• 28 Aug 2008 at 2:51 PM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Is Dead Still Alive

Relax. Steve Jobs is not dead even though you might have read his obituary yesterday on Bloomberg. The financial news service was updating its obituary on Jobs and accidentally published it on its wires.
“It was momentarily posted on the external wire, in error, and immediately deleted (within thirty seconds),” a spokeswoman for Bloomberg told DealBreaker.
It’s not likely many were fooled into thinking the head of Apple was dead. It was full of blank spaces marked “TK” and “XXXX.” The obituary contains notes on who to contact for comments on the death of Jobs. Named are Steve Wozniak, Larry Ellison, Al Gore, Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt, among others. So now Jobs knows who he should suck up to if he wants them to say nice things about him when he’s dead.
The subheads tell you most of what you need to know. The first is appealingly morbid: “Time Is Limited.” The rest read: “Change the World” “Mac” “Reality Distortion Field” “Sugared Water” “`Toy Story’ Success” “Back to Apple” “We’re Back” “Backdated Options” “Common Bug” “Great Work.” Gotta love that sequence of back, back, backdaing, bug, RIP. (Gawker posted the whole thing here.)
Just in case this happens again, we suggest you check here for updates on the vitality of Jobs before trading.
The story also contains a canned explanation of the likely drop in Apple’s stock. After the jump, read why the stock drop “is no surprise to investors and analysts.”

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  • 12 May 2008 at 10:59 AM
  • Apple

HBO Wins Better Deal From Apple

Time Warner Inc.’s HBO cable network is thisclose to reaching a deal to have its programming delivered through Apple’s iTunes. Portfolio broke the story this morning, noting that when the deal is announced it will be the first time Apple agreed to a different price structure for a content provider.
The details are still vague, but HBO apparently got a better deal than other content providers. “One possibility is that HBO programming will have a higher retail price than the flat $1.99 fee Apple currently charges for video content; another is that HBO will receive a larger cut of the same flat rate than other iTunes content providers receive,” Portfolio’s Josh Saul writes.
Although both companies are likely to bill the agreement as a victory—Apple gets more content and HBO more distribution—the deal could inspire other content providers to seek better deals from Apple. Many of those who have struck deals with Apple are reportedly dissatisfied, arguing they should be getting better economics from Apple, which makes money both on the distribution of content through iTunes as well as the sale of iPods and iPhones.
HBO In Your Pocket []

  • 19 Nov 2007 at 11:07 AM
  • Apple

“Oh, the Arabs. Ok.”

alexisglick.bmpThe only excuse we have to offer re: just now mentioning what happened on Fox Business Friday morning is that we don’t watch Fox Business. Sure, we’ve checked out a few choice clips (50 Cent, Sammy Hagar, Lamb Chop and Jerry Springer all come to mind) but only because they were forwarded to us in convenient link form. The bottom line is that there are three TVs in the office and each one is spoken for (TV1: CNBC; TV2: Nintendo (and the answer to all your, “Why haven’t you guys posted anything?” comments); TV3: A Best of Carney clipshow that was spliced together in-house and plays on loop). We don’t TiVo FB because it’s the sort of thing that has to be experienced in real-time.
Which brings us to this: unless something really drastic happens, like Maria Bartiromo announces that Cutter Associates is buying half of Bear Stearns, or Kudlow and Company is replaced by Paulie Shore and My Biatches, or Charlie Gasparino finally cops to being a drug mule, or Joe Kernen discusses Aquaman, the fictional movie from Entourage as though it were real, CNBC is getting bumped. No longer can we afford to miss Fox Business Morning for Breakfast reporting that Apple is taking an 8 percent stake in chipmaker AMD, contributor Charles Payne analyzing the genius (/imaginary) deal, and Glick correcting the misinformation by noting that “It’s not Apple, it’s Apple Dubai? Apple Dubai? Oh, Abu Dubai.” Yes, yes, Abu Dubai, AKA Abu Dhabi. The best part is Peter Barnes’s magical recovery which, paraphrasing, went sort of like this: “Ohhh, okay, okay, Abu Dubai, which was discovered and named by the Germans in 1904, and of course in German means a whale’s vagina.” Your move, CNBC. Transcript (via SAI) and video (via Valleywag) after the jump.

