Planespotting

Planespotting: Doing It With Blindfolds

Which private investment and advisory firm founded in 1985 by Peter G. Peterson and Stephen A. Schwarzman took the company Raytheon Hawker 800 to the embarrassingly déclassé (we’re talking on the MySpace level) Southwest Florida Int’l Airport?
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Which Forbes 400 octogenarian from Philadelphia flew her Gulfstream V to Luton (UK) Airport, phamaldehide and all?
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Which Oracle CEO– who Indian-gave Harvard $115 mm last year– made the trip to San Fransisco Int’l on his Bombardier Global Express?
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Planespotting: Taking Things Too Far?*

Microsoft (Bill? Why not.): Ft. Lauderdale Hollywood Int’l to Princess Juliana Int’l (St. Maarten) on its Cessna Citation X.
(Princess Juliana Int’l. Princess Juliana International Airport. Where you’re picked up in a hot pink convertible and whisked away to Barbie’s Dream House, without ever having to set eyes on a native or a person not made of plastic, at which a legion of G.I. Joe dolls patiently wait for the gang-rape to commence and Skipper, if she’s a good girl, gets invited to join the fun. Bill, we never knew you were such a dirty bitch. The whole computer-geek thing was a great cover for being a sick pervert. This is a welcomed surprise, our little four-eyed friend. A welcomed surprise, indeed.)
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Warren Buffett: Orlando Int’l to Farnborough (London) to Keflavik Nas (Iceland) on his Gulfstream V
(At our last editorial meeting, Carney told us to “drag Warren Buffett’s name through the mud like a coked-out whore, no matter the circumstances” (as he believes doing so will help him score with Buff’s estranged granddaughter, Nicole Buffett). Carney’s kind of like our boss in this whole operation so we were planning on doing as we were told (despite the fact that we’re pretty sure he’s already moved on to his next victim, George Soros’s niece Patsie, age 16. Sorry, Nikki). But then we remembered our General Manager’s raging, inexplicable obsession with Keflavik Nas and pondered what the rest of the day would be like being forced to look at pictures of “heaven on earth” (for the twelfth time this week) until we “got it through [our] thick skulls that nobody fucks with Keflavik Nas. Nobody.” Here’s what we came up with:)
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[Editors Note: I had nothing do with this, Nikki. -- JC]
Leonore Annenberg: Palm Springs Int’l to Rochester (MN) Int’l on her Gulfstream V
(Was alive when the Titanic set sail but you know the ho’s got some tricks up her sleeve.)
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*Or just far enough?

Planespotting: Agents, Sluts, Cravolta, Money

William Morris Agency (ostensibly President Jim Wiatt but who can ever really know these things): Nassau Int’l (Bahamas) to Wilmington Int’l on its Gulfstream G200
(We were going to give this little jaunt low marks on account of its personally offensive nature; one dead hooker, and nothing more. Honestly, since Dawson’s Creek ended, who goes to Wilmington, NC, anymore, hmm? It’s like we always say: No Joey Potter, no Wilmington. For all intents and purposes, we’ve written the dump off as dead. So one dead hooker it was. But then, oh then, just as we were about to move on to our next victim, we got some news that shook our 1-5 dead hookers rating scale to the core. The William Morris Agency counts Starbucks as one of its corporate clients and while we love ourselves a good grande soy latte we do not love ourselves a good Akeelah and The Bee! In fact, and this might sound harsh but goddamnit, it’s got to be said: we fucking hate that goddamn girl and her goddamn fucking bee. And here’s what we’re going to do about it: William Morris Agency? No fucking dead hookers! No fucking dead hookers for you!)
YOU GET NOTHING!
Paris Hilton: Van Nuys to Luton (Bedfordshire) on her (family’s) Gulfstream V
(Like the William Morris Agency, this entry took an unexpected turn at the 11th hour, dead hooker-wise. Bedfordshire…pretty boring, right? Wrong– when you take a second to realize the odds are pretty good that P. Hilts piloted the plane herself, drunk.) (Sidebar: you can get STDS through your clothes)
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John Travolta: Opa Locka to Hamilton (again) on his Boeing 707-100
(We’re not saying he’s gay but with no artfully and painstakingly crafted story to get out of the proverbial hot water this time, this trip looks fishy, to say the least)
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Tom Cruise: Telluride Regional Airport to BWI Airport on his Gulfstream V (AKA “Kiss Me Kate”)
(Family of 5 in Maryland to take in a Redskins game = totally legit, not “crazy.” Flying there on a plane named “Kiss Me Kate” = a little gay. But we’ll throw Tom a “bone,” this time, something he’s never been “thrown” before (wink, wink, slap knee, kill self))
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The Blackstone Group: Bermuda Int’l to Southwest Florida Int’l on its Raytheon Hawker 800
(Just ’cause)
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Charles Schwab: Greater Rochester Int’l to Harry Clever Field (New Philadelphia, OH) on his Learjet 31
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(Ask Chuck…what the fuck he’s doing in New Philadelphia, Ohio.)
Roman Abramovich: Ted Stevens Anchorage Int’l to Ugolny (Russia) on his Boeing 767-300
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(If you know what’s good for you, don’t ask Roman what he’s doing in Ugolny.)
Donald Trump: Cecil Field (Jacksonville, FL) to Pease Int’l Tradeport (NH) on his Boeing 727-100
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(Is Donald running for President? Who goes to New Hampshire in August? Or ever? This hurts us, D.)

