Opening Bell: 01.29.14

U.S. Banks Steer Clear of Sensitive Customers (WSJ)
JP Morgan Chase & Co. has jettisoned more than 2,000 customers since the New York bank last year decided to reduce its exposure to businesses that could add to its long list of regulatory problems, according to a person familiar with the bank’s operations. Among other things, the bank has said it won’t lend to check-cashing companies and won’t process transactions or clear certain types of payments for some 500 foreign banks. J.P. Morgan also is cutting ties with a number of individual customers, from spouses of foreign leaders to people who have been indicted or convicted of a crime, said another person familiar with the lender’s policies. The bank dumped twice as many of these customers in 2013 as it did in 2012, the person said…The lack of banking services has been a big headache for Denver businessman Kayvan Khalatbari, co-owner of a medical marijuana dispensary and two pizza restaurants. He said he spent months last year wrestling with BBVA Compass after the regional, Texas-based bank dumped his accounts, including those associated with the pizza restaurants, an investment account and his personal account. BBVA Compass is a unit of Spanish lender Banco Bilbao Vizcaya Argentaria SA.

Obama Appeals for Action on Boosting Economic Mobility (Bloomberg)
Using executive authority to enact portions of an agenda that’s been stalled by Republicans, Obama said he’s raising the minimum wage to $10.10 for future federal contract workers while urging lawmakers to apply it to the rest of the nation. He also plans to create a retirement savings program for workers whose employers don’t offer a 401(k) plan.“The cold, hard fact is that even in the midst of recovery, too many Americans are working more than ever just to get by – let alone get ahead,” Obama said, in the text released by the White House. “Our job is to reverse these trends.” In all, the president announced a dozen actions that he said would help push against the economic forces that have left lower- and middle-income Americans still struggling to recover from the worst recession in more than seven decades. He also said he’s enlisting companies, including Apple Inc. and Verizon Communications Inc., to help solve issues from expanding broadband in schools to hiring the long-term unemployed.

Bitter Medicine In Store For Activists (WSJ)
More than half of the poison pills adopted in 2013 are designed to be triggered when a holder gains a stake of 10%. In 2005, less than 8% of poison pills had a trigger of 10%, according to FactSet. “Pills are being carefully crafted with an activist in mind,” said Chris Cox, a Cadwalader Wickersham & Taft LLP lawyer who advises boards. More corporate poison pills also now explicitly include swaps, options and other financial products as part of an ownership stake. About 59% of poison pills adopted last year counted these derivatives, up from just 4% in 2008, according to FactSet.

JPMorgan Said Near Decision on $2 Billion Commodities Unit Sale (Bloomberg)
JP Morgan could fetch at least $2 billion for its physical commodities unit after the bank received bids from Blackstone Group LP (BX), Macquarie Group and Mercuria Energy Group Ltd., people with knowledge of the matter said.

Analyst who helped ‘short’ Herbalife exits Pershing Square (NYP)
Shane Dineen, the Pershing Square analyst who did much of the initial work on the firm’s controversial $1 billion Herbalife short, has left the hedge fund, according to a letter sent to investors Tuesday night. Because of Dineen’s prominent Herbalife role, the young analyst became a lightning rod for angry Herbalife investors. Particularly vicious rumors about his possible departure have permeated the blogosphere and Twitter for more than a month. “Shane is one of the most talented investment analysts I have ever worked with,” said Pershing Square founder Bill Ackman, who added that he had tried to get Dineen to stay and can return “if and when he decides to.”

Bitcoin Activists Speak Up (WSJ)
In the first of two days of hearings held by New York’s top banking supervisor on the topic, prominent bitcoin entrepreneurs such as Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss acknowledged potential benefits of setting certain rules on the industry but warned that too much regulation could stall innovation and send jobs overseas.

Real woman to quit her job during GoDaddy’s Super Bowl ad (Today)
During GoDaddy’s Super Bowl ad, a real woman will tell her boss “I quit” on national television, the company announced. For those among the over 100 million estimated viewers who’ve ever fantasized about telling their manager to “shove it,” but never had the guts, the ad will be their chance to experience it vicariously. The woman’s boss will find out along with the rest of the country during the big game. After the ad runs, she’ll send a formal resignation letter and give her two-week notice…[the Today Show] will interview the woman on the show the day after the big game to find out what was going through her head and why she decided to quit her job this way.

