Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Betsy "Boom-Boom" Baylor

Dear Boom-Boom:

The best way for me to teach you is by example, so I am including some real-life cause and effect examples from investment banks that involve a legal element.

Example #1: Email from work account

Cause:

-----Original Message-----
From: associate@prestigiousbank.com
Sent: May 20, 2007 4:35 PM
To: associate2@prestigiousbank.com
Subject: test

hey - iwas wondering if you knew anything that could help me pass a saliva/mouth swab test? i think I'm pretty screwed.

Effect:

From: dirhr@prestigiousbank.com (Director of Human Resources)
Sent: May 20, 2007 7:36 PM
Required: Associate; Cindy Reardon (Vice President, Human Resources); Robert Moss (Office of the General Counsel); Richard Fossbath (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division)
When: May 21, 2007 8:00 AM-8:30 AM
Location: Conference Room A, Human Resources, 35th Floor

Accept | Tentative | Decline | Calendar...

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Recently, there has been a lot of discussion about "Sub-Prime," lending and the mortgage backed securities that underpin the industry. Any number of hours have been spent on the lending practices of various banks and who they should be lending to and who they shouldn't. I think we can clean the entire mess up very simply by tightening credit requirements for home loans. Let's limit these loans and therefore prevent the kind of damage that puts bad copy in the financial press about my prestigious investment bank. The reputations of these firms are being seriously harmed by this sub-prime nonsense.

I propose several additions to the credit applications for home loans. This presents a simple and effective check on bad loans before they ever get started and therefore before they make it in to the mortgage backed securities that we rely on to preserve our profits.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Sometimes, when your BBFs turn out to be unsupportive scabs, you just need to distract yourself. Unfortunately, right when that happens you seem to get a bunch of outside influences tugging at you. Well, because a certain editor violated my privacy and splayed my AIM name (muffiehbs05) out on the entire interwebs, I now get any number of dipsticks asking me for a date. True, I had this one passable one in email already and I already had to ignore a bunch of tools in my inbox, but then you find out that some of the ones you are hoping have promise just wither away without even a fight when you shine even a dim light on them. I swear, I don't know how you are supposed to meet someone when you work for a highly prestigious investment bank like I do.

Anyhow, so in a weak moment, I get this email, I respond to it, I have to wait 22 hours (which is intolerable for a date planning session and then this is what I get:

(after the jump)

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Sometimes, it is important to look back at your inner circle of friends and reflect on why they all remain there and who might need to be excommunicated from the circle. That said, and since certain scabs haven't been very supportive lately, I've put together a little list of the reasons to remind myself of why Bess is important to me. (This is a good exercise to do- try it with your friends, family, relatives. What is it they have done for you lately).

Here are ten reasons Bess, despite her being absolutely beastly to me lately, is the best.

(After the Jump)

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

The time has come to have a serious discussion about workplace privacy. I have been shocked recently to learn that employees generally have no expectation of privacy in their workplace in the United States. Their telephone calls, conversations, personal liaisons and internet chat conversations can be monitored with impunity by corrupt, draconian (and creepy) superiors without due process, a warrant, or any kind of judicial review.

Given the kind of intimate things that often go on in the office, I think it is time to recognize that this is one of the most concerning issues of our time. I just happen to know some people personally, three friends of mine, who have been personally impacted by this issue just in the last 48 hours. Their personal, private conversation about important subjects was captured by an employer, and then maliciously reposted all over the internet for everyone to see.

Really, if some people want to know so badly about the personal lives of some other people or what they were doing last night or who they were doing it with or where and with how many other people, they should just ask rather than abuse their power to steal secret conversations and publish them.

Imagine their surprise when my father's lawyer told them that they had basically "no recourse" against their employer for invasion of privacy.

One of them was very upset and is strongly considering resigning her important executive position. You can see yourself from our chat how upset she was (after the jump).

(I have changed her name because she doesn't know I am posting this).

