I have always been amused at the amazingly dense attempts by FedEx competitors to emulate the pure genius that is the essence of modern speed and efficiency. Or, it could just be that I love the old Federal Express commercials.

So, the news that DHL is planning to put a bunch of locations in Walgreens around the country, well, it just makes me laugh. Kind of loudly. Try it yourself by acting out these parts:

Somewhere in Memphis:

FedEx Executive: "So, where might you be where you suddenly need to ship a document with all speed and haste to a critical location?"
FedEx Junior Executive: "The financial printers?"
FedEx Junior Executive 2: "Your accountant's office?"
FedEx Junior Executive 3: "Your divorce attorney's office?"
FedEx Junior Executive 4: "Kinkos?"
FedEx Executive (suddenly to Junior Executive 4): "My god, that's BRILLIANT man!"

Somewhere in Bonn, Germany:

DHL Executive: "Zo, vere might vone be wann zuddenly to ship dokuments schnell need?"
DHL Junior Executive: "Zee dry kleeners?"
DHL Junior Executive 2: "Zee Bahnhof?"
FedEx Junior Executive 3: "Zee Post?"
FedEx Junior Executive 4: "Zee Apotheke?"
All in unison (suddenly to Junior Executive 4): "Ja- KLAR!"

DHL to Offer Kiosks at Walgreens In Major Expansion for Shipper [WSJ]

Stephen and Ellen Schwarzman’s son, Edward “Teddy” Schwarzman, was married off Saturday evening to Ellen Maria Zajac, daughter of Ellen and John Zajac. (Ellen DeGeneres performed a couple of sets during cocktail hour and just before the cutting of the cake, and Ellen Barkin sat at table 19. Over dinner, someone mentioned something about Teddy finally fulfilling his life-long dream of marrying a woman with the same name as his favorite actress, Grey’s Anatomy star Ellen Pompeo.) So sad and, yet, kind of meh (call us when Daniel Loeb’s unborn son is no longer available, then we’ll be upset. NB: Carney does not share the indifference. When I’m finished with this, I’ll go try and talk him off the ledge). One DealBreaker spy in attendance for the nuptials reports that “there were fireworks after dessert” and talk that Schwarzman junior had been encouraged to “marry for money,” on account of the family business falling on hard times.

Ellen Zajac and Teddy Schwarzman [NYT]

Chicago Board of Trade shareholders accepted an $11.8bn merger proposal from the Chicago Mercantile Exchange yesterday, ending nine months of negotiations and an unremitting rival bid from IntercontinentalExchange. The results of yesterday’s shareholder vote, which will create the world’s largest futures exchange, were announced simultaneously by CBOT and CME last night.

CME Group will come into being next year and, continuing the industry’s amalgamative trend, is likely to pursue exchanges in New York and London.

Left out in the cold after an expensive campaign for CBOT, ICE is now a potential takeover target for New York Stock Exchange Euronext, Bloomberg News reports. According to Will Vicars, director of Caledonia Investments, NYSE Euronext’s “modus operandi to date has been acquisitions, and I think that will probably continue.”

Chicago Exchange Merger May Bring More Deals [Dealbook]
CME Acquisition of CBOT Turns Nymex, ICE Into Takeover Targets [Bloomberg]
CBOT-CME Is Done, at Last [Wall Street Journal]
CME and CBOT Shareholders Approve Merger [Chicago Board of Trade]

We interrupt our sporadically occurring wedding ratings game feature, Mergers and Acquisitions (wherein we callously and unjustifiably assign a random "market value" to complete strangers by virtue of the fact that they work work in the finance industry), to bring you some joyous espousal news about one of yours and our faves: Mr. Andrew Ross DealBook has been made an honest man! Yes, last Saturday, Ross Sorkin was married to Pilar Jenny Queen at the Angel Orensanz Foundation for the Arts in New York, and somehow the announcement made it into the Times' Weddings and Celebrations section.

The bride, 26, is a Northwestern graduate and agent at Inkwell Management, a literary agency in New York. The bridegroom, 30, is a Cornell grad and is currently employed as the chief mergers and acquisitions reporter for the New York Times and edits DealBook, an online financial news report on the Times' website. You might recognize him from some of his more memorable hits, such as "When a Bank Works Both Sides", "Colluding or Not, Private Equity Firms Are Shaken" and "Hostility by Any Other Name Smells Just as Hostile".

We wish the couple much happiness. Of course, we want to know how all of this is going to affect DB and you. Is DealBook going to go soft, opining for days on why Daimler and Chrysler should try and work it out and going into awkward detail about Murdoch's Kiss? Or will it make our private equity hater's hate all the more stronger, demanding 1. taxing carried interest as income and 2. for you to get off my damn back because I've been working all day and the last thing I need is to come home to is your bitching! Only time will tell.

Pilar Queen, Andrew Sorkin [NYT]

Jonathan Gundy left a top position at Morgan Stanley's power group for a top position at Merrill Lynch's power group where he will presumably have, more power. Gundy spent the last 16 years at Morgan Stanley accumulating mo' power (and mo' problems, apparently).

