Planespotting: Gateses Gone Wild

Bill Gates: San Diego Int’l to General Manuel Marquez De Leon Int’l on his Cessna Citation Excel
[Earlier that evening, at the Gates manse…]
Bill: Ten hour-long phone calls last month alone to Mount Kisco. Who do we know in Mount Kisco?
Melinda: What?
Bill: I said ‘who do we know it Mount Kisco?’
Melinda: My Aunt Fannie’s daughter-in-law, Rachel.
Bill: Oh, right. Rachel, yes. How is Rachel?
Melinda: Good, she just had her baby.
Bill: Yes, right. Well I’m just thinking that it wouldn’t hurt any of us to really hunker down and try to keep the long distance calls to a min—
Melinda: Hey, Bill? Do you want to do something crazy tonight?
Bill: -imum. Money doesn’t grow on trees and–
Melinda: Bill, listen to me, I’m being serious. Do you want to do something crazy?
Bill: Oh, um, gee, what’d you have in mind?
Melinda: I don’t know I just feel like we’re stuck in a rut. Let’s do something we’ve never done before.
Bill: You want to eat breakfast for dinner?
Melinda: No, Bill, something crazy.
Bill: You want to watch Friends with the Spanish subtitles on?
Melinda: No, Bill, something crazy.
Bill: You want stay up all night?
Bill: I’m sorry, Melinda, I’m fresh out of ideas. I’m not some stud horse that can bring home the bacon AND come up with ‘crazy’ ways to entertain you, okay? I can’t- I can’t think of anything, okay? And I think this is a little unfair of you, you know I’ve been having a hard time with Sergey and Larry and now you want me to be the activities director of this cruise ship, too? I’m serious Melinda, what the eff? I’d say let’s go to Mexico, but you’d probably just shoot that down, too, just like you shot down my idea for email for cats and—
Melinda: Email for cats and Mexico are hardly the same Bill.
Bill: You mean Mexico isn’t a brilliant moneymaking scheme? Because I still think you prematurely shot that down, you always do that to me and—
Melinda: No, I mean it would be crazy to go to Mexico. Pack the jet.
Bill: Pack it for what?
Melinda: Really, Bill?
Bill: Pack it for what?
Melinda: MEXICO!
Bill: Mexico? That’s crazy!
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John Mack: Westchester Co to Nassau Int’l on his Gulfstream V
To Do:
1. Kick Arthur Sulzberger Jr. in the balls
2. Go some place tropical!
3. Buy Milk

Planespotting: John Thain, Least Shady By Default

NYSE: Westchester Co to Berumuda Int’l on its Gulfstream IV
(Wal-Mart Spawn) Jim Walton: Lethbridge to Grande Prairie (Alberta) on his Cessna Skylane
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Donald Trump: Pease Int’l Tradeport to La Guardia on his Boeing 727-100
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David Becker: Port Isabel Cameron Co to Austin Bergstrom Int’l on his Mooney M-20
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[We’ve got our hands full with Wall Street Warriors, episodes 3-6, so you’re going to have to fend for yourselves today, salacious and mud-slinging conspiracy theory-wise. Be good and we promise to give Becker the full planespotting treatment on Thursday. Be bad and we’ll make sure your dreams are haunted by this guy.]

Planespotting: The Courtship

Warren Buffett: Santa Monica Municipal to Centennial (Denver) on his Gulfstream IV
Drinks? Dinner? Tomorrow? 7:30?*
Donald Trump: John F Kennedy Int’l to Pease Int’l Tradeport on his Boeing 727-100
*In a room full of people, you’re the only one we see.
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Blackstone Group: Westchester Co to Edward Lawrence Logan Int’l on its Raytheon Hawker 800
*In a room full of people, you’re the only one for me.
(But this does smell fishy)
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[Editor’s note: the opinion’s expressed here are Bess’s and Bess’s only. I continue to hate Warren Buffett. –JC]

Planespotting: We All Make Mistakes

Warren Buffett: Teterboro to Santa Monica Municipal on his Gulfstream IV
No dead hookers! This trip is fine by us!*
roses.gif*Warren. Warrie. (Can we call you Warrie?). Let’s chat. No need to be afraid, we promise. Really, we’re not going to say anything defamatory. Girl Scout’s honor and you know we’re telling the truth because we were once real live Girl Scouts (yeah, we were pretty awesome at peddling Thin Mints—the crack of cookies, honestly, those babies practically sell themselves—back in the day). Okay. Wow, this is harder than we thought it’d be. Seriously, we’re shaking. Does anyone have any Valium up in this bitch? No? It’s all gone? Honestly, whose turn was it to refill that prescription? Jesus, if we’re going to do one thing right, let’s do this, okay? (Sorry, it’s just something that we’ve had, like, a billion office meetings about and every time we say we’re going to implement a system and follow the system and we never do and it’s just kind of frustrating how something we’ve talked about a thousand times could be so flagrantly disregarded like that).
Anywho. So. You know how sometimes, in the past, so, so far in the past that it’s like, well, it’s kind of like it never happened, we’ve had some good natured jabs at your expense? Like, you know those, little jokes and stuff? You know what, let’s not even call them jokes how about something more fitting like, um, like ‘love pokes’? Yeah, that’s better. So, the love pokes—the loves poke, the love pokes, don’t make us say—ok, like saying you were going to hell, that you were trying to get people to think you were Jewish, that you were a smug little bitch, the way you just up and auctioned off your 2001 town car like you were too good for it or something, and a little high and mighty if you ask us for thinking that someone would want to buy that piece of crap just because it was yours, etc. What’s that? We didn’t write that about the car? Oh, well we definitely—you know what? Forget that last one, yeah, that was a mistake.
Anyhow. We’d like to take it all back. We got to work this morning and saw that your stock’s doing pretty well; mazel tov. And this has nothing to do with that but we just wanted to say we’re sorry about that stuff from before. Honestly, we don’t know what came over us. Actually, can we be honest? It was Carney. He’s been going through some personal problems (rehab) and for some reason (heroin) really laid into us about “writing as many hurtful things, even though you don’t want to, as possible about Warren Buffett.” But today we finally stood up to him and it feels great and we just wanted to share that with you. So, what do you say, water under the bridge? Because I think we should date (mate).

