Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

It’s that time of year again, and by that time of year I mean the time of year in which your investment banking superiors are about to grant you a whole 24-48 consecutive hours off in a mere two weeks. Not only will you soon be basking in a luxurious swath of free time in which you can catch up on 1 or maybe 2/365ths of the total sleep deprivation you’ve suffered in the past year, but sometime in the next couple of business days, your group will have its annual holiday party. The holiday party is a party so important that it must be held several weeks before the actual holiday it is celebrating (answer – Boxing Day, because someone has to spend actual Christmas in the office – you) to give senior bankers a chance to blow it off before taking a proper 2 to 3 week late December vacation that you will never know.

The holiday party organizers and your de facto superiors lull you into a mode of easy acceptance by appearing on the floor when you’re actually working as opposed to catching you in the middle of your Staubach-esque release from throwing a Nerf football with a random tech company logo on it to someone across the bullpen. Thrown off guard from not having to rush to close a window of Freecell, a game of no-limit online poker with $50 blinds, a blurred view of Britney Spears’s mons veneris doing an impression of Telly Savalas, Monstertrak.com, an updated version of your resume, your Yahoo! Fantasy Football league page, some prohibited day trading on E*trade, your suicide note/explanation for impending killing spree in Word, a video of someone failing to execute a back flip while wielding nunchucks and most frivolously some silly columns on Dealbreaker.com, you continue cranking away on your rather elementary model, knowing something is not quite right.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

(Recap: We have been chronicling the story of Bro…Crock Mantasia, loose acquaintance and clear non-friend of Brock Fantasia, who wants to leave JPMorgan for a buy side shop. The following buy side virtual interview is based on Crock’s experiences. Crock just conspicuously slipped out of 277 Park Avenue wearing an “interview tie” and clean, matching socks. Having tenuously inched past the screening interviews, the INTENSITY of the process is starting to reach banker pimple during a live deal levels. Something is about to burst, as Crock reaches Round 3. See my last column for the full recap.)

Round 3
The Final Round…of the initial set of Rounds. In this round, you again turn yourself into a cymbal playing monkey in order to demonstrate that are a good “fit” within a firm that is considering you.

Running out of conventional excuses to free up time for round after round of interviews, you are left to tell your deal team that there’s been an emergency at your sister’s friend’s quinceanera and that the mariachi band is a man down from an errant piñata swing, and that you must fill in because you’re the only person within a 15 block radius who knows the chords to Cielito Lindo. Fortunately, a senior VP on your deal team knows that one cannot become a Hispanic woman without first hearing Cielito Lindo.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Much like the intersection in Greenwood, Mississippi where you can sell your soul to the devil for unbridled blues guitar prowess like Robert Johnson, investment bankers reach a similar crossroads at the end of their second year – buy side jobs. Only unbridled guitar prowess is more like a freakishly large number of memorized Excel shortcuts and mastery of Reverse Polish Notation (also a euphemism used by Lech Walesa when experiencing more intimate forms of “solidarity”), and Greenwood, Mississippi is Manhattan. Ok, so the analogy doesn’t work, besides having the word “crossroads” in it, although Robert Johnson’s alternative to being a blues legend was to be a sharecropper, and the alternative to not getting a buy side job in finance is to remain entrenched in a similar form of reconstructed slavery.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Brock here, daylight savings style, ready to turn back the Brock.

Here it is, Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair, as written by Pablo “Corazon-Breaker” Neruda if he spent two or more years in investment banking.

(Each numbered poem with Neruda’s original title, followed by a description of its contents, inspired by Neruda’s hypothetical banking stint)

1. Body of a Woman
A simple elegiac haiku lamenting the death of a banker’s sex life:

I remember when
I did not work all the time
I used to get laid

2. The Light Wraps You
A poetic celebration of light, or rather the clinically harsh halogen lights of a bank enveloping one’s skin after not sleeping for a few days. The resulting sonnet illuminates the contrast between light in investment banking in the summer and the sun-kissed frolicking people with normal jobs get to engage in. The sonnet addresses banking directly and starts with “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” followed by the response “no” one hundred and thirty times, with an emphatic turn of the sonnet at the beginning of the third quatrain in which “NO” is capitalized. This sonnet sets records for alliteration, assonance and consonance and is thus popular in high school poetry projects.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

We will, we will, Brock you! Brock here, ready to win this once again.

