Damien Hirst, the little artist lover boy of several notable hedge fund managers, has churned out yet another masterpiece of ridiculousness. This time it’s a line of psychedelic jeans for Levis, inspired by work of Andy Warhol. Unlike Hirst’s pickled tiger shark, which Steve Cohen bought for $8 million, and a diamond encrusted skull, sold to an unnamed investment group who requested anonymity because this is the sort of purchase that gets you a reputation for being insane, the pants go for the extremely reasonable price of $80,000 a pop. As we’ve mentioned in the past, a great way to ingratiate yourself with the boss is to suck up to him or her by pretending to have the same interests no matter how out there they may be (hence, my sudden interest in Dungeons and Dragons role play). So while the historically exorbitant cost of buying a dead fish and housing it in formaldehyde may have kept you, lowly SAC analyst, from getting in with the Big Guy in the past, you now have no excuse not to show up to work wearing the same outfit as the BG, and remarking on the “coincidence,” thereby taking your daily interactions from non-existent to awkward. I smell a raise.

Damien Hirst Is Really Into Jeans [Gawker]

The above is a clip from Fox Business on which clothing trends don't work at the office. I disagree with all of them.

#1 FBN SAYS: Don't Overaccessorize because too much jewelry can make too much noise and just make you look plain silly. Wrong because: too few investment bankers dress like Mr. T these days. You see it at the hedge funds, because they're a little more, you know, out there, but not enough at the banks. Also, it's nice to announce yourself via jingle jangle instead of the vanilla, "Here I come."

#2 FBN SAYS: Don't Wear Leggings. Don't really say why, just that you should "go old-fashioned with tights or hose." I beg to differ but not for the reason you would think, which is that leggings are stupid, but because, as stated previously, I fully believe the fastest way to get to the top is no pants at all. If it's good enough for Leon Cooperman, it's good enough for you.

#3 FBN SAYS: Be Judicious About Your Shoes "Comfort is key, heels that are too high make you look like a skank blah blah blah." I call bullshit because: Hedge funds (and other financial institutions but for this particular example, HFs) are a dog eat dog world. It is a well known fact that Adam Sender first made a name not by savvy stockpicking, but by wearing KISS boots in the office, and spitting blood. Not only was it kick ass, it also added 13 inches to his height, putting him just under 6 feet.

Earlier: Getting You Promoted, One Pair Of Assless Chaps At A Time (Provided You Work For Larry Robbins)

The Wall Street Journal has one of those paint by numbers articles today about how it’s inappropriate to dress casually in the office. It’s full of helpful information like “don’t wear ripped jeans that haven’t been washed in three weeks and smell like wet dog” and "Take off your cock ring before you come to work, unless you plan to 'liaise' with your secretary that morning." So it’s not *entirely* useless.

But my issue is that it seems to be addressing idiots. People who don’t get why cargo pants might not be the best choice to roll up to an interview wearing (full disclosure: I don’t either). Toilet cleaners who are just trying to get by without getting fired. And that’s not you, the highly affluent DealBreaker audience that advertisers love. You’re moving up, or at least you’re attempting a vertical climb and since the Journal won’t belay you up there, DealBreaker will. I’m going to tell you a secret someone once told me: talent doesn’t matter. Same thing with initiative and work ethic in general. All that matters is the clothes, and remembering three words: act as if.

Are you a P&L analyst at SAC looking to impress the grand poobah by mimicking his sartorial picks? You wear a zipup sweater, cookie crumbs, no pants. Bottom feeder at Blackstone? Fine Italian suit with bib. Nobody at Merrill? unitard. Interning for Brian Hunter (unpaid, college credit only)? Shroud yourself in a cloak of failure and call it a day. You get the idea. Now, who’s ready to start dressing the part and making a name for himself?

Law Without Suits: New Hires Flout Tradition [WSJ]