• 03 Feb 2014 at 3:50 PM

Start Working On Your SAC Capital Eulogies Now

We knew that our time was limited but it wasn’t until this morning that we found out how limited: according to Dealbook, SAC Capital as we know it will cease to exist come mid-March, at which point the firm take on a new name, streamline its “legal entities,” and add a layer of middlemen whose purpose is to make it more difficult for traders to get face time with the Big Guy.

In the spirit of the plea deal, which ordered SAC to shut its doors to outside investors, the new firm will condense into fewer legal entities and will not accept any external money. The slimmed-down operation, the people said, will operate as a so-called family office that manages employee money and an estimated $9 billion from the personal fortune of Mr. Cohen, SAC’s owner and founder…“We have taken to heart the government’s criticisms of our business model, and as we convert to a family office we are making substantive changes,” an SAC spokesman said in a statement, declining to discuss specifics of the new firm.

Still, Mr. Cohen will remain chief executive of the new, yet-to-be-named business. And the firm will simply reshuffle its staff to add a layer of management between Mr. Cohen and the firm’s existing traders, another nod to the plea deal and the government’s apparent fixation with seeking to link Mr. Cohen to illicit trading.

What will the new firm be called? No one knows for sure, though there have been many suggestions to choose from, including SEC Capital, Zamboni Asset Management, and The Physical Impossibility Of Jail Time In the Mind Of Someone Living Large Capital. What is known for sure is that come March, a little piece of Wall Street will die. How will you mourn the passing of this giant? Start by thinking about the eulogy you’ll deliver, whether it’s in the bar car of the 5:37 train out of Stamford, the back room at Beamer’s, or the front lawn of 72 Cummings Point Road as people awkwardly make their way to their cars. If you’re having having trouble organizing your thoughts, start small by simply filling in this blank: “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

And remember, there are no wrong answers; grief takes on many forms.

After Scandal, SAC Capital Begins to Fade to Black [Dealbook]

23 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
Show all comments ↓

Comments (23)

  1. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 3:55 PM

    “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

    the way it opened my eyes to the multi-functional uses of whiteboard markers.

  2. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 3:56 PM

    “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

    the free hot dogs.

    -guy who can obviously afford a hot dog but who loves free shit just as much as everyone else

  3. Posted by guesticles | February 3, 2014 at 3:56 PM

    “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

    the way it made me feel about myself.

  4. Posted by InfiniteGuest | February 3, 2014 at 4:06 PM

    Bess, the thing I'll miss most is your take on SAC, without which it would only be another large, successful hedge fund.
    That and the magic tricks.

  5. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:06 PM

    …how it brought me back to my childhood of getting screamed at and being called an idiot.

    - guy with daddy issues

  6. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:07 PM

    what it did for the animals in formaldehyde genre.

    -damien hirst

  7. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:08 PM

    how it vigorously and yet tenderly made love to me.

  8. Posted by shark guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:21 PM

    great, now i'm crying.

  9. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:23 PM

    amen.

  10. Posted by mr_blonde | February 3, 2014 at 4:37 PM

    Right. Yeah. A buffer. The family had a lot of buffers.

  11. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:40 PM

    …?

  12. Posted by biglawinsecure | February 3, 2014 at 4:48 PM

    "weve taken to heart the government's criticism of our model"…classic.

  13. Posted by Guest | February 3, 2014 at 4:55 PM

    Business model being insider trading?

  14. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 5:14 PM

    seconded.

  15. Posted by everyone | February 3, 2014 at 5:20 PM

    “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

    the bess articles

  16. Posted by Bandersnatch | February 3, 2014 at 5:45 PM

    It's a There's Something About Mary reference. Try to keep up.

  17. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 6:26 PM

    gosh sorry for not being 40

  18. Posted by johnny ola | February 3, 2014 at 6:53 PM

    Godfather II
    Senator Pat Geary: Mr. Cici, was there always a buffer involved?

    Willi Cici: A what?

    Senator Pat Geary: A buffer. Someone in between you and your possible superiors who passed on to you the actual order to kill someone.

    Willi Cici: Oh yeah, a buffer. The family had a lot of buffers!

  19. Posted by Sigmund Freud | February 3, 2014 at 6:57 PM

    “The thing I’ll miss most about SAC Capital is _____.”

    The free psychiatric services.

  20. Posted by guest | February 3, 2014 at 7:59 PM

    Infinite Guest did it earlier and did it better. Learn from this.

  21. Posted by Turnip Truck | February 3, 2014 at 8:54 PM

    "apparent fixation?" C'mon, Dealbook, make an effort not to sound like you're paraphrasing their publicist.

    "is….the grown men fainting like little girls."

  22. Posted by lavidaloca | February 4, 2014 at 10:50 AM

    I will miss the Puerto Rican version of Grace Kelly… the lovely Mrs. SAC. She always had witty bon mots to trade about her time in the barrio and the lightning bolt that struck her pocketbook that fateful eve at People Resources.

  23. Posted by maria | February 6, 2014 at 8:14 PM

    Without brain you can not talk