Mergers & Acquisitions

“She needs cold and flu medicine, YESTERDAY”

I have always been amused at the amazingly dense attempts by FedEx competitors to emulate the pure genius that is the essence of modern speed and efficiency. Or, it could just be that I love the old Federal Express commercials.
So, the news that DHL is planning to put a bunch of locations in Walgreens around the country, well, it just makes me laugh. Kind of loudly. Try it yourself by acting out these parts:
Somewhere in Memphis:
FedEx Executive: “So, where might you be where you suddenly need to ship a document with all speed and haste to a critical location?”
FedEx Junior Executive: “The financial printers?”
FedEx Junior Executive 2: “Your accountant’s office?”
FedEx Junior Executive 3: “Your divorce attorney’s office?”
FedEx Junior Executive 4: “Kinkos?”
FedEx Executive (suddenly to Junior Executive 4): “My god, that’s BRILLIANT man!”
Somewhere in Bonn, Germany:
DHL Executive: “Zo, vere might vone be wann zuddenly to ship dokuments schnell need?”
DHL Junior Executive: “Zee dry kleeners?”
DHL Junior Executive 2: “Zee Bahnhof?”
FedEx Junior Executive 3: “Zee Post?”
FedEx Junior Executive 4: “Zee Apotheke?”
All in unison (suddenly to Junior Executive 4): “Ja- KLAR!”
DHL to Offer Kiosks at Walgreens In Major Expansion for Shipper [WSJ]

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Crab Hands Jr. Is Off The Market

schwarzmanmarriage.jpgStephen and Ellen Schwarzman’s son, Edward “Teddy” Schwarzman, was married off Saturday evening to Ellen Maria Zajac, daughter of Ellen and John Zajac. (Ellen DeGeneres performed a couple of sets during cocktail hour and just before the cutting of the cake, and Ellen Barkin sat at table 19. Over dinner, someone mentioned something about Teddy finally fulfilling his life-long dream of marrying a woman with the same name as his favorite actress, Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo.) So sad and, yet, kind of meh (call us when Daniel Loeb’s unborn son is no longer available, then we’ll be upset. NB: Carney does not share the indifference. When I’m finished with this, I’ll go try and talk him off the ledge). One DealBreaker spy in attendance for the nuptials reports that “there were fireworks after dessert” and talk that Schwarzman junior had been encouraged to “marry for money,” on account of the family business falling on hard times.
Ellen Zajac and Teddy Schwarzman [NYT]

  • 10 Jul 2007 at 12:56 PM
  • Chicago

Exchange Love Triangle: Chicago Exchanges to Merge

Chicago Board of Trade 2.jpgChicago Board of Trade shareholders accepted an $11.8bn merger proposal from the Chicago Mercantile Exchange yesterday, ending nine months of negotiations and an unremitting rival bid from IntercontinentalExchange. The results of yesterday’s shareholder vote, which will create the world’s largest futures exchange, were announced simultaneously by CBOT and CME last night.
CME Group will come into being next year and, continuing the industry’s amalgamative trend, is likely to pursue exchanges in New York and London.
Left out in the cold after an expensive campaign for CBOT, ICE is now a potential takeover target for New York Stock Exchange Euronext, Bloomberg News reports. According to Will Vicars, director of Caledonia Investments, NYSE Euronext’s “modus operandi to date has been acquisitions, and I think that will probably continue.”
Chicago Exchange Merger May Bring More Deals [Dealbook]
CME Acquisition of CBOT Turns Nymex, ICE Into Takeover Targets [Bloomberg]
CBOT-CME Is Done, at Last [Wall Street Journal]
CME and CBOT Shareholders Approve Merger [Chicago Board of Trade]

I have the, slightly more, power!

