News

Would-Be Investment Banking Intern Destroys Competition With Exceptional Vision (20:15), Superior Handle Of Emotions

Applying for a internship with one of Wall Street’s storied investment bank’s this summer? Think you’ve got a pretty good chance of landing the gig? Confident that you stack up to everyone else in the pool? Not if you’re going head to head with this guy,[1] whose qualifications speak for themselves:

[1] Whose name and identifying details we have clearly and purposely omitted, which means you should NOT take it upon yourself to seek them out and post them in the comments below, if you want to continue having nice things.

87 comments
(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

87 Responses to “Would-Be Investment Banking Intern Destroys Competition With Exceptional Vision (20:15), Superior Handle Of Emotions”

  1. TheodoreBallgamePhD says:

    He's computer literate. Also can be translated into "Less than 75 years old."

  2. overachiever says:

    "I am pursing a path towards and MBA" – great attention to details

  3. Guest says:

    CV– TLDR

  4. MFINGrad says:

    "Keen attention to detail"

    later pontificates " pursuing a path towards and MBA"

  5. Guest says:

    ESL student with advanced skills with google translator.

  6. guest says:

    He wrote Credits Spread, he's hired

    -UBS Quant recruiter

  7. Guest says:

    And if he doesn't get the internship, I recommend he texts his whole resume 37 times to those interviewers who rejected him.

  8. Sick Person says:

    "…decided to switch from medicine into the finance game"

    Phew

  9. yup says:

    why do I get the feeling this applicant was sexually assaulted in his/her past and also wrote about the experience in his/her community college admission essay?

    it's tough to see such talent lured away from "medicine" at the undergrad level

  10. Guest says:

    1. Favorite Kind of Deal Breaker

    2. This guy either goes to Cornell or IIT.

  11. Guest says:

    The only experience he seems to have is to bather on about himself.

  12. Guest says:

    "…proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word, and Outlook." Nice touch.

    • Jugdish says:

      Interviewer: Can you expand on your proficiency in Outlook?
      Interviewee: Certainly. I can read and send emails. I can reply, both to one sender, as well as to everyone else who also received the email. I can even reply to most of those people, while removing several from the list. Finally, I can delete emails as well. I believe there is also a calendar function. While I haven't used that yet, I am pretty sure I could pick it up in a week or two.

  13. Quant me maybe... says:

    And to think what he can do in the real world!
    I would have added:
    1) Inventor of Bitcoin.
    2) Shorted the market while I was still in diapers (Like circa 2007)
    3) Made it OK to have a comma between the 2nd and 3rd item in a list even when and is used.

    >Pretty sure that this is his 'Call of Duty' profile.

  14. Guest says:

    "I was pursuing a career for which the sole motivation I had was to appease my parents…."

    we've learned that this may involve changing names and altering transcripts too.

  15. spoony says:

    "…proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word, and Outlook."

    No PowerPoint? Next.

  16. Guest says:

    "Learning Italian this summer" while unemployed.

  17. rice and beans says:

    Knows his way around a thesaurus and pretty handy with adjectives, too. Was really hoping for a video of him benchpressing some shit.

  18. guest says:

    I'd interview this guy if only to ask him how exactly he planned on using his prestige to ameliorate the world's situation.

  19. HR Rep says:

    Quick Dealbreaker Poll… would you have this guy in for a chat? ———-Pleas vote with thumbs——->>

  20. guestie says:

    "My natural confidence and ability to put on any persona in any situation…"

    Sociopath? You're hired!

  21. Guest says:

    "I will not be happy with any job unless I am a leader"

    But, please hire me as an intern so I can be not happy working for you.

  22. guest says:

    "Incredibly fast learner, reader, and writer [of fragments with periods]."

  23. Guest says:

    I have his resume in hand. Goes to a not-to-be-named school in Chi (not NW or UofC), and has his GPA listed as a 2.9. Classic

  24. Peter says:

    Impossible is nothing

  25. BoA says:

    Where was this guy when we hired that moynihan guy?

  26. Kramerica Industries says:

    It's almost like he has no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.

  27. Im_a_Dude says:

    "I was pursuing a career for which the sole motivation I had was to appease my parents…."

    I Knew it. It's Kumar from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

  28. I'll Say It says:

    You people are all pissed that you didn't think to put that on your resume. You'll all be working for him someday.

  29. Tourist says:

    Another example of the "best and the brightest" that go into Finance.

  30. Guest says:

    Look out, Patrick Bateman…

  31. UBS says:

    We can use someone with his/her skills.

  32. Goldman Ballsachs says:

    All this just to mask a shitty GPA jesus.

  33. Truth hurts says:

    Last thing I want is an analyst who 'demands respect' and wants to be 'a leader'.

    Lead yourself back to your fucking cube and respectfully wait until 7pm when I drop off some work and screw up your weekend plans of going to a bar and not getting laid

  34. Jolly Good Fellow says:

    Welcome aboard!

    UBS Ops MD

  35. Raj-Raj-Rajat says:

    Kid knows Hindi & Urdu. He is Indian!!!

    Yet another Indian kid making the upward social climb from child of gas-station / 7-11 cashier / motel operator to Wall Street.

    Much like Rajat Gupta, Rajaratnam, Anil Kumar, Samir Barai, Matthew Martoma…

  36. GSE says:

    This guy cannot be serious. God damn punjabis nowadays are valuing themselves on nothing.

  37. lolz says:

    "I have decided to switch from medicine into the finance game"

  38. Anony says:

    In the first sentence, this kid mentions: "I would much rather you know the person I am"
    Where is "LET"? He conveniently ate it…
    No attention to detail.. Stupid! Loser! Duffer!

  39. Jon says:

    Damn it!! We're losing Raj, the star analyst from the m&a team.

    -UBS MD

  40. Guest says:

    This kid basically failed at becoming a doctor. You can't get into med school with a 2.9 GPA, so he just switched to business since its easier.

  41. guest says:

    Damn, people Indian people like this give my race a bad name. First off, what Indian has a 2.9 GPA. Switching from medical to business, not very common. The only thing Indian about his resume is that he is on the Tennis Club.

    -UBS South Asian Quant

    • guest says:

      He's not Indian you moron. His linkedin says Arabic and his name is clearly islamic. His facebook says hes from Dubai.

      -Goldman South Asian Quant

  42. Raj Raj says:

    The only people who put their linkedin industry as "venture capital & private equity", are people who actually don't work in those industries.

  43. BNP Paribas H.R. says:

    We'll take him!

  44. Wally says:

    Anyone who uses the phrase "at the end of the day" should be rejected immediately.

  45. hire me says:

    Needed a pick me up and re-read. Missed that he asked a rhetorical question in his "experience" paragraph. Love it!

  46. secondbest says:

    Why would he apply to work for anyone doing anything? Why not just set his mind to creating his own hedge fund right now?
    Everyone should give him the strongest recommendation to be a portfolio manager at the largest sovereign wealth fund by assets. But only so you can be his best sales coverage…..for a year.

  47. GSelevator says:

    I'd hire him he's motivated

  48. sab says:

    Please, let's all stand together holding hands and thanking God he quit Medicine.

  49. Fleming says:

    Wow Amy Chua's kids need to get out more.

  50. buttplug says:

    "Member of Tennis Club"…

    Hired.

  51. Guest says:

    Do they meet in a phone booth?

Our Sites

  • Above the Law
  • How Appealing
  • ATL Redline
  • Breaking Defense
  • Breaking Energy
  • Breaking Gov
  • Dealbreaker
  • Fashonista
  •