HeadlessHorseman's Profile
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posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 27, 2009 11:06PM
This is bizarre. It's as though he's resolved to be expunged from society via a supernova of public humiliation entirely his own making, but he just can't finish the job because he's too distracted by a perpetual hard-on (sustained solely by his delusions of self-grandeur).
In related news, Lenny Dykstra has inked a deal to be the spokesman for "Famous Fucktards", an upstart porn website targeting schadenfreude enthusiasts. As part of the agreement, Mr. Dykstra has apparently sold the story of his spectacular journey from sports icon to what website promoters are advertising as “the new standard in sadomasochistic autofellatio.” The website’s owner is said to have obtained the rights to the story in exchange for an undisclosed number of flying hours in his 1972 Cessna 172 Skyhawk. While neither Mr. Dykstra nor his agent, a Mr. Charlie Gasporelli, were able to be reached for comment, we should note that the offices of “Gaspo’s Sports Super Bodega, Inc.” was destroyed earlier today in what is stunned onlookers are calling “a tragic gasoline fight accident”.
Entry: Who Are The Hottest Ladies In Business Television?
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 28, 2009 2:01PM
Melissa Francis makes it move.
Entry: Switzerland Needs A Rescue
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 11:47AM
@8
Agreed. This post was succinct and entirely comprehendible after just one reading. The sentences appear to have been confined to one thought each, expressed in less than a 100 words.
As demonstrated by comment 7, the picture could have easily been tweaked to make it humorous...although I think Greg was satisfied knowing he lobbed a softball to the thousands of Dennis Kneale wannabes that appear to have infested this site. It's a solid base hit. Save the Greg bashing for when he’s earned it.
@14
If this page gets a couple hundred views, and we assume a modicum of intelligence (Collie fuckers and Greg's mom notwithstanding) from each reader, I'm certain the collective creation of the commentariat can consistently clobber Greg's work. The same thing can even be said of Bess’s scriptures (GASP!). That said, you’ll be please to know that there’s already a website where you can read more about the Swiss Guard and even edit the content if you see something not to your liking…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Swiss_Guard
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 11:56AM
I heard Citi still intends to hold this year's dick jousting tournament...so there's that.
Entry: Tim Geithner Needs To Take A Personal Day
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 1:34PM
Greg,
Uninspired, thoughtless, formulaic, and repetitive drivel completely devoid of humor coming from a guest commentator that couldn’t be bothered to even read the post. Listless and vapid attempts to validate what is presumed to be a very lonely and empty existence by means of compulsively (and anonymously) jumping on every trend/bandwagon (on a website) in desperate, but ultimately fruitless, attempts to foster a sense of belonging and community.
Love,
A relative of Greg
(Now I too am one of the cool kids on this site! Yes!)
Entry: CNBC Inching Closer And Closer To Dropping The Pretense (And Panties)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 1:54PM
In related news, DB is dropping whatever little pretense there was in being a "Wall Street tabloid" and inching closer to "Maxim Magazine Online"...commentariat included.
When the next Abercrombie or American Apparel catalog comes out, I'll be sure to send a copy to CNBC. They'll air a story with some web content to try and maintain market share (by appealing to the lowest common denominator) and then we can read about it here where it will generate page views and "I'd hit it" comments.
Entry: Who Enjoyed Last Year's Meltdown?
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 2:25PM
"But, when put to a vote, more people than you would think were pleased with the collective work of the institutions that inflicted pain on the global economy." - Greg Michaels
I defended you in TWO separate posts earlier today and this is how you thank me? Are you fucking high right now?
All I can think of is that your high school English teacher must have had a really twisted sense of humor.
If I were to describe your writing to someone who’s had the good fortune of having not read you, it would go something like this:
Greg Michael’s wholesale desecration of written language is comparable to the “Hostel” and “Saw” movies series in its enthusiastic embrace of all things grotesque. But lacking whatever little sense of artistic purpose exhibited by the movies’ antagonists, Greg Michaels ambles about like paranoid retard wielding dull axe at shadows. Be forewarned: reading him for prolonged periods of time is known to the state of California to induce catatonic stupors.
Entry: CNBC Inching Closer And Closer To Dropping The Pretense (And Panties)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 2:47PM
Bess,
Apparently, I struck a nerve. While you're correct, the C-bomb was a bit over the top, no? Although I don't purport to have read everything you've ever written, I can't recall you invoking that one before. I hope we can still be friends.
@ 46 - Equivalent or slightly more so in real life. I'm like kryptonite for positive thinking.
@ 48 - That was my principle reason for having selected it.
@ Naked - Your comments were, of course, excluded. 41 hadn't even posted prior to my rant (I don't refresh prior to posting) and the C section one was an unexpected gift.
@ SB - Nicely done.
Entry: CNBC Inching Closer And Closer To Dropping The Pretense (And Panties)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 3:15PM
Bess,
Even though I bet you're sensy when you're angry, I'll try and mix it up a little bit. Still, I can only imagine what must come out of your mouth in bed.
@ 51
Thanks largely to the internet, I haven't rented or purchased porn since college. Genre-wise I go for movies where the women are totally inhibited. I like the rough, taboo, no holds barred stuff where the women seem to genuinely enjoy the physicality of it. A differentiating factor between good and great porn is an innocent looking woman (no full-back tattoos of landscapes, minimal piercings) with a naturally dirty mouth.
Entry: CNBC Inching Closer And Closer To Dropping The Pretense (And Panties)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Oct 30, 2009 3:16PM
*uninhibited
Entry: Alleged Insider Trader Emanuel Goffer "Needs A Hug"
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 05, 2009 1:21PM
@48
The rabbi's gonna put the smackdown on your ass when he reads that (surprised his antisemitizam radar has already blown up).
