The $13.25 billion acquisition of Electronic Data Systems by Hewlett-Packard—the ninth largest tech deal ever, according to DealLogic—has moved the M&A league table standings, DealJournal Heidi Moore reports. Before the deal was announced, Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley led this year’s ranking from advising technology companies on mergers. But neither bank has a role in the H-P deal, pushing them down in the rankings

“Goldman ranked first with $14 billion of announced deals to its credit this year, and Morgan Stanley ranked second with $11 billion according to investment-banking research provider Dealogic,” Moore writes. “But now, Goldman is in third place, displaced by Lehman Brothers and J.P. Morgan. Lehman has jumped from fifth to first place with $17 billion of deals to its credit, while J.P. Morgan — which, just yesterday, languished in seventh place with only about $2.2 billion of tech deals to its credit — has vaulted to second place in the rankings from seventh place. Morgan Stanley has fallen to No. 5.”

Citigroup and Evercore Partners advised Electronic Data on the deal. J.P. Morgan Chase and Lehman Brothers advised Hewlett-Packard.

Hewlett-Packard: The Advisers [Deal Journal]

Other news media wait until the market closes before reporting on trader chatter and market rumors because they don't think you are smart enough to handle the half-truths. We have more faith in our readers. So we bring it to you straight and without condescending censorship

Today the chatter is about Goldman Sachs. People say lots of things, but today they are saying that Goldman will announce a major stock buyback tonight after the market closes. They're even putting a number on it: $8 billion. Of course, the people saying this are in no condition to know and last week they probably would have told you that Lehman Brothers would be worth $2 on Monday. (But a couple weeks before that they were right about Bear Stearns.) Make of it what you will.

A side note: it's kind of nice to report on bullish rumors about an investment bank. When was the last this happened?

Goldman Sachs didn't comment on this because they wouldn't anyway so we didn't call them.

Goldman Sachs, which announced this morning that it made $1.5 billion last quarter, has quietly been telling some employees to prepare for another round of layoffs. The job cuts are scheduled for mid-April, and will include some senior positions which have not been large cash generators, according to a person familiar with the matter. Goldman, which has weathered the storm of the credit crunch better than many competitors, has not had anywhere near the level of job cuts that rival firms, such as Lehman Brothers, have had.

Goldman Sachs was not asked to confirm this report.

Lloyd Craig Blankfein, people! Is the whole world going to shit? The following is absolutely outrageous. And I think we all know who's to blame. (Starts with an 'E,' ends with a 'liot Spitzer fucked a hooker and this is the fallout.')

To: All London GS

Subject: Policy Changes - Evening Meals and Taxis

Following a firmwide review of our policy on evening meals and taxis,we have decided to implement the following changes, which will become effective today.

Evening Meals

From today, the Petershill cafeteria will open in the evening from 7 pm to 9 pm (6.30 pm to 8 pm on Fridays) in line with the current opening hours at River Court. On completion of the current refurbishment work in early April, the Christchurch Court cafeteria will also open at these times.
Given these extended hours of cafeteria operation and the significant incremental cost of dining@mydesk, the dining@mydesk service will only be available after 10 pm (9 pm on Friday). Staff in Christchurch Court can continue to use dining@mydesk between 7.30 pm and 9 pm until the Christchurch Court cafeteria has reopened. Cafeteria meals will be reimbursable (via T&E) from 7.30 pm onwards. The maximum reimbursable amount for cafeteria meals has been adjusted to £10, to reflect the cost of a full meal within the firm's cafeterias. Cafeteria receipts will need to be retained in order to submit a T&E for reimbursement.

Evening Taxis
The evening rolling taxi rank will continue to be available on weekdays from 6 pm to midnight, but evening taxis home will now be paid for by the firm from 10 pm (rather than 9 pm at present).

