Not since Belushi doing Joe Cocker has there been a better parody of a musical performer than Britney Spears doing a parody of Britney Spears during last night’s VMAs.

The VMAs have become so irrelevant that we need to remind you that they stand for MTV’s annual Video Music Awards. Once heavily promoted and occasionally watched, the VMAs represent one of the saddest whimpers of a dying network (in its current incarnation, before they redefine the “M,” ditch most of the current platform, and try to emerge as something that people will watch).

If MTV would have only been more explicit about when the huge celebutard train wrecks were occurring, people might have tuned in. Although Kid Rock punching Tommy Lee – did we even care five years ago? MTV could air Viacom lawsuits and have a more interesting (and probably higher rated) televised feud.

As the Times points out, more people will watch Britney’s shame spiral on YouTube than on TV, which must be a bitter pill to swallow for Viacom. Shares of Viacom are down over a half percent despite the boost in network web traffic.

Britney vs. Belushi, after the jump…

‘Post’ Wins in Brit Bash Battle [Daily Intelligencer]

There can be only one "ulu!" We gave the brain trust at NBC and NewsCorp some well-deserved flack over the decision to name their $1 billion video content portal "Hulu" after an inexplicable multi-month nomenclatural funk and near-extinction of Fantasia (or Fantastica) from the all-consuming Nothing. It seems Lulu is equally perplexed by the decision, and the one letter difference between the new name and its own. Lulu is suing Hulu (if litigatory karma exists, NBC and NewsCorp are right under Viacom in the pecking order of companies that need to be sued). Here's more, from the Post:

Hulu.com, NBC Universal and News Corp.'s soon-to-launch video Web site, has been slapped with a trademark infringement lawsuit by Lulu Enterprises for picking a name too similar to its own. Lulu, which controls the Web sites lulu.com and lulu.tv and specializes in digital self-publishing services for budding filmmakers, musicians and authors, claims in a suit filed in federal court in Raleigh, N.C., that NBC and News Corp.'s decision to name their service Hulu represents an intentional attempt to create confusion in the marketplace and an encroachment on its business.

Do the Zulus have enough lawyers on hand to enter the fray? We hear creator god Nkulunkulu is especially pissed, but is not really an interventionist when it comes to human affairs.

HULLABALOO OVER HULU [New York Post]

You know a product is failing when it loses its all important “verb replacement” status. For example, in the fledgling days of inclusive DVR cable packages, we would still say we were Tivo-ing something. Tivo’s emergence as a verb was a combination of a good product name, good marketing (for the opposite of this, see Hulu) and a rooting interest in the ingenuity of a small-ish company stealing thunder from the cable giants.

Since its methodical destruction by the cable giants (wait, you mean I don’t have to connect this awkwardly to a land line, I don’t need another box, and I don’t have to pay a large upfront fee for the box?) the fickle TV-viewing public acquiesced, and begrudgingly de-verbed Tivo. Now that the cable giants got us all hooked in on the cheap paying an extra monthly sub fee, they’re starting to raise rates accordingly, and we “DVR” our favorite shows.

Tivo is taking a hit today, down almost 10%, based on the following, from Seeking Alpha:

There are several factors at work in today’s slide. For one thing, revenue came up short of expectations - and so did guidance for the fiscal third quarter. For another, the company took an unexpected $11.2 million inventory writedown for standard definition DVRs, a casualty of its shift to a focus on high-definition DVRs. The company also suffered a net loss of 19,00 “TiVo owned” subscribers, disappointing investors who had expected to see at least a modest increase in subs.

There is some potential sunshine amidst the Tivo gloom - with the comapny's new focus on HD-DVR and a Comcast New England deal expected to start rolling out in September. For now, the bears are feeding.

It’s almost always a smart play to bet on verbs. You knew Google reached ubiquity when people started using Google as a verb, and this happened well before the IPO. Yahoo never became a verb, and is trying desperately to reposition itself in the tech space. Facebook has been annointed verb status, while leaving behind MySpace in the predicate race. Clearly the long bet is on facebook. Also – does anyone say they “Xeroxed” something still? It seems the world has quietly gone back to saying they “copy” things again.

