Lowly Assistant

Recent Comments

  1. 1
    Posted 2011-07-15 18:17:00 on Today in Statistics: People Have Stuff (Had, Anyway)

    Agreed. Matt's doing very well.

  2. 2
    Posted 2011-06-16 19:21:00 on Trades Not The Only Thing Gian-Paul Caccia Finishes Quickly

    Au contraire. It's nature's wedding ring.

  3. 3
    Posted 2011-03-26 03:58:00 on Dealbreaker NCAA Tournament Challenge Update: Someone May Or May Not Be Getting Cocky

    Fucking Kentucky.

  4. 4
    Posted 2011-02-15 16:17:00 on Hank Paulson To Lock Himself In The Bathroom With This Russian Chick

    Bar Refaeli > Irina Shayk -Reformed Jew

  5. 5
    Posted 2011-02-07 22:40:00 on Don’t Count On Being Invited Back To CNBC, Dr. Oz!

    If only she was as good at jeopardy as she is at picking food out of a buffet cart with tongs. 'Could'a been a contender.

  6. 6
    Posted 2011-02-07 18:11:00 on Which Was The Least Terrible Super Bowl Commercial?

    I was mugged in Detroit in 2005. You and I are basically blood brothers.

  7. 7
    Posted 2011-01-25 19:00:00 on What Changes Will SAC Capital Bring To Domino’s?

    There are very few things I love more than Domino's heavy metal pizza tracker. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBJ0Mtuw13k

  8. 8
    Posted 2010-02-26 12:13:44 on The ‘Brotherhood’ Of The SAC

    18, Wrong. Signed, Steve Cohen's Untamed Lapel

  9. 9
    Posted 2010-02-26 10:55:16 on Opening Bell 02.26.10

    PETULANT CHILDREN, WHEN ONE OF YOU FINALLY MAKES IT TO MY HOSPITAL IN SOUTH JERSEY, I'M GOING TO FEIGN PLEASANTRIES. YOU WILL THINK I'M THE MOST NICEST MALE NURSE IN THE WHOLE LAND. BUT THEN, WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT, I'LL PLACE THIS CATHETER IN A VERY UNORTHODOX SPOT ON YOUR DISGUSTING, HATE-MONGERING, ELITIST BODY. YOU WILL WONDER WHY THE PROCEDURE IS TAKING SO LONG. YOU'LL FIND IT SUSPECT THAT I'M MOVING THROUGH YOUR RECTAL CAVITY WITH THE THERMOMETER. YOU'LL ASK YOURSELF, "SELF, WHY ISN'T THE NICE MALE NURSE WEARING GLOVES? WHY DIDN'T HE PROVIDE A COOKIE AND JUICE BOX AFTER MY DONATION OF BLOOD? WHY DIDN'T HE CHANGE THE SHEET ON THE OBSERVATION TABLE?" YOU WILL WONDER WHY I'M MAKING DOUBLE PHOTO COPIES OF YOUR LICENSE AND INSURANCE CARD. YOU WILL WONDER WHY I'M WHISPERING UNDER MY BREATH, IN A MENACING MANNER, "FUCK CIGNA. FRAUD. MORTGAGE. CDO TO THE 5TH POWER. DELTA. BETA. ALPHA SAYS WHAT?" YOU'LL SAY WHAT, BEFORE REALIZING WHO I AM. YOU WILL SLOWLY BACK AWAY TOWARDS THE DOOR, BEFORE SCREAMING "BUDHAKoN!!!!!!!" AND YOU'LL BE RIGHT. BUT THIS TIME, I WON, BECAUSE I HAD MY FINGER UP YOUR ASS. -BRIAN KELLY

  10. 10
    Posted 2010-02-25 16:39:42 on Harry Markopolos Contemplated Killing Bernie Madoff And Blaming It On The SEC

    This one time, I made hostile remarks on a financial services/gossip blog, and was threatened with unsettling comments from a gentleman. He challenged me to a fight at a local bar in Greenwich Village (I won’t name the bar). That night, I was sure he knew who I was, and this terrified me. I swore that I would take him out, before he could do the same to me. The next evening, I left work, put on camouflage cargo pants, positioned a stick and leaf to protrude from my hat, and staked out said restaurant, waiting to ambush the enemy. After two hours, I gave up, walked into Panchitos, and ate chips/salsa instead. I finished this up with 3 Coronas and a Knicks game. I never ran into the gentleman described above, but he terrifies me to this day.

  11. 11
    Posted 2010-02-25 12:46:11 on Madoff Daughter-in-Law, Grandchildren Looking To Ixnay On The Adoffmay Amenay

    What's up with the "taints" tag? Not complaining in any way, just curious/feeling slightly dumb this afternoon. -Genuine, West of Greenwich St.

  12. 12
    Posted 2010-02-25 12:14:19 on Horse Semen, Scalding Hot Coffee: Matt Taibbi Suddenly Making So Much Sense

    Matphew, Ipf you fwall on hard times and need some help muhlking that whorse, please feel fwee to give me a cwall. Bwarney "Won Man Bwand" Fwank 617-332-3920 (MA) 202-225-5931 (DC)

  13. 13
    Posted 2010-02-24 16:50:15 on Analyst Looking For A Cost-Benefit Analysis Of Chugging A Bottle Of Olive Oil For $2k

    What's with you kids? Homeboy looks like he fell off a cot in the shelter, before trekking it to work this morning. Regardless, +100pts./effort and 3 days worth of slip & slide.

  14. 14
    Posted 2010-02-24 12:48:07 on Jamie Dimon Wanted In Hotlanta

    I have it on good authority that Jamie can also be connected to the Gowanus Canal's clap sitch. http://therealdeal.com/newyork/articles/clap-trap-gonorrhea-in-the-gowanus

  15. 15
    Posted 2010-02-24 10:02:10 on Opening Bell: 02.24.10

    8/Bumpy Knuckles, "Roasted marrow bones, pig’s trotter, Black Label burger or New York strip, chocolate soufflé." Which do you recommend?

  16. 16
    Posted 2010-02-23 22:48:50 on Carl Icahn And Donald Trump Rumble In AC

    Yaël, Good use of the MT. I hope to god this becomes the new MHL/mayo/regal/etc.

  17. 17
    Posted 2010-02-23 22:43:19 on Write-Offs: 02.23.10

    5, I, too, enjoyed Bernard Malamud's 1954 epic tale of Roy Hobbs. Sometimes when I'm in the dugout, I pick up my Wonderboy, take a few swings, and let out a soft sigh. "Done wrong by a bird once, shame on her. Done wrong by a bird twice, shame on money." -Jeffrey "Let Me Tell You About Me" Chang

  18. 18
    Posted 2010-02-23 16:42:22 on Alan Greenspan’s Latest Achievement

    14 = Amazing.

  19. 19
    Posted 2010-02-23 16:38:31 on The Long Kiss Good Night: Erin Callan Takes Final Bow

    Is that a Mercedes or BMW? -LEH Quant

  20. 20
    Posted 2010-02-23 14:08:55 on Serena Williams Of P.E. World Rings In 63rd Birthday On The Court

    Finally, pictures of Steve without his prosthetic crab claw. That nub is not regal, yet terrifically helpful for terrorist fist-jabbing.