Goldman Sachs Asset Management recently fired about twenty people from two teams managing Global Alpha and Global Equity Opportunities and, according to Charlton Heston, the victims were the analysts who "do all the actual work," as opposed to names slightly higher on the roster who, beyond being involved in poor day-to-day decision making, do jack and cost a ton to employ. If you want to be all cynical you could chalk the canning methodology up to the groups (and GS at large and, you know, the entire Street) being boys clubs whose members have each others' backs and who won't let their brohamsters get fired for petty little things like shitty performances, and I guess if you're looking at it like that, then, yeah, it seems kind of bad. But that's because you're looking at it all wrong-- these firings actually cast GSAM in a positive light, because they underscore the division's commitment, above all, and at all times, to lose as much money as possible. Getting rid of co-head Peter Kraus the other day doesn't really seem in line with the aformentioned bottom line, so tut tut there, but we cross our fingers that his replacement will be paid more for less competence. I don't think we need to tell you who's in total agreement on this one:

Here's a fun one: at the end of January it was reported that Goldman would be cutting 5% of its global workforce, because (pick one) a. These bottoms weren't living up to the Goldmany Goldman standard b. As it turns out, Goldman's not better than everyone else (well, better than Citi but who isn't?) c. Someone knocked over the printing press GS uses to make the money and with the new one on back order and the Kinkos employees on break, the firm was forced to take desperate measures.

Either way, 5 percent globally, not that big a D. Now some rumors going around the city's biggest shuls seem to imply that things are worse than previously imagined. Apparently unexpected firings at 85 Broad today have people panicked that Goldman could layoff an overall 25 percent of its workforce.

Meanwhile, Peter Kraus, who took over as head of investment management in June 2001, just retired, according to sources familiar with the matter of making a firing look involuntary (We kid!...).

Remember Mark Spilker? He was the guy who cut down Kynikos founder Jim Chanos's hedges in the Hamptons without asking first this summer. He was just added to Goldman's management committee, the small coterie which runs the bank. That can't be good.

Goldman, of course, had no comment (unless you consider the sound of someone laughing and crying at the same time a comment).

A friend o' the fired fills us in:

"It's more than just a hiring freeze - yesterday in IBD an MD, VP, and Associate were shown the door in Industrials and two Associates were canned in NR."

Could be. It’s what we hear, anyway, from several job-seekers told recently that the Masters were unable to start or continue the interview process. That’s all we’ve got at the moment (obviously we encourage you to share any harder or softer information at this time). For now, let’s just try and send some positive vibes Goldman’s (and really everyone's) way, with a little something we like to call:

The Wall Street Journal's influential Heard on The Street column calls Goldman Sachs "pricey compared with other Wall Street securities firms" and predicts After that Goldman's long run of climbing earnings may be coming to and end. The M&A slow down, so carefully documented in our weekly M&A wrap-up, should hurt revenues from fees while exposure to leveraged loans may drag down profits.

"Goldman could post in mid-March its smallest quarterly profit in three years," HotS writes.

Analysts have been hammering away at Goldman for the last few weeks, predicting a climb down from its elevated status on Wall Street. While no-one thinks we're going to have a surprise subprime write-down, many think the widening credit market crisis is finally about to take a piece out of the Goldman Sachs money mint.

So do the analysts and HotS have it right? Or does Goldman have yet another surprise up its sleeve, like when they revealed they had gone short subprime and made a bundle? Over to the right, at the top of the center column, we've created a poll for you to cast your vote. Goldman: long or short? You decide.

Goldman's Profit Magic May Be Fading [Wall Street Journal]

--Thursday is Steve Schwarzman's birthday. He claims he doesn't want to do anything big, just a few close friends over to the manse, and if it turns be mostly couples, perhaps they'll put some keys in a bowl, but nothing too crazy. He's also supposedly telling people "no gifts"; this is a trap. You know he's full of it and if you don't READ HIS MIND and tally ho on over to Brookstone and snatch up one of those fancy $200 ass-hair trimmers he's been eyeing for months (sources say Crab Hands was just relating the other day how he needs to 'deforest the Schwarzwald') and hand deliver it to l'office, along with the perfectly worded card, you'll be looking at the business end of a hissy fit.

--The Fox Business commercial. Remember? We found out that it only costs $250-$900 to buy a 30-second spot on FBN, depending on when it airs, and delineated tasks to the group. I repeat: You: Make a video and send it to us. We: Pick the best and our publisher will send it to Fox's ad sales team. They: Either a) air it, and earn you a piece of quasi-immortality along such leading FBN lights as Fat Boy Cavuto; or b) shitcan it, and we'll reprint a transcript and audio clip of how Fox, who would blow a goat for a few extra shekels, all of a sudden got all 'integrity' on us. I love the idea of sending the ValueStockTips guy, and it may very well come to that but seriously, show me what you can do.

