Murray: “I think we ought to be personally responsible. If you can take care of yourself and then take care of someone else, that’s sort of how you’re supposed to live. It’s not a question of asking people for help or being rescued or anything like that. I think we’ve sort of gotten used to someone looking out for us, and I don’t think any other person is necessarily going to be counted on to look out for us. I think there’s only so many people that can take care of themselves and can take care of other people. The rest of the people are going to end up — they’re useful in terms of compost for the whole planet, you know, but there’s just certain people that will go up and there are certain people that there stay the same and there are certain people that are going to drop. You’d like to be that person that’s going to elevate and hopefully if you can do that, you can take care of yourself and if you’re good enough, you should take care of about this many people…this country really is a pioneer country. We forget the kind of discipline they had to have to get from– I mean occasionally it seeps in that– they came in wagons from Illinois to Oregon or whatever, they came in wagons and the wheels broke…you think gee, that must have been hard for those women to push that wagon up the mountain.”

Bill Murray’s View On The Economy [CNBC]

Royal Bank of Scotland cut as many as 300 staff in its capital markets and cash equities units after failing to find a buyer for the businesses. Most of the employees affected by the decision are London- based, the bank said in a statement e-mailed to Bloomberg News today. The lender said in January it would cut about 3,500 jobs at the investment-banking division and sell or close the unprofitable cash equities, mergers advisory and equity capital markets divisions. Last month, the bank sold its Hoare Govett corporate broking unit to Jefferies, transferring about 50 jobs. It has been unable to find buyers for the rest of the U.K. equities business. Chief Executive Officer Stephen Hester, 51, decided to dispose of the units after volatile markets and increasing regulation rendered it difficult to generate returns that beat the cost of equity. “Having to cut jobs is the most difficult part of our work to rebuild RBS,” the Edinburgh-based bank said in the statement.

RBS Cuts 300; Can’t Sell Cash Equities Business [RBS]
Related: RBS Feels Bad About Its Firings

As part of his argument for why one shouldn’t own gold, he noted, “Beyond the staggering valuation given the existing stock of gold, current prices make today’s annual production of gold command about $160 billion. Buyers — whether jewelry and industrial users, frightened individuals, or speculators — must continually absorb this additional supply to merely maintain an equilibrium at present prices. A century from now the 400 million acres of farmland will have produced staggering amounts of corn, wheat, cotton, and other crops — and will continue to produce that valuable bounty, whatever the currency may be. Exxon Mobil will probably have delivered trillions of dollars in dividends to its owners and will also hold assets worth many more trillions (and, remember, you get 16 Exxons). The 170,000 tons of gold will be unchanged in size and still incapable of producing anything. You can fondle the cube, but it will not respond.”

Only, as any Warren Buffett scholar worth his or her salt will tell you, that clearly wasn’t the line of his choosing but rather what Fortune, where it appeared, came up with after rejecting his previous drafts, reminding Buffett that theirs is family publication. We’ve obtained the originals and, in the interest of full disclosure and because its how Warren would have wanted it, will share them now.

* “You can talk dirty to a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can mouth obscene gestures at a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can buy an apartment in the building a cross from a cube and watch it at night through binoculars but it will not respond.”
* “You can send nude pictures of yourself to a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can initiate a nice snuggle with a cube in the hopes that it will lead to sex, but it will not respond.”
* “You can run your tongue all around the outer rim of the cube, but it will not respond.”
* “You can tweak the edges of a cube but it will not respond.”
* “You can drill a hole in a cube and fuck the shit out of it but, like a Real Doll, it will not respond.”

Warren Buffett: Why stocks beat gold and bonds [Fortune via Epicurean Dealmaker]

1. Expectations from the front lines include “immense disappointment” and “overall bitterness.”
2. The bank said last Thursday that, in addition to holding conversations re: bonuses this week, that it would “eliminate 5 percent of its senior bankers,” so pick door 1 or 2 wisely.
3. The bank also said that those spared can look forward to their overall compensation being down at least 30 percent. Bob Diamond dares you to be a prick about it.
4. BD’s Rolodex of college kids, chomping at the bit.

