Not sure how we missed this but provided they didn’t already score a record deal, it’s not too late to share: Mikela and Gabriella are Eastern European sisters/singers/song writers/actresses who want to conquer America, and apparently their agent told them the best way to do that would be through Fox Business’s Happy Hour.* Smart guy, who must’ve done a little research on HH’s dynamic duo and discovered that Rebecca was actually instrumental in catapulting 98 degrees to international fame, and before he managed his own hedge fund (AUM: 15 large), Cody fucked half of N*SYNC. Anyway, have a listen. (If not to the girls (at 2:42), then at least the hypnotic beat FBN insists on playing throughout the segment. Who knew the production budget covered a synthesizer?)
*Little confusion as to whether FBN knew about the twins beforehand or if they were just plucked from the bar where they show’s taped. We like to the think the latter.

We just received word that the NYMEX trading floors are now broadcasting Fox Business News. That’s right people—some genius (and we say that completely sincerely, you know how we feel about FBN) over at 1 North End Avenue decided that programming included but not limited to interviews with life-sized M&Ms, drunk driving PSAs by shitfaced club DJs, the business wisdom of sock puppets, Boyz II Men and hos, hos, hos was not only unintentional hilarity but news you can use. Whether that means employees will be executing trades based on the trenchant market insights of a piece of corn syrup-and-dye-coated candy or making more efficient use of their time by jerking off at their desks to Jenna Lee instead of wasting precious moments in the handicapped bathroom is unclear. Doesn’t really matter—the important thing is that the message is being spread. It’s only a matter of time before everyone else follows in suit (hazarding a guess, I would say GS’s prop desk will be next). Which will make the airing of YOUR winning entry in the commercial contest that much more significant. Now, it has the potential to be seen by 8,000 people. Maybe even ten.

Mary in Indianapolis is a fifty year old single mother dealing with a deadbeat ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support and whose “financial incompetence” is about to drive their home into maybe forclosure*, which Mary is paying for because her name is on the mortgage, even though she’s living elsewhere and he’s shacked up with some floosie. Here’s the thing , and the thing’s two-fold. 1. I shouldn’t be laughing at this because this woman’s obviously going through a difficult time in her life, and, to be honest, there’s something oddly endearing about Dave of “The Dave Ramsey Show,” perhaps the soothingness of his voice, or the way he refers to himself as Mary’s “financial advisor” and to her as his “little sister” but 2. Angelo R. Mozilo woman! Are you seriously calling Fox Business for help here? Why don’t you just ask Jesus what he thinks you should do? He’s always been good with this kind of stuff. Or better yet, give Lon Varney a call. He’s not in the office right now, but try him on his cell:203-890-2000. I’m sure he’ll be able to get you out of this pickle.
*She thinks, she’s not sure.

When the cover of the magazine that includes your centerfold is a shot of you spread eagle with so much cum coming at you that you need special sunglasses to prevent semen-in-the-eye, I’d go with maybe. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Other random thoughts/questions-
- “Getting the niche of it”?
- “Agents as in plural” v. “One big agent”
- Is the idea of a sex tape really so insane as to be dismissed entirely?
- Cody, you bring up your mother twice. What’s the deal there?
- WHERE IS REBECCA?
Earlier: Market Movers: Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
Hot Sluts Are The One Thing Fox Business Can Do Right And They Can’t Even Do That

PR overlord Eric Starkman, who lent his name to Starkman & Associates, has some suggestions on how to improve Bess Levin’s favorite Fox Business Network show. After the jump, read his memo to FBN uber-boss Roger Ailes.

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Fox Business’s “Happy Hour” had the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders on yesterday as the third installment of a thirty-part series entitled “Hot Bitches For Cody To Make A Fool Of Himself In Front Of” (parts one and two were the strippers and Neil Patrick Harris, respectively; CNBC’s Charlie Gasparino is slated for part four). Apparently the girls are partnered with a plumbing company called “Roto-Rooters” which opened the door for Cody to ask “When does the reality show ‘Pimp My Toilet’ come out?” and the redhead to fake laugh at the joke. The best part of the skit is when Rebecca asks if the cowgirls are getting paid for promoting bathroom fixtures and Polly Pocket responds that while they answer may be “yes,” it’s honestly just an honor to be able to work with them [the plumbers]. Also up there is blondie’s last name– Swicegood. And when Cody goes, “Okay, I want to talk business with you.” And basically just the entire thing. Yeah, I love it all.