Many of you last Saturday may have noticed an especially large contingent of people rolling top down, models and bottles style, with arm candy and $200 drinks to spare, almost as if AJ was having a family reunion at every single club or bar in New York. By the fifth time you heard that Panjabi MC song without Jay-Z’s accompaniment, by the fourth Priya you put in your cell phone and by your 7th IPA, you started to wonder whether or not the Indians were reveling in the triumph of good over evil by getting extremely hammered.

As it turns out, Priya #3 was clean, and last Saturday was the Hindu festival of Diwali. The festival of Diwali is known as many things to many different people – Divali, Deepavali, Deepestvali, Taco Tuesday, Yom Kippur or Arbor Day, depending on which part of India or Murray Hill you are dealing with. Diwali is the 3rd day of a 5-day festival, signified by the new moon, for some sects the New Year and for many others, the time when the stretch of road on Lexington Avenue between 27th and 30th street, Curry Hill, stretches a little farther.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Everything’s going to be alright, Brockabye! Brock all up in your jock here, so let’s win this, weekly roundup style.

It was refreshing to know that the Dow Jones has seen Wedding Crashers, as it played a game of “just the tip” with 12,000 this week, entering it “just for a second, just to see how it feels,” only to pull back like a frightened turtle yesterday before closing.

Another thing I learned while waiting at the bank on Friday night for my VP to call and give the go-ahead to include an earning’s call transcript in a public information booklet to leave on a Managing Director’s chair in our Houston office is that not since Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow have Russians and Americans come together to create something as profound as the recently created longer-lasting, minty fresh, lab tested, mother approved, super heavy element with atomic number 118.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

It’s been quite a week, with Aleksay Vayner buying YouTube, Aleksay Vayner flying a plane into an Upper East Side apartment and Aleksay Vayner choking Patrick Dempsey on the set of Grey’s Anatomy. I learned most of this info in Aleksay’s 7-page resume and numerous social networking profiles.

Speaking of social networking, the recent $1.65 billion Google acquisition of YouTube, at a multiple of literally a google times trailing EBITDA, has sparked the imaginations and bladders of investors, awash in the frothy latrine of hiked up internet M&A spending. Other investors are worried about the irrational exuberance of this new internet bubble, thinking that perhaps it wasn’t exactly worth $1.65 billion for Google to become the proprietor of a thousand different ways Mentos can be dropped into Diet Coke and OK Go on some treadmills. Maybe the average user of YouTube just wants to jerk off to LonelyGirl15 in peace and not use their free hand to order a Craftsman 155 pc Mechanics toolset online.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Brock Fantasia here, wishing you a happy birthday.

Let me get this right out there; I am frankly sick of birthday parties, especially October birthday parties. It seems like everyone on the planet has an October birthday party. Think about your next three weekends. If there’s a birthday party in there somewhere, then my point is proven. A vice president on my current deal team taught me that brutally efficient method of argument. You don’t convince the 4th largest RLEC in Northern Texas to sign an NDA that may lead to a co-advisory role on a $10 million Term Loan B without learning how to totally finger-blast rhetoric like JPMorgan’s top tier middle-management.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Shalom! Brock here, so let’s Brock out with your stock out.

You may have noticed last Friday that several of your Jewish, semi-Jewish, or born-again Jewish colleagues at the bank left early, or were even absent, without even pretending to be orthodox. No, the Jews on Friday weren’t rushing off to see the matinee of All the King(David)’s Men, The (Broken) Covenant or even Jet Li’s Fearless, they were rushing off to celebrate the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah. Friday afternoon was one of those rare periods in which one comes to appreciate the vast cultural diversity of investment banking, through countless hours of offloaded work. As I sat there Friday night toiling away on an extremely meaningful profile of the B2B Publishing industry, I questioned the dwindling of my deal team. Funny, I always thought my associate Saul Goldblumenthalenfeldberg was a goy. Maybe he was faking, which takes me to my advice for this week: if you work for an investment bank, pretend that you are Jewish.

Rosh Hashanah literally translates to “Head of the Year,” which is why Jamie Dimon celebrates it wearing a yarmulke emblazoned with a golden dollar-sign. Dimon, in another bold stroke of cost-cutting genius, removed all means of leavening bread from JPMorgan dining facilities, including 18-minute stoppers on all ovens, serendipitously ensuring that all JPMorgan starches are pro-Israel. Sans leavening agents, Dimon mistakenly believes that this will cut down on company medical expenses incurred by yeast infections, rampant among middle management, especially VPs and staffers, who are known to pee a little bit every time a managing director says something. On a side note, Dimon is considered an official member of the tribe by many New York Talmudic scholars in his inspired rabbinical attempts to actually circumcise JPMorgan. For Dimon, the removal of the corporate foreskin is the only way to reduce over-head.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Auf wiedersehen amigos! It’s me, Brock here, so let’s Brock it like it’s hot.

