Does he wear color contacts or are Stevie Cohen's eyes really that blue? (And check out all that chest hair! Kind of ironic, isn't it?)

Hedge funds heavily invested in subprime assets are like the Titanic – both are sinking and only a few wealthy people got out in time. Get it? Do you GET IT? Hmmm…crickets. Tough crowd. That killed at the Apollo we swear.

How about this – there is a new quant trading method known as a… dartboard (ba dum bum)! Get it? Because quant trading methods are based on incredibly complex mathematical models used to pinpoint pricing inefficiencies. Throwing darts is random. I know you’re there because I can hear you leaving.

The Financial Times provides the aforementioned gut-busters, and reports that finance professionals have a sense of humor, even in a bear market. Sure, some traders are really weeping (the article actually says this), but others are telling jokes, trying to keep morale high as they contend with the possibility of getting a bonus in the low six or seven figures.

These subversive Lenny Bruce types are keeping laughter alive in the face of such national tragedy. While millionaires struggle to feed their kids' exotic pets and mistresses, the nation stays strong. Aside from floor stand-up, some are taking to the internets. We're sure many of you have seen the COLOSTOMYBAG subprime hedge fund parody.

Seeing a huge rift in joke liquidity, the Fed injected some humor into the system to provide relief and let bankers know that they can borrow jokes at discount rates.

In a call with several prominent bankers including the CEOs of Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch, Bernanke provided the showstopper - Why are some hedge fund managers going to Yellowstone Park on holiday when you can see more bears in the city?

Please tell some better jokes in the comments below.

Market bears invest in some grizzly humour [Financial Times]

This is a list of people who we respectfully submit are liars: CNBC’s David Faber, Thestreet.com’s Nat Worden, and Reuters. We believe these entities to be capital 'L' small 'i' small 'a' small 'r's because among them they share the distinction of having reported or re-reported this morning that there will be an official announcement of News Corp.’s Dow Jones victory tonight. Nothing personal, it’s just that we no longer believe the words coming out of the mouths of people who say anything—outright, implying, leading, lip synching—that even hints that this whole thing will be conclusively finished before hell freezes over. We WANT to believe them, we just can't. Know anyone you’d like to add to our list? Send his/her name to tips at dealbreaker dot com.

In other news, MySpace co-founder Brad Greenspan sent an open letter to Dow Jones shareholders detailing a new proposal (he’s done this before, several times) in which he would invest $600 million in cash and stock in three joint ventures with DJ. Greenspan says he’s received “interest” from five “credible” investor groups, though he would not disclose their names, and their profiles are set to private. Brad informed shareholders that he and his investors “can meet this week” in order to “firm investment commitments,” but starting next week things are going to be really tight for him, so if Dow Jones could really get back to him A-sap to nail something down that would be solid, just name the time and place, but seriously, get back to him soon, otherwise, who knows, he could be busy.

Dow Jones to Agree To Takeover by News Corp. [CNBC]
Dow Jones Deal Gets Closer [WSJ]
Dow Jones Soars As Deal Appears Near [thestreet.com]
News Corp., Dow Jones deal expected Tues [Reuters]
MySpace Co-Founder Makes Another Dow Jones Proposal [Bloomberg]