Fox Business Is A Joke And I’m Laughing. WITH THEM.

  • 05 Mar 2008 at 6:47 AM
  • Fox

The Chance Of A Lifetime

fbn hh.htmWe talk shit about Fox Business all the time, implying that they’re all drunken idiotic sluts but it’s the kind of ridicule that points to something deeper and darker, which is that we’re more or less obsessed with FBN. We cannot get enough of them with their gaffes and their pratfalls and their car wrecks and their discount ‘hos. We are insatiable wantons for Rupert Murdoch’s business channel. “Love…soft as an easy chair…Love…fresh as the morning air…” does not even begin to describe how we feel. Every time Alexis Glick confuses Apple for Abu Dhabi, or Rebecca Gomez embarrasses herself in front of a bunch of prostitutes or Cody Willard’s breast pops out of his red dress, we want to bite them, but in a good way, like you want to bite a baby’s arm. Gnom gnom gnom. So, uh, anyway. It’s always been our dream to inject a little piece of ourselves in our idols, in the same way that, I don’t know, a Mets fan would want to carve his initials into a seat in Shea Stadium, or a porn enthusiast on the bed post featured in Backdoor Sluts 9. But we never actually thought the opportunity would arise. Until ten minutes ago.
We just learned the cost to buy a 30-second spot on FBN runs from $250-$900, depending on when it airs. That’s right, folks– for only slightly more than the total amount Cody managed at his hedge fund, you can achieve Foxtastic glory for 30 seconds to the delight of 6,300 or so of your closest friends. Here’s the rub: While $250 is pequeno dinero, it’s about twice Dealbreaker’s budget and 3x Blarney’s annual take home, so we can’t afford both the ad and the production budget. You idiots are going to have to start manning up and doing your part — I can’t do everything around here. You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox’s ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we’ll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all ‘integrity’ on us. Either way, this shit is about to get heavy.

According to a big exposé in the Times today, no one is watching Fox Business. Or the number of viewers is so insignificant—on average, 6,300, on any given weekday, compared to CNBC’s 283,000—that they “fall below Nielsen’s minimum standards for reporting” (which, objectively, is pretty bad). The news is said to be embarrassing to 1. The cocky huntsman/FB correspondent who on October 15, announced while standing outside of CNBC that it was “hunting season,” which I took to mean he was going to shoot Charlie Gasparino in the face but never did (interesting that the network brass took the threat so lightly, though). and 2. Fox Business chairman Roger Ailes, who said he would “not settle for ‘anything short of a revolution.’” Anyway I’m not worried. This can only mean one thing: MORE NPH.
Few Viewers for Infancy of Fox Business [NYT]

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I like to imagine that the performance you’re about to watch was inspired by the show put on by Alfred Lord this morning, right down to the eye-rolling circa 4:47, and the sequined tank top. Check it out and tell me you disagree. I dare you.

Earlier: Another RefreshionTM Success Story? Ben Bernanke.*

(Why isn’t Cody wearing the L&C himself? The only plausible explanation is that he lost a pre-show coin toss. Otherwise you know the Willard would be all over that.)