Would You Rather: Humiliating, Potentially Fatal Tasks For Your Hedge Fund Boss Edition

As many of you are all too aware, hedge fund managers are not known for being particularly warm and cuddling with their employees. They may very well be kind, reasonable people outside the office, but within the confines of the trading floor, it is of little import to them if they come off like people on the Humane Society’s most-wanted list (and some see such distinctions as a badge of pride).

A standard question posed at portfolio managers who can’t answer Steve Cohen fast enough about a stock is, “Do you even know how to do this f*cking job?“. Ray Dalio refers to employees who don’t tell their colleagues “you suck” to their face as “slimy weasels.” In an article about how he rips traders to shreds for not being up on an extremely minor detail of an investment, it’s pointed out Paul “Second Coming of Mother Theresa” Singer “doesn’t throw things.” Louis Bacon takes the other side of subordinates’ trades.

Still, we were yet to hear of a firm where the boss has asked people 1) if they’re willing to die for him and 2) if someone would find a storage facility for his dog’s semen. Until now.

…thanks to a delightful open thread going on over at the Guardian,” which asks “What’s the strangest thing your boss has asked you to do?

While this doesn’t sound like it was an either/or situation, feel free to weigh in, were you made such an offer.

Open thread: what’s the strangest thing your boss has asked you to do? [Guardian via Heidi Moore]
Paul Singer Will Make Argentina Pay [BusinessWeek]

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16 Responses to “Would You Rather: Humiliating, Potentially Fatal Tasks For Your Hedge Fund Boss Edition”

  1. guest says:

    I think you know my answer to this.

    – d kneale

  2. FML says:

    I once offered to take responsibility for my boss love child when hi s wife started asking questions. I also had to walk around asking my friends if it was ok if Destiny joined us when we went out. He fucked me at bonus time and the kid wound up fatherless.

  3. James Cramer says:

    They're still after me

  4. Guest says:

    semen needs a warm, moist place. wouldn't the female assistants be a better place to store it?

  5. Bubbles Levin says:

    Still, we were yet to hear of firm where the boss…[tosses back twelfth Vodka Gimlet then chases it with a flute of champagne]

  6. KennyPowersCFA says:

    Feels like we left some opportunities on the table here, mouseover-wise.

  7. Sr Juggalo Quant says:

    My old boss was crazy. he had some pickled fish in his office that was worth like 100MM bucks. He used to dance around it in his office naked then do the tuck like Buffalo Bill. He made me promise not to tell anyone and if i agreed he would put me on the desk trading healthcare stocks where we had a "superior advantage". He also used to make me do drugs at parties and describe their effects. Fuckin psycho

  8. Patriarch Assoc says:

    My boss has said all of these things to me in the same sentence, while I fucked her.

  9. InfiniteGuest says:

    Does David Einhorn own a dog?

  10. Guesteban says:

    I'd take the bullet. Life insurance pays off triple if you die for your boss.

    — T. Durden

  11. Shecky Fingers says:

    I had a boss who wanted me to give her a manicure. I nailed it.

  12. pokey gasbagarino says:

    That Puppy looks delicious

  13. AQR Sucks says: