Garment-Makers Working 24/7 To Have Point72 Fleeces Ready By April 7

As you’ve probably heard by now, the upper echelons of SAC Capital management have selected a new name for the firm and its sub-units as part of an effort to close the insider trading/government cavity search chapter of its history and begin anew (next month). They’ve gone with Point72 Asset Management, inspired by the firm’s Stamford address (72 Cummings Point Road) and honestly? We’re not loving it. What was once a name that evoked confidence, excitement, and yes, fear, all in equal measures, now brings to mind a Kia. What could have been “King of Diamonds Capital Management” is now directions once you get off 95.

There is, however, a small glimmer of hope, buried beneath Point72 and EverPoint and all of the other points and the off brand “Cubist Systematic Strategies.”1 To his secretive2 “personal investments,” the great man will continue to lend his name.

The firm’s two new equity-trading units will do business as Point72 Asset Management and EverPoint Asset Management, while its quantitative-trading business will be called Cubist Systematic Strategies, Conheeney said. Cohen’s private investments will be managed by Cohen Private Ventures.

In this name we can still picture someone telling his idiot portfolio managers to go home; someone perched in his nest above the trading floor, without an anti-fraud layer of authority between him and the people losing him money; someone secretive, defiant and maybe still a little unscrupulous (but only on the matter of hot dogs). In this name, we still have something and someone to believe in.

A New Name for SAC Capital: Point72 [Dealbook]
Cohen’s SAC Capital to Rename as Point72 Asset Management [Bloomberg]

1. I don’t actually mind this, but if you’re going to do it, really do it, i.e. the other funds should be Impressionist Strategies, Dadaism Capital Management, Surrealism Investors, and so on and so forth.
2. It’s a family office: aren’t they all his private investments?

(hidden for your protection)
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22 Responses to “Garment-Makers Working 24/7 To Have Point72 Fleeces Ready By April 7”

  1. Guest says:

    What's the point of naming it anything when it can't accept outside money. All they need to call it is Stevie's Money.

  2. Guest says:

    Stevie, I've got a 3-d printer at your service if the sweatshops in Bangladesh doesn't pull through with the fleeces.

  3. Guest says:


  4. Guest says:

    Why would you use Shazar's college GPA as the name of a hedge fund?

  5. guest says:

    Word is that Guy Fieri was banned after the last "incident" so paying homage to King of Diamonds was out of the question:

  6. Guest says:

    72 points = 72 stitches

  7. Quant me maybe ... says:

    You all have it wrong with those fleeces.

    Just to say 'fuck you I never left' the Point72 fleeces will be bespoke fleeces made from the hides of former SEC staffers and AG 3rd year associates.

    >And they weren't under anesthesia when his new compliance department cut their skin off, either.

  8. Fed watch says:

    …registers @point72_elevator

  9. Viknesh Mumbai says:

    Hello, pls consider me for position i have phD from mumbai.

  10. Juliet Martoma says:

    What's in a name ?

  11. tsss tssss says:

    wuz gooood budayyysss?

  12. Stevie Cohen says:

    Sors salutis
    et virtutis
    michi nunc contraria,
    est affectus
    et defectus
    semper in angaria.
    Hac in hora
    sine mora
    corde pulsum tangite;
    quod per sortem
    sternit fortem

  13. guest says:

    Well, I was going with Fah-Q Preet Capital LLC but was advised against it.

    -You know who.

  14. Guest says:

    "is now directions once you get off 95" Why would anyone want to?

    -Generation X

  15. b. dee says:

    cohen's head is mysteriously shaped. maybe that hairstyle doesn't flow well with it

  16. yup says:

    Good, Route69 is still available