he-man.jpg Jonathan Gundy left a top position at Morgan Stanley’s power group for a top position at Merrill Lynch’s power group where he will presumably have, more power. Gundy spent the last 16 years at Morgan Stanley accumulating mo’ power (and mo’ problems, apparently).
Has anyone ever felt guilty for leaving an investment bank? One of the great things about investment banking attrition is that the culture and hypocritical decrees from your bosses make it guilt-free. A big difference between a surging market and a downturn is the bulge bracket bank take on “firm loyalty.” During periods of market exuberance banks shamelessly stress the importance of firm loyalty, even though the people leading the loyalty pep rallies are the same ones entertaining huge lateral offers from other institutions. First sign of a downturn and the bank doesn’t hesitate to fire your loyal ass.
Merrill hires new head of power, utilities unit [Reuters]

You got PolyServed

wedding-rings-and-money.jpg As part of DealBreaker’s look into the most high profile Mergers & Acquisitions of prominent or aspiring businesspeople, we present the latest installment of 02138’s “Loves” section (with at least 50% more cheese than the New York Times wedding section). Here is the following account of the Melanie Thernstrom (AB ’86) and Michael Callahan (AB ’91) nuptial. Mel is a writer but Mike is the co-founder of software company PolyServe, which was purchased by HP in February. I can’t put the picture up or 02138 will threaten to sue us again, the great sports that they are (or if Mel and Mike have the same rabidly litigious sense of humor as the last couple that we profiled). Here’s the profile:

Melanie is…a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine. She is the author of two books, The Dead Girl (Simon & Schuster, 1990) and Halfway Heaven (Doubleday, 1997).
Michael is… the co-founder of PolyServe [a Mormon social networking site?], a software company he sold to Hewlett Packard [Patti Dunn comissioned spyware] in February. He is now chief technologist [according to a mug] of the PolyServe division of HP [every company calls the mail room something different].
Michael “had long known of Melanie”…having read about her in the Crimson [police blotter] after she sold her undergraduate thesis to Simon & Schuster [got more mileage than anyone thought possible out of a personal tragedy (see the Amazon link), which is almost required for admission into Harvard creative writing classes] (which became her first book, The Dead Girl).
In 2005, when [married] friends suggested that the two meet [were sick of having a constant third wheel]…Michael was impressed that he was going to meet “THE Melanie Thernstrom [her parents giving her a definite article as a first name was a poor choice].”
A relationship seemed unlikely…as Melanie lived in New York and Michael was in San Francisco [but I would walk 3,000 miles...]. However, mutual friends Larry Baughman and Anouk Markovits (GSD ‘81) urged the two, albeit separately [at a swingers party], to give it a shot [of Cuervo], saying, “this one is worth it [should make the beer goggles thick enough].”

Read more about Mike and Mel’s courtship after the jump…

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M&A: Bleeders and Breeders

Mergers & Acquisitions Graphic.JPGA well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.’ And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs– who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Katherine Lewis, Schuyler Perry
Bride:
-Graduated from Williams (-6)
-Is a publicist (-3) specializing in the technology and retail industries (-3)
Pre-merger valuation: -12
Bridegroom:
-Graduated from Hamilton (+0.5)
-Is a financial advisor (-2) in the private wealth management (-1) unit at Merrill Lynch (-1) in New York
Pre-merger valuation: -3.5
Post-merger valuation: -15.5

Notes
: Dead Horse coverage suspended. Market Rating: Underperform. We feel the entity needs a serious recapitalization to generate any return on equity.

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Mergers & Acquisitions

nee.190.jpgA well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.’ And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs– who needs that kind of negativity?)
With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Karen Ruiz and Jonathan Block
Bride:
Teaches first grade (+1) at a public school (-1)
Pre-merger valuation: 0 pts
Bridegroom:
Vice president (+2) and stock research analyst (-1) of medical device companies (-3) in the investment banking group (+1) at SunTrust (-5) (A word on SunTrust: when starting annual bonus rumors, Brock would send out an email saying, “I hear SunTrust is giving top tier 2nd years $150k” because this fact is unverifiable and requires SunTrust bankers to be in the discussion to begin with…)
Pre-merger valuation: -6 pts
Post-merger valuation: -6 pts
This merger is extremely dilutive to the bride, obviously. Daimler acquired Chrysler thinking they could get by on love alone and look at them now. Please relate back to what this couple’s going to look like in five, six years max.

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