$$$ Deals: Sprinting into the Future?
In our M&A Roundup for the week ended May 11, as "near deals" percolate, the two top transactions may foreshadow a bigger move involving Nextel. [CFO.com]

$$$ 2 Indicted in UBS Tax Fraud Case [NYT]

$$$ Walk of Shame [1-2]

“I think that the use of the word loss in this case is pejorative and actually not at all accurate,” sniffed [Fortress CEO Wes] Edens to Rashad Fonti, analyst from Citigroup, when the matter of FIG’s public portfolio holdings falling from $7.18 billion to $765 million was brought up in passing.

Fortress CEO to analysts: We don’t call them “losses” [Reuters]

Less than a week after Steve Schwarzman’s Nagasaki joke bombed in Boca (of his failure to get the loan money to buy mortgage company PHH, Crab Hands said, “Trying to buy a mortgage bank in the midst of the subprime crisis was the equivalent of being a noodle salesman in Nagasaki when the atomic bomb went off. Not a lot of noodles left, or even a person, and that’s what happened to us on this deal.”), Blackstone has announced it would like to get in on some deal opportunities in Asia.

It plans to do so with the launch of Blackstone Altius Advisors, an event-driven strategy based in Hong Kong, with staff in Tokyo, Mumbai, and New York, and focused on money making schemes on the left-hand side of the Pacific. Good to see no one over there’s holding a grudge. Though, to be fair, it’s been a while since the atrocities that Schwarzman made light of in Florida went down. That real test would be to have Schwarzman make some cyclone cracks in his next public appearance, and see if they have an effect on Blackstone’s (non-existent) business efforts in Myanmar (which you know he would probably call Burma, after making "Formosa" and "Peking" jokes).

Blackstone to Launch Blackstone Altius Advisors, an Asia-Focused, Event-Driven Investment Business [BusinessWire]

Non-profit organization Junior Achievement of New York, which places volunteers in NYC and Long Island class rooms to “teach students about their role in society and how to successfully navigate their futures,” held its annual Stock Market Challenge last night. The fundraiser, sponsored this year by Merrill Lynch, simulates 60 days of trading, with teams (from banks and other businesses) being issued $500,000 in mock dollars that they use to purchase fake stocks before the “opening bell.” They then buy and sell through a “floor trader,” several of which roam the room taking orders. All proceeds go to funding JANY’s programs. Unfortunately, we weren’t invited. Luckily, one participant took copious notes. Normally we’d make you wait for the results (as you would expect, ranking from first to last place is determined by how much "money" each team has at the end), but they’re too hilarious—and telling—not to put out there up front. (You’ll note that Citi did not place in the Top Ten, which had less to with lacking skills and more to with neither participating nor donating to the event, because it was awake at the office doing work.)


1. Best Buy (1)
2. WaMu
3. Merrill
4. Deloitte
5. Keyspan (1)
6. Goldman (2)
7. KPMG
8. Best Buy (2)
9. Keyspan (2)
10. (I forget, but not a big-dog)
11. Pitney Bowes
.......
19. Goldman (2)

We casually mentioned yesterday that perhaps Oppenheimer analyst Meredith Whitney ought cut the stand-up from her Citi reports, but only because we think her bits are much (more unintentionally) funnier when she lets the facts (“We’ve got a horrible slogan,” “We just lost a trillion dollars,” “We’re two quarters away from $10”) speak for themselves. But we got so caught up in the fact that she’d make a Stephen Hawking joke that we failed to notice that the dollar dominatrix seems to have sent the message that she’s done with big C entirely.

“We wish [Citi’s] management team all the best in their ambitious endeavors, but we fear [it] is past the point of fixing,” Whitney wrote. Does that not sound like a “Thank you and good night”? “You’ve been a great audience, but there’s really nothing left to say”? Where is she supposed to go from there? (She can't very well start recycling the dividend slashing routine at this point.) Obviously Whitney's grown weary of the 'group, and set her sights on a bigger challenge. We're thinking Merrill, but if you've got a better idea (JPMorgan), feel free to get it off your chest at this time.

