Opening Bell: 05.15.14

Nervous Investors Pile Into Bonds (WSJ)
Global bond rates dropped to their lowest levels of the year Wednesday, as central bankers signaled their determination to jolt the world’s largest economies out of their malaise. Investors piled into U.S., German and British government bonds—used to price everything from mortgages to car loans—driving down their yields. The yield on the 10-year U.S. Treasury dropped to as low as 2.523%, its lowest level in more than six months. In Germany, 10-year bund yields fell to their lowest point in a year.

Porsche, Lamborghini, Bentley Bonds Have Investors Hitting the Gas (WSJ)
The worlds of high finance and high-end cars intersected Wednesday, as investors grabbed bonds backed by loans to buyers of Lamborghinis and Bentleys. Investors bought $488.3 million of the bonds sold by Porsche Financial Services GmbH, a unit of sports-car maker Porsche AG. The firm for the first time expanded its bond issuances to include loans tied to the two exotic car makers, in addition to its Porsche models. The market for bonds supported by all types of car loans is accelerating, with sales of $39 billion worth of securities this year, according to J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. Issuance is on pace to exceed last year’s $78.9 billion.

David Tepper on the market: ‘I think it’s nervous time’ (CNBC)
“I’m not saying go short, I’m just saying don’t be too fricking long right now,” the head of Appaloosa Management told a few thousand of his colleagues Wednesday at SkyBridge Capital’s SALT 2014 conference in Las Vegas.

Lunch with Ben Bernanke goes for $70K (TFT)
An anonymous bidder will pay $70,500 for lunch with Ben Bernanke, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve. Bernanke will choose the restaurant, according to the auction listing. The final bid to break bread with Bernanke topped an auction for a lunch for two in New York City with former Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, author of the new memoir Stress Test: Reflections on Financial Crisis. The Geithner auction drew a winning bid of $50,000.

Mozzarella arrests made after counterfeit cheese found in Italy (LA Times)
TThe discovery of alleged counterfeit buffalo mozzarella cheese at a factory in Italy has led to the arrests of 13 people, including two public health service veterinarians who allegedly warned the factory of future inspections, reported the Associated Press…The buffalo mozzarella at the factory, near Caserta in the Campania region of southern Italy, is traditionally made with local buffalo milk. Police concluded the buffalo milk was actually being cut with cheaper cow milk. Buffalo mozzarella made in Italy is certified by the European Union with a Denominazione d’Origine Protetta, or DOP seal. The cheese is most commonly used to make Caprese salad (tomato, cheese and basil) in Italy. Seven stores selling cheese from the factory were shut down Monday.

How Citi Stumbled In Mexico (WSJ)
Thick stacks of invoices were supposed to reassure Banamex that Oceanografía had plenty of money coming in. But when the Banamex executives traveled to Pemex’s headquarters in Mexico City, they learned that many of the 217 pieces of paper they had lugged to the meeting in boxes were apparent forgeries with fake signatures, according to the person who attended the meeting. The invoices “looked like they had been done on Microsoft Word,” the person said.

France Boosts Power to Block Foreign Takeovers of Strategic Firms (WSJ)
French Prime Minister Manuel Valls has signed a decree giving him extended authority to block foreign takeovers of companies deemed strategic, a move that could strengthen the government’s hand in the battle for Alstom SA’s energy assets, sought by General Electric Co. In a two-page decree published in France’s Official Journal on Thursday, Mr. Valls said he aimed to better protect the country’s security interests by enlarging the scope of sectors in which foreign investors must seek prior government approval to buy French businesses.

Domino’s CEO on chain’s image, Italy prospects (AP)
Despite the skepticism Domino’s might initially encounter, CEO Patrick Doyle says that the chain’s delivery model may give it an advantage in Italy. “There’s a lot of pizza, but there’s not a lot of delivered pizza,” Doyle explained. “So there may still be an opportunity.”

Stiviano ‘was an animal’ in bed says Sterling (NYP)
The 81-year-old Sterling said that his much-younger ex-gal pal, V. Stiviano, “was an animal” in the sack and that “everybody in the world wants to f- -k her,” The Daily Mail reported Wednesday. “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her. Listen, I’m telling you she was hot. It took me maybe an hour to get there but it was hot,” he said during a 90-minute conversation with a pal named “Maserati,” who arranged hookups with escorts in Vegas for the embattled billionaire…Sterling also says he’ll take his fight with the NBA to the Supreme Court, disses President Obama for weighing in on the scandal and can’t recall the Holocaust — even though he’s Jewish…“She said blacks are treated in California like the, um, where all the Jews were killed, you know what I mean? Where was that? The, um, you know,” he stumbled before recalling the word.

42 comments (hidden to protect delicate sensibilities)
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Comments (42)

  1. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 7:28 AM

    Buffalo Mozzarella is a friend of mine.

  2. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 7:29 AM

    Manuel Valls never surrenders!

  3. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 7:43 AM

    Third, bitchez!

  4. Posted by UBS Semantics Quant | May 15, 2014 at 8:44 AM

    There's a special place in Hell for copyeditors who use stupid automotive puns in headlines.

  5. Posted by A. Baldwin | May 15, 2014 at 8:47 AM

    Congratulations. You win third prize.

  6. Posted by KingCo | May 15, 2014 at 8:52 AM

    “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her."

    The fact that he uses the phrase "make it" means he hasn't "made it" since about 1983.

  7. Posted by guest | May 15, 2014 at 8:58 AM

    Donald Sterling and Bill Gross should be friends

  8. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 9:13 AM

    I am unemployed and posting from my mom's basement. So the joke is on you!

  9. Posted by Shaz's beard | May 15, 2014 at 9:25 AM

    “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her."