Entry: Citi Alternative Investments Gets Much Needed... New Name
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 12:21PM
I vote that 13, 15, 16, and 17 purchase four cheap handguns and the required ammunition from the local sporting goods store and then rent a cheap motel room.
Once in the motel, they each form a circle. In an exciting deviation from their regular routine, they then count to three at which point each man offs the asshole to the left with his pistol…as opposed to jerking off on him as would typically be the case.
http://www.ableammo.com/catalog/default.php?cPath=9935_13105
Entry: Caption Contest Friday: How Can We Get Back To Here?
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 12:56PM
10 comments and no thinly-veiled reference to jail time?
Fine:
It's good to see that Emanuel and Zvi are already used to spending rough nights in close quarters with a bunch of dudes.
Entry: Caption Contest Friday: How Can We Get Back To Here?
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 12:59PM
Oh yeah...and these guys are "shitheels".
Entry: Mama Goffer Threatens To Call The Police (Not On Her Sons)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 6:01PM
Yeah! Let's all find these guys wives and make fun of them next!
I bet we can get one of the wives to cry if someone from Dealbreaker poses as a journalist and asks them questions about whether it will be difficult to raise the kids without a father. Make sure to take pictures so the commentariat can enjoy it.
Maybe we could ask about how they and their children plan to deal with the stigma associated with their last name? That would be so awesome.
@ Bess
I always new you were a woman of great integrity.
Entry: Mama Goffer Threatens To Call The Police (Not On Her Sons)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 6:02PM
*knew
Entry: Mama Goffer Threatens To Call The Police (Not On Her Sons)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 6:19PM
Bess,
I get that you didn't write it. Does that also imply that you have no voice (however small and inconsequential) in the content of this site? I don't know...I thought that's what "editor" meant.
Let's all have a good laugh at the expense of these assholes' mother. It's even funnier since she's probably doing really well about now. And it's not enought to just laugh at her...let's make sure she knows it. Besides, if anyone deserves it, surely it's the mother.
You've got to be please with the page views though? So I guess in that respect it's worthwhile. Really classy.
Entry: Mama Goffer Threatens To Call The Police (Not On Her Sons)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 6:50PM
@ Anal_yst
Agreed. If anyone has gone too far, clearly it's me.
Provoking an obviously distraught and presumably innocent grandmother regarding her two sons likely going to prison (thereby leaving her grandchildren effectively fatherless) as a means of pandering to a bunch of schadenfreude enthusiasts is right on par. Or perhaps asking the mother “Dalia - how are you feeling about your sons arrest today. Did the FBI get the wrong boys?” is honestly what passes for inquisitive journalism around here? Given the circumstances, and the FBI’s notorious tendency to publicly arrest completely innocent people in conjunction with large sting operations…these seem like a genuine questions need to be answered. And who would know more about a complex insider trading scheme then…wait for it…the accused mother!
Besides, it's apparently to be expected due to the "parental responsibility" that you've invoked. It's practically common knowledge that she was a horrible mother and, as such, is deserving of being further humiliated for our enjoyment.
As for Bess, I wouldn’t have taken issue with her if she wasn’t so quick to offer up a condescending cop out.
Entry: Mama Goffer Threatens To Call The Police (Not On Her Sons)
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Nov 06, 2009 8:06PM
Bess,
How is it my fucking fault for not knowing that BreakingMedia has a thing for inflating job titles? What is this Fashion Meets Finance? In any event, I apologize for not knowing that your job title is more of an “honorary type of thing.” Boy do I feel stupid.
@66
I agree with your first sentence, but disagree with the rest. I suppose such differences of opinion are likely the result of you getting your "news" from TMZ and my preference for The Economist.
Tax Chick,
Sorry. My wife’s on the rag so that means no sensy time for me. Just some misdirected frustration with a dramatic flair.
Anal_yst,
Glad to help. I’ll try to cook up a new routine, but negativity is just so easy. That said, sometimes I even tire of my own writing.
InfiniteGuest,
I doubt that Teri really needed to provide such an “opportunity.” Despite the horrible spelling, I would assume Dalia knows how to use a phone if she had something to say.
TB: “How are you feeling about your sons arrest today?”
Dalia: “It’s really exciting. I’m a big fan of that Law and Order TV series and so I can’t wait to be a part media circus that will likely consume my life in the near term. Do you think I’ll get to be on TV?”
TB: “Did the FBI get the wrong boys”
Dalia: “Well, given my extensive knowledge of the applicable securities laws, and the fact that I have virtually unrestricted access to what my sons do while at work just like most mothers, especially those with sons that work in finance…I can tell you that they’re almost certainly innocent. I’m currently leveraging my encyclopedic knowledge of the trades they were involved in to mount a defense against these preposterous allegations. Must have been two coincidental cases of mistaken identities. Everyone knows how careless the FBI typically is with those big sting operations.
I mean what was Teri expecting?
Entry: An Upset In The Derivatives World
posted by HeadlessHorseman
Sep 24, 2009 5:38PM
@30
I'll assume you're referring to the fact that I'm a hedonistic atheist that's too intelligent to subscribe to religion.
Rent Bill Maher's "Religulous" (but be prepared to feel a lot of remorse for all the institutionalized child sodomy that you presumably endured while growing up...because you'll likely come away realizing there's no heaven and no hell, just a bunch of dirt). I don't typically deputize Bill Maher into my arguments, but he covers quite a bit of ground in about 90 minutes, and besides; it doesn't take a Nobel to make religion look stupid.