Goldman Sachs

Goldman Stock Picking Fund Down 6% For January

goldman hedge fund losses in january.jpgGoldman Sachs’ latest hedge fund, which was the largest launch in the history of the industry, had a rough first month. The fund is down 6% for January, according to a source familiar with the results.
Goldman Sachs Investment Partners fund recently raised $7 billion, according to a report in the Financial Times. The figure was substantially lower than the rumored $10 billion that had been whispered about in December but higher than the target of between $4 billion and $6 billion. Unlike Goldman’s quant driven offerings, GSIP is a stock-picking hedge fund—the first of its kind at Goldman. It is run by former global proprietary trading chief Raanan Agus and former U.S. prop trading head Kenneth Eberts.
January was reportedly a rough month for many hedge funds of all variety of investment strategies.
We totally forgot to ask Goldman Sachs about this when we were badgering them about the now debunked layoff rumors earlier today.

layoffsatbearstearns.jpgWe’ve gotten to the bottom of the rumors we were following up on this morning about the rumored layoffs at Goldman Sachs. It turns out our skepticism was justified. There have not been across the board cuts at Goldman, and certainly not the type of layoffs we’ve seen at places like Citigroup and Bank of America.
But people are weeping into their keyboards, and a spat of “this is my last day at the firm” emails have been flying through 85 Broad Street today. This is the result of Goldman’s recently completed annual review process in which the people who come out in the bottom 5% are given a stern talking to and often leave the firm. Those in the dead pool have just been given notice—thus the resulting heartbreak, tears, rage and strangely dispassionate emails.

Layoffs Watch ’08: I Can’t Even Get The Words Out

We hear the hideously unthinkable– layoffs at Goldman– are happening today. We have no other information*, other than that “the guy sitting next to me was crying.” Until someone coughs up something interesting, we’ll be watching Jiminy Glick clips (February is Jiminy Glick Month). We will begin with the following:

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The Unthinkable

According to John Mack’s assistant (I kid, of course, though the tip was anonymous so it’s a fifty-fifty chance it could’ve come from her), Morgan Stanley’s population restructuring project will affect “more than just [the rumored] 1,000 brokers,” with cuts occurring in all departments but most heavily in IBD, and impacting 10-15% of total employees. But layoffs, these things happen all the time, and I don’t want to say I’m not beside myself with this news, but I’m not losing any sleep over it. Know what I am losing sleep over? Know what’s seriously cutting into my mid-morning nap schedule? Weighing on my mind? Distracting me from my Mark Haines fantasies? Infringing on my ability to stare off into space? This news (smut, rather) about Goldman Sachs—GOLDMAN SACHS—being forced into this pedestrian layoffs business. Cutting one person—VP, associate, analyst, trader, CEO, secretary, janitor—from Goldman Sachs is too many; according to Reuters, GS will be cutting a whopping 5 percent of its global workforce. I would like to know where the hell God, Goldman Sach’s co-pilot, is during all of this. What he could possibly be doing that’s more important than protecting his children. The only plausible explanation that I can come up with is that he was busy ghost writing this. If that happens to be the case, cool. It was worth it and “Who knows how many men unwittingly dropped their pants under the government’s watchful eye”? That was inspired my friend. Otherwise, we have a problem.
Wall Street, even Goldman, faces ’08 slowdown [Reuters]
What Happens in Men’s Room, Stays in Men’s Room [Bloomberg]

Now hear this Alan Schwartz. John Thain knows how to play this game, he studied at school of GSBS and he’s got a Ph.D. Merrill Lynch is taking a $15 billion write down. You see that, that’s called covering your ass. Analysts expected a $12 bn write down, but Thain said “No No” you have not lowered your expectations enough. So now he only has to live up to his newly self-lowered expectations Alan. Get that, UPOD. U “Under” “P” Promise “O” Over “D” Deliver. Do what Johny Thain does. Don’t be a hero. Take the write downs now.

–Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker’s advisor to newly minted CEOs.

Can’t Wait For The Slapstick Comedy of GSIP

Goldman Sachs’s FLAGSHIP fund–i.e. the central showcase for the unbridled abnormal genius that is Goldman Sachs Asset Management– Global Alpha, lost more money last year than almost any other major hedge fund, according to Financial News. Maybe it’s a sign that I need to leave my job (or just get out more), but the fact that this highly prestigious investment bank has in its possession a hedge fund as shitty as GA, which started 2007 with $10 billion and posted a loss of 39 percent is endlessly amusing to me. ThinkEquity Global Alpha down almost 40%? Not that funny. Goldman Global Alpha down almost 40%? Hysterical. But then again, these are the same jokesters who brought you Global Equity Partners (worst performing global equity manager in the third quarter of last year, down 2.8 percent; not sure how badly they lost it in Q4, perhaps you do) and Global Equity Opportunities (don’t make me look it up), so hilarity was bound to ensue.
Anyway. I think we all know what time it is:

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  • 07 Jan 2008 at 10:14 AM
  • bonuses

This Is Almost Too Much To Bear

We like to think our time working for this e-rag has given us, if not company-supplied dental insurance, a strong stomach, able to withstand the most hideous, funky tasting spunk of news. But this truly makes us want to gag: Goldman employees getting shit bonuses. Makes you want to gag, too, doesn’t it? According the Post cost center employees at the Broad, expecting to receive 75 percent of their salary as bonus this year, got fifteen. On a day when I woke up specifically wondering if I should get out of bed or not, and more generally asking, what the hell am I doing with my life, this is not the kind of news I want to hear. When you can’t count on the lowest of Goldman Sachs workers—IT, back office, etc.—to at least be compensated on par with the senior executives at, I don’t know, Bear Stearns, what can you count on? Nothing. If I were born with normal functioning tear ducts, I’d probably be shedding a few right about now (rest assured that there’s an almost embarrassing amount of wet ones rolling down Carney’s face).

Goldman Sack-Cloth Bonuses