-- Goldman Sachs is still firing people. So sayeth:

A friend and associate in equity derivatives got let go from GS this morning. He's on his way to Maiden Lane to get his severance package. The reason? "Re-organization"

The source said the last thing he saw was a few schmattas throwing the guy in a car with Eddie Dane, who told him, "Everyone's so goddamn smart. Well, we'll go to Maiden Lane. And we'll see who's smart."

Bear Stearns has more than $1 billion of short positions on subprime, up $400 million from the end of November, Bloomberg reports. Of course, since Bear Stearns got the subprime trade so wildly wrong last year, people are already wondering if this might be a signal that it is time to go long subrime.

Over at The Big Picture, Barry Ritzholz writes, “While I do not expect us to be done with the subprime slime yet, I do get a ‘Is this a bottom indicator?’ sense from Bear on this.”

JPMorgan Chase, which emerged relatively unscathed from the credit market debacle, is apparently taking the opposite position. Yesterday Jamie Dimon was reported to have said that the bank plans to expand its role in the subprime mortgage business. Goldman is also rumored to have reversed it’s position on subprime, taking a net long position.

Bear Stearns Is `Short' Subprime Mortgages $1 Billion [Bloomberg]

Unusual perks: Goldman Sachs covers sex changes [Fortune]

Goldman Sachs’ latest hedge fund, which was the largest launch in the history of the industry, had a rough first month. The fund is down 6% for January, according to a source familiar with the results.

Goldman Sachs Investment Partners fund recently raised $7 billion, according to a report in the Financial Times. The figure was substantially lower than the rumored $10 billion that had been whispered about in December but higher than the target of between $4 billion and $6 billion. Unlike Goldman’s quant driven offerings, GSIP is a stock-picking hedge fund—the first of its kind at Goldman. It is run by former global proprietary trading chief Raanan Agus and former U.S. prop trading head Kenneth Eberts.

January was reportedly a rough month for many hedge funds of all variety of investment strategies.

We totally forgot to ask Goldman Sachs about this when we were badgering them about the now debunked layoff rumors earlier today.

We’ve gotten to the bottom of the rumors we were following up on this morning about the rumored layoffs at Goldman Sachs. It turns out our skepticism was justified. There have not been across the board cuts at Goldman, and certainly not the type of layoffs we’ve seen at places like Citigroup and Bank of America.

But people are weeping into their keyboards, and a spat of “this is my last day at the firm” emails have been flying through 85 Broad Street today. This is the result of Goldman’s recently completed annual review process in which the people who come out in the bottom 5% are given a stern talking to and often leave the firm. Those in the dead pool have just been given notice—thus the resulting heartbreak, tears, rage and strangely dispassionate emails.

We hear the hideously unthinkable-- layoffs at Goldman-- are happening today. We have no other information*, other than that "the guy sitting next to me was crying." A Jew crying over money-- BFD (follow me into an ATM booth whenever if you'd like to watch this live). Until someone coughs up something interesting, we'll be watching Jiminy Glick clips (February is Jiminy Glick Month). We will begin with the following:

So who is on this list of 14 companies under investigation by the FBI for their involvement in the subprime mortgage crisis? The FBI apparently intends to keep us in suspense because they won’t give details. All we know is that they are looking into “allegations of fraud at various stages of the mortgage process, from companies that bundled the loans into securities to the banks that ended up holding them.”

So let’s recklessly speculate. Two companies that are sure to be on the list are Bear Stearns—which is already under investigation by federal prosecutors and the SEC—and Countrywide, which is both the biggest home loan lender and also facing an SEC inquiry. Goldman Sachs is very likely on the list. It was accused on the pages of the Sunday New York Times of misleading clients by packaging CDOs while shorting the mortgage market. We know that at least one Senator read the article and has been making a stink, and we know that federal investigators often get their leads by reading the paper. What’s more, Goldman Sachs has said that it is cooperating with an unnamed government agency.

Morgan Stanley has also admitted to cooperating with unnamed government authorities. At first, everyone assumed this was the SEC. But why wouldn’t they come out and say that? More likely they declined to name the agency out of fear that saying they were cooperating with the FBI would tar them with serious criminality—rather than the everyday Wall Street shenanigans implied by an SEC investigation.

