Goldman Sachs

Now hear this Alan Schwartz. John Thain knows how to play this game, he studied at school of GSBS and he’s got a Ph.D. Merrill Lynch is taking a $15 billion write down. You see that, that’s called covering your ass. Analysts expected a $12 bn write down, but Thain said “No No” you have not lowered your expectations enough. So now he only has to live up to his newly self-lowered expectations Alan. Get that, UPOD. U “Under” “P” Promise “O” Over “D” Deliver. Do what Johny Thain does. Don’t be a hero. Take the write downs now.

–Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker’s advisor to newly minted CEOs.

Can’t Wait For The Slapstick Comedy of GSIP

Goldman Sachs’s FLAGSHIP fund–i.e. the central showcase for the unbridled abnormal genius that is Goldman Sachs Asset Management– Global Alpha, lost more money last year than almost any other major hedge fund, according to Financial News. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to leave my job (or just get out more), but the fact that this highly prestigious investment bank has in its possession a hedge fund as shitty as GA, which started 2007 with $10 billion and posted a loss of 39 percent is endlessly amusing to me. ThinkEquity Global Alpha down almost 40%? Not that funny. Goldman Global Alpha down almost 40%? Hysterical. But then again, these are the same jokesters who brought you Global Equity Partners (worst performing global equity manager in the third quarter of last year, down 2.8 percent; not sure how badly they lost it in Q4, perhaps you do) and Global Equity Opportunities (don’t make me look it up), so hilarity was bound to ensue.
Anyway. I think we all know what time it is:

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  • 07 Jan 2008 at 10:14 AM
  • bonuses

This Is Almost Too Much To Bear

We like to think our time working for this e-rag has given us, if not company-supplied dental insurance, a strong stomach, able to withstand the most hideous, funky tasting spunk of news. But this truly makes us want to gag: Goldman employees getting shit bonuses. Makes you want to gag, too, doesn’t it? According the Post cost center employees at the Broad, expecting to receive 75 percent of their salary as bonus this year, got fifteen. On a day when I woke up specifically wondering if I should get out of bed or not, and more generally asking, what the hell am I doing with my life, this is not the kind of news I want to hear. When you can’t count on the lowest of Goldman Sachs workers—IT, back office, etc.—to at least be compensated on par with the senior executives at, I don’t know, Bear Stearns, what can you count on? Nothing. If I were born with normal functioning tear ducts, I’d probably be shedding a few right about now (rest assured that there’s an almost embarrassing amount of wet ones rolling down Carney’s face).

Goldman Sack-Cloth Bonuses

The Ladies Love Fake Goldman Trader

Remember the Craigslist guy from Monday? The one who made exactly $772,000 and was spending Christmas alone. The guy who sounded a bit too American Psycho-ish with his detailed description of his furniture and appliances? Mentioning “custom made oak dresser” and his “viking stove.” This one?
Well, guess what? You were right. It’s a fake. But it was so brilliantly faked that the author got dozens of responses from women interested in spending the holidays beneath his fifteen foot tall Christmas tree and other outsized objects he mentioned. The author, who writes at a blog called Cajun Boy In the City, has experimented with fake Craigslist in the past but seldom gets responses from women. Until now. Apparently, even bitter, self-centered materialistic guys can get teh attention with women as long as they’re hitting the right numbers and work for Goldman Sachs.
So now we’re going to send Bess out on a date with the Cajun Boy, as long as he agrees to spend the evening in character.
my holiday gift to you: “fancy being lavished during the holidays?” [Cajun Boy In The City]

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These Are My Prayers And They Are With You

I’ve got some things to tend to and will be gone for the remainder of the morning, meaning I’m going to miss Goldman Sachs’s earnings announcement. You know how this pains me. I’ll be back eventually this afternoon, but it won’t be the same, so I’m going to put in my two cents now. Personally, I don’t even think Carney will need to add anything to this even after the numbers are out, but that’s his prerogative.

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In spite of atrocious performances from Global Alpha and GEO, which perhaps might be indicators of Goldman’s inability to do anything but suck ass when it comes to hedge funds, the firm’s latest HF venture is starting out with a record-setting $10 billion, of which it is expected to lose at least 40 percent, taking redemptions and unforseen weather patterns into account, by the end of ’08. According to Bloomberg, GSIP, run by Raanan Agus and Kenneth Eberts, is (wisely) treading on the Goldman name and standard of excellence, as if to say, “Hey look, we’re not so bad,” past performances of existing hedge funds presumably not being taken into account, though you never know (could be good for demonstrating that GS is human and capable of failure. So, so, so much failure.) The best part is that GSIP has actually calculated– calculated– that if the current fund, in an imaginary world where time travel existed, had been around since the beginning of ’04, it would have returned 18 percent each year through August 2007, beating the S&P 500′s 10 percent average. Keep in mind this is all just hearsay and speculation, and that it’s entirely possible that the same fund, had it existed since the beginning of ’04, could have just as easily returned 79 percent each of those years.
Anyway. I think we all know what time it is:

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