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  • 22 Oct 2014 at 4:01 PM

That’s ‘Professor Dimon,’ Thank You Very Much

After beating cancer, Jamie Dimon — like many survivors — is looking to give back after a life in banking. The 56-year-old JPMorgan Chase chief executive is considering philanthropy and teaching when he leaves the bank he’s helmed for 10 years, he said during his first public appearance in New York since finishing the cancer treatment last month. “I still want to make it a better world,” he said Tuesday at the Javits Center for an industry conference. “I think when I’m done with this, I’m going to do it more directly.” [NYP]

Opening Bell: 10.22.14

marissa_mayerYahoo Delivers Message to Activist Starboard: Back Off (Bloomberg)
Yahoo! Chief Executive Officer Marissa Mayer delivered a message yesterday to activist shareholder Starboard Value LP: I’ve got this. Mayer began a defense of her leadership yesterday with a third-quarter earnings report that included sales that topped analysts’ estimates. She followed up with a conference call where she talked up her stewardship of the company, ticking off a list of points to show that her turnaround effort is making progress. Mayer argued she has a clear acquisition strategy for growth and said she is focused on maximizing value for shareholders. The shares jumped as much 5.8 percent today, for the biggest intraday increase in more than six months.

Russian Economy Stops Growing (WSJ)
Russia’s economy, hit by Western sanctions, stopped growing in September, data from the economy ministry showed Wednesday. Russia this year is on track to post its lowest growth since 2009. Russia’s standoff with the West over the Ukrainian crisis adds downside pressure on the economy as sanctions and geopolitical uncertainty fuel capital flight and kill investment activity. Alexei Ulyukayev, Russia’s economy minister, said that in the first nine months of 2014 the economy grew by 0.8%, Interfax news agency reported.

Goldman Sachs Shows Investors Path Out of Economic ‘Wonderland’ (Bloomberg)
Just as Alice was confused by the strange world she found herself in, Peter Oppenheimer said in a report published yesterday that investors face the unfamiliar in an environment of zero interest rates and low economic growth. Further complicating matters is that some old relationships have also broken down since the financial crisis. “Curiouser and curiouser,” he writes, quoting from Alice, in noting equities and bonds have often both performed well at the same time. Some of the strongest market performances have also been in the weakest economies.

‘Cannibal Cop’ interested in attending law school (NYP)
Notorious “Cannibal Cop” Gilberto Valle is “interested in attending law school,” his younger brother revealed in a letter to Manhattan federal Judge Paul Gardephe. “I even bought him a number of LSAT books which he completed, and he did very well on the practice tests at the end of the books,” wrote Daniel Valle The younger Valle was one of more than a dozen people who wrote letters on the ex-cop’s behalf before he is sentenced Nov. 4 for illegally using a police database. Gardephe overturned Valle’s conviction for conspiracy to murder in July. Read more »

Write-Offs: 10.21.14

$$$ Allergan CEO led smear campaign against Valeant: Ackman [NYP]

$$$ Third Point Q3 2014 Investor Letter [PDF]

$$$ Hedge Fund Chief Jones Sees U.S. Stocks Beating Globe for Rest of 2014 [Bloomberg]

$$$ Zuckerberg Seeks a Pound of Flesh From Lawyers Who Sued Facebook [BusinessWeek]

$$$ Lawton police said Kristi Rhines ordered food and several alcoholic drinks Friday at El Chico and later told workers she didn’t have any money, but her husband would soon arrive to pay her tab. Rhines soon clarified her husband was Jesus Christ, but she admitted the union was not solidified with a marriage license. The woman, who managers said insisted the Christian savior would soon be arriving to pay in cash, was arrested on a fraud charge when police arrived and determined she had no means of paying the bill. [UPI] Read more »

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Earlier: Charlie Gasparino Shows Enormous Restraint In Not Referring To Sun Valley Security As “Buncha Rent-A-Cops”

It says so somewhere in here, I'm sure of it! Just give me another minute to find it.Jordan Peixoto, friend/insider trading bud of worst roommate ever Filip Szymik, is ready to argue that the SEC’s administrative proceedings against him for insider trading, in Herbalife, are a violation of all of the U.S. Constitutional rights he learned about in Canadian civics classes. Read more »

  • 21 Oct 2014 at 3:06 PM
  • Banks

De Blasio To Dimon: F*ck You And F*ck Your Tax Breaks

jamie-dimon (2)JPMorgan Chase’s cap-in-hand routine isn’t flying with the Big Apple chief. Read more »

Those interested should search 'extreme inflatables'The Federal Reserve Bank of New York failed to examine J.P. Morgan Chase & Co.’s investment unit ahead of the bank’s 2012 “London Whale” trading debacle, despite a recommendation from other Fed supervisors that they look at the unit involved in the trades, according to a new report. The Fed’s Office of Inspector General released a report Tuesday saying Fed supervisors didn’t follow up on signs that the bank’s chief investment office—where the traders engaging in the problematic derivatives transactions were based—needed a closer look. A team of experts from across the Fed system recommended that the New York Fed conduct “a full-scope examination” of the unit in 2009, but the New York Fed never did so, the report said. [WSJ]

If you're good, that is.Unless that place is at the SEC cashier’s office, when your (probably former) employers are paying a fine that your actions helped incur. Otherwise, start planning to buy yourself something nice circa 2025. Read more »