    -Jon Shazar, every Saturday night

  10. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 10:02 AM

    "Even if you say things against Jews or Koreans … can you take away his living? My living?… for what? For trying to get a girl hot and make it with her?"

    Weird, racist ramblings = panty dropper? What am I missing?

  11. Posted by Gunderson | May 15, 2014 at 10:06 AM

    I'd love to give Bernanke a nice hot private lunch.

  12. Posted by Sterling | May 15, 2014 at 10:07 AM

    This chick likes sex so much, it's almost as if she was a duude.

  13. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 10:08 AM

    AIDS gives you fever, fever makes you hot?

  14. Posted by Ramone | May 15, 2014 at 10:21 AM

    Needs moar cow bell.

  15. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 10:58 AM

    For some reason those mozzarella balls are keeping me long and hard.

  16. Posted by Waiting | May 15, 2014 at 11:08 AM

    Where is the Joke Briefer? There are probably 30 quality jokes to be referenced re Sterling's comments.

  17. Posted by Tonee Soprano | May 15, 2014 at 11:13 AM

    Let's trade these bonds for mozzarella.

  18. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 11:13 AM

    Go on.

    – Jeff G

  19. Posted by Bear alumn | May 15, 2014 at 11:17 AM

    So loans will be backed by people who finance high end autos? Because we know that people who finance Lamborghinis are financially savvy. Sounds like a great idea.

  20. Posted by UFOinsider | May 15, 2014 at 11:22 AM

    In Soviet Russia, you are on joke!

  21. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 11:24 AM

    Go on.

    -Chaz G.

  22. Posted by UFOinsider | May 15, 2014 at 11:27 AM

    For added effect, read this running gag in George Takei's "OH MYYYY" voice in your mind. There's an additional double pun somewhere in there, but I'm not in a perverted state of mind so I'll quit while I'm ahead. <—-triple pun opening <——fourth opportunity

    – guy who likes multiple layers of stuff, especially levity <—–fifth opening

  23. Posted by Mamma Mia | May 15, 2014 at 11:29 AM

    There's a lot of pizza, but not delivered pizza. Ummm, yea, because we're social people who don't eat in front of our TV and we can't crank out good pizzas every 2 minutes. We'll be just fine, thanks.

  24. Posted by Turnip Truck | May 15, 2014 at 11:32 AM

    Early-stage senility = not keeping an eye on the checkbook?

  25. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 11:55 AM

    "She said blacks are treated in California like the, um, where all the Jews were killed, you know what I mean? Where was that?"

    Darien, CT?

  26. Posted by Xenomorph | May 15, 2014 at 12:24 PM

    ….and it took an hour? Old man with sexuality of a woman? This just gets weirder and weirder.

    Someone punch me in the face if I ever walk down that road

  27. Posted by Xenomorph | May 15, 2014 at 12:27 PM

    Grandpa, where's that $50,000 you owe me? I liked lending it to you to help out, but I need to pay for, erm, college. You remember me :) you know, your grandson :) yes just sign right here :)

    – conniving bastard

  28. Posted by I'mAsharkFuckYouuuuu | May 15, 2014 at 12:33 PM

    I'd whine about anti-semitism but that's goldern clever

    – guy who realizes that Jews are just one of many types of semite

  29. Posted by Macquarie Guy | May 15, 2014 at 1:09 PM

    I thought the image above was initially of three pyle brists. Took my brine a minute to figger it out.

  30. Posted by Sans-a-belt Trader | May 15, 2014 at 1:14 PM

    I think I may have discovered Geezer Oil Trader's employer. Apparently one firm is know for geezer yen traders so there may be a you-know-who at the same place.

    See page 8 of this: http://www.cftc.gov/ucm/groups/public/@lrenforcem

  31. Posted by Guest | May 15, 2014 at 1:25 PM

    If a silly headline gets you that revved up, remind me to steer clear of you. You're on the road to a nervous breakdown, and I won't go along for the ride.

  32. Posted by guest | May 15, 2014 at 1:36 PM

    there is something mildly arousing about the pic.

  33. Posted by I'mAsharkFuckYouuuuu | May 15, 2014 at 1:38 PM

    It's fucking cheese on bread, get over yourselves already. And FYI our mafia is wayyyyy more hardcore and you don't see us referencing it every five fucking minutes. Jeez, no one fucking cares.

    -Russian guy who's sick to death of lame italian swagger

  34. Posted by Marbles | May 15, 2014 at 1:43 PM

    Minetta's calls that dish the Ralph Macchio

  35. Posted by Dough boy | May 15, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    Now if you could only find a bid for your position.

  36. Posted by Curious Eu official | May 15, 2014 at 2:03 PM

    So when it comes to cheese regulation, quick and effective. Everything else? I ah talk ah to you tomorrah

  37. Posted by Mamma Mia | May 15, 2014 at 2:08 PM

    Our girls are nicer AND hotter. F-E-R-R-A-R-I

  38. Posted by M. Broderick | May 15, 2014 at 3:10 PM

    She's an animal in bed, huh? Literally or figuratively?

  39. Posted by Bill is Gross | May 15, 2014 at 3:53 PM

    I thought we already are. First Mr. M gives me the cold shoulder, now you Donny?

    No love?

  40. Posted by Joe Momma | May 15, 2014 at 3:56 PM

    Nation full of mamma's boys who live at home until they're 40 and drive Fiats. Realistically, we're driving more hot cars than Italians. And hotter women…..depends on whether you prefer educated blondes or insane/angry housewife brunettes.

    – Not Russian dude who felt like piling on and fueling the feud.

  41. Posted by Chuckling Chinese | May 15, 2014 at 3:58 PM

    Velly funny. Someone get this man a cigar. …and an oat bag for the missus

  42. Posted by Bacon | May 15, 2014 at 5:09 PM

    Moo