Applying for a internship with one of Wall Street’s storied investment bank’s this summer? Think you’ve got a pretty good chance of landing the gig? Confident that you stack up to everyone else in the pool? Not if you’re going head to head with this guy,[1] whose qualifications speak for themselves:

[1] Whose name and identifying details we have clearly and purposely omitted, which means you should NOT take it upon yourself to seek them out and post them in the comments below, if you want to continue having nice things.

88 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (88)

  1. Posted by TheodoreBallgamePhD | March 19, 2014 at 4:45 PM

    He's computer literate. Also can be translated into "Less than 75 years old."

  2. Posted by overachiever | March 19, 2014 at 4:48 PM

    "I am pursing a path towards and MBA" – great attention to details

  3. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 4:49 PM

    CV– TLDR

  4. Posted by MFINGrad | March 19, 2014 at 4:52 PM

    "Keen attention to detail"

    later pontificates " pursuing a path towards and MBA"

  5. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 4:52 PM

    ESL student with advanced skills with google translator.

  6. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 4:52 PM

    too slow to the draw hombre

  7. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 4:53 PM

    He wrote Credits Spread, he's hired

    -UBS Quant recruiter

  8. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 4:57 PM

    And if he doesn't get the internship, I recommend he texts his whole resume 37 times to those interviewers who rejected him.

  9. Posted by MFINGrad | March 19, 2014 at 4:57 PM

    fair

  10. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:00 PM

    not an intern but for sure doing this the next time I don't get a job I interview for.

  11. Posted by Sick Person | March 19, 2014 at 5:02 PM

    "…decided to switch from medicine into the finance game"

    Phew

  12. Posted by yup | March 19, 2014 at 5:06 PM

    why do I get the feeling this applicant was sexually assaulted in his/her past and also wrote about the experience in his/her community college admission essay?

    it's tough to see such talent lured away from "medicine" at the undergrad level

  13. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:09 PM

    1. Favorite Kind of Deal Breaker

    2. This guy either goes to Cornell or IIT.

  14. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:09 PM

    The only experience he seems to have is to bather on about himself.

  15. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:10 PM

    "…proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word, and Outlook." Nice touch.

  16. Posted by Quant me maybe... | March 19, 2014 at 5:13 PM

    And to think what he can do in the real world!
    I would have added:
    1) Inventor of Bitcoin.
    2) Shorted the market while I was still in diapers (Like circa 2007)
    3) Made it OK to have a comma between the 2nd and 3rd item in a list even when and is used.

    >Pretty sure that this is his 'Call of Duty' profile.

  17. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:17 PM

    "I was pursuing a career for which the sole motivation I had was to appease my parents…."

    we've learned that this may involve changing names and altering transcripts too.

  18. Posted by spoony | March 19, 2014 at 5:18 PM

    "…proficient in Microsoft Excel, Word, and Outlook."

    No PowerPoint? Next.

  19. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:19 PM

    "Learning Italian this summer" while unemployed.

  20. Posted by rice and beans | March 19, 2014 at 5:21 PM

    Knows his way around a thesaurus and pretty handy with adjectives, too. Was really hoping for a video of him benchpressing some shit.

  21. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:23 PM

    I'd interview this guy if only to ask him how exactly he planned on using his prestige to ameliorate the world's situation.

  22. Posted by HR Rep | March 19, 2014 at 5:25 PM

    Quick Dealbreaker Poll… would you have this guy in for a chat? ———-Pleas vote with thumbs——->>

  23. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:37 PM

    who's to say this is a dude. could be a girl.

  24. Posted by Compliance | March 19, 2014 at 5:38 PM

    "finance game"

    next

  25. Posted by guestie | March 19, 2014 at 5:38 PM

    "My natural confidence and ability to put on any persona in any situation…"

    Sociopath? You're hired!

  26. Posted by Western Man | March 19, 2014 at 5:41 PM

    servile asiatic

  27. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:47 PM

    "I will not be happy with any job unless I am a leader"

    But, please hire me as an intern so I can be not happy working for you.

  28. Posted by @point72_capital | March 19, 2014 at 5:48 PM

    medicine ?

    huh….

  29. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 5:53 PM

    "Incredibly fast learner, reader, and writer [of fragments with periods]."

  30. Posted by Jugdish | March 19, 2014 at 6:23 PM

    Interviewer: Can you expand on your proficiency in Outlook?
    Interviewee: Certainly. I can read and send emails. I can reply, both to one sender, as well as to everyone else who also received the email. I can even reply to most of those people, while removing several from the list. Finally, I can delete emails as well. I believe there is also a calendar function. While I haven't used that yet, I am pretty sure I could pick it up in a week or two.

