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What The Seed Of Michael Bolton Hath (Possibly) Wrought

michael_bolton2.jpgFrom the mailbag:

Date: Sep 25, 2007 12:18 AM
Subject: Pirate August Reports & AUM Sept 2007
The monthly was written by a junior analyst name Tassos. Isa Bolotin, Director of Investor Relations, is too busy managing her volatile relationship with Tom Hudson. Hudson is too busy planning the $1mm mausoleum for his clan.
Funny Pirate’s only treasure of the month was generated by the most senior analyst that left the firm in early Sept. Who else do they have to put new names on the books? No one. Notice that Pirate’s shipwrecks in August is basically its entire portfolio as Pirate sold out of every position except for the four names (BCO, PBY, AGL, and ADG). Can’t wait to see the upcoming “Confidential Report.”
I highly doubt Pirate has cash to deploy. Its top 4 holdings total about $270mm. According to the AUM as of Sept 07, Pirate listed $374mm. I bet they have over $100mm in redemptions at the end off September.

First of all, we don’t know actually know if there’s anything impure going on between Pirate Captain Tom Hudson and Michael Bolton’s daughter, Isa Bolotin. It would represent a grave error on both their parts—for Isa, because the guy’s two bad bets away from sleeping on her couch and being asked, “Have you moved from that position when I left this morning?”, for Tom, because “Can I Touch You There” takes on entirely new meaning when the person inquiring is your girlfriend’s father.
What we do know is that the Jolly Roger’s two activist funds, Activist Fund LP and Activist Fund LTD were both down -6.43% in August, -24.39% /-22.84% August YTD, and -16.17%/-14.65% since inception. And that in September 2006, Pirate was managing $1.802 billion. September 2007? $375 million. If those numbers don’t say “Let me get back to you on those redemption requests, I’m getting a BJ from the investor relations woman right now,” we don’t know what does. (In which case, good for them. Shame about those losses, though.)
Pirate AUM Sept 2007 [pdf]
Pirate Returns August 2007 [pdf]
Pirate August Monthly 2007 [pdf]