Earlier this month. Jamie Dimon’s office at 270 Park Avenue. Dimon is on his computer scrolling through pictures. As we get closer, we see that he’s looking at old Kardashian family Christmas cards that Kourtney and Khloe have tweeted, before the big reveal of this, which elicits a “Oh for crying out loud” from Dimon. After a few more moments he picks up the phone.
Judy Dimon: Hello?
Jamie Dimon: It’s me.
Judy Dimon: Oh hi honey, I’m glad you called, do you want me to pack your flannel shirt for the weekend? And what time will you be home, because I think we should get on the road by 5 and–
Jamie Dimon: Yeah, listen, you need to call the Blankfeins and cancel.
Judy Dimon: What do you mean cancel? We’ve been trying to do this weekend in Vermont with them for months.
Jamie Dimon: Can’t do it Judy. Cancel with Laura and then call the girls. Tell them to be at the house for a family meeting at 1900 hours.
Judy Dimon: Jamie what is this about?
Jamie Dimon: You know what it’s about.
Judy Dimon: I want to hear you say it.
Jamie Dimon: Don’t make me, Judy.
Judy Dimon: No, if I’m going to be forced to cancel our weekend with the Blankfeins and devote the next two days straight to what you have planned, I want to hear the words come out of your mouth.
Jamie Dimon: Fine. It’s Kris Jenner.
Judy Dimon: Oh, for Christ’s sake, I knew it. I thought you were over this.
Jamie Dimon: I’m not going to let her screw me again this year, Judy, I can’t. I WON’T. I–
Judy Dimon: Jamie, we’ve always had very nice Christmas cards. Certainly the best among all the Wall Street CEOs. This year might even be our best.
Jamie Dimon: Best among Wall Street CEOs? Is that who we’re comparing ourselves to? No, it’s garbage. Santa’s Little Elves, my god what was I thinking. We need to start from scratch.
Judy Dimon: Honey, you have got to get over this weird competitive thing with–
Jamie Dimon: Every year she does this to me. 1993. We do ‘Corgis and Candy Canes,’ she pulls out flipping ‘Hells Angels.’
Judy Dimon: Jamie.
Jamie Dimon: 1995, we do an homage to grunge, she puts the entire family in Canadian tuxedos.
Judy Dimon: Jamie, I just…
Jamie Dimon: Well not this year, Kris Jenner. Call the girls. Wait. Not JUST the girls. Call Bruce Jenner. He and Kris are on the outs, right? Think he’ll help us stick it to her? They’ve humiliated us for the last time.
Judy Dimon: Jamie I think you should just calm down and–
Jamie Dimon: Wait, no, forget Bruce. I’ll call Bruce. I know what to say to him. You just call the girls.
Judy Dimon: Jamie–
Jamie Dimon: CALL THE GIRLS!