Actually, they can leave in three years but, true or false, the idea of spending three more years there is probably sounding like an eternity right about now?

UBS said the so-called “special plan” awards, which were disclosed in Tuesday’s annual results and will be awarded this year, will have strict forfeiture conditions attached. Only about 5 per cent of UBS’s 17,000 investment bankers will be eligible and executives will have to remain with the Swiss group for three years before they can cash in the bonuses, according to people familiar with the plan. On average, each recipient would receive around SFr350,000 in deferred shares, although awards will vary significantly. UBS wants to minimise potential departures from its senior ranks after slashing the investment banking division’s bonus pool by 60 per cent in 2011, in recognition of both weaker revenues and the $2.3bn in unauthorised losses allegedly racked up by a London-based trader last summer.

UBS Fights To Hang On To Key Staff [FT]

“Chris Christie was having dinner with Steve Cohen of SAC Capital at Quality Meats in New York last night. I received a tip; I went up there and talked to the waiters and other people. I heard they had steaks and wine. From what I understand, they were talking politics. Steve Cohen, like most hedge fund managers back in 2008, was a major Democratic campaign contributor…Clearly Christie is a huge supporter of Romney. It doesn’t hurt Cohen to be seen with a figure like Christie with a huge political reputation. I ran this by people at SAC Capital, they have no comment. Christie’s office has no media comment.”

[FBN]

Learn a little something about the financial markets and notice if something huge happens on a given day, negative or positive. Things like the fact that Facebook is going public is not just financial news, it’s world news and you don’t want to seem clueless if you completely missed something like that. You don’t have to become an expert but at least if you know something you can participate in a conversation with your guy. Additionally, you need to be prepared that the volatility of the markets might make your guy’s mood unpredictable, especially on a day that his personal portfolio went down dramatically.

Obviously this one here is key but it’s not enough. If you’re serious about hunting big game, if you really want to impress him with the extent to which you’ve got your finger on the pulse, you must also:

* Call up Bloomberg and have them install a terminal in your apartment ASAP (3 screens if you’re looking for a casual fling, 15 if you uploaded your pictures to a “What will our baby look like” website after the first date; gotta spend money to make money)
* Print out his portfolio and dial into the companies’ earnings calls
* Station a courier at the courthouse so you’re the first to know when his firm is indicted
* Order the CFA test prep books and get cracking (if he’s studying for the Level 2 CFA, YOU’RE studying for the Level 2 CFA)
* Tap the phone lines of Merkel and Sarkozy; report any activity that might indicate imminent action
* Hire a private detective to follow Bernanke, study his every move (where is he eating? how kempt is his beard? does he cut people off on the freeway in the morning on the way to work? does he look irritable leaving the office at night?), and accurately predict future FOMC decisions

Clearly, these are just jumping off points–that should be followed to a T, unless you’re not actually serious about all this in which case, quit wasting our time–if anyone has any other helpful tips to share, please do so now.

How To Date A Wall Street Man [CNBC]

The short version (with regard to McGee’s apparent inability to give Paulson an answer as to what, exactly, he intends to do about the company’s stock slide): “What are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about it, asshole? You’re fucking shit. Where did you learn your trade, you stupid fucking cunt, you idiot? Who ever told you that you could work with men? Oh, I’m gonna have your job, shithead.” The slightly longer version:

