Opening Bell

Opening Bell: 05.15.14

Nervous Investors Pile Into Bonds (WSJ)
Global bond rates dropped to their lowest levels of the year Wednesday, as central bankers signaled their determination to jolt the world’s largest economies out of their malaise. Investors piled into U.S., German and British government bonds—used to price everything from mortgages to car loans—driving down their yields. The yield on the 10-year U.S. Treasury dropped to as low as 2.523%, its lowest level in more than six months. In Germany, 10-year bund yields fell to their lowest point in a year.

Porsche, Lamborghini, Bentley Bonds Have Investors Hitting the Gas (WSJ)
The worlds of high finance and high-end cars intersected Wednesday, as investors grabbed bonds backed by loans to buyers of Lamborghinis and Bentleys. Investors bought $488.3 million of the bonds sold by Porsche Financial Services GmbH, a unit of sports-car maker Porsche AG. The firm for the first time expanded its bond issuances to include loans tied to the two exotic car makers, in addition to its Porsche models. The market for bonds supported by all types of car loans is accelerating, with sales of $39 billion worth of securities this year, according to J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. Issuance is on pace to exceed last year’s $78.9 billion.

David Tepper on the market: ‘I think it’s nervous time’ (CNBC)
“I’m not saying go short, I’m just saying don’t be too fricking long right now,” the head of Appaloosa Management told a few thousand of his colleagues Wednesday at SkyBridge Capital’s SALT 2014 conference in Las Vegas.

Lunch with Ben Bernanke goes for $70K (TFT)
An anonymous bidder will pay $70,500 for lunch with Ben Bernanke, the former chairman of the Federal Reserve. Bernanke will choose the restaurant, according to the auction listing. The final bid to break bread with Bernanke topped an auction for a lunch for two in New York City with former Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, author of the new memoir Stress Test: Reflections on Financial Crisis. The Geithner auction drew a winning bid of $50,000.

Mozzarella arrests made after counterfeit cheese found in Italy (LA Times)
TThe discovery of alleged counterfeit buffalo mozzarella cheese at a factory in Italy has led to the arrests of 13 people, including two public health service veterinarians who allegedly warned the factory of future inspections, reported the Associated Press…The buffalo mozzarella at the factory, near Caserta in the Campania region of southern Italy, is traditionally made with local buffalo milk. Police concluded the buffalo milk was actually being cut with cheaper cow milk. Buffalo mozzarella made in Italy is certified by the European Union with a Denominazione d’Origine Protetta, or DOP seal. The cheese is most commonly used to make Caprese salad (tomato, cheese and basil) in Italy. Seven stores selling cheese from the factory were shut down Monday.

How Citi Stumbled In Mexico (WSJ)
Thick stacks of invoices were supposed to reassure Banamex that Oceanografía had plenty of money coming in. But when the Banamex executives traveled to Pemex’s headquarters in Mexico City, they learned that many of the 217 pieces of paper they had lugged to the meeting in boxes were apparent forgeries with fake signatures, according to the person who attended the meeting. The invoices “looked like they had been done on Microsoft Word,” the person said.

France Boosts Power to Block Foreign Takeovers of Strategic Firms (WSJ)
French Prime Minister Manuel Valls has signed a decree giving him extended authority to block foreign takeovers of companies deemed strategic, a move that could strengthen the government’s hand in the battle for Alstom SA’s energy assets, sought by General Electric Co. In a two-page decree published in France’s Official Journal on Thursday, Mr. Valls said he aimed to better protect the country’s security interests by enlarging the scope of sectors in which foreign investors must seek prior government approval to buy French businesses.

Domino’s CEO on chain’s image, Italy prospects (AP)
Despite the skepticism Domino’s might initially encounter, CEO Patrick Doyle says that the chain’s delivery model may give it an advantage in Italy. “There’s a lot of pizza, but there’s not a lot of delivered pizza,” Doyle explained. “So there may still be an opportunity.”

Stiviano ‘was an animal’ in bed says Sterling (NYP)
The 81-year-old Sterling said that his much-younger ex-gal pal, V. Stiviano, “was an animal” in the sack and that “everybody in the world wants to f- -k her,” The Daily Mail reported Wednesday. “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her. Listen, I’m telling you she was hot. It took me maybe an hour to get there but it was hot,” he said during a 90-minute conversation with a pal named “Maserati,” who arranged hookups with escorts in Vegas for the embattled billionaire…Sterling also says he’ll take his fight with the NBA to the Supreme Court, disses President Obama for weighing in on the scandal and can’t recall the Holocaust — even though he’s Jewish…“She said blacks are treated in California like the, um, where all the Jews were killed, you know what I mean? Where was that? The, um, you know,” he stumbled before recalling the word.

