This May, the University of Texas Press will publish a book by Robert Auerbach, called “Deception and Abuse at the Fed: Henry B. Gonzalez Battles Alan Greenspan’s Bank.” In it, Auerbach questions the legitimacy of Greenspan’s Ph.D. thesis from NYU, implying that the paper was “obtained in a few months with little more rigor than a matchbook-cover art degree,” and that were you or I ever privy to reading the thing, it would be plainly evident that Greenspan was blowing the half the degree-granting faculty. Luckily for Greenspan, that’ll probably never happen, because, according to Auerbach, New York University is in cahoots with the former fed chairman to keep Auerbach/other interested parties from every laying eyes on that puppy (Auerbach says NYU’s provost, David McLaughlin, claims that dissertations from the 1970s were not placed in the library, and therefore unavailable, which Auerbach doesn’t buy FOR A SECOND).
Obviously this whole thing is making Bernanke tweak his nipples in delight, and our sources in Washington tell us he’s taken to walking around town with his paper tucked under his arm, replying with feigned innocence when people ask what it is, “Oh just the musty old thesis. Needed to check something; still holds up pretty well. See: Benjy Bernanke, MIT Class of 79.” We’ll do an extended review of the book when it officially comes out, but from the unedited copy we were able to get our hands on today, here’s the other shit Greenspan doesn’t want you to know about that you can likely expect to read, barring any major rewrites.
Auerbach alleges that :
1. Greenspan hasn’t read any of Ayn Rand’s books.
2. All of his addresses to Congress involved typing a speech at a third-grade level then using Microsoft’s thesaurus to replace every single word with the most fancy-sounding substitute — even if he didn’t know what it meant.
3. It is a lie of the highest order that Greenspan conducts 80% of his business out of the tub; the author claims “evidentiary proof” that “all the magic happens on the can.”
4. His basement wall is littered with photos of, articles by and home addresses of “infidels I must exterminate,” including Robert Auerbach, Jim Grant, Bill Fleckenstein, and Alan Abelson.
5. BG has 20/20 vision and wears the glasses to “look smart.”
6. He never dated Barbara Walters. Actually briefly dated Geraldo Rivera (then Jerry Rivers) during his late-70s “experimental phase,” and Phyllis Diller for the better half of the 1980s.
7. He lies about his age. He is really only 42.
8. Greenspan inflated his resume credentials; actually spent most of the 1960s and early 1970s running “Easy Al’s Used Cars” in Dubuque, Iowa.
9. During undergrad his source of income was from peddling phony tips on penny stocks, then cleaning up shorting them, and working as a phone sex operator. The book goes into graphic detail, noting that Greenspan was known for his unique style, telling callers things like, “At this juncture you should feel your labia minora becoming engorged. (Since retiring, Greenspan has apparently fired the phone line back up, to much success. $3.99/minute, call 203-890-2000)
Dr. Greenspan’s Amazing Invisible Thesis [Barron's]

An insane Alan Greenspan told an audience of investment bankers, private-equity companies, and Weekend at Bernie’s fans gathered in Chicago for the Midwest ACG Capital Connection conference that he, “didn’t know enough to comment on an agreement among Citigroup, Bank of America, and JP Morgan Chase to increase liquidity in the market for asset-backed commercial paper.” We’re assuming that when one litigious young banker asked, during the Q&A section of the program, “Then why did you say last week, and I quote: ‘[The $75 billion Master Liquidity Enhancement Conduit] could conceivably make [conditions affecting investor psychology] somewhat adverse because if you believe some form of artificial non-market force is propping up the market you don’t believe the market price has exhausted itself” and more or less flat out say that the super-fund will have dire repercussions,” Greenspan answered the question with the question, “Let me ask you this, litigious young banker probably from Goldman Sachs – that Bernanke fellow, he kind of sucks, no?” and then quickly changed the subject by warning, “there will be a crash in Canada, I just don’t know when.”
On another note, if anyone can supply the glasses necessary for a “Slutty Alan Greenspan” Halloween costume, it would be much appreciated. Otherwise, one of us is going to have to go as a “Slutty Maria Bartiromo.” Or, you know, just a “Maria Bartiromo.” (We kid the Bartiromo, of course.)
Earlier: The First Rule of Being Alan Greenspan Is That You Have To Piss All Over Anything That Doesn’t Have To Do With Alan Greenspan
Greenspan Says `State of Fear’ in Credit Markets [Bloomberg]

