We talk shit about Fox Business all the time, implying that they’re all drunken idiotic sluts but it’s the kind of ridicule that points to something deeper and darker, which is that we’re more or less obsessed with FBN. We cannot get enough of them with their gaffes and their pratfalls and their car wrecks and their discount 'hos. We are insatiable wantons for Rupert Murdoch’s business channel. “Love...soft as an easy chair...Love...fresh as the morning air...” does not even begin to describe how we feel. Every time Alexis Glick confuses Apple for Abu Dhabi, or Rebecca Gomez embarrasses herself in front of a bunch of prostitutes or Cody Willard’s breast pops out of his red dress, we want to bite them, but in a good way, like you want to bite a baby’s arm. Gnom gnom gnom. So, uh, anyway. It’s always been our dream to inject a little piece of ourselves in our idols, in the same way that, I don’t know, a Mets fan would want to carve his initials into a seat in Shea Stadium, or a porn enthusiast on the bed post featured in Backdoor Sluts 9. But we never actually thought the opportunity would arise. Until ten minutes ago.
We just learned the cost to buy a 30-second spot on FBN runs from $250-$900, depending on when it airs. That's right, folks-- for only slightly more than the total amount Cody managed at his hedge fund, you can achieve Foxtastic glory for 30 seconds to the delight of 6,300 or so of your closest friends. Here's the rub: While $250 is pequeno dinero, it's about twice Dealbreaker's budget and 3x Blarney's annual take home, so we can't afford both the ad and the production budget. You idiots are going to have to start manning up and doing your part -- I can't do everything around here. You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox's ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we'll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all 'integrity' on us. Either way, this shit is about to get heavy.
Not sure how we missed this but provided they didn't already score a record deal, it's not too late to share: Mikela and Gabriella are Eastern European sisters/singers/song writers/actresses who want to conquer America, and apparently their agent told them the best way to do that would be through Fox Business's Happy Hour.* Smart guy, who must've done a little research on HH's dynamic duo and discovered that Rebecca was actually instrumental in catapulting 98 degrees to international fame, and before he managed his own hedge fund (AUM: 15 large), Cody fucked half of N*SYNC. Anyway, have a listen. (If not to the girls (at 2:42), then at least the hypnotic beat FBN insists on playing throughout the segment. Who knew the production budget covered a synthesizer?)
*Little confusion as to whether FBN knew about the twins beforehand or if they were just plucked from the bar where they show's taped. We like to the think the latter.
I spent the better half of yesterday cheating on my spouse which was unfortunate because it caused me to miss this wonderful FBN segment on the “business of infidelity.” According to Todd Morris, Brickhouse Security CEO, “cheating season” begins just after Christmas, picks up steam in January, and comes to a head on February 13. That’s where he comes in—Morris sells a product called the Semen Detector, for “spouses who just don’t know.” Fifty percent of the time you’re just being paranoid; what Brickhouse is really offering, for the bargain basement price of $49.95, is “a good night’s sleep." Cavuto’s questions are excellent: “What must it feel like for the person being spied on?” “What does this say about the relationship if the suspicion is such that you need to look for foreign DNA?” “Where were you last night, Todd?” His response at the end to Morris’s reflection that it’s sort of bittersweet that things have been so lucrative also cannot be topped: “That’s sad, that's sad. But, your business is booming as a result, so..." Every cloud, Todd. Every cloud.
We've just received word, from the same tipster who brought us the joyous news that someone with a head on his shoulders over at the NYMEX changed the channel from Mark Haines's rack to Jenna Lee's, that: "CNBC is back today on the nymex, looks like gasparino read your article and broke some kneecaps to get cnbc back on down here."
We just received word that the NYMEX trading floors are now broadcasting Fox Business News. That’s right people—some genius (and we say that completely sincerely, you know how we feel about FBN) over at 1 North End Avenue decided that programming included but not limited to interviews with life-sized M&Ms, drunk driving PSAs by shitfaced club DJs, the business wisdom of sock puppets, Boyz II Men and hos, hos, hos was not only unintentional hilarity but news you can use. Whether that means employees will be executing trades based on the trenchant market insights of a piece of corn syrup-and-dye-coated candy or making more efficient use of their time by jerking off at their desks to Jenna Lee instead of wasting precious moments in the handicapped bathroom is unclear. Doesn’t really matter—the important thing is that the message is being spread. It’s only a matter of time before everyone else follows in suit (hazarding a guess, I would say GS’s prop desk will be next). Which will make the airing of YOUR winning entry in the commercial contest that much more significant. Now, it has the potential to be seen by 8,000 people. Maybe even ten.
