• 05 Mar 2008 at 6:47 AM
  • Fox

The Chance Of A Lifetime

fbn hh.htmWe talk shit about Fox Business all the time, implying that they’re all drunken idiotic sluts but it’s the kind of ridicule that points to something deeper and darker, which is that we’re more or less obsessed with FBN. We cannot get enough of them with their gaffes and their pratfalls and their car wrecks and their discount ‘hos. We are insatiable wantons for Rupert Murdoch’s business channel. “Love…soft as an easy chair…Love…fresh as the morning air…” does not even begin to describe how we feel. Every time Alexis Glick confuses Apple for Abu Dhabi, or Rebecca Gomez embarrasses herself in front of a bunch of prostitutes or Cody Willard’s breast pops out of his red dress, we want to bite them, but in a good way, like you want to bite a baby’s arm. Gnom gnom gnom. So, uh, anyway. It’s always been our dream to inject a little piece of ourselves in our idols, in the same way that, I don’t know, a Mets fan would want to carve his initials into a seat in Shea Stadium, or a porn enthusiast on the bed post featured in Backdoor Sluts 9. But we never actually thought the opportunity would arise. Until ten minutes ago.
We just learned the cost to buy a 30-second spot on FBN runs from $250-$900, depending on when it airs. That’s right, folks– for only slightly more than the total amount Cody managed at his hedge fund, you can achieve Foxtastic glory for 30 seconds to the delight of 6,300 or so of your closest friends. Here’s the rub: While $250 is pequeno dinero, it’s about twice Dealbreaker’s budget and 3x Blarney’s annual take home, so we can’t afford both the ad and the production budget. You idiots are going to have to start manning up and doing your part — I can’t do everything around here. You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox’s ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we’ll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all ‘integrity’ on us. Either way, this shit is about to get heavy.

  • 04 Mar 2008 at 11:42 AM
  • Fox

This One Goes Out To Everyone Getting The Boot At Goldman Today

Not sure how we missed this but provided they didn’t already score a record deal, it’s not too late to share: Mikela and Gabriella are Eastern European sisters/singers/song writers/actresses who want to conquer America, and apparently their agent told them the best way to do that would be through Fox Business’s Happy Hour.* Smart guy, who must’ve done a little research on HH’s dynamic duo and discovered that Rebecca was actually instrumental in catapulting 98 degrees to international fame, and before he managed his own hedge fund (AUM: 15 large), Cody fucked half of N*SYNC. Anyway, have a listen. (If not to the girls (at 2:42), then at least the hypnotic beat FBN insists on playing throughout the segment. Who knew the production budget covered a synthesizer?)
*Little confusion as to whether FBN knew about the twins beforehand or if they were just plucked from the bar where they show’s taped. We like to the think the latter.

  • 14 Feb 2008 at 10:21 AM
  • Fox

Can We Get Another Shot Of That Semen Detector, Jimmy?

I spent the better half of yesterday cheating on my spouse which was unfortunate because it caused me to miss this wonderful FBN segment on the “business of infidelity.” According to Todd Morris, Brickhouse Security CEO, “cheating season” begins just after Christmas, picks up steam in January, and comes to a head on February 13. That’s where he comes in—Morris sells a product called the Semen Detector, for “spouses who just don’t know.” Fifty percent of the time you’re just being paranoid; what Brickhouse is really offering, for the bargain basement price of $49.95, is “a good night’s sleep.” Cavuto’s questions are excellent: “What must it feel like for the person being spied on?” “What does this say about the relationship if the suspicion is such that you need to look for foreign DNA?” “Where were you last night, Todd?” His response at the end to Morris’s reflection that it’s sort of bittersweet that things have been so lucrative also cannot be topped: “That’s sad, that’s sad. But, your business is booming as a result, so…” Every cloud, Todd. Every cloud.
Infidelity happens – don’t let it happen to you! [Brickhouse Security]

  • 14 Feb 2008 at 10:18 AM
  • CNBC

Terrible News

Gasparino,Charles.jpgWe’ve just received word, from the same tipster who brought us the joyous news that someone with a head on his shoulders over at the NYMEX changed the channel from Mark Haines’s rack to Jenna Lee’s, that: “CNBC is back today on the nymex, looks like gasparino read your article and broke some kneecaps to get cnbc back on down here.”
Earlier: Fantastic News

  • 13 Feb 2008 at 11:40 AM
  • Fox

Fantastic News

fox business.jpegWe just received word that the NYMEX trading floors are now broadcasting Fox Business News. That’s right people—some genius (and we say that completely sincerely, you know how we feel about FBN) over at 1 North End Avenue decided that programming included but not limited to interviews with life-sized M&Ms, drunk driving PSAs by shitfaced club DJs, the business wisdom of sock puppets, Boyz II Men and hos, hos, hos was not only unintentional hilarity but news you can use. Whether that means employees will be executing trades based on the trenchant market insights of a piece of corn syrup-and-dye-coated candy or making more efficient use of their time by jerking off at their desks to Jenna Lee instead of wasting precious moments in the handicapped bathroom is unclear. Doesn’t really matter—the important thing is that the message is being spread. It’s only a matter of time before everyone else follows in suit (hazarding a guess, I would say GS’s prop desk will be next). Which will make the airing of YOUR winning entry in the commercial contest that much more significant. Now, it has the potential to be seen by 8,000 people. Maybe even ten.

  • 30 Jan 2008 at 1:16 PM
  • Fox

Charlie Gasparino’s Advice: “Kill The Mook”

Mary in Indianapolis is a fifty year old single mother dealing with a deadbeat ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support and whose “financial incompetence” is about to drive their home into maybe forclosure*, which Mary is paying for because her name is on the mortgage, even though she’s living elsewhere and he’s shacked up with some floosie. Here’s the thing , and the thing’s two-fold. 1. I shouldn’t be laughing at this because this woman’s obviously going through a difficult time in her life, and, to be honest, there’s something oddly endearing about Dave of “The Dave Ramsey Show,” perhaps the soothingness of his voice, or the way he refers to himself as Mary’s “financial advisor” and to her as his “little sister” but 2. Angelo R. Mozilo woman! Are you seriously calling Fox Business for help here? Why don’t you just ask Jesus what he thinks you should do? He’s always been good with this kind of stuff. Or better yet, give Lon Varney a call. He’s not in the office right now, but try him on his cell:203-890-2000. I’m sure he’ll be able to get you out of this pickle.
*She thinks, she’s not sure.

  • 29 Jan 2008 at 12:00 PM
  • Fox

Is There Such A Fine Line Between Centerfold And Porno?

When the cover of the magazine that includes your centerfold is a shot of you spread eagle with so much cum coming at you that you need special sunglasses to prevent semen-in-the-eye, I’d go with maybe. I don’t know, I’m not a doctor. Other random thoughts/questions-
– “Getting the niche of it”?
– “Agents as in plural” v. “One big agent”
– Is the idea of a sex tape really so insane as to be dismissed entirely?
– Cody, you bring up your mother twice. What’s the deal there?
Earlier: Market Movers: Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders
Hot Sluts Are The One Thing Fox Business Can Do Right And They Can’t Even Do That