Citi Is Beyond Repair [NYP]

Now that Jamie Dimon has admitted that JPMorgan will make a billion dollars from the Bear deal, do you think he’ll stick to his previous promise to never again buy another failing investment bank at the last minute?

BARTIROMO: You only had 48 hours to do the due diligence, correct?

DIMON: That's correct.

BARTIROMO: That had to be a huge risk.

DIMON: It's the last time I will ever do something like that.

CNBC's Maria Bartiromo Speaks Exclusively with JP Morgan Chase CEO Jamie Dimon on "Closing Bell" [CNBC]
JPMorgan CEO sees $1 bln gain from Bear deal [Reuters]

$$$ Bear bankers "becoming spa swans and gym rats." [NYMag]

$$$ Atkins departure from SEC mixed blessing for hedge funds [TheDeal]

$$$ Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch Loan Sold by Fortress to Colony [Bloomberg]

You know what’s something that used to be considered gauche but is now de rigueur with the Hamptons set so you know it’s cool? Not paying your mortgage. Apparently a bunch of Hamptons residents have been neglecting to send their checks to Angelo Mozilo’s PO Box these last couple months, former UBS executives included, which sounds about right. Erstwhile UBS employee Marc Warren is among the 120 homeowners who’ve had preliminary foreclosure actions (lis pendens proceedings) taken against them for loans exceeding $1 million. And they may soon be in even better company, if no one’s in a buying mood—Concoran broker Susan Breitenbach says she’s been called by dozens of Bear Stearns employees “desperate to unload their East End homes.” Hopefully they’ll be able to do so, and not join the growing number of EE homes (ten to date) that’ve been foreclosed outright since January. Which brings us to today’s reader poll-- who’s the (former) deadbeat owner of this $15 million Westhampton home, pictured above? The Post doesn’t say, but we have faith the DealBreaker brain trust can figure it out.

Related: Trader Made Billions on Subprime

Trouble In LI Paradise [NYP]

We’re not suggesting in the slightest that Citi’s new-old slogan, “Citi Never Sleeps,” doesn’t strike us a tagline that would get Meredith Whitney going, “You know, I’m starting to think that those guys know what they’re doing over there,” but we have been wondering why the firm felt the need to rebrand itself as the posterchild for insomnia. The real reason is apparently that they simply couldn’t afford a new one, but as the C puts it, when you’ve got GOLD like “Citi Never Sleeps” just lying around, you go with it.

Shortly after Vikram S. Pandit took over in December, he scratched the “Let’s Get It Done” slogan and ordered up the “Citi Never Sleeps” tagline. Though the phrase was introduced around the invention of the A.T.M. and 24-hour banking, Mr. Pandit thought it better promoted the bank’s global presence.

“This is an extraordinary asset, and guess what, we own it,” said Ms. Caputo, who is also leading the new campaign. “It made all kinds of sense to bring it forth and advertise it.”

Citi’s New Slogan Is Said to Be Second Choice [NYTimes]

Sooo. Moments after we announced our latest market moving experiment, inspired by the stomach rumblings of Charlie Gasparino, C to the G called us to “set the record straight.” Gasparino, who seemed a bit perturbed at Barron’s writer Jonathan Laing’s suggestion that he’d been fed the “Ambac or MBIA will be downgraded” story by Bill Ackman, told us: “A lot of journalists take shots at people without calling them first. This guy lacks the integrity to call me first and at least find out if something is right or wrong. He failed Journalism 101.” Prepared, network-approved comments aside, however, we’ve heard that Gasparino put it slightly less lightly to friends, saying: “This guy didn’t have the balls or the brains to call me. If he had half a brain or half a testicle, he would have at least dialed me up before I fly out to Chicago and dial him up. I hope he sleeps well tonight.” When asked to confirm that the harsher, mildly more litigious words had exited his mouth, CG only offered “no comment.” You do the math. (And: start doing something with that Bear news I mentioned. Time’s running out!)