Planespotting: You Do What You Want

Denise Rich: Westchester Co to Washington Dulles Int’l on her Learjet 60
(We have nothing to say about this trip.)

Planespotting: Bill Becomes A Man, Thain, Citigroup

Microsoft : Lambert St Louis Int’l to Los Cabos Int’l on its Cessna Citation X
This trip is a lot like the scene in Sixteen Candles when Anthony Michael Hall gathers all the nerds in school into one room and proudly holds up Molly Ringwald’s underwear, as a sign that, you know what? He fucking rules. And now it’s Billy’s turn. With this jaunt to Cabo San Lucas, Gates is telling us that, like AMH’s numerous failed attempts to get a female to undress in his presence and then finally sealing the deal, after all those geek-flag raising trips to Seattle and the like, Gates has finally gotten into a girl’s pants and brought it on home, so to speak. Of course, Hall was full of shit and hadn’t actually touched Molly Ringwald, only begged and somehow convinced her to let him borrow her undergarments, so we’re pretty sure Bill spent most of his time sequestered in his room after the asthma-attack inducing run-in with a harem a bikini-clad coeds upon arrival but we can all agree this a step in the right direction. Bravo, our little four-eyed friend. Bravo, indeed.
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Citigroup: blank to blank on its Cessna Caravan
Citigroup: Though we’ve had our share of disagreements—why you would even consider getting rid of that adorable rouge umbrella is beyond us—all in all, we’ve had a lot of great times. Like when you went to Miami Beach and we casually mentioned that perhaps your visit was motivated more by the fact that Joe Francis was shooting footage for his latest video, Girls Gone Wild: CEOs and Secretary Hoes than by business-related matters. That was fun, wasn’t it? Even after ‘Anonymous’—executive assistant? That prick in IT?—tried, pretty skillfully, to make us feel like a naughty child in need of a timeout with his/her “What the hell is your problem with Citigroup you petulant twat-asshole”—‘twat-asshole,’ that was a good one!—, we were still enjoying ourselves, weren’t we? The flights to Vegas/Thailand/Hong Kong for what we mused were Celine Dion concerts/military coups/authentic happy endings? We’re going to go out on what we don’t even really consider a limb here and say that neither of us’ve ever had it better. And nice job on that little acquisition today; really, tongue-out-of-cheek, it was a great buy. But now, apparently, you think you don’t need us. You think, in that lying, cheating bastard sort of way, that you could just bide your time with us, and now that Turkey‘s come a calling, it’s time to move on and move up. We don’t think we need to remind you that we’re talking, specifically, about that little in-the-middle-of-the-night move, wherein you decided to stop letting us know where you were going and how you were getting there. Oh, and did you think you were being kind and throwing us a bone by still letting us know that you went to ‘somewhere’ from ‘somewhere’ and how long it took to traverse the distance between ‘somewhere’ and ‘somewhere’? We don’t need your charity. In fact, we don’t want anything from you ever again. We’ve deleted every planespotting post that you were ever mentioned in. You don’t exist– not even in our archives. In case you haven’t gotten it yet, you’re dead to us. But before we let you go, here’s one for the road: Fuck you, Citigroup! You promised us the world and all we were left with was this slap in the face: 6:31pm -7:27 pm.
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NYSE: Palm Beach Int’l to Dekalb Peachtree on its Gulfstream IV
You know what? We don’t have the energy for this today. Thain, do us a favor and say something defamatory about yourself– sexual preferences, proclivity for country music, balloon animals, etc, etc are all good jumping off points.
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Planespotting: (Too Soon?)

Donald Trump: Los Angeles Int’l to Mc Carran Int’l on his Boeing 727-100
[…nervous laughter…shuffling papers…chirping crickets…]
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Planespotting: That’s A Lot Of Viagra

stewardess.jpgMatch the victim to his aircraft, origin/destination, flight time, pick-up line used in-flight. (Bonus points if you can tell us the names of the stewardesses said pick-up lines were used on). Answers to be posted in today’s Write-Offs. Good luck to all (with Steve “Shifty Eyes” Jobs in the mix, you know you’ll need it).
a. Steve Jobs
c. John Travolta
d. Pfizer
e. Sergey Brin
f. Larry Page
1. Cessna Citation X
2. Gulfstream V
3. Gulfstream V
4. Boeing 707-100
5. Gulfstream V
6. Gulfstream IV
a. Greyston/St Petersburg Clearwater Int’l
b. Westchester Co/Miami Int’l
c. San Francisco Int’l/JFK
d. Nassau Int’l/Providenciales (Turks and Caicos)
e. Teterboro/Austin Bergstrom Int’l
f. San Francisco Int’l/JFK
1. 3 hours 19 minutes
2. 52 minutes
3. 5 hours 46 minutes
4. 29 minutes
5. 2 hours 28 minutes
6. 5 hours 46 minutes
“I’m paying for this flight with my back dating bonuses.”
“Did anyone see my cover of II in that Superman costume? Yeah, I looked good.”
“Email me at larry must die (all one word) at”
“Email me at sergey must die (all one word) at”
“Screw the warm towels—I’ve got a suitcase full of Viagra in the overhead compartment. And I didn’t pay for any of it.”