  31. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 6:28 PM

    I have his resume in hand. Goes to a not-to-be-named school in Chi (not NW or UofC), and has his GPA listed as a 2.9. Classic

  32. Posted by Peter | March 19, 2014 at 6:38 PM

    Impossible is nothing

  33. Posted by MFINGrad | March 19, 2014 at 7:24 PM

    I felt the same way, plus I like the gay undertones

    - Tom Ripley

  34. Posted by Preftige | March 19, 2014 at 7:26 PM

    Figures he would be at a city college like u of c

  35. Posted by BoA | March 19, 2014 at 7:39 PM

    Where was this guy when we hired that moynihan guy?

  36. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 7:56 PM

    Have seen actual resume. You're giving him way too much credit.

  37. Posted by Kramerica Industries | March 19, 2014 at 8:37 PM

    It's almost like he has no business training at all. I don't know what this is supposed to be.

  38. Posted by Im_a_Dude | March 19, 2014 at 8:56 PM

    "I was pursuing a career for which the sole motivation I had was to appease my parents…."

    I Knew it. It's Kumar from Harold and Kumar go to White Castle

  39. Posted by I'll Say It | March 19, 2014 at 10:12 PM

    You people are all pissed that you didn't think to put that on your resume. You'll all be working for him someday.

  40. Posted by Tourist | March 19, 2014 at 10:17 PM

    Another example of the "best and the brightest" that go into Finance.

  41. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 10:18 PM

    Look out, Patrick Bateman…

  42. Posted by UBS | March 19, 2014 at 10:19 PM

    We can use someone with his/her skills.

  43. Posted by Guest | March 19, 2014 at 11:05 PM

    Google reveals all – he's gonna be getting a *lot* of profile views on LinkedIn…

  44. Posted by Goldman Ballsachs | March 19, 2014 at 11:29 PM

    All this just to mask a shitty GPA jesus.

  45. Posted by guest | March 19, 2014 at 11:46 PM

    Please tell me that's with a double major in ChemE and biophysics or some such freakishly hard course.

  46. Posted by Chut Face | March 20, 2014 at 3:10 AM

    Is there a difference?

  47. Posted by Truth hurts | March 20, 2014 at 4:46 AM

    Last thing I want is an analyst who 'demands respect' and wants to be 'a leader'.

    Lead yourself back to your fucking cube and respectfully wait until 7pm when I drop off some work and screw up your weekend plans of going to a bar and not getting laid

  48. Posted by Jolly Good Fellow | March 20, 2014 at 5:36 AM

    Welcome aboard!

    UBS Ops MD

  49. Posted by Guest | March 20, 2014 at 7:53 AM

    It's not. And even those majors probably wouldn't be difficult at the school he is attending

  50. Posted by Guest | March 20, 2014 at 7:54 AM

    At least he is consistent… his LinkedIn summary is the bottom half of this resume

  51. Posted by Christopher Guest | March 20, 2014 at 9:06 AM

    This is why we can't have nice things.

  52. Posted by Walter Sobchak | March 20, 2014 at 9:21 AM

    ..just trying to get ahead..

  53. Posted by Raj-Raj-Rajat | March 20, 2014 at 10:41 AM

    Kid knows Hindi & Urdu. He is Indian!!!

    Yet another Indian kid making the upward social climb from child of gas-station / 7-11 cashier / motel operator to Wall Street.

    Much like Rajat Gupta, Rajaratnam, Anil Kumar, Samir Barai, Matthew Martoma…

  54. Posted by Turnip Truck | March 20, 2014 at 10:49 AM

    Suggest you try going to Sri Lanka and telling them they are Indians.

  55. Posted by guest | March 20, 2014 at 11:12 AM

    Difficult is Nothing.

  56. Posted by GSE | March 20, 2014 at 11:20 AM

    This guy cannot be serious. God damn punjabis nowadays are valuing themselves on nothing.

  57. Posted by Guest | March 20, 2014 at 11:30 AM

    It's not

  58. Posted by lolz | March 20, 2014 at 12:26 PM

    "I have decided to switch from medicine into the finance game"

  59. Posted by Oxbridge | March 20, 2014 at 1:55 PM

    Isn't 3 called an Oxford Comma?