As summer is a day from officially ending, it’s finally time to get serious after the frivolity of September and its many celebrations. It is time to emerge from the “hangover grande” caused by Mexican Independence Day on the 16th, put away those soiled Tom Brady jerseys that lubricated the joy of Patriot Day on the 11th and go back to letting your grandparents feebly succumb to the ravaging spectre of age after the respite of widely-celebrated Grandparents Day on September 10th. It is also time to stop wearing white.

While you’re busy getting the deal team back together to start making Lucite babies in the Electronics Manufacturing Services (EMS) sector, nothing can Bogart your deal-joint quite like a bad case of the flu. As flu season rapidly approaches, it’s important to stay as protected as your job at JPMorgan during a down-turn, so that’s why I, Brock Fantasia, like to avoid flu shots like the virulent plagues they profess to protect against.

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Previous Ask Brocks are here. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Hi, it’s me, B to the Rock, so let’s win this.

Now, I don’t like to throw around the word “genius” lightly, but everyone I work with at JPMorgan is a genius. We’re talking above a 620 on the verbal section of the SATs type of genius. Upon seeing the analogy:

Consultant : Pansy with a skill set as soft as his/her pectorals ::
JPMorgan Investment Banker : [x]

a.) Human bidet
b.) Breed of pack animal indigenous to Manhattan
c.) Shoulder-length rubber glove
d.) Genius
e.) Ecuadorian migrant worker with a 401k and dental
f.) None of the above, as analogies are no longer a section of the SATs

The JPMorgan employee, forged out of the bedrock of humility and perspective, would inevitably answer, d. (We would have also accepted a.) (More after the jump...)

[Editor's Note: It has been suggested that we need an advice columnist for DealBreaker, so we went out an found one. Meet Brock Fantasia.]

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Hi, Brock here. Today’s topic is INTENSITY. Why do I capitalize INTENSITY? If you don’t know, you must not work as an INVESTMENT BANKER at JPMorgan, and you definitely need to keep reading.

You’re slamming your third Red Bull, even though it tastes like strained horse urine and is merely meant to disguise cheap vodka, which is usually crudely labeled in Cyrillic and tastes like a wet potato fart. Capping in the home stretch of a satisfying 130 hour week on a Saturday night, now more awake than ever, you wonder what people used to do before Red Bull invented amino acids.

You must be asking, “How do you do it Brock? How do you work a 130 hour week and still emerge with a smile on your face?” The answer is livestock-grade lithium. Lithium and INTENSITY.

I first learned about true INTENSITY as an undergraduate at Penn Wharton... (More after the jump.)

[Editor's Note: It has been suggested that we need an advice columnist for DealBreaker, so we went out an found one. Meet Brock Fantasia.]

Brock Fantasia is the only remaining person in the JPMorgan analyst class of 2002 to still work at JPMorgan, which is in no way testament to the work environment at JPMorgan. In fact, Brock likes to think of himself as the Highlander of his analyst class, wielding an indestructible claymore of corporate finance.

After “totally wrecking” (in his own words) the Analyst-to-Associate program in the M&A group, Brock was briefly moved to the Natural Resources group, due to increased deal flow in the M&A group. Brock graduated from the prestigious University of Pennsylvania Wharton with a degree in Finance and is working in investment banking until he can find a buy-side job. Brock has been interviewing for buy-side jobs throughout the past 3 years and has not been a “good fit” anywhere, despite his ever-burgeoning skill-set. [Editor's P.S.,- Some of this is true. But only some of it. Send your questions to : brock AT dealbreaker DOT com]

Hi, it’s me, Brock here, with my advice for this week.

How many of you have been in this situation? You’re the go-to guy on a project. You know this because your staffer told you that this project could go “live” at any moment, including weekends. This makes working Friday night fun, because you know that after the client sees that page of tombstones you prepared dating back from 1999, they might realize that they’re dealing with an institution that has been the co-advisor on more $50-$100mm second lien loans to media companies in Europe than all but 4 other banks. Who do you think they’ll sign up with? If you said the 4 other banks in front of us, you must not work here, because if you did you’d realize that you can’t fight the JPMentum! (More after the jump...)