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If you're good, that is.Unless that place is at the SEC cashier’s office, when your (probably former) employers are paying a fine that your actions helped incur. Otherwise, start planning to buy yourself something nice circa 2025. Read more »

rbsIf you’re going to team up with other banks to manipulate interest rates and engage in other shady behavior, just make sure to be the first one to go to regulators and let them know what you’ve all been up to. Read more »

  • 21 Oct 2014 at 12:59 PM

Mathew Martoma Still Going To Jail

martomaUnfortunately for the ex-SAC PM, a judge was unswayed by the defense team’s promise to reveal heretofore unknown details re: its client’s innocence. Read more »

Gotta do what I gotta do.John Paulson has a problem: He took a huge bath when AbbVie decided not to buy Shire because, even though it was ready to pay $54 billion for the company, the Irish pharma was basically just a tax shelter to Shire, and of the sort that is no longer kosher in the precincts of the U.S. Treasury Department. Now, John Paulson is Shire’s third-largest shareholder, and 30% drops in a company in which one is the third-largest shareholder are the kind of thing likely to produce something approaching panic in a hedge-fund manager.

John Paulson also owns a lot of Allergan shares. You may have heard of Allergan, either because it makes Botox, or because Bill Ackman talks about it a lot.

John Paulson has been listening closely to what Bill Ackman says about Allergan, which is that the company should take Valeant Pharmaceuticals $53 billion (or more?) offer and that if it doesn’t, he’s going to throw out its entire board and make Allergan take the deal. And John Paulson likes that plan. He likes it a lot. But he’d like it even more if all of those Shire shares he owns would one day be worth as much as they were when he bought them, all of those months ago, when tax inversions were the order of the day. And he has an idea on that front… Read more »

Opening Bell: 10.21.14

JawsMisery Widespread At Hedge Funds (WSJ)
This month’s turmoil in financial markets has been a “bloodbath” for hedge funds, inflicting large losses at an array of multibillion-dollar firms in the industry’s worst stretch since late 2011. It isn’t unusual for one segment of the $2.8 trillion hedge-fund world to find itself caught in a downdraft. But in October, the pain has been widespread. There were casualties among funds that make bets based on their fundamental analysis of companies, events like takeovers and broad economic trends. The losses came amid sharp volatility in stocks, bonds, currencies and commodities. Top firms including Jana Partners LLC, Discovery Capital Management LLC and Paulson & Co. have posted losses ranging from 5% to 11% for the month, according to investors…One hedge-fund manager told clients Monday that market activity reminded him of a “familiar plotline” from the “Jaws” movies. “An idyllic investment environment amid an improving economy…and then cue the music…dun-dun…dun-dun…dun-dun,” Paul Westhead, chief executive of $4 billion fund Rimrock Capital Management LLC, wrote in a letter to investors.

Fed to Banks: Shape Up or Risk Breakup (WSJ)
Federal Reserve officials sent a warning shot across Wall Street on Monday, telling bank executives they must do more to curb excessive risk-taking and improve employee behavior at their firms or face stiff repercussions, including being broken into smaller pieces. Federal Reserve Gov. Daniel Tarullo and Federal Reserve Bank of New York President William Dudley , in closed-door speeches Monday to bank executives gathered at the New York Fed, said Wall Street must clean up its behavior and image, according to copies of their remarks provided by the Fed. The regulators made it clear they aren’t satisfied with bank’s efforts in the six years since the financial crisis shattered public trust in big banks, citing ongoing probes of banks for currency-market and interest-rate manipulation, tax evasion and efforts to skirt international sanctions. Mr. Dudley raised the specter of breaking up big banks, saying if firms don’t prove they can comply with the law, “the inevitable conclusion will be reached that your firms are too big and complex to manage effectively. In that case, financial-stability concerns would dictate that your firms need to be dramatically downsized and simplified so they can be managed effectively.”

Private Equity Titans Open Cloistered World to Smaller Investors (Dealbook)
Carlyle, the Washington-based giant that Mr. Rubenstein co-founded in 1987, is at the forefront of an effort to open the cloistered and risky world of private equity to doctors, lawyers, well-heeled entrepreneurs and others with a brokerage account or, one day, a robust 401(k). The firm is close to establishing a new way to give individual investors direct access to a selection of Carlyle’s private equity funds, according to people briefed on the matter who were not authorized to speak publicly about the private fund-raising campaign in progress. Not just anyone can jump in. Investors — who must be so-called qualified purchasers, or those who own at least $5 million in investible assets — are required to commit a minimum of $250,000, which is divided evenly across four of Carlyle’s current funds. But the structure sharply lowers the bar on a per-fund basis for direct investment with Carlyle.