TiVo Slides on Weak Revenue, Subscriber Losses [Seeking Alpha]

Summer ratings are out, defined by Nielsen in this instance as the period between 5/24 and 8/22. The ratings are as mystifying as ever, showing a large contingent of people who voluntarily watch CBS programming. CBS has 5 out of the top ten most watched summer series, while FOX has 3, NBC has 2 and ABC laid a summer ratings goose-egg (people were apparently out trying to find their own McDreamy rather than watching him bed an entire hospital staff).

The real story is CBS actually having viewers. They’re out there, among us. They look just like you and me. “He seemed like a normal guy,” the neighbor’s testimonial always says, “I couldn’t tell he watched the King of Queens.”

Who watches CBS? Is it an AARP thing? Is it a Blue/Red state thing? Do CBS viewers have the super-power that they able to tell which cable boxes are Nielsen boxes? We’re desperately trying to understand, as no one we’ve ever met watches programming on CBS, or will admit to doing so. In fact, no one we’ve ever met has ever met anyone who watches CBS programming. In fact, knowing someone who watches CBS has become more novel or hip than having a gay, disabled, terminally ill or concert zitherist friend. It’s a defining characteristic, “Oh yeah, you remember Jim, the one who watches CBS...”

Aside from the four simultaneous versions of CSI that CBS runs (we weren’t aware the CSI franchise was this out of control - it's only a matter of time before they come out with CSI:CBS or CSI:CSI (chronicling crimes that happen only on the set of CSIs)), another permanent fixture in the top ten is Two and a Half Men. A funny drinking game to play when watching Two and a Half Men (the same went doubly for Everybody Loves Violently Bleeding From The Ears Raymond) is to do a shot every time the “This Laughter Is Bringing Me To Orgasm” laugh track plays after a non-event (DB does not endorse or sponsor this activity, as you will die). It’s amazing – they’ve almost effectively replaced actual jokes and punch-lines with cuing the laugh track (unless there’s something about Charlie Sheen raising an eyebrow that I’m missing).

One promising trend in the summer ratings was the demise of reality shows, as viewers are finally starting to realize that “professional” reality show auditioners/contestants are way more annoying than real actors, although the only difference is the networks’ own forced semantic finagling. Unfortunately reality shows have been displaced with American Idol style programming, which cannot die fast enough (although we always marvel over how airtight the contracts and release forms people sign to get on these shows must be, since no one ever comes out and talks about how ridiculously scripted they are).

Television: Stat Snapshot [Wall Street Journal]

PS - We occasionally watch How I Met Your Mother

DealBreaker’s probing coverage into the search for a name of News Corp and NBC Universal’s online video JV is over. The two companies finally put that billion dollar brain-trust to work and came up with a name that is bound to draw viewers and admirers alike.

The winner – Hulu. Hulu. We’re serious. Hulu – the result of a five month search. Hulu – when you get punched while trying to say the word “Hula.” Hulu – the lieutenant commander of the Enterprise when everyone has a cold. Hulu – how George Bush mispronounces the first two syllables of the folksy word “hullabaloo.”

It took the ad wizards five months to “capture” the spontaneity and child-friendly assonance of hip techie names like Lala, Tinkie-Winkie, Joost, Wii, WiiWii, Yahoo, Belo, PooPoo, Lyondell Chemical Company and Fuchs Petrolub AG*.

Conclusion - Either the marketing team is borderline retarded or it took Rupert this long to shout “Hulu” out his window during a storm in which he thought the Nothing was consuming the remnants of Fantastica and the Ivory Tower in which the childlike empress resides (which has been our theory all along).

The new site is going to begin invitation-only beta testing in just two short months. It is expected to launch in 2130.

News Corp and NBC Universal name video site Hulu [Yahoo Finance]

*There is a company that makes lubricants called Fuchs (we had to reprint it to believe it)

GE (NYSE: GE) is up 0.36% on the news that NBC is going to start airing a revamped version of American Gladiators. The new show will be produced by MGM TV (which produced the original) and Reveille. NBC Entertainment co-chair Ben Silverman began working on the project while still at Reveille.

The new version of the show will feature “21st Century Twists” including BackStories ™, which weren’t invented until the late 90s). From Variety:

This time, in a new wrinkle, the players will be given the opportunity to train for their match -- and viewers will be given a glimpse of their personalities prior to the actual competish (Competish…Variety is just so presh!).