Has anyone ever felt guilty for leaving an investment bank? One of the great things about investment banking attrition is that the culture and hypocritical decrees from your bosses make it guilt-free. A big difference between a surging market and a downturn is the bulge bracket bank take on "firm loyalty." During periods of market exuberance banks shamelessly stress the importance of firm loyalty, even though the people leading the loyalty pep rallies are the same ones entertaining huge lateral offers from other institutions. First sign of a downturn and the bank doesn't hesitate to fire your loyal ass.

Merrill hires new head of power, utilities unit [Reuters]

As part of DealBreaker's look into the most high profile Mergers & Acquisitions of prominent or aspiring businesspeople, we present the latest installment of 02138's "Loves" section (with at least 50% more cheese than the New York Times wedding section). Here is the following account of the Melanie Thernstrom (AB ’86) and Michael Callahan (AB ’91) nuptial. Mel is a writer but Mike is the co-founder of software company PolyServe, which was purchased by HP in February. I can't put the picture up or 02138 will threaten to sue us again, the great sports that they are (or if Mel and Mike have the same rabidly litigious sense of humor as the last couple that we profiled). Here's the profile:

Melanie is…a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine. She is the author of two books, The Dead Girl (Simon & Schuster, 1990) and Halfway Heaven (Doubleday, 1997).

Michael is… the co-founder of PolyServe [a Mormon social networking site?], a software company he sold to Hewlett Packard [Patti Dunn comissioned spyware] in February. He is now chief technologist [according to a mug] of the PolyServe division of HP [every company calls the mail room something different].

Michael “had long known of Melanie”...having read about her in the Crimson [police blotter] after she sold her undergraduate thesis to Simon & Schuster [got more mileage than anyone thought possible out of a personal tragedy (see the Amazon link), which is almost required for admission into Harvard creative writing classes] (which became her first book, The Dead Girl).

In 2005, when [married] friends suggested that the two meet [were sick of having a constant third wheel]…Michael was impressed that he was going to meet “THE Melanie Thernstrom [her parents giving her a definite article as a first name was a poor choice].”

A relationship seemed unlikely…as Melanie lived in New York and Michael was in San Francisco [but I would walk 3,000 miles...]. However, mutual friends Larry Baughman and Anouk Markovits (GSD ‘81) urged the two, albeit separately [at a swingers party], to give it a shot [of Cuervo], saying, “this one is worth it [should make the beer goggles thick enough].”

Read more about Mike and Mel's courtship after the jump...

A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)

With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Katherine Lewis, Schuyler Perry

Bride:

-Graduated from Williams (-6)

-Is a publicist (-3) specializing in the technology and retail industries (-3)

Pre-merger valuation: -12

Bridegroom:

-Graduated from Hamilton (+0.5)

-Is a financial advisor (-2) in the private wealth management (-1) unit at Merrill Lynch (-1) in New York

Pre-merger valuation: -3.5

Post-merger valuation: -15.5

Notes: Dead Horse coverage suspended. Market Rating: Underperform. We feel the entity needs a serious recapitalization to generate any return on equity.

A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)

With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit. Feel free to add your own ratings scale and we may or may not incorporate it into our own next week.

Karen Ruiz and Jonathan Block

Bride:

Teaches first grade (+1) at a public school (-1)

Pre-merger valuation: 0 pts

Bridegroom:

Vice president (+2) and stock research analyst (-1) of medical device companies (-3) in the investment banking group (+1) at SunTrust (-5) (A word on SunTrust: when starting annual bonus rumors, Brock would send out an email saying, "I hear SunTrust is giving top tier 2nd years $150k" because this fact is unverifiable and requires SunTrust bankers to be in the discussion to begin with...)

Pre-merger valuation: -6 pts

Post-merger valuation: -6 pts

This merger is extremely dilutive to the bride, obviously. Daimler acquired Chrysler thinking they could get by on love alone and look at them now. Please relate back to what this couple’s going to look like in five, six years max.

A well-known financier—cough, Lloyd Blankfein, cough—once said, “The Sunday Styles’ ‘Weddings and Celebrations’ section exists solely to make people feel bad about themselves. If you’re unwed—it’s a reminder that you probably never will be; for the single women, it reinforces the fact that they will die alone, save for their cats and the indelible crows feet caused by years of putting careers before relationships. For the men, it’s a splash of cold water on their no-longer-youthful faces that no one wants an aging bachelor—even Jay McInerney is all, ‘I’d argue that having three divorces and four wives to my name is a small price to pay in exchange for being off that bitch of a singles market.' And if you’re reading ‘W&C’ and are wearing the tiniest handcuff known to mankind? Well, that’s just the cruelest punishment of all. You know what these people are in for.” (Which is part of the reason people stopped inviting him to their weddings and bar mitzvahs-- who needs that kind of negativity?)

With that said, we here at Dealbreaker are always up for trivializing the pain of others, and noticed some time ago the considerable Venn Diagram overlap between the unfortunate souls “married last evening at the Tribeca Rooftop” and the same people having jobs in the industry of which we cover. Thus spake: The Big Rip Off. Every Monday, we’ll review the Times wedding announcements that involve professionals, assign them “market value,” based on experience, firm, any other occupational variables we see fit, and pay tribute to those who came before us.

