Relax. Steve Jobs is not dead even though you might have read his obituary yesterday on Bloomberg. The financial news service was updating its obituary on Jobs and accidentally published it on its wires.
“It was momentarily posted on the external wire, in error, and immediately deleted (within thirty seconds),” a spokeswoman for Bloomberg told DealBreaker.
It’s not likely many were fooled into thinking the head of Apple was dead. It was full of blank spaces marked “TK” and “XXXX.” The obituary contains notes on who to contact for comments on the death of Jobs. Named are Steve Wozniak, Larry Ellison, Al Gore, Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt, among others. So now Jobs knows who he should suck up to if he wants them to say nice things about him when he’s dead.
The subheads tell you most of what you need to know. The first is appealingly morbid: “Time Is Limited.” The rest read: “Change the World” “Mac” “Reality Distortion Field” “Sugared Water” “`Toy Story’ Success” “Back to Apple” “We’re Back” “Backdated Options” “Common Bug” “Great Work.” Gotta love that sequence of back, back, backdaing, bug, RIP. (Gawker posted the whole thing here.)
Just in case this happens again, we suggest you check here for updates on the vitality of Jobs before trading.
The story also contains a canned explanation of the likely drop in Apple’s stock. After the jump, read why the stock drop “is no surprise to investors and analysts.”
Apple
Time Warner Inc.’s HBO cable network is thisclose to reaching a deal to have its programming delivered through Apple’s iTunes. Portfolio broke the story this morning, noting that when the deal is announced it will be the first time Apple agreed to a different price structure for a content provider.
The details are still vague, but HBO apparently got a better deal than other content providers. “One possibility is that HBO programming will have a higher retail price than the flat $1.99 fee Apple currently charges for video content; another is that HBO will receive a larger cut of the same flat rate than other iTunes content providers receive,” Portfolio’s Josh Saul writes.
Although both companies are likely to bill the agreement as a victory—Apple gets more content and HBO more distribution—the deal could inspire other content providers to seek better deals from Apple. Many of those who have struck deals with Apple are reportedly dissatisfied, arguing they should be getting better economics from Apple, which makes money both on the distribution of content through iTunes as well as the sale of iPods and iPhones.
HBO In Your Pocket [Portfolio.com]
The only excuse we have to offer re: just now mentioning what happened on Fox Business Friday morning is that we don’t watch Fox Business. Sure, we’ve checked out a few choice clips (50 Cent, Sammy Hagar, Lamb Chop and Jerry Springer all come to mind) but only because they were forwarded to us in convenient link form. The bottom line is that there are three TVs in the office and each one is spoken for (TV1: CNBC; TV2: Nintendo (and the answer to all your, “Why haven’t you guys posted anything?” comments); TV3: A Best of Carney clipshow that was spliced together in-house and plays on loop). We don’t TiVo FB because it’s the sort of thing that has to be experienced in real-time.
Which brings us to this: unless something really drastic happens, like Maria Bartiromo announces that Cutter Associates is buying half of Bear Stearns, or Kudlow and Company is replaced by Paulie Shore and My Biatches, or Charlie Gasparino finally cops to being a drug mule, or Joe Kernen discusses Aquaman, the fictional movie from Entourage as though it were real, CNBC is getting bumped. No longer can we afford to miss Fox Business Morning for Breakfast reporting that Apple is taking an 8 percent stake in chipmaker AMD, contributor Charles Payne analyzing the genius (/imaginary) deal, and Glick correcting the misinformation by noting that “It’s not Apple, it’s Apple Dubai? Apple Dubai? Oh, Abu Dubai.” Yes, yes, Abu Dubai, AKA Abu Dhabi. The best part is Peter Barnes’s magical recovery which, paraphrasing, went sort of like this: “Ohhh, okay, okay, Abu Dubai, which was discovered and named by the Germans in 1904, and of course in German means a whale’s vagina.” Your move, CNBC. Transcript (via SAI) and video (via Valleywag) after the jump.
