News

New Investment Banking Hire (‘s Colleagues) Want To Get A Few Things Straight

Update: While the below is in fact “real” (as in it was an email sent out to people), it appears as though it was a prank on behalf of redacted’s co-workers. Let is now serve as an important cautionary tale: failing to lock up your computer upon stepping away for even mere moments may result in your handsy colleagues having their way with your business.
____________________________________________________

From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2014 2:30 PM

All,

I’m excited for this opportunity to join the [redacted investment bank] Healthcare team and look forward to touching base with each of you in the coming days.

Was not an easy decision to make the jump from [other redacted investment bank] to [aforementioned redacted investment bank] as both banks have a stellar name/ reputation and both consistently rank among the elite of Wall Street in terms of fees and fighting for the largest deals (see attached article). Despite making this move (that some may criticize as a step down), I’m thrilled to be joining the team – I even updated my LinkedIn account a month ago in anticipation.

To that end, just want to lay a couple ground rules before I begin so we all good off on the right foot (Associates and VP’s, this is mainly for you):

1. Happy to pull long hours and all, but will have a hard stop at 10:30PM, Monday – Thursday, and 6:00PM Fridays

2. In my contract with HR, negotiated the ability to opt out of any [redacted MD] books – sorry, no exceptions

3. Finally, I have a unique last name. Get over it. No jokes / snarky remarks / persiflaging / banter will be tolerated

Other than that, look forward to building a personal connection with all of you. Not totally convinced my cube location was the best choice given I’m situated next to [redacted co-worker] / [other redacted co-worker], but I’m not one to let my situation get the best of me.

Thanks,
[redacted]

19 comments
(hidden for your protection)
Show all comments

19 Responses to “New Investment Banking Hire (‘s Colleagues) Want To Get A Few Things Straight”

  1. WordsWithFriends says:

    "Persiflaging" is a great word if played in the right spot.

  2. Guest says:

    Come on. There's no way that can be real. Can it?

    • guest says:

      I've been fwded it twice already…definitely real but very possibly a case of "make sure to lock your computer before you step away or your colleagues will send out emails like this."

  3. Guest says:

    Another analyst in his group wrote the email while he was away from his computer

  4. Guest says:

    So clearly a prank

    • Hot Shots Part treux says:

      God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.

  5. Guest says:

    Yeah I heard that it was fake as well. I have friends who work in his group and they confirmed.

  6. Guest says:

    And reason number 1,933 to lock your computer when you go away to lunch.

    • Gary says:

      Lock your drawers too because I will take any opportunity to drop serious cable in there.

  7. Picasso Elbo Drop says:

    Sounds like the work of our favorite jokester, Plopper Stansberry.

  8. guest says:

    "may result in your colleagues having their way with your business."

    go on.

    – j gunds

  9. Steven Q. Dickface says:

    Again, please leave my family name alone

  10. Niles Standish says:

    Oh these crazy investment bankers and their merry banter and pranks!!! Hilarious. I once stuffed my colleagues locker at Maidstone full of packing pretzels, we all had a good laugh over our snifters of Louis Tres. Fucking nerds

  11. He Who Wonders says:

    Did the subject email have anything to do with the last comment in yesterday's Dealbreaker Opening Bell for 5-7-14?