Dead Hookers

Planespotting: Hodgepodge

Stevie “Boy” Cohen: San Antonio Int’l to Mc Carran Int’l (Vegas) on his Gulfstream V
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Bill “Prom Queen” Gates: Teterboro to Grand Bahama Int’l on his Cessna Citation X
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Warren “Grandma” Buffett: Westchester Co to Denver Int’l on his Gulfstream IV
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John “Another Bad Guy” Mack: Westchester Co to Raleigh Durham Int’l on his Gulfstream V
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Service Guiding D.Book Through Planespotting

While we’re nothing if not accustomed to inspiring people, we didn’t know our reach was as high up (town) as the New York Times (43rd Street—it’s quite the hike!). But now that we’re here, we might as well grab the mic and offer some pointers.
DealBreakers Guide To Planespotting:
1.If you’re going to ’Spot, you shall spot with Dead Hookers. One does not happen without the other. We cannot stress this enough. For the uninformed, a quick tutorial:
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planespottingMudflap_Girl.jpgX 1 = More mundane and predictable than Mel Gibson’s anti-Semitism. (C’mon. Man Without A Face? Don’t even pretend you didn’t know that was a metaphor for Hitler.)
planespottingMudflap_Girl.jpg X 5 = Put her in a bag and walk promptly but cautiously out of the hotel. Drive to the docks. Make the drop with a guy named Snakes. Speak to no one. You were never here. Where? Exactly.
2.Sentences like “The chief executive of AirTran Holdings said his company would be interested in buying gates from the airlines in such a situation, The Wall Street Journal reported Friday” have absolutely no business in a Planespotting post. Too many facts. Too many instances of actual reporting. Too much “useful” information. Too much this. Too much that. Not enough “what the hell kind of crazy drugs is this sociopath on?”
3.IM convos.
4.Sprinkles—or lack thereof.
Sorkin et al– if more help is necessary, feel free to stop by the office…anytime.

Planespotting: This All Looks Pretty Legit. Or Does It?

planespotting.jpgBarry Diller: Princess Juliana Int’l to Francis S Gabreski on his Raytheon Hawker 800
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Donald Trump: La Guardia to Los Angeles Int’l on his Boeing 727-100
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Warren Buffett: Naples Municipal to Point Salines Int’l on his Cessna 560 Citation 5
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Planespotting: Gateses Gone Wild

Bill Gates: San Diego Int’l to General Manuel Marquez De Leon Int’l on his Cessna Citation Excel
[Earlier that evening, at the Gates manse…]
Bill: Ten hour-long phone calls last month alone to Mount Kisco. Who do we know in Mount Kisco?
Melinda: What?
Bill: I said ‘who do we know it Mount Kisco?’
Melinda: My Aunt Fannie’s daughter-in-law, Rachel.
Bill: Oh, right. Rachel, yes. How is Rachel?
Melinda: Good, she just had her baby.
Bill: Yes, right. Well I’m just thinking that it wouldn’t hurt any of us to really hunker down and try to keep the long distance calls to a min—
Melinda: Hey, Bill? Do you want to do something crazy tonight?
Bill: -imum. Money doesn’t grow on trees and–
Melinda: Bill, listen to me, I’m being serious. Do you want to do something crazy?
Bill: Oh, um, gee, what’d you have in mind?
Melinda: I don’t know I just feel like we’re stuck in a rut. Let’s do something we’ve never done before.
Bill: You want to eat breakfast for dinner?
Melinda: No, Bill, something crazy.
Bill: You want to watch Friends with the Spanish subtitles on?
Melinda: No, Bill, something crazy.
Bill: You want stay up all night?
Melinda: NO BILL I WANT TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY!!!
Bill: I’m sorry, Melinda, I’m fresh out of ideas. I’m not some stud horse that can bring home the bacon AND come up with ‘crazy’ ways to entertain you, okay? I can’t- I can’t think of anything, okay? And I think this is a little unfair of you, you know I’ve been having a hard time with Sergey and Larry and now you want me to be the activities director of this cruise ship, too? I’m serious Melinda, what the eff? I’d say let’s go to Mexico, but you’d probably just shoot that down, too, just like you shot down my idea for email for cats and—
Melinda: Email for cats and Mexico are hardly the same Bill.
Bill: You mean Mexico isn’t a brilliant moneymaking scheme? Because I still think you prematurely shot that down, you always do that to me and—
Melinda: No, I mean it would be crazy to go to Mexico. Pack the jet.
Bill: Pack it for what?
Melinda: Really, Bill?
Bill: Pack it for what?
Melinda: MEXICO!
Bill: Mexico? That’s crazy!
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John Mack: Westchester Co to Nassau Int’l on his Gulfstream V
To Do:
1. Kick Arthur Sulzberger Jr. in the balls
2. Go some place tropical!
3. Buy Milk
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Planespotting: John Thain, Least Shady By Default