The original show was on for seven seasons from 1989-1996 (almost no one (outside of the Castro) remembers Malibu (pictured) who debuted in season one and never came back for season two, or Sunny (yes, there was a Gladiator named Sunny) who got injured during the semis and never returned).

The new show will have four male and four female gladiators. Here they are, revamped for the 21st century:

Male
1. Freedom
2. Bling
3. Subprime
4. Biodiesel

Female
1. Katrina
2. Slut
3. Zirconium
4. XXY

After the jump one of the most amazing things you will watch in the next 10 minutes:

NBC pumps up for 'Gladiators' redo [Variety]

Just as MTV officially debates what its "M" really stands for (front-runner: Meaningless, although a close second is Mutilation, if you have ever suffered through Scarred), as people (15 years ago) were just starting to catch on to the fact that MTV doesn't play music anymore, not that the sound of a 16-year old's shrieks over getting a Lexus instead of a Mercedes aren't melodic. It was a good ploy while it lasted MTV, but you're still totally (15 years ago) hip to the vernac of the nation's youth, thanks to new strategic initiatives.

MTV is figuring that it's time to take its brand into the next...7 minute commercial break, but take it there strong. That's why MTV is using $500 million dollars of daddy Viacom's allowance to develop video games, because that's what those crazy kids are playing now (15 years ago). Viacom also gave younger sibling Nickelodeon $100 million to buy a Super NES and get back to them on this new craze.

The cruel irony is that there are hugely popular games on the market now (Guitar Hero, even DDR and other rhythm games) that with any ingenuity or foresight MTV should have come up with or developed cross-promotional ties with years ago, instead of just catching on last year. MTV tried to cover its late jump last year by scooping up Harmonix, makers of DDR, Guitar Hero and one of our old favorites PaRappa the Rapper. Always finding ways to keep a franchise fresh, with MTV's help the next Guitar Hero is going to let you shred to Ryan Cabrera. Now we're stuck with reality show fatigue, a dying channel/brand, and a forthcoming PS3 title "Attention Seeker 4: Call of Duty" where you can make your own virtual Real World audition tapes.

MTV commits $500 million to games [ValleyWag]

Is credit card theft so easy a cat—and a slacker cat at that—could do it? That’s what the Walt Disney Company, whose stock plummeted 1 percent this morning to $33.95, is hoping. The company, best known for being the sick sadists who humanized mice and for its kid friendly G-rated films featuring highly aroused priests, is debuting its new animated series, “Slacker Cats,” on August 13, and running up thousands of dollars in charges at a the Pussycat Lounge on your AMEX is just one of the many ways Walt plans to stick its sword in the world of “outrage and grown-ups.”

Others include storylines featuring the cats at left taking bong hits, enjoying “kitty” porn, and manipulating the natural gas markets. Never to be outdone, Fox (+0.07 (0.33%)) announced plans to up the ante with its own new animal-centric show, “Fucking Pandas.” Episode 1: “Reverse Langone.”

“Slacker Cats” shake up Disney image [Reuters]

***UPDATE: Cumulus Media's $1.3 billion buyout offer from an investor group consisting of the company's CEO and Merrill PE peeps has sent shares (Nasdaq: CMLS) up over 30% and shares in the rest of the radio sector soaring. Cox is by far the greatest residual radio beneficiary, however, without necessarily the strongest fundamentals, leading one to think that something might be up.***

A reader tipped us off to the following - why on earth is Cox so huge this morning? Cox Radio (NYSE: CXR) is up over 9% on no available public information. The last major thing that happened to Cox is a BBB- Fitch rating and "positive" outlook a week and a half ago. The company is expected to release earnings on August 1.

Any insider traders want to throw us some scraps? Comment or tips at dealbreaker.com.