Ex-Charterhouse Partner ‘Rocked’ by $66 Million Pay Cut Proposal (Bloomberg)
Geoff Arbuthnott is suing Bonnyman and the 16 other owners of the London-based private-equity firm for trying to seize his stake for less than he says it’s worth. In the London trial today, Arbuthnott said his relationship with Bonnyman soured before he resigned in 2008. Bonnyman called Arbuthnott into his office in December 2006 to discuss his performance and carried interest, the share of a fund’s profits that private-equity partners receive as compensation. Arbuthnott said he was told that the other executives wanted to cut his share of profits in half from a fund which he estimated would have cost him as much as 40 million pounds. “I was rocked back on my heels,” Arbuthnott said. “I’m just getting mugged here,” he said he thought at the time. “There is no point trying to have a sensible conversation.”

JPMorgan Technology VP Dies in Fall From London Headquarters (Bloomberg)
A vice president in technology operations, Gabriel Magee, died after falling from JPMorgan Chase & Co.’s London headquarters, the bank said today. The 39-year-old fell from 25 Bank Street in the Canary Wharf area onto a ninth-floor roof, London’s Metropolitan Police said, having been called to the scene at 8:02 this morning. Magee had worked for JPMorgan since 2004 in the corporate and investment bank’s technology support department, the New York-based lender said in a statement.

Turkey Gets Aggressive On Rates (WSJ)
Turkey’s central bank unveiled emergency interest-rate hikes Tuesday in a move that outstripped market expectations and sent the lira roaring back, in a test case for other emerging markets battling plunging currencies. The central bank more than doubled its benchmark one-week lending rate for banks to 10% from 4.5%. At the same time, in an apparent effort to quell volatility and get banks to hold money longer, it shifted its primary lending to the weekly rate from its overnight rate of 7.75%, which it raised even higher. The effective difference for most lending—2.25%—is a major move for any central bank, though not as large as it initially appeared.

Nasdaq’s plan for cutting prices infuriates rivals (Reuters)
In late October, Nasdaq told U.S. regulators that it wanted to offer cheaper trading for customers of one of its options exchanges, if their total volume of trading with all three of Nasdaq’s options exchanges was substantial. Regulators balked. The Securities and Exchange Commission put the proposal on hold in November, and asked rivals and customers for comment. If approved, the Nasdaq plan could have far-reaching effects on competition, pricing and complexity in options and stock markets. Rivals claim it would end a level playing field by favoring larger exchange companies that run a number of different marketplaces over smaller players.

Washington moms to gather signatures to get R-rated baristas to cover up (NYDN)
Residents in Spokane, Wash., are in a froth over nearly nude baristas slinging java at R-rated sex-presso stands and they are taking their case to the city council. For months, a group of ticked-off moms has been butting heads with owners of the city’s bikini coffee shops over their workers’ barely there outfits, which sometimes consist of little more than body paint and G-strings. “People say things like, ‘It’s no different than what you’d see at the beach,’ but it absolutely is,” one of the moms, Kimberly Curry, told local KHQ-TV. “You don’t see girls with pasties or body paint or G-strings at the beach.” On Monday, the moms were dealt a slight setback when the Spokane City Council said they must collect more than 2,000 signatures before the council would consider putting their initiative on the ballot in November, according to local reports. Curry spearheaded the initiative with two friends, Hillary Van Akin and Beth Solscheid. The trio said they’re not interested in shutting down the shops — which have frisky names such as XXXtreme Espresso, Bare Beans and Devil’s Brew — only getting the girls to cover up a little more. “We feel like we’re being pretty reasonable,” Curry told KHQ-TV. “We’re not asking them to wear turtlenecks or anything like that. We’d just like them to wear bras or bikinis.”

51 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (51)

  1. Posted by quant me maybe... | January 29, 2014 at 7:32 AM

    Ahhhh! My eyes!

    Shirt on the left should say Douchebag#1 and the right should say Douchebag#2 that way their parents know which is which.

    >Who the fuck would ever invest with these clowns?

  2. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 7:37 AM

    Glad to see that Phyllis Schlafly is alive and well in Spokane, Washington.

  3. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 8:28 AM

    Love to see them forced to promote regulation for bitcoin because they are scared of arrest all the while pissing off their bitcoin libertarian devotees.

    Government 1 – Anarchy 0

  4. Posted by Journal Entry | January 29, 2014 at 8:54 AM

    Jealous Spokane Mom – Journal Entry

    This morning started just like every morning, got the kids out of bed, breastfed my 5-year old, spewed vulgarity at my piece of sh*t husband for not anticipating my every need, and talked to my mom. Mom gave me more great advice about how to handle the growing complexity of my 43-year old existence. I don’t care what people say, managing a household full time is work! If it’s not small tears in my Yoga pants, it’s homework that I have to do for my boys, because lord knows, they don’t have the motivation to do it. That’s OK though, because my Yogi tells me that their inner child knows what it wants. OK, I lied, I don’t have a Yogi, but I should. And flexdave752 that I chat with on iVillage sure seems to be centered enough to be a Yogi. Regardless, my kids are special, and they’ll ease into this homework thing when they are ready. Everyone else can see how special they are. Mom agrees.