First, we want to offer a sincere congratulations to Alan Greenspan, for proving that in spite of his retirement and status as an octogenarian, the value of his opinions haven’t yet been placed somewhere between those of a house plant and Jim Cramer (in descending order). In fact, some people—okay, traders—even take his words to mean something. On the heels of Greenspan’s optimistic call that the credit crisis is “about to be over,” investors rallied the Dow past its July peaks, to a high of 14,087.55, up 191.92 (1.4 percent). So that’s nice. Good for the economy and good for Greenspan.
So why, then, does the guy have to be sort of a prick toward his successor? It’s not enough that he insists on remaining in the spotlight instead of going to Florida to die like all good retirees do. Greenspan’s made it his “post-work, I need something to do all day besides putter around the house” hobby to undermine the Beard of Irrelevancy (that’s what AG calls him) and the Federal Reserve (and central banks in general), saying in Amsterdam that “The Fed, ECB, BOE, and BOJ are all losing their ability to influence longer-term rates,” and suggesting that Ben Bernanke be fitted for dentures and get an Rx for Cialis. It’s almost as though he wants to see them fail. But why?
a. So he can be called in at the 11th hour to save the day.
b. His thinly-veiled hatred of Bernanke masks a deep-seated bitterness over never having been able to grow facial hair.
c. He’s an asshole
d. He’s bored
e. He…knows what he’s talking about?
What Recession? [New York Post]
C. banks less able to move long term rates-Greenspan [Reuters]

In “fireside chat” to discuss his memoir, The Age of Turbulence: Adventures in a New World, Alan Greenspan shocked interviewer Daniel Yergin by using the words “I” and “yup.” Then he recounted entertaining (horribly indulgent, enabling) relatives at a young age by doing math problems in his head, and estimated a 42.35% risk of recession.
The 42.35% Chance: A Chat with Greenspan [CNBC]

Former Fed Chairman-cum-author/Deutsche Bank consultant Alan Greenspan said in interview with BBC Radio that he and other regulators were fully—blithely actually—aware of the risks imposed by the complex financial derivatives that helped to fuel the recent market turmoil that’s messed with your shit. So why wasn’t any action taken prior to last week? Because you knew the risks involved, and if you didn’t, you’re dumber than Greenspan had previously thought.
“I must admit that I do not have considerable concern about the net worth of [wealthy individuals investing in hedge funds] going from $40 million to $5 million, which in many cases is what has happened,” he said. In fact, he saw the whole thing as the perfect opportunity to teach you a lesson, not unlike the time he illustrated the dangers of binge drinking to a bunch of middle school students by standing idly by while they downed shot after shot of tequila, saying only to a concerned-looking aide, “this is the only way they’ll learn. Nothing like the memory of a good stomach-pumping to make ‘em think twice about that next drink.”
Oh, and there’s maybe going to be a recession. Maybe.
Greenspan: Recession chance less than 50-50 [CNN Money]

This week Greenspan was everywhere defending his decision to encourage millions of Americans to take out variable mortgages in 2004, even while he was about to embark on a huge interest rate raising campaign.
Even Barbara Walters poked fun at her old boyfriend, scoffing at Al’s real estate record on “The View” this week. Walters recounted how Greenspan convinced her not to buy a Fifth Avenue apartment in the mid-’70s because it was a “bad investment.

Listen To The Shillers, Not The TV Shills [New York Post]

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There’s been a lot of speculation around these parts about the wisdom (or not-wisdom) of Alan Greenspan. Some people think he’s a guy we ought to listen to. Others have no problem displacing his words with the lyrics to “Pina Coladas” and the sound of crinkling newspaper when he speaks. Greenspan is apparently in the former camp and has vowed to tone down his speeches, re: markets, etc. Taking precautions to prevent Old Greenspan from getting the better of New Greenspan while speaking at BookExpo America to promote his upcoming book, “The Age of Turbulence,” organizers moved his talk from the middle of the day to 5:15 p.m. For those of you still not sure how you feel about the Maestro, perhaps this tidbit that he revealed on Friday will tip the scales (though in which direction we’re not sure): most of his book was written in the tub.
Rub-a-Dub-Dub, Maestro’s Speech Scrub [NYP]

A favored reader e-mails: “US markets (supposedly) reacted negatively to comments made by the ESTEEMED former Fed Chair Alan Greenspan, this time regarding his warning of a dramatic fall for Chinese markets…check this chart and tell me again why we should pay that close attention??”

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