Cox Radio Climbs Above 50-Day Moving Average [TradingMarkets.com]
UPDATE: Cumulus Media In Pact For Sale To Investor Group [Dow Jones via CNN Money]

McClatchy still won't comment on its mysterious share price jump since the market opened on Wednesday. That's right, McClatchy won't comment on the dearth of company news, the kind of dearth that drives a share price up more than 4% at day's end. After retracting a bit this morning, McClatchy (NYSE: MNI) shares are up almost 1.5% today, nearing the midday peak of yesterday's surge. Granted, McClatchy reached a new 52 week low at market close on Tuesday, and has to double (almost) to reach its 52 week high, but publishing stocks have been hammered for a variety of legitimate reasons. McClatchy's sales are down 6% this year and ad revenue is down over 7%, like other publishers struggling to go digital.

The lead rumor is that McClatchy is planning to dump the rest of its stake in CareerBuilder. Still no word on who's pumping, and who's dumping?

Extra! Extra! McClatchy for sale? [Media Biz via CNN Money]

Hollywood has had a decent summer so far, amidst sequel saturation. Fortunately for the movie biz, the sequel influx has been void of any huge flops, although offerings have underperformed slightly.

Although the industry is still in denial about the margin squeeze created by the astronomical budgets of this round of sequels, without any major hitches, many insiders were still optimistic that Hollywood could have a record-breaking $4bn summer. That is until the cruel box-office foiling Deus Ex Machina of Evan Almighty flooded theaters last weekend.

Evan Almighty is the first real major studio flop of the summer. The Universal Pictures release cost over $175mm to make and brought in just $32mm in its opening weekend. Who would have thought that a film in which the US is subject to a Biblical style flood in which the majority of jokes consist of wacky CGI animal high jinks would fail?

The “Almighty” franchise’s first installment (Hurricane Katrina, according to Pat Robertson), Bruce Almighty, cost $84 but made $68mm on opening weekend and $242mm in domestic revenue at run’s end.

Universal can at least boast the one success of the summer with Knocked Up (containing a premise about as realistic as Evan Almighty), which cost less than $30 to make and has made $109mm in a month.

So far in 2007, Hollywood box-office revenue is up 3.5% on flat theater attendance, causing analysts to lower estimates of that record-breaking $4bn summer.

Third Time's No Charm For Summer Blockbusters [Wall Street Journal]

Jason Binn is a lot of things, the foremost being the owner of Niche Media, publisher of Gotham, Los Angeles Confidential, Capitol File, Hamptons, Boston Common, Aspen Peak, Mississippi Delta, Nodes of Scranton and other titles. The specific “Niche” is inanity, as Binn's magazines cover the cavorting and consumption of the wealthy.

Niche Media is set to merge with Las Vegas based Greenspun Media Group which publishes Vegas, Wynn, Venetian Style and Things You Didn’t Think Could Be Covered in Gold Monthly, and Ocean Drive Media Group which publishes Ocean Drive and Ocean Drive Espanol. The resulting media conglomerate will combine a bunch of regional media properties into a more national network of 16 publications with a circ of 750k and expected revenue of $100mm.

The real story here is not the new luxury media outlet but Jason Binn, who knows a lot of people and parties with them. Jason Binn doesn’t discriminate between old and new money, so he’s quite the innovator. His fame transcends mere hugs with John Lovitz (pictured) and knowing a bunch of other people in the publishing world. He has a laugh like Woody Woodpecker, he’s smallish in stature, he can’t say “no,” and his magazines “are less concerned with dour topics like income disparity than making sure you land on the right side of that divide,” all according to a severely man-crushing David Carr of the New York Times.

Carr compiles a list of Binnspired (if not Binnspirational) quotes:

“Watching him work a room is like watching Derek Jeter play baseball.” - Mark Edmiston, managing director of AdMedia Partners

“Jason Binn, you are a force of nature.” Cathleen Black, president of Hearst Magazines

“Jason is able to combine image, content and prestige, which is right up my alley.” – Benny Shabtai, president of Raymond Weil watches and owner of Di Modolo jewelers

“Jason has defined a place the publishing giants aren’t interested in, and he works it brilliantly. There is something very endearing about him — the chutzpah and lack of pretense.” – David Carey, president at Condé Nast and publishing director of Portfolio

“Jason Binn is the most overrated shortstop in publishing.” – Derek Jeter, New York Yankees

“Jason Binn raped me.” – Jar of Macadamia Nuts, room 528 mini-bar, Wynn Las Vegas Resort