    So I get the Suburban sparked up, and we’re off to school. My POS husband can’t afford for us to live out by Nine Mile Falls where the class sizes are smaller, and where they let concerned moms like me help out in the classroom every day. So we’re stuck with Lincoln Heights, where the wannabe teachers keep hinting to me that I should be concerned about my kids’ social interactions. They don’t do half the research I do, and if they did, they would understand how breastfed kids are smarter, and that they probably just can’t find playmates who are at “their level.”

    On the way to school, I hit Bare Beans to get some coffee. It’s a convenient drive thru place, and I don’t really have any other options for coffee. Lord knows I’m not going to make it myself, and my POS husband doesn’t have the skills to brew a cup. Really my only options are Bare Beans, XXXtreme Expresso, and Devil’s Brew. Can you guess what happened when I got my piping hot cup of coffee at the drive thru window? The tramp that served it to me was wearing next to nothing! I mean, my form-fitting Lululemons leave little to the imagination, but this woman was completely uncovered! My outrage spilled over into defiant protest when my son saw his first breast that was not my own. That’s it. Spokane is not Portland, and I will not stand for open flaunting of the female form. Proper coverage by tight fitting sports bras or yoga pants is my personal limit, and it should be everyone else’s. Furthermore, I simply do not have any other options for coffee that would allow me to avoid being subjected to this National Geographic display of bulbous proportions. It’s time to get the government involved. At least that’s what mom and I decided.

  5. Posted by La Winkle Vie | January 29, 2014 at 9:01 AM

    They are degrading into Mike Rowe lookalikes. Give it a few years and they'll be hawking Fords on TV.

  6. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 9:04 AM

    your effort would be equally served by signing the petition to the white house to deport Justin Bieber to Canada while chasing after tittie expresso bars.
    https://petitions.whitehouse.gov/petition/deport-

  7. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 9:07 AM
  8. Posted by nymo | January 29, 2014 at 9:26 AM

    Demand Media and Cisneros Interactive Announce Advertising Partnership great news for company $$

  9. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 9:43 AM

    Never thought I'd say that I want to go back to Spokane again…

  10. Posted by Dirty Guest | January 29, 2014 at 9:43 AM

    Mike Rowe deserves better than these knuckle heads.

  11. Posted by Dr Snarf | January 29, 2014 at 9:44 AM

    The Easter Island Twins! Behold the grandeur of their enormous faces!

  12. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 9:46 AM

    Super Bowl is football, right?

    – Unrepentant nerd who can name all eight teams in the NA LCS but can't name either of the teams playing this Sunday (this Sunday, or is it next Sunday?)

  13. Posted by Trucker manboobs | January 29, 2014 at 10:01 AM

    Sure they are naked, but are they Yellen!

  14. Posted by Starbucks | January 29, 2014 at 10:05 AM

    Why do I think the real business model of these broads is to sell meth?

  15. Posted by Guest69696 | January 29, 2014 at 10:10 AM

    Deport these fuckers to Winklepenisland.Oh and that Marissa Mayer – Yahoo! ain't a kitchen now is it? SO GET THE FUCK OUT TOO!

  16. Posted by Holdfast | January 29, 2014 at 10:16 AM

    fuckin soetero isn't going do anything, hes all about dispossessing US citizens

  17. Posted by McKinsey | January 29, 2014 at 10:18 AM

    meth and coffee is horizontal integration you freak

  18. Posted by Kool Moe Dee | January 29, 2014 at 10:20 AM

    Damn, you winding down Pershing Square on live TV, bro?

  19. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 10:22 AM

    Isn't a french press only like $50? A pour-over brewer like $10?

  20. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 10:32 AM

    And people try to say you can't buy your way into Harvard (anymore). Ha! Exhibit 1 and 2 is these inbred looking fucks

  21. Posted by Stamm | January 29, 2014 at 10:33 AM

    Do bitches really dig Chevy Suburbans that much? I just don't see the value. What about an Acura MDX and with the money left over go get her nips pierced to spark romance post 7 year itch?

  22. Posted by Alices Restaurant | January 29, 2014 at 10:37 AM

    Why do I think the real business model of these broads is to sell tits?

  23. Posted by segoviacobain | January 29, 2014 at 10:37 AM

    Honestly, my first job was at Q-6 in spokane. Odd to see them here.

  24. Posted by 4th grader | January 29, 2014 at 10:40 AM

    I heard they share a penis

  25. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2014 at 10:42 AM

    "Really my only options are Bare Beans, XXXtreme Expresso, and Devil’s Brew."

