the girls. Tell them to be at the house for a family meeting at 1900 hours.
Judy Dimon: Jamie what is this about?
Jamie Dimon: You know what it’s about.
Judy Dimon: I want to hear you say it.
Jamie Dimon: Don’t make me, Judy.
Judy Dimon: No, if I’m going to be forced to cancel our weekend with the Blankfeins and devote the next two days straight to what you have planned, I want to hear the words come out of your mouth.

Jamie Dimon: Fine. It’s Kris Jenner.
Judy Dimon: Oh, for Christ’s sake, I knew it. I thought you were over this.
Jamie Dimon: I’m not going to let her screw me again this year, Judy, I can’t. I WON’T. I–
Judy Dimon: Jamie, we’ve always had very nice Christmas cards. Certainly the best among all the Wall Street CEOs. This year might even be our best.
Jamie Dimon: Best among Wall Street CEOs? Is that who we’re comparing ourselves to? No, it’s garbage. Santa’s Little Elves, my god what was I thinking. We need to start from scratch.
Judy Dimon: Honey, you have got to get over this weird competitive thing with–
Jamie Dimon: Every year she does this to me. 1993. We do ‘Corgis and Candy Canes,’ she pulls out flipping ‘Hells Angels.’
Judy Dimon: Jamie.
Jamie Dimon: 1995, we do an homage to grunge, she puts the entire family in Canadian tuxedos.
Judy Dimon: Jamie, I just…
Jamie Dimon: Well not this year, Kris Jenner. Call the girls. Wait. Not JUST the girls. Call Bruce Jenner. He and Kris are on the outs, right? Think he’ll help us stick it to her? They’ve humiliated us for the last time.
Judy Dimon: Jamie I think you should just calm down and–
Jamie Dimon: Wait, no, forget Bruce. I’ll call Bruce. I know what to say to him. You just call the girls.
Judy Dimon: Jamie–
Jamie Dimon: CALL THE GIRLS!

End scene.

Jamie Dimon’s holiday card looks like a Ralph Lauren advertisement [Quartz]
Related: The End of Days Comes with Kardashians’ David LaChapelle Khristmas Kard

Comments (30)

  1. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:09 PM

    genius.

  2. Posted by tantric guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:09 PM

    worth the wait

  3. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:09 PM

    right click, my new screen saver.

  4. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:12 PM

    crying laughing

  5. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:20 PM

    god I want to be fuck you rich.

  6. Posted by Guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:36 PM

    Everyone knows that Judy loves being showered with balls around Hanukkah…

    -Gary Cohn

  7. Posted by GinnyBigAss | December 17, 2013 at 6:38 PM

    And this is some kind of value added news?????? This looks like the shit the GasBag calls "breaking news". It's dog shit with a couple of sprays of that shit Gaspo uses hide his garlic breath.

  8. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:41 PM

    You're an idiot.

  9. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:41 PM

    I feel like this comment needs more question marks.

  10. Posted by guest | December 17, 2013 at 6:43 PM

    i drive a dodge stratus!

  11. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 1:01 AM

    I assume u mean Quartz. DB just passed it on with some very lame copy added.

  12. Posted by guest | December 18, 2013 at 1:58 AM

    boring d-bags doing boring stuff thinking they're so much fun and cool

  13. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 8:07 AM

    Haha wow how bitter are you?

  14. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 8:08 AM

    Nope, I was talking about the dialogue, which was fucking hilarious.

  15. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 8:10 AM

    Hey! I had a lot of fun doing this photo shoot!
    -jd

  16. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 8:11 AM

    Is that you quartz?

  17. Posted by Not a guest | December 18, 2013 at 8:46 AM

    Is it just me, or do all the Dimon girls look bangable?

  18. Posted by dave654f | December 18, 2013 at 8:54 AM

    Agree! Not one fattie! A statistical anomaly… Maybe there is a heroin addict in the brood?

  19. Posted by VonSloneker | December 18, 2013 at 9:29 AM

    Bangable bangable*, or no prenup bangable?

    - Guy who everywhere he goes people know the part I'm playin'

    * Yes, they're all cute. So that's where all the good looking girls in New York are…

  20. Posted by Physics | December 18, 2013 at 9:51 AM

    How do you get all those balls in the air at once?

  21. Posted by Rebecca M. | December 18, 2013 at 10:17 AM

    Don't you have some CIO to be monitoring instead of commenting?

  22. Posted by kwest | December 18, 2013 at 11:14 AM

    keep talkin shit, we gone see

  23. Posted by Rebecca M. | December 18, 2013 at 1:05 PM

    Talking balls to the face is never boring stuff.

  24. Posted by VonSloneker | December 18, 2013 at 6:28 PM

    Jamie, you need to supinate your palm on your backhand follow through. You can't impart any spin with that finishing position.

    - Guy who is willing to let you win every day for a desk down the hall

  25. Posted by Guest | December 18, 2013 at 11:37 PM

    This fucking Bloomberg backwash. Dammit Matt!

  26. Posted by for reals | December 20, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    their last name is Dimon. . .you're a lowly analyst. . .they could look like Rebel Wilson and you'd want to plow.

  27. Posted by Guest | December 20, 2013 at 2:16 PM

    Card is the definition of try-hard.

  28. Posted by Kimmy K. | December 20, 2013 at 4:52 PM

    He' a regular Cosimo de' Medici. Such class, such taste, what an ass.

  29. Posted by unwanted guest | December 24, 2013 at 6:00 AM

    Honey, call the girls!
    And tell them that they all need to marry a professional athlete for a year or two.
    And photoshop that card some more, needs a couple more balls.

  30. Posted by scallywagy | December 27, 2013 at 9:20 PM

     Everyone is free to do as they please. And of course if one is really offended they'd be challenging the status quo of the way banks are bailed out and the ordinary person continues to be walloped and suppressed instead of chintzing at people celebrating what is suppose to be a merry season, albeit in grander times…..
    http://scallywagandvagabond.com/2013/12/offended-