Another round of layoffs at UBS is underway today, according to a person familiar with the situation. The asset management and wealth management units are said to be on the chopping block. Investment banking is also expecting cuts.

Oddly enough, the municipal bond unit, which is reportedly set to be shuttered by UBS, has been asked to "hold on" as the bank attempts to see if there are any buyers for the business, according to our source.

UBS could not immediately be reached for comment on the job cuts.

It’s a story that’s now all too familiar. A young Wall Street hopeful begins a promising career only to find that its been cut short by a sinking economy and Wall Street losses. Here’s how Jeffrey Martz begins telling his story to the readers of the New York Times business section.

On Monday, Nov. 5, the New York press reported that a prestigious Wall Street house -- that happened to be my employer -- intended to lay off two-thirds of its investment banking staff of about 120. Since I was one of the last people to arrive and because big corporations tend to handle their personnel by the last-in-first-out method, it occurred to me that I would be smart to stand near the elevator. This prediction turned out to be accurate and on Wednesday, Nov. 7, my successful, but truncated Wall Street career of 61 days -- including three working Sundays -- came to an end.

Martz explains how he was fired by the head of the financial strategies group, who refused to look him in the eye until they shook hands for the final farewell. And from that moment on he saw not one of his supervisors nor any the folks who had recruited him to the firm, except for one accidental encounter as he packed up his belongings.

Martz, however, was fired not on Wednesday, November 7, 2007. He was fired on Wednesday, November 7, 1990. We found the story deep in the archives of the New York Times business section. It's somewhat heartening to remember that we've been through all this before. What would be even more encouraging would be if we could find out what ever happened to the then-young Martz. But after extensive investigation, we haven't found the guy. Anyone know where Martz is?*

*We're hoping he Googles himself frequently enough to find out that his story is once again being told. Hey, Martz, get in touch. tips@dealbreaker.com.

My 61-Day Career on Wall Street [New York Times]

Speaking of blind men, Governor Patterson’s budget office doesn’t think things on Wall Street will be that bad, at least compared to Mayor Bloomberg’s budget office.* Budgeteers in Albany and City Hall are both warning of fiscal calamity but Bloomberg’s are far gloomier than Patterson’s, the New York Sun reports.
City officials are far more focused on Wall Street than state officials, in part because Wall Street accounts for far larger percentage of city revenues than state revenues.

A key difference, [city officials] said, was the city's assumption of a decline this year in Wall Street bonuses per employee, and also its anticipation of a greater number of Wall Street layoffs. The mayor's office is anticipating that Wall Street will shed 25,000 jobs over the next two years, causing wages to fall more steeply.

Our reaction to this news was: only 25,000? That number seems far too low. A recent study from the New York state Department of Labor puts the possible job cuts on Wall Street at 36,000 employees, which is around one fifth of its entire work force. That 20% figure is also what the Wall Street Journal reported Wall Street executives were predicting in March.

In short, even the pessimists sound a bit too optimistic.

City, State Gap Emerges on Pessimism [New York Sun]

* Editor note: Yesterday a cyclone joke. Today a crack about the blindness of blind men. We’re definitely going to Hell for this.

It seems my background check, part of my new-hire process, has pulled up some flags. My postings here on DealBreaker will, therefore, not appear in my name. Whoever that woman in the back office is, she won't add my name to the system until the little issue with the FBI is resolved, so in the meantime I'll just have to make do with this somewhat crippled account.

The great binge-purge cycle of investment bank human resources has drawn, it seems, into its second half. (Maybe we laid off completed a headcount reduction in our IT group this week and no one told me). Be that as it may, I happened across a recent victim of the vomitous expulsion of bankers onto the porcelain sidewalks of Wall Street, and took some time to interrogateinterview the poor soul.

10:49:58 AM equityprivate: I've always been curious about this big bank layoffs and the process. How did you find out? Was it a "pink slip" literally or what?

10:51:27 AM FormerBBEmployee: They call you into a private area, away from where you normally work, and explain what's happened. As for the pink slip, not at all. It's a packet of information that details what you get for being canned.

