• 28 Aug 2008 at 2:51 PM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Is Dead Still Alive

Relax. Steve Jobs is not dead even though you might have read his obituary yesterday on Bloomberg. The financial news service was updating its obituary on Jobs and accidentally published it on its wires.
“It was momentarily posted on the external wire, in error, and immediately deleted (within thirty seconds),” a spokeswoman for Bloomberg told DealBreaker.
It’s not likely many were fooled into thinking the head of Apple was dead. It was full of blank spaces marked “TK” and “XXXX.” The obituary contains notes on who to contact for comments on the death of Jobs. Named are Steve Wozniak, Larry Ellison, Al Gore, Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt, among others. So now Jobs knows who he should suck up to if he wants them to say nice things about him when he’s dead.
The subheads tell you most of what you need to know. The first is appealingly morbid: “Time Is Limited.” The rest read: “Change the World” “Mac” “Reality Distortion Field” “Sugared Water” “`Toy Story’ Success” “Back to Apple” “We’re Back” “Backdated Options” “Common Bug” “Great Work.” Gotta love that sequence of back, back, backdaing, bug, RIP. (Gawker posted the whole thing here.)
Just in case this happens again, we suggest you check here for updates on the vitality of Jobs before trading.
The story also contains a canned explanation of the likely drop in Apple’s stock. After the jump, read why the stock drop “is no surprise to investors and analysts.”

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crutches&kilt.jpgEarlier this week, you’ll recall, if you read this site, we regurgitated the news that Bloomberg and the Schumster had issued a report heralding the death of Wall Street. “60,000 jobs” and “$25 billion” and the need for “looser European-style regulations” and “F Sarbanes-Oxley” was the gist of it (we think—we kind of just glossed over it). Today the New York Times and FT both run “everybody calm down, it’s not going to be that bad” pieces, suggesting that, while New York won’t be the God of All Things Financial anymore, it’s not going to hell in the hand basket Mikey and Chuck would have us believe.
At NYT, Jenny Anderson writes:

Like London’s, all markets can always be improved. And the United States markets are in need of improving. There is near-unanimous agreement that Section 404 has had dire unintended consequences. Global investment banks could lower the high I.P.O. fees they charge in the United States. The federal government could fix immigration issues so that people can flow more easily into and out of New York.
But New York will also have to accept that it will be a leader among global financial centers rather than the leader.

At FT, Richard Beales comments:

Talk of New York’s demise as a financial centre is absurdly premature…

We’re not here to make trouble (that’s a lie) and Anderson and Beales generally sound like they know what’s up, but if New York isn’t in trouble then why did Eliot Spitzer essentially read the report, get up, and jump ship? The guy who, up until a few days ago, could be counted on to nail Wall Street’s inhabitants for J-walking and public urination (we actually agree with the vigor of his prosecution on the latter). Doesn’t his sudden and radical departure mean we really are up to our necks in feces? It’s got to. It’s like if John Carney were to—and this is just a for instance—endlessly go on about the wonders of Jameson then suddenly stopped drinking…

From: John Carney
To: us, among others, who have a vested interest in his drinking habits
[yada, yada, yada]
PPS: If you really want to know more about what it’s like to be laid-up with lots of broken bones and pain, well it’s no big deal. Really. But there’s no loot, there’s no booze and it’s no fun. But the Tossers said it better than I can. See for yourself below.

On second thought, maybe Anderson and Beale are right that Wall Street’s not dead—it’s just got a few broken bones.
About Those Fears of Wall Street’s Decline… [NYT]
On Wall Street: New York’s thicket of complicated rules [FT]

ilovethisguy.jpgA report issued by the Nebbish League (shhh, you wouldn’t have passed up that opportunity either), headed by co-chairs Mike Bloomberg and Chuck Schumer, states that the Street stands to lose up to 60,000 jobs in the next five years unless “cumbersome” government regulations are discarded and replaced by “looser European-style ones” including but not limited to more lax approaches to the ménage a trois. The report cautions that New York could lose up to $25 billion in cash currently generated by Wall Street “unless their blueprint for revising securities regulations is heeded.” Advised changes include:

