Banks

Like all amazing movies, miniseries, other works of art, the clip of Richard Handler accepting and taking part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge is a slow burn to an amazing finish. Oh, to be sure, it starts out leaps and bounds ahead of any other videos of its kind: that is, in Handler’s penthouse bathroom, in front of his jacuzzi. It’s just that at every turn, it gets exponentially better, in ways you can’t imagine, ’til you’re at the end and saying to yourself, “This is one of the most amazing things I’ve ever seen.” Obviously, this must be watched in full, many times over the course of the day and possibly on loop and in place of whatever your firm is showing in TVs throughout the building. But, if we might, here are our favorite moments:

:01: We’re in Richard Handler’s bathroom. Why is that? Most of the head honchos taking part in this challenge (Marissa Mayer, senior execs at JP Morgan, etc) take the plunge on the street in front of their company or in someone’s backyard. No matter, here we are, in Richard Handler’s bathroom.

:05: Handler is narrating this video in his boxers and an old tee-shirt.

:12: He lays out the rules, we’re still in his bathroom.

:56: He nominates Carl Icahn to take the challenge, and Icahn’s wife to dump the ice (Icahn later takes to Twitter to say he’s too god damn busy.)

1:15: He starts ripping open plastic bags of ice and dumping them into the tub. It takes a while, because, again, he’s doing the challenge 1) in a jacuzzi and 2) in a jacuzzi that looks like it can seat 7. “It’s a lotta ice,” he tells the camera.

2:02: Even though he just dumped 8 or 9 bags of ice into the tub, he dumps a hotel-style wicker ice bucket into the bath, just for good measure. Read more »

Earlier this month, Bank of America and the U.S. announced a landmark settlement wherein the bank agreed to pay $16.65 billion to settle allegations re: some not great mortgage securities it sold back in the day. Many an article was written about how this was the last bit of legal messiness BofA had to get through before it could turn its attention back to whatever it is it does when it’s not negotiating multi-billion dollar fines, which it’s done a lot over the past several years. And sure, this was probably the last 10-figure check Brian Moynihan will have to write for a while, but surely there will be other, smaller, mere multi-million dollar lawsuits that pop up along the way, to say nothing of all the other banks’ outstanding suits and other stuff coming down the pipeline we don’t yet know about. Barclays, for example, is gonna want to put that dark pool stuff behind it, as will Credit Suisse, UBS, and Deutsche Bank, should anything come of their investigations. Point is, the era of banks coughing up money to settle wrondoing on the regular is far from over, and inspired by what appears to be a new column at the Journal called “Crystal Ball,” today we’d like to introduce, “You Write The Story,” which, when the appropriate time comes, will go something like this: Read more »

Goldman Tells Potential Partners Not To Get Their Hopes Up

Once again, there will be fewer partners and potentially more David Teppers at Goldman later this year: The Elect plan to add no more than 70 to their number in the bi-annual life-changing ritual, unless an extra few really, really impress Michael Sherwood over the next couple of months. For new partners not only crowd the inner circle—they also cost a great deal. And if the 409 already at the pinnacle are going to continue to rake it in exercising stock options, those costs need to be kept down. Read more »

  • 22 Aug 2014 at 2:25 PM

Bonus Watch ’14: Citi Mistmakers

The youngest members of the House of Corbat got a little extra something in their stocking (beach bag? man or lady satchel? giant canvas sack with a dollar sign on it?) this time around. Read more »

The nearly $17 billion that Brian Moynihan & co. will pay to make the albatross of Countrywide and Angelo Mozilo go away forever is actually closer to $12 billion, thanks to the tax-deductibility of ordinary business expenses like helping out underwater mortgageholders under duress ($7 billion) and compensatory matters ($4.63 billion). Read more »

  • 21 Aug 2014 at 11:49 AM

Pay Hike Watch ’14: Raises For Everyone (Under 25)!

Well, raises for everyone at Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, and Bank of America. JP Morgan and Citi are still pondering this one. Read more »

  • 20 Aug 2014 at 12:53 PM

Pay Hike Watch ’15: The Youth Of Goldman Sachs

The youngest members of the House of Lloyd are said to be in for a nice little salary bump. Read more »

Banks are said to have made their best offers this week. Read more »