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  • 11 Nov 2014 at 8:00 AM

Sage Kelly’s Wife Is Sorry About…Y’Know…

The KellysChristina Kelly, the soon-to-be ex-wife of (on leave) Jefferies banker Sage Kelly, who she recently accused of mistaking their bed, wall, and floor for a toilet; holding an official “Mushrooms Day“; and pressuring her to engage in a foursome with a Jefferies client and the guy’s girlfriend, would like to apologize and also go on record in an official statement as saying Sage is a top notch father. Although she doesn’t give Jefferies CEO Richard Handler and fellow senior execs an explicit shoutout, she may or may not be referring to them and the preemptive piss-in-a-cup day they felt the need to hold when she references “people at Jefferies” who were “affected” by she and her husband’s divorce proceedings. Read more »

Opening Bell: 11.11.14

corvetteBrokers Attack SEC’s Plan as Trojan Horse Designed to Hurt Them (Bloomberg)
Wall Street brokers are in rebellion against a plan to test ways of encouraging more trading of the smallest U.S. stocks, saying the effort was hijacked by exchanges seeking an edge over their rivals. The Securities and Exchange Commission’s pilot program is meant to spur trades in about 30 percent of publicly traded U.S. companies. One of its provisions — called a trade-at rule — is really a stealth attempt to hurt brokers that run private trading systems that compete with the likes of the New York Stock Exchange, representatives from JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM) and Citigroup Inc. (C) said today at an industry conference. “The exchanges who have a hand in this and seek to benefit from the onerous version of a trade-at basically put the screws to us,” Michael Masone, legal counsel for equities at Citigroup, said at an event sponsored by the Securities Industry and Financial Markets Association.

Bloomberg says Dodd-Frank regulations are ‘stupid laws’ (NYP)
The Dodd-Frank regulations put in place after the financial crisis are “stupid laws” that the banking industry will just ignore anyway — just like Mayor Bill de Blasio’s new 25-mile-per-hour speed limit, the financial data company CEO said Monday. “The world adjusts to stupid laws,” he said at an industry conference on Monday. “They just don’t pay attention to it and you get burned later on. That really is what happens, like a 25-mile-an-hour speed limit.” Instead, the government should have let the industry craft the bill and let Congress “tweak a little bit,” he said.

Rivals Outdo Gross in Race For Bond Cash (WSJ)
Of the torrent of cash that left Pacific Investment Management Co. in the past six weeks, only a trickle appears to have followed Bill Gross to his new home. Since Mr. Gross joined Janus Capital Group Inc. on Sept. 26, his new fund has attracted about $430 million in new money, or less than 1% of the $50 billion that has left his old fund at Pimco in the past two months…While it is impossible to know where the new cash is coming from, rival firms Vanguard Group Inc. and TCW Group Inc. saw record flows into their bond funds in October, the companies said Monday.

Veterans Accuse Six Banks of Aiding U.S. Foes (WSJ)
More than 200 veterans and their families filed a lawsuit Monday accusing six major banks of helping Iran move tens of millions of dollars to groups targeting U.S. soldiers in Iraq during the war. The suit, filed in Brooklyn federal court, comes less than two months after the first U.S. jury verdict in a civil terrorism-finance case put banks on notice that they could face civil liability for doing business with certain clients. Monday’s lawsuit alleges that banks ignored the risk that some of the billions of dollars they helped Iran secretly funnel through the U.S. financial system would wind up in the hands of Iran’s Revolutionary Guards Corps and its proxies that orchestrated attacks against U.S. troops in Iraq. The banks— HSBC Holdings PLC, Barclays PLC, Standard Chartered PLC, Royal Bank of Scotland PLC and Credit Suisse Group —declined to comment on the lawsuit Monday.

Sriracha crust? Pizza Hut unveils huge changes (CNBC)
As Pizza Hut seeks to recharge its domestic business, the Yum Brands unit is betting on a massive menu expansion, a revamped digital experience and a nationwide rollout of skinny pizzas it plans to announce on Monday. The new menu includes 10 new crusts, such as honey sriracha, and themed ones like “Get Curried Away;” sauce additions like garlic parmesan; and premium ingredients, including fresh spinach and cherry peppers harvested from the Peruvian highlands.

70 snakes stolen in ‘professional hit’ (UPI)
Steve Mussard, a worker at Rugby Reptiles, said the thieves broke into the store Tuesday night and stole 40 royal pythons and 30 boa constrictors. Mussard said the snake rustlers also damaged security cameras and unplugged the CCTV system during the heist. “The police have said this is a professional hit,” Mussard told the Coventry Telegraph. “They have been stolen to order — they knew what they were getting was valuable. They have left the corn snakes and the really big snakes and lizards that couldn’t be carried anyway.” Read more »

Write-Offs: 11.10.14

$$$ Steven A. Cohen Was Buyer of Giacometti’s ‘Chariot,’ for $101 Million [NYT]

$$$ World’s Largest Banks to Be Forced to Hold Big Capital Cushions [WSJ]

$$$ Supreme Court Denies Insider-Trading Appeal [WSJ]

$$$ HSBC sees high-level shakeup amid revenue fall [NetNet]

$$$ Manhattan apartment is $10 a month … for 50 years [NYP]

$$$ A couple is suing a Marriott Residence Inn in Long Island after one of their 17 (!!!!!17!!!!) cats went missing when they stayed there over the summer. [Gothamist] Read more »

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mark-cuban“It created an uphill battle for me,” the owner of the NBA’s Dallas Mavericks said of the nearly five-year SEC battle in private testimony obtained by The Post through an FOIA request. Cuban bid $1.3 billion to buy the Chicago Cubs in 2008, around the same time the SEC publicly accused the “Shark Tank” judge of avoiding a $750,000 loss through improper sales of Internet company Mamma.com. Cuban wasn’t selected to participate in the final bidding round for the Cubs in early 2009. He blamed the SEC for the loss in October 2009 in testimony with the commission’s then-inspector general, David Kotz, who was investigating Cuban’s allegations that the SEC mishandled his case. Cuban told Kotz that the SEC case also cost him a TV opportunity with reality TV producer Mark Burnett, known for “The Voice” and “Shark Tank.” He also said he was hurt in other ways, including getting heckled at Mavs games by kids, who stood behind him chanting “Insider trading!” [NYP]

  • 10 Nov 2014 at 5:24 PM

Ex-Trader Has New Full-Time Job

artist's renderingThe impeccably-named Noel Cryan used to have a full-time job working for Tullett Prebon. Then he found himself accused of being part of that whole Libor thing, and didn’t anymore. Cryan decided to use some of his newfound free time suing Tullett Prebon, time he apparently wasn’t using to fight the criminal rate-rigging charges against him.

Hopefully Noel likes the time he spends in court- and law-firm conference rooms, because (allegedly!) fucking with Libor wasn’t the only (allegedly) shady thing he was (allegedly) doing. Read more »

haroldhammAll in all Harold Hamm ended up doing okay for himself. Read more »

Just An FYI…

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  • 10 Nov 2014 at 2:25 PM
  • Banks

JPMorgan Tech. Team’s Job Is Done

Saved!Among the most serious casualties of this summer’s hack-attack on JPMorgan Chase was the Corporate Challenge: A series of jogs that allow members of the House of Dimon to do good while making themselves look good. Well, the news is good, at least in terms of the CC: The races can go on! Read more »