Mary in Indianapolis is a fifty year old single mother dealing with a deadbeat ex-husband who doesn’t pay child support and whose “financial incompetence” is about to drive their home into maybe forclosure*, which Mary is paying for because her name is on the mortgage, even though she’s living elsewhere and he’s shacked up with some floosie. Here’s the thing , and the thing’s two-fold. 1. I shouldn’t be laughing at this because this woman’s obviously going through a difficult time in her life, and, to be honest, there’s something oddly endearing about Dave of “The Dave Ramsey Show,” perhaps the soothingness of his voice, or the way he refers to himself as Mary’s “financial advisor” and to her as his “little sister” but 2. Angelo R. Mozilo woman! Are you seriously calling Fox Business for help here? Why don’t you just ask Jesus what he thinks you should do? He’s always been good with this kind of stuff. Or better yet, give Lon Varney a call. He’s not in the office right now, but try him on his cell:203-890-2000. I’m sure he’ll be able to get you out of this pickle.
When the cover of the magazine that includes your centerfold is a shot of you spread eagle with so much cum coming at you that you need special sunglasses to prevent semen-in-the-eye, I'd go with maybe. I don't know, I'm not a doctor. Other random thoughts/questions-
- "Getting the niche of it"?
- "Agents as in plural" v. "One big agent"
- Is the idea of a sex tape really so insane as to be dismissed entirely?
- Cody, you bring up your mother twice. What's the deal there?
PR overlord Eric Starkman, who lent his name to Starkman & Associates, has some suggestions on how to improve Bess Levin's favorite Fox Business Network show. After the jump, read his memo to FBN uber-boss Roger Ailes.
Fox Business's "Happy Hour" had the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders on yesterday as the third installment of a thirty-part series entitled "Hot Bitches For Cody To Make A Fool Of Himself In Front Of" (parts one and two were the strippers and Neil Patrick Harris, respectively; CNBC's Charlie Gasparino is slated for part four). Apparently the girls are partnered with a plumbing company called "Roto-Rooters" which opened the door for Cody to ask "When does the reality show 'Pimp My Toilet' come out?" and the redhead to fake laugh at the joke. The best part of the skit is when Rebecca asks if the cowgirls are getting paid for promoting bathroom fixtures and Polly Pocket responds that while they answer may be "yes," it's honestly just an honor to be able to work with them [the plumbers]. Also up there is blondie's last name-- Swicegood. And when Cody goes, "Okay, I want to talk business with you." And basically just the entire thing. Yeah, I love it all.
This week may be the first real test for the Fox Business Network, TV Decoder’s Brian Stelter points out today. Market turmoil tends to drive up viewership for television business news, and FBN is running hard to catch the wave of attention directed at the rocky markets.
While CNBC was basically shut down yesterday, FBN carried the news of yesterday’s global meltdown live. CNBC, however, is responding with a two hour “Market Survival Guide” special that will air tonight from 7-9 PM. Because, see, CNBC is quick and nimble—like the Fed.
CNBC pulled out all the stops this morning, throwing Cramer on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange to echo the sentiment of some traders that the Fed should cut another 50 basis points. Charlie Gasparino got a little rough, declaring that “deleveraging is a bitch.”
We asked Bess what Fox did this morning and she replied, “I didn’t go to Burger King.”
The other day I was on the treadmill at the company gym, blasting the Eddie Money/Outfield/Police, audibly singing along and air-guitaring for several miles and making a conscious effort to not abide by the "30 minute time limit on cardio equipment during peak hours" rule. I was so into my own world that I couldn't even concentrate on the content pouring out of the flatscreen attached to the machine. Right at the peak moment of my discomfort, when vomit exited my mouth, one of the DealBreaker investors walked by. I might have gotten some on his shoes. Only when I was cleaning up (after maybe making him uncomfortable by stressing how good he looked in spandex and shaking his hand with the one I'd just used to wipe the sweat off my forehead), did I notice what the flat panel had been playing. This Fox Business piece on etiquette in the "business gym."
Helpful! I do take issue with the rule that you have to wear a shirt over your sports bra but whatevs, even LT had to tone it down on game day (GO GIANTS). As an aside, Carney knows a girl who was asked to stop working out at the Bear Stearns employee gym because her attire was too constricting/distracting (she was also blamed for the three failed hedge funds).