  60. Posted by You Shouldn't Have | March 20, 2014 at 2:39 PM

    You must be new here

  61. Posted by Anony | March 20, 2014 at 6:51 PM

    In the first sentence, this kid mentions: "I would much rather you know the person I am"
    Where is "LET"? He conveniently ate it…
    No attention to detail.. Stupid! Loser! Duffer!

  62. Posted by Anony | March 20, 2014 at 6:52 PM

    From the way, he writes (considering all the errors), only an idiot will be working for him.. huh

  63. Posted by Gotta Love Bankers | March 20, 2014 at 7:15 PM

    Ditto to you.

    - The Buyside

  64. Posted by Jon | March 20, 2014 at 8:37 PM

    Damn it!! We're losing Raj, the star analyst from the m&a team.

    -UBS MD

  65. Posted by Xcel | March 20, 2014 at 9:40 PM

    Who is this kid? Name?

  66. Posted by asdf | March 20, 2014 at 10:35 PM

    that's a grammatically correct sentence. you don't need a "let"

  67. Posted by Chris Christie | March 20, 2014 at 11:14 PM

    Nah, he's just biology, so easy to search this kid up. I googled his name and in images he has the douchiest pictures with fraternity hand signs. Even his facebook pic of him being shirtless popped up. I could use a guy like this in my administration.

  68. Posted by VAMPIRE WEEKEND | March 21, 2014 at 10:10 AM

    Who gives a f*ck about an oxford comma?

  69. Posted by Caller | March 21, 2014 at 11:38 AM

    Apparently not the colonies.

  70. Posted by Guest | March 21, 2014 at 5:54 PM

    This kid basically failed at becoming a doctor. You can't get into med school with a 2.9 GPA, so he just switched to business since its easier.

  71. Posted by guest | March 21, 2014 at 7:18 PM

    Damn, people Indian people like this give my race a bad name. First off, what Indian has a 2.9 GPA. Switching from medical to business, not very common. The only thing Indian about his resume is that he is on the Tennis Club.

    -UBS South Asian Quant

  72. Posted by guest | March 21, 2014 at 7:45 PM

    He's not Indian you moron. His linkedin says Arabic and his name is clearly islamic. His facebook says hes from Dubai.

    -Goldman South Asian Quant

  73. Posted by Raj Raj | March 21, 2014 at 10:19 PM

    The only people who put their linkedin industry as "venture capital & private equity", are people who actually don't work in those industries.

  74. Posted by BNP Paribas H.R. | March 22, 2014 at 12:19 AM

    We'll take him!

  75. Posted by Central_Wanker | March 24, 2014 at 8:15 AM

    Tom, leave me alone.
    -Dickie

  76. Posted by Wally | March 24, 2014 at 10:55 AM

    Anyone who uses the phrase "at the end of the day" should be rejected immediately.

  77. Posted by Guest | March 24, 2014 at 11:32 AM

    Do they meet in a phone booth?

  78. Posted by hire me | March 24, 2014 at 12:10 PM

    Needed a pick me up and re-read. Missed that he asked a rhetorical question in his "experience" paragraph. Love it!

  79. Posted by secondbest | March 25, 2014 at 8:29 AM

    Why would he apply to work for anyone doing anything? Why not just set his mind to creating his own hedge fund right now?
    Everyone should give him the strongest recommendation to be a portfolio manager at the largest sovereign wealth fund by assets. But only so you can be his best sales coverage…..for a year.

  80. Posted by GSelevator | March 25, 2014 at 9:57 AM

    I'd hire him he's motivated

  81. Posted by steve | March 25, 2014 at 11:03 AM

    The guy who had "Impossible is Nothing" resume a few years back is dead.

  82. Posted by SAC | March 25, 2014 at 1:47 PM

    It's an old application, we don't need it now, the guy is not around anymore.

    - SAC Capital

  83. Posted by sab | March 25, 2014 at 7:50 PM

    Please, let's all stand together holding hands and thanking God he quit Medicine.

  84. Posted by Fleming | March 26, 2014 at 10:32 AM

    Wow Amy Chua's kids need to get out more.

  85. Posted by GSelevator | March 27, 2014 at 5:51 AM
  86. Posted by buttplug | March 31, 2014 at 6:01 PM

    "Member of Tennis Club"…

    Hired.

  87. Posted by newbie | April 11, 2014 at 1:50 PM

    New to this site, but what's with all the UBS hate? I find it funny.

  88. Posted by GSMD | April 14, 2014 at 2:32 PM