And you know what? I don’t think buddy boy’s drunk or making shit up this time. According to Gasparino, Merrill will start firing employees tomorrow, with the credit and bond departments most at risk. And they may also announce a $10 billion writedown. And the triumphant return of Stan O’Neal. And “Dinosaurs,” in syndication. As that’s the most important piece of information in this post, you can expect that I will elaborate on that later.

Earlier: Please Say Charlie Gasparino Is Drunk And Making Shit Up, Please Say Charlie Gasparino Is Drunk And Making Shit Up

For now, however, I’m going to ignore what is obviously the result of Vikram Pandit paying a house call to the Mayo residence over the holiday and focus on the billions. Last week Goldman Sachs analyst William Tanona said $18.7 billion, the other day Sanford Bernstein’s Howard Mason wrote $12 billion. Meredith Whitney is rumored to be working on a report that pegs it at more like $35 billion, but who really knows. This is all just hearsay and speculation. And I’ll just leave it at that (if you have anything to add, by all means, go ahead). As an aside, I went with the 8830. I’m happy with it so far, mostly because it’s really brought my otherwise dormant asshole tendencies to light (for instance, the tongue lashing I gave a friend yesterday for interrupting me during a game of BB when I only had one life left and before I could pause the thing). I’ll elaborate more on that later.

Citigroup may write down $12 billion [Reuters]

CNBC reports that Citigroup will begin its layoffs next week, ultimately cutting 5 to 10 percent of its 320,000 employees (and then 5 to 10 percent of what remains, and then another 5 to 10 percent after that). This is sort of sad because when you look at that jolly, elfin face of Vikram Pandit’s, you don’t think “bad cop,” you think “Christmas in Bombay” (“over-hyped, highly-mediocre hedge fund,” etc.). In other news, it says here that I could take 17 five year olds in a fight, though I think my score was so high because I said that if it came to it, I wouldn’t have a problem biting or eye-gouging, which is really only half true. I have issues with sticking things in my eyes- took like a week to master contacts, and drops, etc. flat out don’t happen-, so I’m guessing I probably wouldn’t be up to the task of sticking things in other people’s. Biting, yes, no problem. I would bite the shit out of those 5 year olds. I’ve already bit three five year olds this morning. I’ll elaborate more on that later.

Earlier: Layoffs Watch ‘08: Citigroup

Citigroup Layoffs Could Start Next Week [CNBC]

I’m sure all you rabid Stanley Burrell fans have known about/been discussing the news in chat rooms for weeks at this point but Carney sent me a “high-priority” e-mail this morning outlining the reasons—too embarrassing, for him, to mention—why it bears repeating so here and now: MC Hammer is launching DanceJam.com, a new site MCH hopes will become “the Internet’s hub for sharing and watching dance videos,” this month. DJ will apparently provide “demonstrations and information about a wide variety of dances,” and also offer viewers the chance to judge user submitted videos, which should be good for a laugh. There’s no one on earth who wants to see this thing, via ad sales*, help MC get out of the $14 million in debt he got himself into in the mid-late ‘90s more than us but our inner cynical asshole is skeptical. We don’t disagree that Mr. Hammer inhales and exhales “this stuff,” and we’ll note that someone we work with has been waiting for what feels like years for a site to come along that will show the unwashed masses proper “Hands Up (Give Me Your Heart)” technique so he can “stop going to weddings and Bar Mitzvahs and watching people fumble around and fuck it up.” But other than that co-worker, who we like to call “Ron Blarney,” and a few sick freaks who get off on watching strangers look like idiots on the internet, who’s going to use this thing? And, more to the point, can any of these amateurs top this?