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

It is a recurring theme here in "Heard in the Suite" that working in the most substantive practice group at the most prestigious investment bank around is not for everyone. Even the most dedicated professionals sometimes have problems maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Sometimes neglecting the "play" in "work hard, play hard" is a big mistake. The harder the work the harder the play needed to maintain the balance. Fortunately, in a culture of success like my employer's, there is a group of unsung heroes that the firm has invested piles of money into and who are dedicated to servicing the critical professional employees.

It is true that the people in Human Resources are typically disaffected, bitter women. Who better to understand the trials and travails of those of us who haven't known much hardship until recently?

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

A reader writes:

Dear Muff Diver:

Annoyed in Albany

I will have you know that my experience has helped many people. Not least of which was the reader who wrote in earlier this month looking for resume advice. Today I got a nice little thank you note. I reproduce it below:

Dear Ms. Muffie:

Thanks
R. Mondavi

For your information, many people value my important contributions to the world of high finance.

--
Muffie Benson-Perella reserves the right to edit and reprint all submissions. Forward all your critical finance and personal (but not personal finance, that's for the PCS group) questions to : muffie AT dealbreaker.com

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Gay Banker

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Ms Muffie:

Thanks
R. Mondavi

Dear R.:

First, I love your wines.

I'm much better at girls' resumes, you know, but I'll try. Well, this resume needs quite a bit of work. As I have said before, investment banking isn't for everyone, and your engineering background is very difficult to get around, frankly. I have, however, done an extreme makeover of your resume.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

I have to say I'm starting to get really irritated at the recruiting infrastructure in many of the top banks here in New York and London. The bankers they are hiring are terrified of women.

I had three dates with this young man, let's call him "Dean" from one of the "big name" banks in town some months ago. He was actually very charming and quite a Renaissance man. When we went out the first time for drinkies and then dancing later I was pretty impressed and I am sure all my fans know how hard I am to please when it comes to things like this.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Wondering in Washington

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

So the people on my deal team are total asses. It is not every day that people get to visit London, but they insist on spending hours and hours "working," which translates to sitting around in conference rooms and hotel rooms and hotel conference rooms (and by the way, someone has to do something about hotel conference rooms, I can't believe my co-workers sit for so long without moving and without their butts hurting) and reviewing "documentation." Personally, I don't call a bunch of spreadsheets "documentation." Documentation is suppose to explain something. Like how to work your iPod, or the best way to keep the leather on your purse in good condition or something. Why the hell did we come to London if they are just going to be in a hotel or conference rooms the whole time? They might as well have been in Atlanta or something. And let me tell you, dear readers, Atlanta is no picnic.

Anyhow, I started taking pictures of the "deal room," which is another totally stupid term since there is no dealmaking going on in there, just reading of more "documentation," but this total bitch of a receptionist told me there was no photography allowed. That is totally stupid considering there were video cameras all over at every corner of the hallways. Hello, how can there be "no photography" when you have cameras everywhere? So I just took pictures when she wasn't looking but then some obnoxious guy actually took my camera away. Can you believe it? That's assault, you know. He gave it back to me but my memory card was missing. Assault and theft. Isn't that robbery or something? Anyhow, I plan to ask Dad what can be done but I didn't get the guy's name. That was stupid.

They were boring pictures anyhow. Just a bunch of boxes with papers in them. I thought I had some pictures from the night before on there but I don't really remember for sure and I can't find the business cards I collected because I left them at someone's house. Anyhow, I got a new memory card and went out to M&S before I had to go to the Airport.

After the camera incident I got a call from a partner at the prestigious investment bank I work for. He had heard about the entire thing already and suggested that I should come home immediately. He was kind of mean but then my Dad's friend on the executive committee called and apologized and said there was lots for me to do for the Ambassador Program back home. Of course, he's right. They had been so beastly there was no reason to let them take advantage of my contributions to the team any longer.