Say ‘Cheese’ for the King of the A-List [New York Times]

Fox and CBS rejected a new Trojan commercial that has the audacity to suggest that people have sex with condoms in order to avoid pregnancy rather than die of Super AIDS. When you’re doing as well as the big networks, you can certainly afford to turn down those revenue streams. Fox actually admitted rejecting the ad for the aforementioned reason, while CBS was more vague about how the ad was inappropriate “even with late-night-only restrictions.” Here’s the ad, created by the Kaplan Thaler Group:

For those of you on networks with firewalls tighter than CBS margins, the commercial features anthropomorphic pigs hitting on girls at a bar. One little piggy goes to a bathroom machine to procure a Trojan condom and turns into humanized hot stuff that blondes want to have sex with. The tagline is “Evolve. Use a condom every time.” Fox and CBS disagree. One Fox exec commented:

We simply did not want this ad to air because of insurmountable logistical problems. For starters, pigs have these really long corkscrew shaped members, which no Trojan condom is equipped to sheath. No, not even a Magnum. Also, female pigs can have up to 30 minute orgasms, which is a completely unrealistic expectation for any male. Besides, have you seen Knocked Up? When you’re not disease-ridden, there’s no reason to use a condom. Babies are precious.

Not all television execs had the same reaction, and the new ad will air on ABC, NBC, MTV, Comedy Central, Adult Swim and other cable networks. Fox and CBS did not reject Trojan’s prior campaign, which took a “people who have sex outside of wedlock probably have HIV unknowingly so you should wrap it up” angle.

Ads that suggest that people occasionally have sex in non-missionary positions for non-procreative purposes are having a tough time airing, unlike shows that encourage infidelity and promiscuity like Fox’s “Temptation Island.” The 2004 Viagra campaign that featured the tagline “Remember when you used to be called Wild Thing?” was pulled by Pfizer after criticism from the FDA. The FDA said the ads were misleading consumers into thinking that Viagra gives you super huge rock hard erections instead of helping the balance of old men.

Trojan commands 75% of the $416mm annual condom market. Yes, sadly (especially given how expensive the things are!) the condom market is only $416mm and only 1 in 4 sex acts involve one.

Pigs With Cellphones, but No Condoms [New York Times]

Yet.

Homer Plackmeyer, 102, takes his job as paperboy seriously [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]

The FCC in recent years has tried to implement a no tolerance policy when it comes to network and affiliate on-air expletives, with the number of violations and fines reaching a peak in 2004 when networks were fined almost $8mm.

The debate came into focus when a US soldier stationed in Iraq swore on the air during a broadcast... no, actually that happened on Studio 60 (damn your apt social commentary Sorkin!). No, actually that happened in real life (damn you ripping off what happens in real life Sorkin!) when PBS decided to show the documentary Operation Homecoming: writing the wartime experience, laden with obscenities that US soldiers who appear in the film use to describe their experiences in Iraq.

Another "highlight" in the reel of FCC violations is when Bono swore at the 2004 Golden Globes, in an incident that wasn't fined but used by the FCC as a springboard to fine anyone who can't hit the high note in "I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For," but can still hit the middle C in f*ck.

The networks recently challenged FCC profanity rules, claiming that inadvertent profanity didn't violate decency standards. A panel of the US Court of Appeals for the Second Circuit in New York ruled in favor of the networks and stated that the FCC didn't articulate a reason for amping up the profanity patrol. The FCC, and Jesus, are upset, while the networks, especially Fox, are celebrating, according to the Wall Street Journal:

Fox Broadcasting Corp., a News Corp. unit, said it was "very pleased" with the court's decision. "Viewers should be allowed to determine for themselves and their families, through the many parental control technologies available, what is appropriate viewing for their home," Fox said in a statement.

Broadcasters Win Profanity Ruling [Wall Street Journal]

CBS has always had a crush on Time Warner's CNN, but the network's overtures have always been brushed off, after sending several "Do you like me? Circle one:" notes in the past. CBS just sent another note, and Time Warner circled the same response, and even underlined it for emphasis. CBS tag-teamers Sumner Redstone and Leslie Moonves talked about how CNN would look nice in CBS blue at the annual shareholder meeting. A Time Warner spokesperson issued the following response, "CNN is not for sale and is doing very well as part of Time Warner. Please suck it." Struck by Fox envy, the last time CBS made a push for CNN was in 2003.