10:52:26 AM equityprivate: A packet? Like the reverse of a "New Hire" packet? What's in it?

10:53:08 AM FormerBBEmployee: Actually, it is similar to a new hire packet. It goes into what money they owe you, benefits, contacts in H.R. ... Of course, there is no mention of anything being "at will" ...

10:53:44 AM equityprivate: So, there is a... what... printout of what the bank thinks it owes you?

10:54:26 AM FormerBBEmployee: Even better. A legal document they want you to sign. It says what you get, what you get if you sign, and what you were getting.

10:54:49 AM equityprivate: That's insidious.

(See the rest after the jump)

Goldman Sachs, which announced this morning that it made $1.5 billion last quarter, has quietly been telling some employees to prepare for another round of layoffs. The job cuts are scheduled for mid-April, and will include some senior positions which have not been large cash generators, according to a person familiar with the matter. Goldman, which has weathered the storm of the credit crunch better than many competitors, has not had anywhere near the level of job cuts that rival firms, such as Lehman Brothers, have had.

Goldman Sachs was not asked to confirm this report.

Goldman Sachs Asset Management recently fired about twenty people from two teams managing Global Alpha and Global Equity Opportunities and, according to Charlton Heston, the victims were the analysts who "do all the actual work," as opposed to names slightly higher on the roster who, beyond being involved in poor day-to-day decision making, do jack and cost a ton to employ. If you want to be all cynical you could chalk the canning methodology up to the groups (and GS at large and, you know, the entire Street) being boys clubs whose members have each others' backs and who won't let their brohamsters get fired for petty little things like shitty performances, and I guess if you're looking at it like that, then, yeah, it seems kind of bad. But that's because you're looking at it all wrong-- these firings actually cast GSAM in a positive light, because they underscore the division's commitment, above all, and at all times, to lose as much money as possible. Getting rid of co-head Peter Kraus the other day doesn't really seem in line with the aformentioned bottom line, so tut tut there, but we cross our fingers that his replacement will be paid more for less competence. I don't think we need to tell you who's in total agreement on this one:

A friend o' the fired fills us in:

"It's more than just a hiring freeze - yesterday in IBD an MD, VP, and Associate were shown the door in Industrials and two Associates were canned in NR."

Dear Employee of Bank of America:

Based on your annual earnings, you may be eligible to receive the Earned Income Tax Credit (EITC) from the federal government. The EITC is a refundable federal income tax credit for low income working individuals and families. The EITC has no effect on certain welfare benefits. In most cases, the EITC payments will not be used to determine eligibility for Medicaid, supplemental security income, food stamps, low income housing or most temporary assistance for needy families payments....

Bank of America Personnel Center

Our favorite Swiss bank lost a ton o’ money and now a few people are saying layoffs are on the way, two of whom are employees hoping a last second admission of boyhood crushes on Adolf will save their asses (it would help if they could get their hands on a copy of a little indie porno called “Hitler Sucks,” which actually casts the guy in a pretty flattering light). Another soldier in Marcel Rohner’s employ sees things differently, asking, “I don't know if you've noticed but UBS really doesn't fire anyone ('cept Jews). I mean look at our losses and layoffs comped to ml, ms, etc.” Love the detached confidence, which should serve him well down at the unemployment office. Either way I think you should a. Keep us abreast of the situation and b. Check out this musical clip, which I think might help thing a little if not a lot.

A former Countrywide employee informs us that Capital Market layoffs began this morning, with a 30-35 percent reduction in CMBS and 10 percent on the RMBS sales/trading desk. Packages were predictably weak (approximately 3 months on average with bonus allocations from 2007 ranging from 40-60 percent of the prior year, plus one free pass to the Hollywood Tans of their choice), but surveyed to be "better than ML and CS" (and, one hopes, BoA). He didn't make mention of the larger issues-- specifically, being burdened with the task of finding a new employer who furnishes the office with tanning beds instead of desks, and generally, how it'll feel to no longer bask in the reflected glow of the big guy, but we'll check back in a few days, when the shock's worn off, and reality's set in. And by reality setting in, we mean the recognition that each and everyone one of them played a small part in the historic effort of rooking millions of homeowners and investors -- but the spoonful of sugar is that many deserved it. Good luck with your conscience. And the melonoma.