Planespotting: ibid

Air Force One: Austin Bergstrom Int’l to East Texas Regional on the Boeing 747-200B
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Oprah: Teterboro to Leopold Sedar Senghor Int’l (Senegal) on her Gulfstream V
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(We get it, you’re African. Quit ramming it down our throats. Do you see us in Haifa?)
JK Rowling: Heathrow Airport to McArthur Airport on her Cessna 421
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(Not that we give a shit about Harry Potter, but the woman who is planning on killing off the boy wizard will remain dead to us until conditions improve. End of discussion.)

Planespotting: Talking You Down From The Ledge

GV.jpgWe changed things up a bit this week—in the form of more dead hookers and less labor-intensive reading—and were met with more heavy handed moans than ones indicative of pleasure. For those of you who recently learned to read, we realize this must’ve come as a relief; “Three cheers for less words cluttering up the page!” you said. However, for our Planespotting disciples out there who are not happy unless we’ve convinced credible sources that Ashlee Simpson’s pulling an Anne Frank in a SOHO loft co-owned by David Geffen and SNL flack Marci Klein, that the director of the NYSE touched Donald Trump’s wife in her bad place while vacationing in Cabo, and the like, this week was nothing short of a crock of shit. “What is this, DealBook?” you asked yourselves. DealBook, you may rest assured, it most certainly is not. So wipe those eyes and peel yourselves off the bathroom floor because next week we’ll be back with a Planespotting that not only knows how you like it but will also answer that syphilis-like burning question—who shot JR? Hint: it involves Jeffrey Epstein (obviously), Goldman Sachs, and the fact that Adrien Grenier’s been fucking up Entourage lately by trying to act. Stay tuned.
Warren Buffett: Dallas Love Field to Brunswick Golden Isles (GA) on his Gulfstream IV
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Michael Pickens (son of T. Boone): Dodge City Regional to Forbes Field (KS) on his Beechcraft Debonair
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Donald Trump: Cecil Field (FL) to Pease Int’l Tradeport (NH) on his Boeing 727-100
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[What, pray tell, do the mud flap girls represent? A key, for the woefully misguided]
Oprah: Teterboro to Leopold Sedar Senghor Int’l (Senegal) on her Gulfstream V
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(Like a J in Jerusalem).
Pfizer: Westchester Co. Airport to Nantucket Memorial on its Gulfstream V
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Warren Buffett: North Eleuthera to Palm Beach Int’l on his Cessna Citation Excel
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(Jeffrey? Let’s just say yes. It’s dirtier that way and let’s call a spade a spade– you like it like that). Epstein Enterprises: Danville Regional (VA) to Anderson Regional (SC) on his Cessna 340
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