Update: While the below is in fact “real” (as in it was an email sent out to people), it appears as though it was a prank on behalf of redacted’s co-workers. Let is now serve as an important cautionary tale: failing to lock up your computer upon stepping away for even mere moments may result in your handsy colleagues having their way with your business.
____________________________________________________

From: [redacted]
Sent: Wednesday, May 07, 2014 2:30 PM

All,

I’m excited for this opportunity to join the [redacted investment bank] Healthcare team and look forward to touching base with each of you in the coming days.

Was not an easy decision to make the jump from [other redacted investment bank] to [aforementioned redacted investment bank] as both banks have a stellar name/ reputation and both consistently rank among the elite of Wall Street in terms of fees and fighting for the largest deals (see attached article). Despite making this move (that some may criticize as a step down), I’m thrilled to be joining the team – I even updated my LinkedIn account a month ago in anticipation.

To that end, just want to lay a couple ground rules before I begin so we all good off on the right foot (Associates and VP’s, this is mainly for you):

1. Happy to pull long hours and all, but will have a hard stop at 10:30PM, Monday – Thursday, and 6:00PM Fridays

2. In my contract with HR, negotiated the ability to opt out of any [redacted MD] books – sorry, no exceptions

3. Finally, I have a unique last name. Get over it. No jokes / snarky remarks / persiflaging / banter will be tolerated

Other than that, look forward to building a personal connection with all of you. Not totally convinced my cube location was the best choice given I’m situated next to [redacted co-worker] / [other redacted co-worker], but I’m not one to let my situation get the best of me.

Thanks,
[redacted]

19 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (19)

  1. Posted by WordsWithFriends | May 8, 2014 at 9:55 AM

    "Persiflaging" is a great word if played in the right spot.

  2. Posted by Guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:01 AM

    Come on. There's no way that can be real. Can it?

  3. Posted by Guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:03 AM

    Another analyst in his group wrote the email while he was away from his computer

  4. Posted by Guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:08 AM

    So clearly a prank

  5. Posted by Guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:11 AM

    Yeah I heard that it was fake as well. I have friends who work in his group and they confirmed.

  6. Posted by Guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:17 AM

    And reason number 1,933 to lock your computer when you go away to lunch.

  7. Posted by Gary | May 8, 2014 at 10:20 AM

    Lock your drawers too because I will take any opportunity to drop serious cable in there.

  8. Posted by guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:43 AM

    I've been fwded it twice already…definitely real but very possibly a case of "make sure to lock your computer before you step away or your colleagues will send out emails like this."

  9. Posted by Picasso Elbo Drop | May 8, 2014 at 10:47 AM

    Sounds like the work of our favorite jokester, Plopper Stansberry.

  10. Posted by guest | May 8, 2014 at 10:53 AM

    "may result in your colleagues having their way with your business."

    go on.

    – j gunds

  11. Posted by Steven Q. Dickface | May 8, 2014 at 11:15 AM

    Again, please leave my family name alone

  12. Posted by Niles Standish | May 8, 2014 at 11:18 AM

    Oh these crazy investment bankers and their merry banter and pranks!!! Hilarious. I once stuffed my colleagues locker at Maidstone full of packing pretzels, we all had a good laugh over our snifters of Louis Tres. Fucking nerds

  13. Posted by guest | May 8, 2014 at 11:43 AM

    tough but fair

  14. Posted by He Who Wonders | May 8, 2014 at 1:37 PM

    Did the subject email have anything to do with the last comment in yesterday's Dealbreaker Opening Bell for 5-7-14?

  15. Posted by Xenomorph | May 8, 2014 at 1:55 PM

    You don't say?

    Get back to work.

    – Your MD

  16. Posted by FrostyDingleBerries | May 8, 2014 at 4:56 PM

    Ya heard? From a high level analyst? Is this the Chazzmeista?

  17. Posted by Hot Shots Part treux | May 9, 2014 at 9:20 AM

    God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160. You are goddamn gifted, Private Gump.

  18. Posted by Joe Momma | May 9, 2014 at 9:21 AM

    I want to like you, but think harder, mmmkay pumpkin?

  19. Posted by Dali | May 9, 2014 at 9:28 AM

    Let's not get ahead of ourselves