We’ve gotten to the bottom of the rumors we were following up on this morning about the rumored layoffs at Goldman Sachs. It turns out our skepticism was justified. There have not been across the board cuts at Goldman, and certainly not the type of layoffs we’ve seen at places like Citigroup and Bank of America.

But people are weeping into their keyboards, and a spat of “this is my last day at the firm” emails have been flying through 85 Broad Street today. This is the result of Goldman’s recently completed annual review process in which the people who come out in the bottom 5% are given a stern talking to and often leave the firm. Those in the dead pool have just been given notice—thus the resulting heartbreak, tears, rage and strangely dispassionate emails.

We hear that Cowen & Company has quietly been making cuts to its investment banking units. Like many financials, shares of Cowen & Company have suffered tremendously in the past year. It is down 52% over the past 12 months, worse even than Bear Stearns. A source told DealBreaker that the investment bank had cut several bankers in their consumer division a few weeks ago. Further cuts have also been made in the healthcare group and bankers in the technology group have been quietly informed they should begin looking for new jobs, according to the source.

Cowen & Company could not immediately be reached for comment.

Important Update: Further news arrives on the folks let go from Cowen & Company. According to another source familiar with the matter, the people shown the exit were very junior people who were let go because they were not performing up to expectations.

Also, some readers have protested that this item implied a direct connection between the price of the stock and the layoffs. Perish the thought. We intended no such thing. But we did believe that readers would be interested in hearing how C&C's stock was doing these days.

Layoffs have begun to hit Bank of America. On yesterday's earnings call, Bank of America's chief financial officer said that the bank is planning layoffs in its corporate and investment-banking unit. Now we are hearing reports from a variety of sources that the layoffs are underway.

Last week, Bank of America announced it would cut 650 new job reductions. The bank has been conducting a strategic review and reportedly concluded that it should largely exit the investment banking business. The banks has announced 3,650 layoffs since October but more are expected.

On yesterday's call, CFO Joe Price said units that have been particularly hard hit by the credit crunch would see further layoffs. The capital markets and advisory group was named specifically.

"The headcount reductions will include the 650 front-office associates we announced last week, and there will be infrastructure reductions to come as well," Price said.

Got the inside scoop? Send more details to tips@dealbreaker.com or leave a comment below.

The much anticipated new round of layoffs of Merrill Lynch began this morning, according to people familiar with the matter. We hear that Merrill began firing people starting at 7 am on the trading floor. The deepest cuts have been concentrated in FICC. In all, 1,600 positions said to be on the chopping block.

“Packages suck,” says one of those familiar people. “Three months pay and a $25,000 bonus from analyst to MD.”

Of course, Charlie Gasparino has been reporting exactly the 1,600 figure since like last week and yesterday said the cuts would come today. Score another one for Chucky Gees.

The cute sounding spokeswoman for Merrill declined to comment and nearly put us to sleep by talking about how "material disclosures" would be made according to regulations about financial disclosures.

About a year ago, management decided to fire a bad trader. Unfortunately, one MD thought that another MD fired him and the other MD thought that one fired him. So, no one told him. Then, one day, he shows up for work and his key card didn't work to get into the building. He talked to security, and they let him up. Then, he couldn't log on to his computer. So, he called IT, and they told him he no longer works for us.

Earlier: Layoffs Watch ’08 Update: Citi CDO In '07

Specifically today, and apparently “almost everyone” in New York, which we’re told means more than forty. At this time I would like to offer our condolences to the recent unemployed, but move that we use this opportunity to recall that yesterday, I said we needed to get more creative with how people are getting fired. I came up with a few out of the box ideas (“A game of Assassin,” “turn off all the lights for five minutes and let everyone slap whoever they can at will/random. When the lights come on, the people with the reddest faces should be fired,” “something having to do with a lethal strain of syphilis (the rule is it can't be treated)”), then asked you to come up with your own. No one did and today, those poor kids at Citi were probably brought into some random conference room and told how valuable they are but at this time don’t fit into the bottom line blah blah blah while a chick from HR passed out tissues. Who do they have to thank for that run of the mill, nothing special send off? You. And now you have to live with that.

