Goldman Sachs

The Unthinkable

According to John Mack’s assistant (I kid, of course, though the tip was anonymous so it’s a fifty-fifty chance it could’ve come from her), Morgan Stanley’s population restructuring project will affect “more than just [the rumored] 1,000 brokers,” with cuts occurring in all departments but most heavily in IBD, and impacting 10-15% of total employees. But layoffs, these things happen all the time, and I don’t want to say I’m not beside myself with this news, but I’m not losing any sleep over it. Know what I am losing sleep over? Know what’s seriously cutting into my mid-morning nap schedule? Weighing on my mind? Distracting me from my Mark Haines fantasies? Infringing on my ability to stare off into space? This news (smut, rather) about Goldman Sachs—GOLDMAN SACHS—being forced into this pedestrian layoffs business. Cutting one person—VP, associate, analyst, trader, CEO, secretary, janitor—from Goldman Sachs is too many; according to Reuters, GS will be cutting a whopping 5 percent of its global workforce. I would like to know where the hell God, Goldman Sach’s co-pilot, is during all of this. What he could possibly be doing that’s more important than protecting his children. The only plausible explanation that I can come up with is that he was busy ghost writing this. If that happens to be the case, cool. It was worth it and “Who knows how many men unwittingly dropped their pants under the government’s watchful eye”? That was inspired my friend. Otherwise, we have a problem.
Wall Street, even Goldman, faces ’08 slowdown [Reuters]
What Happens in Men’s Room, Stays in Men’s Room [Bloomberg]

Now hear this Alan Schwartz. John Thain knows how to play this game, he studied at school of GSBS and he’s got a Ph.D. Merrill Lynch is taking a $15 billion write down. You see that, that’s called covering your ass. Analysts expected a $12 bn write down, but Thain said “No No” you have not lowered your expectations enough. So now he only has to live up to his newly self-lowered expectations Alan. Get that, UPOD. U “Under” “P” Promise “O” Over “D” Deliver. Do what Johny Thain does. Don’t be a hero. Take the write downs now.

–Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker’s advisor to newly minted CEOs.

Can’t Wait For The Slapstick Comedy of GSIP

Goldman Sachs’s FLAGSHIP fund–i.e. the central showcase for the unbridled abnormal genius that is Goldman Sachs Asset Management– Global Alpha, lost more money last year than almost any other major hedge fund, according to Financial News. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to leave my job (or just get out more), but the fact that this highly prestigious investment bank has in its possession a hedge fund as shitty as GA, which started 2007 with $10 billion and posted a loss of 39 percent is endlessly amusing to me. ThinkEquity Global Alpha down almost 40%? Not that funny. Goldman Global Alpha down almost 40%? Hysterical. But then again, these are the same jokesters who brought you Global Equity Partners (worst performing global equity manager in the third quarter of last year, down 2.8 percent; not sure how badly they lost it in Q4, perhaps you do) and Global Equity Opportunities (don’t make me look it up), so hilarity was bound to ensue.
Anyway. I think we all know what time it is:

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Coming Soon: Goldman Sachs Stadium?

Unfortunately for the Yankees’ obsessed boys at 85 Broad, it does not look like the Bronx Bombers will be playing in the “Goldman Sachs Stadium” anytime soon
Sorry to inform our loyal Goldman Sachs readers, but despite the impending opening of a new stadium for our beloved Yankees, the Yankee’s chief operating officer, Lonn Trost, is quoted as saying that the team “[will not] change the name of Yankee Stadium.” Perhaps George Steinbrenner, in his dementia-like state, failed to realize that Citi Group paid $800 million for the naming rights of the Mets Stadium. A price tag like that would certainly come in handy when in 2007 you pay Roger Clemens $1 million per game.
The naming rights, however, for the new Giants/Jets stadium is up for sale. The privilege for the naming of the stadium could easily top $1 billion. A mere drop in the bucket for Goldman. My intuition senses “Goldman Sachs Football Stadium”?
–Davey Bachs, DealBreaker Intern
How the Business of Corporate Naming Rights is Changing [Fox Business]

The Ladies Love Fake Goldman Trader

Remember the Craigslist guy from Monday? The one who made exactly $772,000 and was spending Christmas alone. The guy who sounded a bit too American Psycho-ish with his detailed description of his furniture and appliances? Mentioning “custom made oak dresser” and his “viking stove.” This one?
Well, guess what? You were right. It’s a fake. But it was so brilliantly faked that the author got dozens of responses from women interested in spending the holidays beneath his fifteen foot tall Christmas tree and other outsized objects he mentioned. The author, who writes at a blog called Cajun Boy In the City, has experimented with fake Craigslist in the past but seldom gets responses from women. Until now. Apparently, even bitter, self-centered materialistic guys can get teh attention with women as long as they’re hitting the right numbers and work for Goldman Sachs.
So now we’re going to send Bess out on a date with the Cajun Boy, as long as he agrees to spend the evening in character.
my holiday gift to you: “fancy being lavished during the holidays?” [Cajun Boy In The City]

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These Are My Prayers And They Are With You

I’ve got some things to tend to and will be gone for the remainder of the morning, meaning I’m going to miss Goldman Sachs’s earnings announcement. You know how this pains me. I’ll be back eventually this afternoon, but it won’t be the same, so I’m going to put in my two cents now. Personally, I don’t even think Carney will need to add anything to this even after the numbers are out, but that’s his prerogative.

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