*Setting up a new a new congressional panel to oversee financial services
*Cutting Homeland Security red tape to make it easier for foreign experts to obtain working visas
*Creating a special international zone here, an “open city” that would allow businesses to operate under a more liberal set of tax and regulatory rules than ordinarily allowed in the U.S.
*Draft concise guidelines for the sometimes ambiguous rules of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act.
* Restrict class-action lawsuits again companies by capping awards and encouraging more arbitration.
* Adapt principles used by regulators in England and France to get U.S. laws “in global harmony.”
* Coordinate U.S. accounting rules with global financial reporting standards.
* Encourage U.S banking regulators to sign a recently adopted global accord, known as Basel II, which puts American banks on the same page with the rest of the world in terms of risk and oversight.

Chuckie-boy also noted somewhat darkly, “The last thing that New York and the country need is to wake up one morning and find we are no longer the financial capital of the world,” which was not unlike how he woke up one day and found out Mrs. Schumer was actually a Puerto Rican trannie named Raoul. Sidebar: the Schumster and I use the same moisturizer.

  • 12 Jan 2007 at 4:32 PM
  • Amaranth

Yelling ‘Penis’ In A Crowded News Cycle

penisbonusamaranth.jpgMichael Lewis latest column explains what connects this year’s most popular stories on Bloomberg. But before he gets going on that he talks a bit about a very special penis.

“New Jersey Man Clips Penis in Vacuum Mishap.”
As recently as 1998, this headline on the Bloomberg was born to attract a crowd on Wall Street. That one sentence was equipped to win any battle of financial news stories, and it did. On the day the story broke, May 15, there was no shortage of harder news: mass riots in Indonesia, a spike in U.S. inflation, Sandy Weill’s announcement that he would like to buy Fidelity.
None of that news interested Bloomberg readers so much as the tale of the New Jersey man sucked into his own vacuum cleaner.

Last year’s biggest stories were a bit less, uhm, penisy.
Upon closer inspection, however, it wasn’t the useful financial news that captured Wall Street’s attention. You can count on one hand the stories that might move markets, or affect business: three items about the Federal Reserve and a pair of stories about giant corporate acquisitions.

News that implicated Wall Street jobs and paychecks, on the other hand, drew huge crowds: Goldman Sachs’s bonuses, Morgan Stanley’s bonuses, Credit Suisse’s trading losses, commodity traders’ losses, commodity traders’ booming pay — the list goes on.

And Amaranth. Amaranth. Amaranth. Amaranth. One reason you saw so many Amaranth stories last year is that you kept reading them. But not just any old Amaranth story.

What Wall Street readers wanted from their Amaranth stories was the answer to three simple questions: Who won, who lost and, above all, how much? The interest in Amaranth, in short, seems to have been the first cousin to the interest in Goldman Sachs’s bonus pool. After all, the $6 billion lost by Amaranth didn’t simply vanish. Someone on Wall Street was on the other side of those trades. Goldman’s bonus pool came from somewhere.

Why `Penis’ Will Make This a Most-Read Story

  • 04 Dec 2006 at 11:24 AM
  • Bloomberg

Bloomberg Eat Reviews: Steak House Review Gets Flushed

bloomberg EAT reviews.gif
The user generated restauarant reviews on Bloomberg are like the last couple of plays of a Giants game: you almost never look at them, and then only for the purposes of laughing at them. In fact, the only real reason even to post a review is if you have something funny today say.
This morning a reader sent in a couple of screenshots of some recent reviews, and included the story of what happened when, well, let’s let the reader tell the story:

“one guy reviewed a steak restaurant by describing his bowel movement in gory detail. Suddenly, page views went through the roof and in response the editor of the EAT function sent around a system-wide message about renewed interest in the function. and then she realized exactly what had renewed the interest and deleted it.”

Nicely done. We could use more of this. Send the best example of Bloomberg user generated content to us at tips (at) dealbreaker (dot) com. Screenshots are great, but we’ll take narrative descriptions too. Thanks!
Update: After the jump, a larger and actually readable version of the screenshot.

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