But! There are so many more layoffs to come, and not just at Citi. What I’m saying is, if you don’t want next week's or next month's lame-ass, “you're a valuable asset to the team but management is restructuring the amount of retards they have working for them*” firings on your conscience, get off your asses and do something.

Earlier: Layoffs Watch '08: Citigroup

If We're Going To Do This, Why Not Have Some Fun With It?

*actually, that’s quite good, though unlikely, except at Bear, where they have no regard for the mentally disabled.

I can't be the only one who read the article in today's Wall Street Journal about a group of competitive knitters who are currently engaging in an Assassin-like game but with needles and yarn and thought:

1. Is it possible that this is only appearing on Page One in my copy?

2. The day I start knitting is the day I ask you to put a gun in my mouth. Don't pull the trigger but just put it in long enough so I can taste the metal and the fear.

3. The day I start knitting as a competitive sport is the day I ask you to (pick one) put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger, waterboard me, sell me to the Triad's human trafficking ring, set me on fire and put out the flames just prior to death but after 99% of my body's surface area is turned to scar tissue, push me off a cliff.

4. Wouldn't a game of Assassin be a genius (and fun!) way to decide who gets laid off from all these banks? Think about it: performance, what is that? It's very hard to quantify. Also, it must be really hard for some managers to pick who shall live and who shall die. This takes the guess work out. Finally, it's just a straight-up awesome game. Granted, all the times I've played I haven't been fighting to keep my job but a higher stakes game would make it all the more exciting!

Anyway, I'm just knocking around ideas re: more creative ways to get rid of people. Another one is to turn off all the lights for five minutes and let everyone slap whoever they can at will/random. When the lights come on, the people with the reddest faces should be fired. And maybe one having to do with a lethal strain of syphilis (the rule is it can't be treated), but that would probably take too long. Surely you people can do better.

Sock It to Me: Competitive Knitters Get Deadly Serious [WSJ]

That's right, I said '08. The Land o' Vikram is said to be postponing its axings until the second week of January, just before bonuses are announced, though decisions regarding who will soon be signing up for Chuck Prince's "Fired By Citi? You Are Not Alone: A Daily E-mail" have apparently already been made (if he breaks 10,000 subscribers...nothing worth noting will happen). Managers supposedly handed over the names of people in their respective groups who are going down for the dirt nap last week, so if you're reading this and think you might be one of them, I guess it's too late to do anything about it and you might as well keep doing what you're doing, i.e. reading Dealbreaker and chillaxing in general (we've got some great FBN Happy Hour clips coming up this afternoon, if that's something that interests you, and if not, there's always backdating and proxy access to look forward to).

In an effort to "best position Bear Stearns for 2008 and beyond," which is the year it plans to "really start making this thing work," the securities firm will be laying off 650 employees. Ex-Bears will be given (probably uncompetitive) severance, benefits (that don't include dental) and outplacement services (with the majority of firees expected to land on their feet working as editors on the Think Equity blog).* In a remarkable show of compassion, James Cayne is said to have sent out a desperate e-mail to the members of the board early this morning, urging them to reconsider the drastic measure, on account of the fact that the staff reduction would translate to much fewer people for him to go in on 1/8ths with, and in Jimbo's words, "I don't have that kind of money right now." After being reminded that the layoffs had been an idea he had come up with on his own, after returning from a super frustrating smoking session in which he got a measly two hits before the spliff ran out because there were "like 30 people there" and "some first year fuck kept Bogarting the shit," Cayne, who had to read the reply six times before being able to process the information, responded, "Oh yeah. Ok, fuck it, get rid of them."

Bear Stearns Cuts 4 Percent of Staff [AP]

*actually, we don't know if any of these specs are true, we're just assuming. Got any info? Feel free to share.