What sort of moronic stuff do you do while sweating with your colleagues? It's share-time.
And yet, despite the fact that the strippers they had on “Happy Hour” yesterday weren’t nearly as good looking as FB’s anchors, I still enjoyed the segment, for these reasons:
- “Sprites and vodkas”
- The strippers don’t get stools.
- Cody not letting the “sales are up 98 percent” comment fly.
- This exchange: "I understand your stock has a double d top...that was a joke." "Yeah...I got it."
- The blonde nodding her head pensively to Cody's insights.
- The absence of Rebecca, for contractual reasons (“The only hooch at the bar is me. It’s in my contract.”)
Longtime readers of this website and those tuning in for the first time just this morning probably know that we've been into Fox Business for a while. Longtime readers of this website and those tuning in for the first time just this morning probably don't know that we've been into a guy named Neil Patrick Harris (NPH) for-I don't know-ever. Apparently we're not alone with our fondnesses because at least half the room at a LEH holiday party last week admitted to the same. But we all agreed that while you might wonder what it would be like to have both-- HH and NPH-- at the same time, and maybe fantasize about it on a regular basis, you never actually dare to imagine it could happen. Something about "self-preservation" a Brother in equities mumbled. And even though he trailed off, we all heard what he said and nodded in agreement. Well mumble no longer, Brother. In fact, don't even say anything at all, because that day we wouldn't allow ourselves to dream about coming has come and gone. Thanks to YouTube, and not Fox Business, which only makes its 8 or so most recent videos available, though, it's here to stay. That's right-- I'm talking Neil Patrick Harris and I'm talking Neil Patrick Harris as a guest on Fox Business's "Happy Hour." Apparently NPH was born and raised in the same town (Ruidoso, New Mexico) as HH co-anchor Cody Willard and now we (us and Cody) are reaping the benefits. Since some of you work at Fascist establishments that won't allow you to play YouTube clips, even in extraordinary circumstances like the one before us, I've more or less reproduced the show below. Everyone else: avert your eyes and hit play. Unless you want to follow along with a guide, in which case, carry on.
00:13: Rebecca introduces NPH as the star of "When I Met Your Mother." Classic Fox Business. Was this gaffe unplanned? Producers cornering the "dumb as rocks" market? Just Becks being silly? Just Becks being wasted? I don't know, I'm not a doctor but I can tell you this much: NPH does not look pleased and at
00:17: he flashes a look of disgust at Cody intended for Rebecca and snarls, "Thank you, Cody, it's called 'How I Met Your Mother,' but thanks." Has anyone else noticed how NPH has really started to own his bitchiness since he came out?
00:22: Rebecca hasn't: she does the upper-arm touch thing that really only works on straight guys and slurs, "It's still my favorite show!"
00:29: "Neil! Neil!" "Yes, Cody?" Never before have those two words been imbued with such dismissiveness. I fucking love this guy.
00:36: Cody reminds NPH that they've known each other since they were two years old. NPH looks embarrassed.
00:49: Cody goes for street cred with a Chris Rock reference.
00:51: Cody asks NPH how long it's been since he was back in their hometown.
00:53: A good year, NPH is sad to say.
00:55: But he's going home for Christmas!
00:57: "You're going back for Christmas??!!" Cody asks NPH even though that's exactly what he just said. There is so much excitement in his voice you know he's about to suggest that they share a cab from the airport and maybe meet up with the old gang on xmas eve, we could even head over to the bar together I'm sure I can convince my dad to let me borrow the car and tell me if this is being too forward but do you have plans for New Year's? Because I was just thinking, since we're the two big movie stars in town that we could--
01:01: NPH isn't technically going home-home, just the major city near home, and he's kind of already got plans.
01:03: I almost feel bad for Cody.
01:07: Rebecca: "This New Mexico stuff!"
01:11: Rebecca's "read" that NPH has been "acting for a really, really long time."
01:16: I don't know where "Happy Hour" is getting its reading material but it goes way, way back-- apparently, NPH's first play was the "Wizard of Oz," in which he played Toto.
01:18: Cody was at that play. He remembers it like it was yesterday, probably because he still has his playbill and the lock of hair he stole from a comb in NPH's dressing room on opening night.
01:22: Becks asks NPH if he had to get "down on all fours" for the part.
01:27: Becks and Cody crack up at the "down on all fours" joke.
01:31: Becks says "down on all fours" again.