If there's no chance of an acquisition happening, why did CBS float the idea? According to media investor Harold Vogel, "It's a trial balloon to see if anyone bites on the idea; they're shaking the tree a bit." The most recent public proclamation of CNN love may be CBS' way of waving the white flag after the failure of the "Couric is magic" news revitalization strategy. From Variety:

With "The Early Show" averaging 3 million viewers and "Evening News With Katie Couric" last week dipping below 6 million, it's more difficult than ever for the Eye to establish its own next generation of stars to replace Bob Schieffer, Leslie Stahl and company.

CBS still pondering CNN pairing [Variety Business]

Viacom, already suing YouTube for $1bn, spends $100k a month on a proprietary content task force, and even more time whining to the media about it. The task force's mission is to find Viacom content on YouTube, tell YouTube about it, and wait until YouTube takes the clip down. Then Viacom slams the door to its room several times so you know it's mad. Pretty imposing.

This is the latest ignominy in a long, degrading fall for Old Media (along with the release of the networks' fall lineups which just came out...ouch), and has to be indicative of how little Google is actually worried about the $1bn lawsuit. Rushing to lose the online sharing ratings race, NBC Universal spends $1mm a month on its own anti-piracy efforts, and several other Old Media outlets have dedicated teams of people hired to throw proprietary content sharing hissy-fits. CBS has hired David Caruso to look for YouTube violations full time from his fictitious Miami residence.

YouTube, instead of implementing a permanent video filtering or flagging technology, has a team, called SQUAD (Safety Quality User Advocacy Department) that takes all the clip violation requests with a straight face, unable to fathom how impotent the Old Media companies are. Such technology isn't a stretch, as MySpace already has a video fingerprinting technology in place that prevents flagged content from reappearing on the site.

The YouTube Police [BusinessWeek]

Penthouse International settled with the SEC yesterday, over charges of accounting fraud and financial reporting violations. Of course Penthouse settled without admitting any wrongdoing, like improperly booking a $1 million payment from a Web site management agreement as revenue or changing a quarterly loss to a net profit in the 2003 first quarter 10-Q. Penthouse would file for Chapter 11 later that year.

Former exec and shareholder Charles Samel and Jason Galanis agreed to pay $60k for allegedly using a fake e-signature of former CEO Bob Guccione to meet SarbOx requirements.

Penthouse settles accounting fraud case with SEC [Reuters]

Time Warner pulled the trigger and fired HBO CEO Chris Albrecht, several days after he kicked the crap out of his girlfriend after a boxing match. His excuse - alcoholism (oh, well in that case..). Unfortunately for Nelson, his girlfriend has now won the fight by unanimous decision. HBO COO Bill Nelson will serve as the interim chief until a replacement is found. Time Warner did not issue any statements comparing itself to the Sioux nation, which apparently was much more respectful towards women. Shares of Time Warner fell 21 cents yesterday, and are already down almost half a percent today.

Time Warner Fires HBO Chief Three Days After Arrest [Bloomberg]

Old Media is firing its arrows at Google at the 56th annual National Cable & Telecommunications Association conference. Trying to convince the public that Old Media has a leg up on the internets and wireless providers, execs got a little carried away. There was a lot to celebrate - from proprietary content lawsuits to the fragmentation of any sort of media-sharing portal (if audiences are going to shrink, at least let them be disparate!). Most of all, there was melodrama, as Old Media is a bit touchy when it comes to people predicting its defenestration by New Media platforms. From a Reuters story:

"The Googles of the world, they are the Custer of the modern world. We are the Sioux nation," Time Warner Inc. Chief Executive Richard Parsons said, referring to the Civil War American general George Custer who was defeated by Native Americans in a battle dubbed "Custer's Last Stand".

Unless Old Media plans to get its revenge on New Media in the gaming sector 100 years from now, maybe comparisons to the triumph of the American Indian are ill-conceived.

Shares of Time Warner (NYSE: TWX) are down over 1% today after a decent run-up in May so far (up 6%).

Old media turns combative against new media [Reuters]