So that gives us four good leads. Who else is a cylon on the list? No doubt some additional mortgage companies and some home builders. Maybe the ratings agencies are also. Leave your guesses in the comments section below.

FBI Launches Subprime Probe [Wall Street Journal]

According to John Mack’s assistant (I kid, of course, though the tip was anonymous so it’s a fifty-fifty chance it could’ve come from her), Morgan Stanley’s population restructuring project will affect “more than just [the rumored] 1,000 brokers,” with cuts occurring in all departments but most heavily in IBD, and impacting 10-15% of total employees. But layoffs, these things happen all the time, and I don’t want to say I’m not beside myself with this news, but I’m not losing any sleep over it. Know what I am losing sleep over? Know what’s seriously cutting into my mid-morning nap schedule? Weighing on my mind? Distracting me from my Mark Haines fantasies? Infringing on my ability to stare off into space? This news (smut, rather) about Goldman Sachs—GOLDMAN SACHS—being forced into this pedestrian layoffs business. Cutting one person—VP, associate, analyst, trader, CEO, secretary, janitor—from Goldman Sachs is too many; according to Reuters, GS will be cutting a whopping 5 percent of its global workforce. I would like to know where the hell God, Goldman Sach’s co-pilot, is during all of this. What he could possibly be doing that’s more important than protecting his children. The only plausible explanation that I can come up with is that he was busy ghost writing this. If that happens to be the case, cool. It was worth it and “Who knows how many men unwittingly dropped their pants under the government's watchful eye”? That was inspired my friend. Otherwise, we have a problem.

Wall Street, even Goldman, faces '08 slowdown [Reuters]
What Happens in Men's Room, Stays in Men's Room [Bloomberg]

Now hear this Alan Schwartz. John Thain knows how to play this game, he studied at school of GSBS and he's got a Ph.D. Merrill Lynch is taking a $15 billion write down. You see that, that's called covering your ass. Analysts expected a $12 bn write down, but Thain said "No No" you have not lowered your expectations enough. So now he only has to live up to his newly self-lowered expectations Alan. Get that, UPOD. U "Under" "P" Promise "O" Over "D" Deliver. Do what Johny Thain does. Don't be a hero. Take the write downs now.

--Everett Stuckey, DealBreaker's advisor to newly minted CEOs.

Goldman Sachs's FLAGSHIP fund--i.e. the central showcase for the unbridled abnormal genius that is Goldman Sachs Asset Management-- Global Alpha, lost more money last year than almost any other major hedge fund, according to Financial News. Maybe it's a sign that I need to leave my job (or just get out more), but the fact that this highly prestigious investment bank has in its possession a hedge fund as shitty as GA, which started 2007 with $10 billion and posted a loss of 39 percent is endlessly amusing to me. ThinkEquity Global Alpha down almost 40%? Not that funny. Goldman Global Alpha down almost 40%? Hysterical. But then again, these are the same jokesters who brought you Global Equity Partners (worst performing global equity manager in the third quarter of last year, down 2.8 percent; not sure how badly they lost it in Q4, perhaps you do) and Global Equity Opportunities (don't make me look it up), so hilarity was bound to ensue.

Anyway. I think we all know what time it is:

We like to think our time working for this e-rag has given us, if not company-supplied dental insurance, a strong stomach, able to withstand the most hideous, funky tasting spunk of news. But this truly makes us want to gag: Goldman employees getting shit bonuses. Makes you want to gag, too, doesn’t it? According the Post cost center employees at the Broad, expecting to receive 75 percent of their salary as bonus this year, got fifteen. On a day when I woke up specifically wondering if I should get out of bed or not, and more generally asking, what the hell am I doing with my life, this is not the kind of news I want to hear. When you can’t count on the lowest of Goldman Sachs workers—IT, back office, etc.—to at least be compensated on par with the senior executives at, I don’t know, Bear Stearns, what can you count on? Nothing. If I were born with normal functioning tear ducts, I’d probably be shedding a few right about now (rest assured that there’s an almost embarrassing amount of wet ones rolling down Carney’s face).

Goldman Sack-Cloth Bonuses [NYP]