NYSE: Westchester Co to Berumuda Int’l on its Gulfstream IV
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(Wal-Mart Spawn) Jim Walton: Lethbridge to Grande Prairie (Alberta) on his Cessna Skylane
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Donald Trump: Pease Int’l Tradeport to La Guardia on his Boeing 727-100
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David Becker: Port Isabel Cameron Co to Austin Bergstrom Int’l on his Mooney M-20
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[We've got our hands full with Wall Street Warriors, episodes 3-6, so you're going to have to fend for yourselves today, salacious and mud-slinging conspiracy theory-wise. Be good and we promise to give Becker the full planespotting treatment on Thursday. Be bad and we'll make sure your dreams are haunted by this guy.]

Planespotting: The Courtship

Warren Buffett: Santa Monica Municipal to Centennial (Denver) on his Gulfstream IV
Drinks? Dinner? Tomorrow? 7:30?*
Donald Trump: John F Kennedy Int’l to Pease Int’l Tradeport on his Boeing 727-100
*In a room full of people, you’re the only one we see.
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Blackstone Group: Westchester Co to Edward Lawrence Logan Int’l on its Raytheon Hawker 800
*In a room full of people, you’re the only one for me.
(But this does smell fishy)
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[Editor's note: the opinion's expressed here are Bess's and Bess's only. I continue to hate Warren Buffett. --JC]

Planespotting: We All Make Mistakes

Warren Buffett: Teterboro to Santa Monica Municipal on his Gulfstream IV
No dead hookers! This trip is fine by us!*
roses.gif*Warren. Warrie. (Can we call you Warrie?). Let’s chat. No need to be afraid, we promise. Really, we’re not going to say anything defamatory. Girl Scout’s honor and you know we’re telling the truth because we were once real live Girl Scouts (yeah, we were pretty awesome at peddling Thin Mints—the crack of cookies, honestly, those babies practically sell themselves—back in the day). Okay. Wow, this is harder than we thought it’d be. Seriously, we’re shaking. Does anyone have any Valium up in this bitch? No? It’s all gone? Honestly, whose turn was it to refill that prescription? Jesus, if we’re going to do one thing right, let’s do this, okay? (Sorry, it’s just something that we’ve had, like, a billion office meetings about and every time we say we’re going to implement a system and follow the system and we never do and it’s just kind of frustrating how something we’ve talked about a thousand times could be so flagrantly disregarded like that).
Anywho. So. You know how sometimes, in the past, so, so far in the past that it’s like, well, it’s kind of like it never happened, we’ve had some good natured jabs at your expense? Like, you know those, little jokes and stuff? You know what, let’s not even call them jokes how about something more fitting like, um, like ‘love pokes’? Yeah, that’s better. So, the love pokes—the loves poke, the love pokes, don’t make us say—ok, like saying you were going to hell, that you were trying to get people to think you were Jewish, that you were a smug little bitch, the way you just up and auctioned off your 2001 town car like you were too good for it or something, and a little high and mighty if you ask us for thinking that someone would want to buy that piece of crap just because it was yours, etc. What’s that? We didn’t write that about the car? Oh, well we definitely—you know what? Forget that last one, yeah, that was a mistake.
Anyhow. We’d like to take it all back. We got to work this morning and saw that your stock’s doing pretty well; mazel tov. And this has nothing to do with that but we just wanted to say we’re sorry about that stuff from before. Honestly, we don’t know what came over us. Actually, can we be honest? It was Carney. He’s been going through some personal problems (rehab) and for some reason (heroin) really laid into us about “writing as many hurtful things, even though you don’t want to, as possible about Warren Buffett.” But today we finally stood up to him and it feels great and we just wanted to share that with you. So, what do you say, water under the bridge? Because I think we should date (mate).