Heroin blamed in Google prostitute murder case (AP)
Defense attorneys for a high-priced prostitute accused of giving a Google executive a fatal dose of heroin on his yacht say their client had also injected herself, clouding her judgment…Gerald Christensen, Tichelman’s second attorney, says the death was an accident and not malicious. Police say surveillance video shows Tichelman gather her belongings, casually step over the body of 51-year-old Forrest Hayes to finish a glass of wine, clean up a counter, then lower a blind before leaving the yacht on Nov. 23.

Microsoft CEO Nadella Received Pay Package of $84 Million (Bloomberg)
Microsoft Chief Executive Officer Satya Nadella was given a compensation package worth as much as $84.3 million for the software maker’s latest fiscal year, about 11 times his pay from the previous year. Nadella was named CEO about five months before the end of the year, which ended in June. He was granted share awards potentially worth $59.2 million in connection with his promotion to CEO, according to a filing today. He also received a one-time retention award worth $13.5 million. The disclosure of Nadella’s compensation follows a gaffe about raises he made earlier this month at a women’s conference. He said he was advised early in his career to stop bucking for a promotion and that those who take the long view will eventually be rewarded. He later apologized for those statements, saying that they didn’t help to close the gender gap in pay.

Cops: Losers Of Beer Pong Match Opened Fire On Fellow Texas Partygoers (TSG)
The 1:20 AM shooting Sunday took place at a residence in Ames, a city 45 miles from Houston. According to the Liberty County Sherriff’s Office, investigators are searching for two men who allegedly shot up the party after losing at the beer pong table. Deputies identified the suspects as Decoris “Red” Rucker, 24, and Chris “Crazy Chris” Hackett. Rucker and Hackett were among a group of five men who became upset after losing a backyard beer pong game. The men, witnesses said, ran from the home while firing wildly at partygoers. An 18-year-old woman was shot in the thigh during the gunfire. Rucker, Hackett, and the other men fled in a 2006 Buick. Read more »

Write-Offs: 10.20.14

$$$ Federal Reserve Bank of New York President William Dudley said the government will have to consider breaking up large financial institutions if Wall Street doesn’t stop excessive risk-taking and breaking the law. Mr. Dudley, in a speech sharply critical of bank behavior, also suggested top management bear the financial brunt of regulatory fines levied for wrongdoing. [WSJ]

$$$ Wall Street Wants Government Group On Cyber Security [FT]

$$$ Former Pimco Parent Pacific Life Moves Accounts to Janus [Bloomberg]

$$$ Chanos: Petrobras is a ‘scheme, not a stock’ [BloombergTV]

$$$ The case of the missing Count Chocula cereal boxes was solved Friday, when a craft brewer admitted to buying them to brew in a small-batch beer. Black Bottle Brewery in Fort Collins bought two Albertsons’ inventories of the iconic chocolate and marshmallow-bit cereal, puzzling at least one shopper in the process. “Every year I greatly look forward to the month of October when I can purchase a few boxes of this delicious chococlatey (sic) goodness,” Kristen Clark wrote in a letter to the Coloradoan. Clark is a “vegetarian and organic food eater for the most part,” but said she makes an exception once a year at Halloween for the 43-year-old General Mills cereal. Every year, that is, until this year. [Coloradoan] Read more »

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  • 20 Oct 2014 at 4:36 PM

Bonus Watch ’14: Babies Born In The Next 7.5 Hours

Hold my callsIf you’re inside a womb and have reached full-term by today, try and make your way to the exit before midnight tonight. Read more »

If CalPERS Is Doing It, It Has To Be Good

lemmingsThe California Public Employees’ Retirement System insists that it’s not firing all of its hedge funds because they aren’t worth the 2%, let alone the 20%. But its fellow pension funds, none of whom are CalPERS in terms of size or in-house capabilities, noticed a very clear nod-and-wink in their direction. And so, having followed the herd into alternatives, they’re now forming a new herd to abandon them. Read more »