This sign explains a lot. I think the British just have too much attitude. Wedding insurance must be a good bet considering the number of broken off engagements that must pop up once girls find out what dicks British men are. I left a bunch of things at this guy's place and he wouldn't call me back so I could get them back.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Banking on Baking

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

It is really hard to get work done in London. Someone has got to do something about the Hotel situation in London. Why aren't 30 cash-flush private equity firms snatching up London hotels and converting them into something civilized? I mean, really. It is beyond the pale. So we get into the city and one of the deal team guys is trying to convince us to switch our hotel reservations to some place near the client. I have never stayed at a hotel in London so what do I know. Someone at the client suggests the "Millennium Hotel." Sounds good and modern to me so we go there. Disaster. Look at what passes for "modern" in London:

I mean really. Talk about boring. It's in the middle of this huge, dull square. There are a few trees but that's it. No boutiques. No where to sit and have a nice breakfast. No shopping nearby. Nothing. I am in London, I am going to want to see the city and do some tourist things, obviously.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

I think I might have mentioned before that international travel is really uncivilized now. Nothing provides a more solid example of this frustrating fact than London Heathrow Airport.

First of all, you are funneled into this hallway, which goes on forever and ever. Why they can't provide some golf-carts or something is beyond me. There always seems to be some old, decrepit senior riding around in the back, as if they have anyplace other than the funeral home to get to in a hurry. Why some sort of transportation isn't provided for professionals on a timetable I will never know.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

International travel has become totally uncivilized. We are working on a very important cross-border deal and so I had to go to London to make sure things ran smoothly. Let me tell you, things have gotten really bad. I took along a camera to give you a sense of how bad it has gotten.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Next Week in Muffie Benson-Perella:

Don't miss a brand new week of "Heard in the Suite!"

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Ms. Benson-Perella is in London working on an important deal for her highly prestigious investment bank and cannot, therefore, be bothered to write an entry.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world. Ms. Benson-Perella is currently on assignment in London.

I really love that I have an Analyst. Analysts are a great idea and they really make life easier for us Associates so we can concentrate on the important things.

When my Analyst, Phil, got assigned to me it was a godsend. Phil got in trouble for saying something mean about a Managing Director's wife when he thought the speakerphone was turned off but it wasn't. So they assigned him to me. He seems to think it was some kind of punishment but I think that it was because he needed someone with good "soft skills" to help him develop as a professional.

A few readers have asked me to share more about what I do during the day at the office so I thought I would share some of the emails I have had back and forth with Phil. He's great! But he works all the time and never seems to go out! I called him on Saturday night but he was still in the office working on some model we had to do for that Monday.

Here's some emails with Phil:

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

One of my friends from Harvard, Sunny, came to New York to work in investment banking. Sunny was a year ahead of me so she was already a Second Year Associate when I started. I didn't really see much of her when I was interning.

Sunny and I used to be pretty good friends. Her parents and my parents played a lot of tennis together in Connecticut and they used to ski at our place in Telluride since my mother stopped going. (She thinks the Alps are much better skiing now and Telluride has gotten really crowded anyway since the third development in the Mountain Village got built). Sunny went to Brown when I was at Vassar and we didn't see much of each other until we met up again at HBS.

So I was a little annoyed when she wouldn't return my calls promptly. After all, here was one of her Harvard classmates, in a new city, well sort of, since I never spent much time in the city until my internship, but she wouldn't answer the phone when I called.

Finally, I ran into her at this party. She was talking to some guy (I found out later he's a Vice President and he went to Columbia and does a lot of coke) when I walked up to her. I just said "Hi Sunny!" She stared at me, really coldly, and said, "My name's not Sunny now, Muffie." She really spit my name out when she said it. "Its Jennifer."

Her name is actually Jennifer but no one ever called her that until she came to New York and started hanging out with Vice President Cokehead from Columbia. Even her mom still calls her Sunny.

There's no way I'm letting New York go to my head like that.