Your next question comes from the line of Marin Farley [ph] with Paulson and Company.
Q: Good morning. This is John Paulson [ph] speaking.
A: Hello, John.
Q: Liam, I want to go back to the Slide 17 talking about the potential separating the Life and P&C business. And the – I know you’re doing a strategic review but there’s no slide talking what about what the potential would be just that there’s challenges. So Goldman Sachs came out with I think a very good analysis a few months ago where they showed this – they estimate the upside to doing a tax free spin off of P&C could be over 70% of what the current stock price is trading at. Now, I agree that there’s going be challenges but isn’t your job to really overcome those challenges to achieve the maximum value for shareholders? Now, I would say that Hartford needs to do something drastic because the stock is the lowest valuation relative to book value of any major insurance company. Last year Hartford stock was down 38% while the P&C stocks were up 14% and even declined much more than the Life index which was down 21%. So what I’d like to see you do is not merely come back and saying yes, we’re looking at strategic options but there’s challenges to achieving them but what – first of all, do you agree that you could create as much as 70% value for your shareholders by spinning off – separating P&C? And secondly, is [indiscernible] incentive to overcome the challenges that it’s going to take to spin this off and how long do we have to wait to hear if there’s going be a positive recommendation to separate these two businesses?
A – Liam E. McGee: Thanks John for the question. First of all, the analysis and the intent of the comments was to acknowledge that the challenges are significant not to say that they could not be overcome. Second of all, our analysis including the frictional cost if you will that are then third category would suggest that a split would not create the kind of shareholder value that that particular report suggested. And third, in addition I think your sense of urgency about
realizing greater value for shareholders is shared by me and by this team. And so I hope I answered your questions distinctly and correctly…
Q: Partially, Liam, but if you share the interest all shareholders have in increasing shareholder value I’m surprised that as part of the discussion you don’t talk about how much value could be created by separating the P&C business from the Life business. And not the only slide you devote to it talking about that there’s some obstacles to overcome and not talking about the upside in weighing the upside other separation against what the obstacles are.
A: John…
Q: And better yet not just listing those obstacles but what I’d like to see is how you will overcome those obstacles to result in a more fair valuation for Hartford. Not that there’s obstacles but how you’re going to overcome the obstacles? That’s what I as a shareholder look for you as the management to do.
A: Thank you, John. And I – that is our mindset. Our purpose in the slide was to identify the hurdles. You can – if you heard our language we did not say they were not surmountable, number one. We said there were significant costs to surmount them in a number of areas, so we felt we owed shareholders that disclosure. Number two, we do not believe that splitting them in the current environment for the reasons that we cited will create shareholder value. And third, again I’ll reiterate, we have an incredible sense of urgency on looking at all ideas to create shareholder value.
Q: Well, I think you need to do a much better job of explaining that because Goldman’s report is a very good report at a path to separate the business and create what they estimate as a 70% increase in shareholder value. And then you merely say there’s some obstacles and you don’t equate what the costs are to the benefit and what value do you think could be created. Because right now with the stock performing as poorly as it has relative to both P&C and life companies, I think you need a better explanation of what you’re going to do to enhance shareholder value. Merely that you’re working hard and you’re committed but there’s obstacles. What we need you to do is overcome the obstacles to enhance the valuation for your shareholders. Not merely point out that there’s obstacles.
A: Okay, John. Thank you. I hear you loud and clear.
Q: I hope so.

Warning to the managements of Paulson’s current holdings- there’s a new JP in town, one who will no longer meekly stand by and accept subpar performance from you. God help you if you badly miss earnings estimates; if your margins narrowed in every goddamn segment; if you had to re-state past earnings (downward); if you disclose for the first time on your call that you’re 100% hedged on natural gas at $8. If you dare to dismiss speculation about how much value breaking up your company would produce for shareholders with nebulous comments about “obstacles”? Run and hide.

Paulson Tells Hartford CEO McGee to Do ‘Something Drastic’ [Bloomberg]

Kengeter offered to give up his bonus for 2011, Mr. Ermotti said, and the bank subsequently agreed. Mr. Kengeter will still receive his base salary. For 2010, Mr. Kengeter received total compensation of 9.3 million francs, including a base salary of 875,000 francs.

That’s right, UBS IBD Chief Bonus Watch ’12: ZERO. If you thought he took a harsh tone last year when dealing with “spoiled banker children” who “messed this place up” and “just don’t get it,” just wait. Any employees preemptively considering airing grievances in his direction are advised to put a sock in it.

UBS Will Slice 60% From Bonuses As Net Sinks 76% [WSJ]
Related: UBS Investment Banking Chief Tries The Tough Love Approach

Remember, all this could be yours.

“FYI: Total comp flat to down from last year. Hearing bad things for mid-to-low performers but on the bright side, it was rumored no one would get a salary bump but they came through on the increases.”

Earlier: Bonus Watch ’12: Deutsche Bankers Cannot Believe This Is Happening To Them