02:21: One time NPH and Cody were acting out a play in the Willard family living room and Cody fell while he had a popsicle stick in his mouth and it almost went all the way through his cheek. I don't want to say this episode isn't Emmy-material, because it is, but had they recreated this particular scene that statue would be in. the. bag.
02:37: They also used to lip synch "Another One Bites The Dust." NPH gives us a taste of what that was like, Cody looks cool by association.
02:43: Rebecca: "Sing Annie! Sing Annie!"
02:45: NPH: (ignoring request in pursuit of question begging to be answered) "What are you guys going to do when your hair gets to gets to the same length?"
02:52: Cody tries to change the subject
02:55: and is unsuccessful (no one can stop a NPH in pursuit of the truth! No one!). NPH: "I think a ponytail might be the best way to go."
02:57: Rebecca: "Was his hair long as a child?"
03:00: NPH: "No, it was short and normal. None of this renegade nonsense." This guy needs to be on every show always, and not just "Happy Hour," and not just Fox Business. Can you think of another person better suited to cut down Jim Cramer? Seriously, NPH would eviscerate him without breaking a sweat. And I don't want to say I'm dying to see what would happen if you got Charlie Gasparino and NPH in a room together with a bunch of cameras rolling, but I'm dying to see what would happen if you got Charlie Gasparino and NPH in a room together with a bunch of cameras rolling.
03:08 Rebecca: "Tell us something good about Cody! Tell us something we don't know about Cody!" (apparently these two are interchangeable)
03:12: While NPH thinks, Cody butters him up by sharing that he would not have successfully started a hedge fund without the money NPH fronted him. I don't think it's common practice for investors to send letters to managers during down months, or at least official ones, but I can see NPH doing it and I can see it being awesome.
03:20: NPH used to invest in Krispey Kreme. Cody remembers telling NPH to get the hell out of that one, so much so that he says it three times. Fuck you, Cody! He's NPH, he can invest in whatever he wants.
03:31: NPH makes lukewarm joke about recently having heard of a stock called "goo...goo?" Cody says, "Google you mean?" I submit NPH only did this because he feels bad for Cody and is trying his hardest not to always come off as the smart/funny one. He really the kid doctor with a heart of gold.
04:31: NPH wants to know where his damn drink is. Cody guesses he wants a vodka/cranberry. NPH: (with disgust) "No, I want a Scotch, on the rocks...idiot."
04:55: Speaking of drinks? Rebecca Gomez-- the girl is shitfaced. I am honestly surprised she doesn't fall off her bar stool. If NPH were straight he'd probably be all, "In about two seconds this girl is going to black out and I will nail her." But he's not! And is doing an awesome job of calling her out on a being a drunk bitch* with just facial expressions.
05:08: I am the drunk bitch. That is not Rebecca Gomez, it's someone named Tracy Byrnes.
05:12: In my defense, they've dressed her up exactly like Rebecca (red sweater, black skirt) and the imposter could easily be Rebecca's twin. I submit that other people thought it was Rebecca, too. This is oddly reminiscent of Marta being played by two different actresses (first by Lenor Varela, then by Patricia Velasquez). Regardless, I'm going to continue referring to the girl as Rebecca, it's just easier that way.
05:21: Taking a cue from Rebecca, Cody says "Harold and Maude" when he means to say "Harold and Kumar."
06:22: Someone calls the show NPH stars in something other than "How I Met Your Mother," again.
07:33: NPH jokes about taking over Cody's job at "Happy Hour," meaning he (and not CW) would be in our lives 5 times/week. Which is sort of like getting your kicks by visiting orphanages on the weekends and messing with one of the sadder-looking kids about rescuing him/her from whatever sort of hellish existence he/she's living under some monstrous warden with unusually long hair for a male, and talking about taking him/her to a house in the country, where he/she can run free** and be part of a real family, and the cruel warden with the unusually long hair for a man is but a distant memory when you really have no intention of doing any of that at all, and even though, hilariously, you've even signed a bunch of official-looking documents that seem to imply you have every intention of taking this parentless child home with you. The utter cruelty outweighs the humor, though, objectively, it'll make you laugh, if you've got a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday.
No matter! If Fox Business doesn't bring the (additional) NPH to us, we will just have to go get the (additional) NPH for ourselves. What follows is a mix tape, of sorts, from me to you. A mix tape NPH-style, that is. Get ready to shove a fist in your mouth or bite down on a piece of leather, because unless you are dead inside, it's ass laughing off time.
