Paul Elder is a psychic. He uses his extrasensory abilities to help locate missing children (only one live one so far though) and also? To advise a certain U.S-based hedge fund on upcoming “fluctuations” in the markets. Prick won’t say which though, and damn it, we want to know. So here it is—no one goes home ‘til we’ve figured it out. You can cross off Global Alpha straight away, for obvious reasons, and probably Third Point, too, because it’s widely known fact that Daniel Loeb hates fortune tellers and anything “like fortune tellers” (Magic 8-balls, Tarot card readers, etc.) Begin.
Former Edmonton mayor shares his psychic side [Edmonton Sun]

As we were discussing this morning, it is common knowledge that you can blame anything on the markets, as they’re mostly, if not entirely, a solipsistic construct. (We also asked you to try and blame something on the markets tonight and will expect full reports as to how using the markets as a means for getting out of child support payments went, by 9 am tomorrow at the latest). In case you need some help getting started, we’ll illustrate now how a London man recently used the markets as an excuse where most (normal) people probably wouldn’t have thought to employ this newly branded scapegoat.
Bertrand Des Pallieres, founder of SPQR Capital, a hedge fund based in the St. James District of the City, claims that the reason he didn’t notice his Maserati Cambiocorsa had been impounded was because he was “so focused on the swings in the financial markets.” Yes, because of the “unforeseen market volatility” unfolding before his very eyes, Des Pallieres didn’t realize that his blue, £80,000 vehicle wasn’t where it was supposed to be– for three months. “I was distracted by the market turmoil,” Des Pallieres, who had to pay “thousands of pounds” for 65 congestion-charge fines and “lots” of parking tickets, told Bloomberg.
Obviously, we applaud Des Pallieres for thinking outside the box, but we have to ask:

Hedge Fund Manager, Gripped by Market Rout, Abandons Maserati [Bloomberg]