Tara Purohit and Riad Abrahams

Bride:
MBA (-1) from Harvard (+2)

Consultant (-1) at the Bridgespan Group (-1), a consulting firm in Boston (-1) for nonprofit organizations (-1)

Pre-merger valuation: -3 points

Bridegroom:

MBA (-1) from Harvard (+2)

Managing Director (+3) of Maverick Capital (+1), a hedge fund in NY, until last October

Founded (+2) a new investment firm (this is too ambiguous for a value—leave your best guess) in NY called Black(+3)swan(-5) Partners

Pre-merger valuation: 5 points

Post merger valuation: 2 points

Notes: Definitely not a merger of equals. Merger is significantly dilutive to Abrahams, though the bride’s probably a very kind, loving, and non-judgmental person—considering “BS Partners,” she’d have to be.

We hear that Time, Inc. is feeling crunched for time in its attempt to get a few magazine deals signed up by year end. In September, Time announced plans to sell several titles. Our source tells us that Time has been meeting with prospective buyers this week and will continue meetings next week. But, the source says, executives at the magazine and their bankers are now pushing to get deals done between Thanskgiving and Christmas. Time apparentoy doesn’t want to wait until 2007 to start signing up deals, fearing that dealmakers and investment bankers might be unmotivated to quickly close sales early in the first quarter of the new year.

Underneath the financial maneuvers and corporate wrangling in Lakshmi Mittal’s bid to have his Mittal Steel purchase Arcelor, the world’s second-biggest steelmaker, a smaller, more human and perhaps almost biblical battle between two brothers.

Michael Zaoui and his younger brother Yoel are both successful investment bankers who lead the European investment banking divisions of different banks. Michael leads at Merrill Lynch. Yoel at Goldman Sachs. Both were born in Morocco, lived for a time in Italy and educated at elite French schools. Both are French nationals.

The Mittal takeover of Arcelor saw them pitted against each other. At Merrill, Michael was in charge, with Michel Antakly, of Morgan Stanley’s efforts on behalf of Arcelor, which sought to defend itself against Mittal’s advances. At Goldman, Yoel helped arrange Mittal’s attack.

We’re still awaiting word about exactly how Yoel is celebrating this triumph over his older brother. But we're told that their last name, Zaoui, is indeed pronounced "Zowie!"

The big deal announced Friday morning: Oil and gas producer Anadarko Petroleum Corp. is picking up Kerr-McGee Corp. and Western Gas Resources Inc. The cash-and-carry deals total to $21.1 billion, and include rihts to expand into the Gulf of Mexico and the Rocky Mountains regions. Also, you get to really, really annoy the environmentalists.

Anadarko to buy Kerr-McGee, Western Gas for $21 bln [Reuters]

BAA, the largest airport owner in the world, shot down a bid from a team headed up by Goldman Sach, opting instead to accept a $19.3 billion offer from the Spanish company Grupo Ferrovial. The Goldman led group has ten days to submit a new bid.

A key difference between the bids, which both offer shareholders a dividend of 15.25 pernce, is that the Ferrovial investors, advised by Citigroup, already have regulatory approval for the takeover. The Goldman bid is presumably contingent on getting such approval. Rothschild Group and UBS are advising BAA.

It also appears that Goldman may never have made a formal offer, according to an analyst quoted in Bloomberg.

"Goldman have said they've got the money, but haven't actually made an offer,'' said Andy Murphy, an analyst in London at Panmure U.K., with a ``hold'' rating on the stock. "Goldman will have to really go for it and offer about 10 pounds.''

Update: This story indicates the the Goldman group did submit a full bid.

Goldman's revised bid is due Friday, June 16th. So what does this mean for the real world? And by "real world" we mea, of course, the chance of getting out of the office if you are working on the deal.

Goldman bankers=cancel your weekend plans.

Citigroup=also totally screwed; preparing counter-bids.

Rothschild/UBS=pray Goldman doesn't get its bid in until after this weekend but well before next weekend.

Everyone's lawyers=associates absolutely screwed no matter what; partners watching billable hours meters ticking ever higher.

BAA Accepts 10.1 Bln-Pound Ferrovial Bid Over Goldman [Bloomberg]

As we've mentioned before, we occasionally plug "banker" in the search box on Craigslist just to see if anything interesting comes up. Generally, results fall in one of two categories: "randy banker seeks young hot thing for no-strings relationship, willing to pay" or "young hot thing seeks randy banker to finance exorbitant lifestyle, willing to do whatever randy banker wants." In the latter category, the young woman to the left posts the following: "if you are an m&a banker, hopefully on the young side ie (22-25), i need a favor and in return, i'll make your head spin." Which begs the question: why an M&A guy specifically? (We realize that reliably good transaction advice is in short supply, but...) Why not a nice LBO guy? Or a hedge fund guy? We hear they're hot (in one sense of the word.)

M&A Bankers W4M (22) [Craigslist]