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stevecohensaccapitalThe former SAC portfolio manager, found guilty in September of orchestrating “the most lucrative insider trading scheme ever,” is hoping the Big Guy can save him. Read more »

Who?The maestro’s former fund still exists, as the company will demonstrate today. Sure, it’s trading with a lot less money. But it’s a survivor, and it’s even doing basically the same stuff that Gross did before he quit before he could be fired pursued a new opportunity in Denver. Read more »

  • 12 Nov 2014 at 12:46 PM

Goldman Sachs Changes 78 People’s Lives

lloyd-blankfein-and-gary-cohnThe following employees successfully made it through the two-year “cross-ruffing” process and were inducted into the Brotherhood of the Sach this morning. Be sure to send them a congratulatory message at some point today; right now they’re with HR, receiving instructions on how to operate their newly promoted nether regions, which were dipped in gold just an hour ago and can take some time getting used to. Read more »

  • 12 Nov 2014 at 12:14 PM

Dick Fuld Ready To Hit The Party Circuit Again

Ready to partyAfter keeping a fairly low profile over the past 6 years, following the whole implosion of Lehman Brothers situation, Fuld announced Monday night that he’s ready to rock. Text him the details of this weekend’s rager and he’s there, assuming the ole ball and chain doesn’t have other ideas. Read more »

lloydblankfeingarycohngoldmansachsAfter two long years of a highly uncomfortable process called “cross-ruffing,” today is the day a small group of Goldman Sachs employees’ lives will be forever altered. In addition to the physical change that will result from the new partner status– their genitals will now a emit a light similar to that of a glowing orb, visible through dress pants– here’s what else the young princes and princesses of West Street can expect:

  • A call from on high.
  • Sandwiches in a conference room.
  • The ability to get anyone you want on the phone without having to resort to groveling.
  • A new expectation– because of the bags of money– that you’ll be available to the firm, which can track your movements via the GPS installed in your golden scrot, at any time.

Read more »

Traders worked together to “whack” the market, called themselves a “cartell” and congratulated each other for a job well done, according to transcripts released by regulators today. “Ok, i got a lot of euros,” a currency trader at JPMorgan Chase & Co. (JPM) said in an undated 3:51 p.m. message to his counterpart at Citigroup Inc. (C) A minute later he says, “tell you what, lets double team it.” Dozens of chats spanning four years from 2008 and rife with misspellings were released by regulators as they reached the first settlements in the global probe into the manipulation of foreign-exchange benchmarks. Citigroup, JPMorgan, Royal Bank of Scotland Group Plc, HSBC Holdings Plc (HSBA) and UBS (UBSN) AG were ordered to pay about $3.3 billion. The banks said in statements today that they have been working to improve controls and don’t tolerate such behavior…Breaches of client confidentiality and inadequate chat-room supervision are at the heart of regulators’ findings in the foreign exchange probe that commenced over a year ago. [Bloomberg]

Some management professorIs Duke’s Fuqua School of Business the best business school in the country? According to BusinessWeek, which has jumped on the ranking of MBA programs bandwagon, yes. Obviously, many of you are going to have thoughts about this as well as other things on the list that may have touched a nerve (perceived slights like finding out your alma mater is not in the top ten or making the top three but having to suffer the indignity of an inferior institution being too close for comfort). We’re listening.

20. University of Virginia, Darden School of Business
19. University of California, Berkeley, Haas School of Business
18. Emory University, Goizueta Business School
17. University of Maryland, Smith School of Business
16. Indiana University, Kelley School of Business
15. Dartmouth College, Tuck School of Business
14. Massachusetts Institute of Technology, Sloan School of Management
13. Cornell University, Johnson Graduate School of Management
12. University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, Kenan-Flagler Business School
11. University of California, Los Angeles, Anderson School of Management
Read more »

Opening Bell: 11.12.14

twinkiesAs Currency Settlement Draws Near, Barclays Is Said to Get Cold Feet (Dealbook)
On the eve of a multibillion-dollar settlement with six giant banks suspected of manipulating the foreign currency market, regulators in Washington and Britain encountered a last-second complication: One of the banks was dropping out of the deal. The giant British bank Barclays has informed regulators that it might not join the settlement, according to people briefed on the matter, a decision that grew more and more final as the hours dragged on. The Commodity Futures Trading Commission and the Financial Conduct Authority of Britain were planning to announce the settlement in London around 6 a.m. on Wednesday. JPMorgan Chase, Citigroup, the Royal Bank of Scotland, UBS and HSBC were poised to settle, making Barclays the lone holdout.

Will Ferrell’s Funny Or Die Seeks Serious Money in Sale (Bloomberg)
Funny or Die, the comedy website founded by Will Ferrell, Adam McKay and Chris Henchy, has hired a financial adviser to evaluate options including a possible sale, Chief Executive Officer Dick Glover said in a memo to employees. The asking price is $100 million to $300 million, people with knowledge of the matter said…Management at Funny or Die is working with the investment bank Moelis & Co. (MC), which has contacted potential buyers to gauge their interest in a deal, said one person, who asked not to be identified because the review is private.

Ackman Takes Stake in Animal-Health Company Zoetis (WSJ)
Activist investor William Ackman has taken a roughly $2 billion stake in Zoetis Inc. and could push the animal-health company to sell itself to a large drug maker such as Valeant Pharmaceuticals International Inc., according to people familiar with the matter…Zoetis, which was spun off Pfizer Inc. last year, makes vaccines and medicines for livestock and household pets. With $4.6 billion in sales in 2013, Zoetis is the largest company in the animal-health industry.

New York State Bank Regulator Lawsky Likely to Leave Post Next Year (WSJ)
Benjamin Lawsky , New York state’s top banking regulator and one of Wall Street’s most dogged pursuers, will likely leave his government position early next year, according to a person familiar with the matter. Mr. Lawsky has explored options in the private sector in recent weeks, the person said, but has not come to a final decision about when he will leave his state government post.

Owl attacks hawk at L.L. Bean store opening (UPI)
An L.L. Bean grand opening in Vermont was interrupted when violence broke out between two birds of prey brought into the store for the event. Lorrie Schumacher of Talons! A Bird of Prey Experience said the European eagle owl and Harris’ hawk have appeared together at previous events without any trouble, but the owl attacked the hawk Friday at the grand-opening celebration for L.L. Bean at Burlington’s Town Center mall. “They’ve never, ever have gone after each other,” Schumacher told the Burlington Free Press. “They’re always in close proximity, we make sure their leashes are not too close, and this time it was a matter of inches. They’re predators.” Witnesses said the owl had the hawk grasped in its claws for a few minutes before the birds were separated. Schumacher said the owl and hawk have been working together for about six years. She said the hawk suffered multiple puncture wounds in the attack, but is expected to make a full recovery. Read more »