    I know how she feels. In the summer, sometimes on the weekend I hike it up to the Meatpacking District for a Blue Bottle iced coffee. Struggle city. Sometimes I try to find a Brooklyn girl to go home with just so I can have the Uber driver stop before going over the Williamburg bridge. Not proud of it

  26. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 10:53 AM

    Acuras are fine … if you're a pharm rep douche in Chicago begging docs to write more Zoloft scrips. Suburban LTZ is like $70k with a first-class towing rating and a hell of a lot less gauche than a Range Rover or GL-class.

  27. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 10:54 AM

    Acuras are fine … if you're a pharm rep douche in Chicago begging docs to write more Zoloft scripts. Suburban LTZ is like $70k with a first-class towing rating and a hell of a lot less gauche than a Range Rover or GL-class.

  28. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2014 at 10:56 AM

    Hey, I don't know how to tell you this, but everyone at work thinks you're a closet homosexual. Sorry. Oh, and stop trying to make flannel ties happen.

  29. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 10:59 AM

    $70k for an interior full of hard plasic means slipping the D in the #2 while claiming you were aim'n for #1 is kosher.

  30. Posted by Howard Marks | January 29, 2014 at 10:59 AM

    After reviewing the shirt on the left we are now deeply regretting our involvement with Billabong.

  31. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2014 at 11:04 AM

    "Really my only options are Bare Beans, XXXtreme Expresso, and Devil’s Brew."

    Know that feel. Sometimes I try to find a Brooklyn girl to go home with just so in the morning I can have the Uber driver stop at Blue Bottle for an ice coffee before going over the Williamsburg bridge. Not proud of it

  32. Posted by Ted E. | January 29, 2014 at 11:08 AM

    I'm confused, the news is that non-real people think that real people never resign?

  33. Posted by MFIN Grad | January 29, 2014 at 11:18 AM

    I'm 6'5 220lbs packing 2 inches, and there are two of me

    -Winkle 1

  34. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 11:19 AM

    Dude no one knows or cares what the NA LCS is. Just shut it.

  35. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    I assume it's a table tennis league? Greg?

  36. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 11:35 AM

    Because your dad is also your grandfather?

  37. Posted by Winklebaby | January 29, 2014 at 12:03 PM

    After attempting to fraudently revive TraderBaby (he is missed) I realize that even if he wanted to return, the system would shut him down. TraderBaby is dead. Long live TraderBaby.

  38. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 12:24 PM

    I've always found the dismissive attitude toward table tennis to be a bit hilarious when it comes from people who have an attitude toward golf that borders on the religious. Because batting around a tiny ball is a totally different activity when it's on a lawn rather than on a table top . . .

    – Guy who sees miniature gold as both a thoroughly enjoyable activity and an utterly brilliant satire of one of Western civilization's most ridiculous rites

  39. Posted by KingCo | January 29, 2014 at 12:57 PM

    Nasdaq’s plan for cutting prices infuriates rivals

    Nice to see NDAQ taking a break from just infuriating its customers.

  40. Posted by Shooter | January 29, 2014 at 1:02 PM

    So youre trading Mini Gold. What's the volume in there 200 ?

  41. Posted by BroBro | January 29, 2014 at 1:19 PM

    I would guess they have had a lot of tag team action through the years.

  42. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 1:54 PM

    Pro tip: When they announce "It's WinkleTime!", leave the room quickly.

  43. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 1:56 PM

    Real Woman: "I quit. I am not coming in on Monday."

    Real Boss: "Shut the fcuk up I am trying to watch the Superbowl."

    Can't wait.

  44. Posted by Laxbro | January 29, 2014 at 2:05 PM

    Your thoughts are very unAmerican, bordering on Euro-trash.

  45. Posted by Cory Reserver | January 29, 2014 at 2:18 PM

    Yeah and the 2014 game is going to be played in New York this weekend.

  46. Posted by Guest | January 29, 2014 at 2:20 PM

    Wee Willie Winkle

  47. Posted by DB IT Hamster | January 29, 2014 at 3:32 PM

    They'll never guess how many "baby"s it takes….

  48. Posted by Brian Bozworth, CFA | January 29, 2014 at 4:17 PM

    What was the guy's names who used to beat your ass in grade school?

  49. Posted by Wait a Minute | January 29, 2014 at 10:19 PM

    Hey! Too close to home. Read the last section of this article please. One's dad can also be one's grandfather.
    http://www.star-telegram.com/2013/12/16/5423642/m

  50. Posted by Hey Yo | January 29, 2014 at 10:23 PM

    So the protesters hope that the boob-rista employers will go "tits up"?

  51. Posted by Moderator | January 30, 2014 at 11:49 AM

    It's Dealbreaker. You can say "fuck" here.