Apple issued a stern warning yesterday to cult members that they may “permanently damage” their cell phone/iPod combos by using “unlocking programs” in an effort to get the Cadillac of mobiles to work on unauthorized, non-AT&T networks. Speaking in hushed tones the company was vague in describing the actual technical problems, only saying that fraternization with the evil programs (that might jeopardize their licensing agreement with AT&T) would render the phone “permanently inoperable” when users install future software updates. Any issues that arise from the installation of forbidden software are not covered in the warranty.
In a recent interview, Mock Turtleneck cackled at the idea of being threatened by such programs. “It’s a cat-and-mouse game,” the High Priest of A said. “We have a lot of really good cats.”
Apple Sounds Warning on iPhones [WSJ]
Steve Jobs has been subpoenaed by the SEC to be deposed in a backdating case against Apple’s former general counsel, Nancy Heinen. Though the news sent shares of the fruit down 1 percent, with a $140.31 close (-0.33%), investors should rest assured that while Heinen may fry, this doesn’t mean jack for the company or Steve.* Why? Because, in SJ’s words, “Fuck you, that’s why, I’m Steve Jobs. Death to the right click. Buy an iPod. Or don’t. I could really care less either way. It’s your funeral.”
Jobs subpoenaed over Apple stock scandal [The Guardian]
*Who backdating specialist Al Gore cleared of any wrongdoing earlier in the year.
-
Posted in:
Apple
Additional 100 Smackers To Burn Already Huge Hole In Cliff Mason’s Pocket
By Bess LevinOr spend on babes, or light on fire–JUST ‘CAUSE HE CAN.
Breaking: Apple Offering $100 Store Credit For All iPhone Owners [Gizmodo]
The rumors that today Apple would introduce a redesigned iPod featuring no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded did not pan out, and for that Jobs-y Boy is paying dearly. Sure, we got a custom ring-tone maker; slashed prices on the iPhone; a 2.5 inch screen video Nano in red, silver, blue, green and black; a new name for the iPod: iPod Classic; 160 gigs (that’s 40,000 songs, 20 more than there are in existence); a touch screen; Wi-Fi; and Safari / GOOG / YHOO browser (basically: an iPhone without the Phone), but it wasn’t enough–shares are down 3.5%.
Are we asking too much? All the news was good news (except for the price cut on iPhones. That announcement was not good and by not good we mean “bad,” for those of you–Cliff Mason–who spent $599 for your iPhone on June 29 instead of $399 this weekend, and for AAPL investors, despite SJ’s spin of, “it’s so popular we want more people to afford it!” Just like houses. Little subprime humor? That’s okay, I’ll let myself out) but it wasn’t the kind of huge gains/NO RIGHT CLICK BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE news we’ve come to expect from Senor Jobs. He did, however, change the color of his mock, swapping brown for black, and perhaps that’ll be enough to get things up by the end of the day.
Apropos of AAPL, it was also announced today that Apple will have a wireless music deal with Starbucks, which can only mean this thing is about to drop like a bag of dirt.
Apple iPod Special Event: The Live Blog [CNBC]
Apple announces new iPod nano [engadget]
Apple’s new iPod Classic [engagdet]
So tomorrow Apple will hold a special event in San Francisco called “And the Beat Goes On,” presumably to make some sort of an announcement about iPods that could raise shares to the sort of levels that would allow Mock Turtleneck to continue to enjoy the sartorial lifestyle he and his cervical spine have grown accustomed to, for many years to come. The most pervasive rumor-on which shares of AAPL have risen 18.8%-is a new line “with significantly greater functionality at current price points, including the much-anticipated full-screen video iPod,” according to Goldman Sachs analyst David Bailey. And that would be good, considering that in the middle of last year, Apple’s iPod sales dropped for the first time since the slightly more compact Disc Man debuted in 2002, a failure largely blamed on a dearth of new versions.
But what, exactly does Jobs possibly have up his sleeve? There’s talk of the new ‘Pods running on OS X; a Wi-Fi-enabled iPod that would allow for wireless music and video; and the introduction of the Beatles to iTunes. If you work for JP Morgan, you probably also think that a low-cost, Nano-sized iPhone is on the horizon. Then there are the fringe rumors that the new iPod will: feature no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded.