This is from the other day but, uh, perhaps there are one or two of you out there who don't regularly watch Fox Business's (fingers crossed) Emmy Award-winning "Happy Hour," produced at the Waldorf's Bull & Bear. I came across this segment while searching for a piece someone told me the show did yesterday on particle theory. But before I could find it, my eyes landed on this one, entitled, "Teenage NASCAR." Who among us would be able to resist? None, myself included. Cody and Rebecca interview 17-year-old Joey Logano about the financial component of racing and what it's like to be NASCAR jailbait (they also get him absolutely shitfaced and then request a spin in his 750 horsepower racing machine, which is just good TV). That's not what I want you to focus on though. I want you to focus on Cody's jacket. Watch it like you've never watched a jacket before. Watch it with the sound on, watch it with the sound off. Watch it on a boat, watch it with a goat. Watch it in the rain, watch it on a train. Watch it in a box, watch it with a fox. Watch it in a house, watch it with a mouse. Then start a letter writing campaign to Fox Business, petitioning that Cody Willard has to wear that jacket on every network appearance for the remainder of his contract. Then take a gander at this thing, which is equally mind-blowing and worthy of your time. You'll want to plug your headphones in.
Only, spoiler alert, it's totally boring. Nothing like the Jermaine Dupri interview and not even in the same league as the 50 Cent spot. As someone who attended a Boyz II Men concert as recently as a few weeks ago, and until then, had a Post-It on my computer reading "Remember to buy Boyz II Men tickets," this was disappointing. And after all the points FB won with the Arabs! We're not going to write them off just yet, but Neil Cavuto needs to think about what he's done. (Dude didn't even act smug or self-satisfied, though we did appreciate it when he said, "You guys look like bankers!" and "I thought the line of fans outside was for me" before LOLing his own joke and ruining it. ) Thanksgiving starts tomorrow, not today, bub. Shape up.
The only excuse we have to offer re: just now mentioning what happened on Fox Business Friday morning is that we don’t watch Fox Business. Sure, we’ve checked out a few choice clips (50 Cent, Sammy Hagar, Lamb Chop and Jerry Springer all come to mind) but only because they were forwarded to us in convenient link form. The bottom line is that there are three TVs in the office and each one is spoken for (TV1: CNBC; TV2: Nintendo (and the answer to all your, “Why haven’t you guys posted anything?” comments); TV3: A Best of Carney clipshow that was spliced together in-house and plays on loop). We don’t TiVo FB because it’s the sort of thing that has to be experienced in real-time.
Which brings us to this: unless something really drastic happens, like Maria Bartiromo announces that Cutter Associates is buying half of Bear Stearns, or Kudlow and Company is replaced by Paulie Shore and My Biatches, or Charlie Gasparino finally cops to being a drug mule, or Joe Kernen discusses Aquaman, the fictional movie from Entourageas though it were real, CNBC is getting bumped. No longer can we afford to miss Fox Business Morning for Breakfast reporting that Apple is taking an 8 percent stake in chipmaker AMD, contributor Charles Payne analyzing the genius (/imaginary) deal, and Glick correcting the misinformation by noting that “It’s not Apple, it’s Apple Dubai? Apple Dubai? Oh, Abu Dubai.” Yes, yes, Abu Dubai, AKA Abu Dhabi. The best part is Peter Barnes’s magical recovery which, paraphrasing, went sort of like this: “Ohhh, okay, okay, Abu Dubai, which was discovered and named by the Germans in 1904, and of course in German means a whale's vagina.” Your move, CNBC. Transcript (via SAI) and video (via Valleywag) after the jump.
We've just received word, from the same tipster who brought us 
We just received word that the NYMEX trading floors are now broadcasting Fox Business News. That’s right people—some genius (and we say that completely sincerely, 
PR overlord Eric Starkman, who lent his name to 
The only excuse we have to offer re: just now mentioning what happened on Fox Business Friday morning is that we don’t watch Fox Business. Sure, we’ve checked out a few choice clips (50 Cent, Sammy Hagar, Lamb Chop and Jerry Springer all come to mind) but only because they were forwarded to us in convenient link form. The bottom line is that there are three TVs in the office and each one is spoken for (TV1: CNBC; TV2: Nintendo (and the answer to all your, “Why haven’t you guys posted anything?” comments); TV3: A Best of Carney clipshow that was spliced together in-house and plays on loop). We don’t TiVo FB because it’s the sort of thing that has to be experienced in real-time. 