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apple.jpgThe following are the secret weapons a few companies believe will serve them well in their respective battles against the iPod, the iPhone, and iTunes:
Microsoft has revamped the Zune, the train wreck of product that Andrew Ross Sorkin and Soledad O’Brien could barely disguise their (completely warranted) disgust for while promoting last year on CNN. Though in its second go, the Zune is smaller than a boom box, the revamped product offers no “radical” breakthroughs that suggest anyone would choose it over the iPod, unless held at gunpoint. The sharing feature remains useless, because the chances of the two people who own a Zune being in close enough range of one another are extremely slim.
Sony recently came out with a new version its Sony WALKMAN. This one has the ability to play digital video. I’m sorry, were you not listening because you were distracted by the fact that I’d just said “walkman”? Same here.
Amazon launched a “snazzed-up” music-downloading service last month. Who downloads their music from Amazon? This reformed music-embezzler uses iTunes exclusively, and I hate Steve Jobs so that’s got to mean something (or nothing).
Verizon unveiled the Voyager, manufactured by LG, today. Sort of unsurprisingly, Verizon Chief Marketing Officer Mike Lanman said he thinks “it’ll be the best phone…this year,” and then proceeded to take it to an even less realistic but much darker place in commenting that “it will kill the iPhone.” Bringing things back down to earth was Current Analysis analyst Avi Greengart, who said that while the phone may attract a few people not willing to switch to AT&T, it’s highly unlikely that the Voyager will “pull anybody away from an iPhone.”
Nice try to all of you who gave it a shot, and definitely take an A for effort. Maybe not Microsoft though, because seriously, the Zune? We’ve got more money on the Walkman. It’s almost as though you could *not* actually give a shit.
In other news, the date of the Apple backlash has been set for March 21, 2008.
Verizon unveils iPhone rival [Reuters]
Apple’s iPod Still Rules, But Rivals Are Circling [cnbc]

  • 25 Sep 2007 at 10:37 AM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Will Kill The Infidels

iphone.jpgApple issued a stern warning yesterday to cult members that they may “permanently damage” their cell phone/iPod combos by using “unlocking programs” in an effort to get the Cadillac of mobiles to work on unauthorized, non-AT&T networks. Speaking in hushed tones the company was vague in describing the actual technical problems, only saying that fraternization with the evil programs (that might jeopardize their licensing agreement with AT&T) would render the phone “permanently inoperable” when users install future software updates. Any issues that arise from the installation of forbidden software are not covered in the warranty.
In a recent interview, Mock Turtleneck cackled at the idea of being threatened by such programs. “It’s a cat-and-mouse game,” the High Priest of A said. “We have a lot of really good cats.”
Apple Sounds Warning on iPhones [WSJ]

  • 20 Sep 2007 at 5:02 PM
  • Apple

Justin Long, However, Is Definitely Going To Prison

apple.jpgSteve Jobs has been subpoenaed by the SEC to be deposed in a backdating case against Apple’s former general counsel, Nancy Heinen. Though the news sent shares of the fruit down 1 percent, with a $140.31 close (-0.33%), investors should rest assured that while Heinen may fry, this doesn’t mean jack for the company or Steve.* Why? Because, in SJ’s words, “Fuck you, that’s why, I’m Steve Jobs. Death to the right click. Buy an iPod. Or don’t. I could really care less either way. It’s your funeral.”
Jobs subpoenaed over Apple stock scandal [The Guardian]
*Who backdating specialist Al Gore cleared of any wrongdoing earlier in the year.

Or spend on babes, or light on fire–JUST ‘CAUSE HE CAN.
Breaking: Apple Offering $100 Store Credit For All iPhone Owners [Gizmodo]

  • 05 Sep 2007 at 3:01 PM
  • Apple

AAPL Watch– Things Have Been Better

apple.jpgThe rumors that today Apple would introduce a redesigned iPod featuring no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded did not pan out, and for that Jobs-y Boy is paying dearly. Sure, we got a custom ring-tone maker; slashed prices on the iPhone; a 2.5 inch screen video Nano in red, silver, blue, green and black; a new name for the iPod: iPod Classic; 160 gigs (that’s 40,000 songs, 20 more than there are in existence); a touch screen; Wi-Fi; and Safari / GOOG / YHOO browser (basically: an iPhone without the Phone), but it wasn’t enough–shares are down 3.5%.
Are we asking too much? All the news was good news (except for the price cut on iPhones. That announcement was not good and by not good we mean “bad,” for those of you–Cliff Mason–who spent $599 for your iPhone on June 29 instead of $399 this weekend, and for AAPL investors, despite SJ’s spin of, “it’s so popular we want more people to afford it!” Just like houses. Little subprime humor? That’s okay, I’ll let myself out) but it wasn’t the kind of huge gains/NO RIGHT CLICK BUTTON ON YOUR MOUSE news we’ve come to expect from Senor Jobs. He did, however, change the color of his mock, swapping brown for black, and perhaps that’ll be enough to get things up by the end of the day.
Apropos of AAPL, it was also announced today that Apple will have a wireless music deal with Starbucks, which can only mean this thing is about to drop like a bag of dirt.
Apple iPod Special Event: The Live Blog [CNBC]
Apple announces new iPod nano [engadget]
Apple’s new iPod Classic [engagdet]