And, of course, the name of the invite-only conference seems to indicate that a reception will follow featuring group sex led by Sonny (surprise! SJ is a necrophiliac) and Cher, while the video for “The Beat Goes On” plays on an 80 GB iPod plugged into speakers nearby. Stay tuned.
Apple’s ‘Beat’ To Go On Tomorrow (Be Here!) [CNBC]
Apple likely to introduce new iPod with large touch screen [Times Online]
Due to “quality issues,” Microsoft won’t release Office 2007 on Macs until 2008, instead of the second half of 2007 as originally promised. By quality issues Microsoft means issues with Mac’s growing market share and continued attempts to try and jumpstart Vista sales. That, or it’s displaced anger over entering the portable music market and still getting teased about the Zune.
Microsoft is also holding out on the eventual price point, saying that the new Mac Office will cost somewhere between a PS3 and something else you don’t want to buy.
What Microsoft doesn’t realize is that it is encouraging users to make the switch to Macs. After all, the Office 2007 suite is a resource hogging, 50% prettier and 50% less functional version of its predecessor. Microsoft prepares you for this frustration right off the bat, putting the new Office in an un-openable package (pictured, and it took the DB offices at least 10 minutes and three steam powered drills to get that thing open). Empowered by the knowledge that business managers can’t upgrade, users know there has never been a better time to switch to a Mac.
Mac version sales make up about a fifth of total Office sales, up from about 4% in 2001.
Microsoft assures us that one visit to the Genius Bar in the Apple store is a quick remedy to a Mac buying impulse (wait, you’re a “genius” because you live in Williamsburg and can’t fix my computer?). Personally, we’re still waiting for Apple to invent the right-click on their mice.
Microsoft Delays Office for Mac Release [amNewYork]
Apple reported a 92 cent/share profit for its fiscal third quarter, easily beating the Street’s forecast of 72. AAPL also surpassed sales expectations of $5.285 billion to hit $5.41 billion. The company earned 54 cents/share and $4.37 billion in revenue in last year’s Q3, so this would be better. Jobs, et. al., shilled 9.815 million iPods (a 21% increase) and 1.764 million computers (a 33% percent increase), but a mere 146,000 iPhones, a number that meant basically nothing for earnings but scared investors into knocking shares of Apple down 6%.
In other AAPL news, Steve Jobs, was profiled this morning in a WSJ article about Mock Turtleneck’s “decades-long campaign against buttons.” This is not a joke. A caption for an accompanying video reads: “A look at Steve Jobs’s history of antibutton ideology.”
Apple Profit Easily Beats Estimates On Mac, iPod Sales [CNBC]
Hide the Button: Steve Jobs Has His Finger on It [WSJ]
Apple Profit May Rise; Analysts See IPhone Slowdown [Bloomberg]
Finally, Apple’s iPhone Lowdown [thestreet.com]
Apple Calls Trade Heavily Ahead of Report [WSJ]
Apple’s earning report won’t be out ‘til Wednesday, but thanks to AT&T’s, we now know the iPhone’s first 30 hours in existence were an iFailure. The wireless carrier reported 146,000 activations during the mobile’s first weekend on sale, meaning the iPod/cell phone combo didn’t come close to Piper Jaffray’s expectation of 500,000. PJ analyst Gene Munster he was “disappointed” by the news, which is so much worse than if he’d said he was mad.
CIBC reported a “significant” decline in babe mags over the last ten days. They also anticipate a new version of the 3G to be released in the US in November, earlier than previously expected. That could mean the people Jobs ‘n Co. are banking on buying a phone today will stop, remember that buying first generation Apple products is more risky than unprotected sex with a Port Authority local, put off their purchases ‘til the new version is released, and stall sales even further.
Shares of Apple are down -2.73% ($3.95). In other news, people buy Apple products at the Apple store.
Apple’s iPhone Falls Well Below Expectations [CNBC]