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42 Responses to “Opening Bell: 05.15.14”

  1. Guest says:

    Buffalo Mozzarella is a friend of mine.

  2. Guest says:

    Manuel Valls never surrenders!

  3. Guest says:

    Third, bitchez!

  4. UBS Semantics Quant says:

    There's a special place in Hell for copyeditors who use stupid automotive puns in headlines.

    • Guest says:

      If a silly headline gets you that revved up, remind me to steer clear of you. You're on the road to a nervous breakdown, and I won't go along for the ride.

  5. KingCo says:

    “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her."

    The fact that he uses the phrase "make it" means he hasn't "made it" since about 1983.

    • Xenomorph says:

      ….and it took an hour? Old man with sexuality of a woman? This just gets weirder and weirder.

      Someone punch me in the face if I ever walk down that road

  6. guest says:

    Donald Sterling and Bill Gross should be friends

    • Bill is Gross says:

      I thought we already are. First Mr. M gives me the cold shoulder, now you Donny?

      No love?

  7. Shaz's beard says:

    “I’m paying a very high price for trying to get a girl hot and make it with her."

    -Jon Shazar, every Saturday night

  8. Guest says:

    "Even if you say things against Jews or Koreans … can you take away his living? My living?… for what? For trying to get a girl hot and make it with her?"

    Weird, racist ramblings = panty dropper? What am I missing?

    • Turnip Truck says:

      Early-stage senility = not keeping an eye on the checkbook?

      • Xenomorph says:

        Grandpa, where's that $50,000 you owe me? I liked lending it to you to help out, but I need to pay for, erm, college. You remember me :) you know, your grandson :) yes just sign right here :)

        – conniving bastard

  9. Gunderson says:

    I'd love to give Bernanke a nice hot private lunch.

    • Guest says:

      Go on.

      – Jeff G

      • UFOinsider says:

        For added effect, read this running gag in George Takei's "OH MYYYY" voice in your mind. There's an additional double pun somewhere in there, but I'm not in a perverted state of mind so I'll quit while I'm ahead. <—-triple pun opening <——fourth opportunity

        – guy who likes multiple layers of stuff, especially levity <—–fifth opening

  10. Sterling says:

    This chick likes sex so much, it's almost as if she was a duude.

  11. Guest says:

    AIDS gives you fever, fever makes you hot?

  12. Guest says:

    For some reason those mozzarella balls are keeping me long and hard.

  13. Waiting says:

    Where is the Joke Briefer? There are probably 30 quality jokes to be referenced re Sterling's comments.

  14. Tonee Soprano says:

    Let's trade these bonds for mozzarella.

  15. Bear alumn says:

    So loans will be backed by people who finance high end autos? Because we know that people who finance Lamborghinis are financially savvy. Sounds like a great idea.

  16. Mamma Mia says:

    There's a lot of pizza, but not delivered pizza. Ummm, yea, because we're social people who don't eat in front of our TV and we can't crank out good pizzas every 2 minutes. We'll be just fine, thanks.

    • I'mAsharkFuckYouuuuu says:

      It's fucking cheese on bread, get over yourselves already. And FYI our mafia is wayyyyy more hardcore and you don't see us referencing it every five fucking minutes. Jeez, no one fucking cares.

      -Russian guy who's sick to death of lame italian swagger

      • Mamma Mia says:

        Our girls are nicer AND hotter. F-E-R-R-A-R-I

        • Joe Momma says:

          Nation full of mamma's boys who live at home until they're 40 and drive Fiats. Realistically, we're driving more hot cars than Italians. And hotter women…..depends on whether you prefer educated blondes or insane/angry housewife brunettes.

          – Not Russian dude who felt like piling on and fueling the feud.

  17. Guest says:

    "She said blacks are treated in California like the, um, where all the Jews were killed, you know what I mean? Where was that?"

    Darien, CT?

    • I'mAsharkFuckYouuuuu says:

      I'd whine about anti-semitism but that's goldern clever

      – guy who realizes that Jews are just one of many types of semite

  18. Macquarie Guy says:

    I thought the image above was initially of three pyle brists. Took my brine a minute to figger it out.

  19. Sans-a-belt Trader says:

    I think I may have discovered Geezer Oil Trader's employer. Apparently one firm is know for geezer yen traders so there may be a you-know-who at the same place.

    See page 8 of this:

  20. Marbles says:

    Minetta's calls that dish the Ralph Macchio

  21. Curious Eu official says:

    So when it comes to cheese regulation, quick and effective. Everything else? I ah talk ah to you tomorrah

  22. M. Broderick says:

    She's an animal in bed, huh? Literally or figuratively?

    • Chuckling Chinese says:

      Velly funny. Someone get this man a cigar. …and an oat bag for the missus