Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

Apparently it has become fashionable to bash higher education. And it seems to be even more fashionable to bash higher higher education and the graduate programs that compose it. It doesn’t take an in-depth understanding of non-linear systems in mathematics to draw a straight line right to the premise that bashing the highest institutions of higher higher education [(higher)³ if you will] has become the most fashionable. This little bit of social algebra is borne out by the number of no-nothing articles, petty blogs and opinionated op-ed pieces that have, of late, attacked no lesser a monument than the noble and proud edifice of the Harvard Business School.

A recent Bloomberg piece (written by a Columbia graduate, obviously) went so far as to suggest that a November task-force was formed at HBS as a reaction to scrutinize the ability of HBS to teach risk management and develop a case to facilitate that goal. Of course, this betrays a very poor understanding of the role of cases at HBS. Harvard cases are written to market to other institutions. Attempting to teach actual Harvard cases to Harvard students would result in a massive and near violent revolt of apathy and boredom. The width and breadth of world experience already under the skirt of the matriculating Harvard student makes any attempt to teach the trite and condescending prose that typifies the average Harvard case the height of effrontery. To the extent cases are discussed at all in HBS classes it is to critique them for their eventual redistribution to the Crimson-challenged. Clearly, the task-force discussed in the article is to distribute better risk management teaching expertise to the world and prevent the sort of melt-down that non-Harvard types seem to enjoy causing every 20 years or so. Despite all our efforts to place alumni at the top, and in key positions around the country, incompetent minions, listless staff and executives who cannot learn to take orders manage to scuttle our progress time after time.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

Many organizations found their real focus when forced underground, you know.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I am sick and tired of all the doom-sayers going around and trashing the economy. Someone please explain to me how the economy can be “tanking” when an automaker is the largest market cap stock in the world, eclipsing an oil company? Does that sound like recession to you? When a middle-class yuppie car with so-so gas mileage is putting the black gold people to shame? I don’t think so.

Then there is the hint that says all that needs saying: certain highly prestigious investment banks are back into the triple digits where they belong. Yahoo and AOL are in talks that will permit Yahoo to finally overpay for AOL. Casinos are back in vogue. Don’t give me that “dead cat bounce” thing either. That is so, so tired.

Look, it is beyond depressing when Cramer is the only person who agrees with me. Let’s get on the stick ok?

As you may or may not be aware, my birthday is this week. I’m expecting big things from the ‘rents this year. As such, you people need to get on it and start buying some shares. Get off the sidelines. The nation is looking to us for leadership. My birthday presents are looking to you for leadership. We have to set the pace. Sprint for the first few miles. Then we can relax, let the pack follow along, and lag back until a taxi comes along to take us to the finish. You know what I mean. I’m talking about consumer confidence. I’m talking about spending. I’m talking about boosting the debt loads again. I’m talking about patriotism.

I realize that it looks a little like we have to behave ourselves and be good while Waxman is watching, but its just temporary. This is no time to cancel plans for Lech. This is not the time to postpone the engagement. This is absolutely not the time to cancel the sailing trip.

As for your fear-factor rhetoric, I don’t want to hear it. Get your ass in gear and start buying baubles for your loved one. That is what is needed today. Purchase courage.

Ok, you people, you are not listening. Just since I’ve been typing this you bombed the entire market. We were up to 970 on the SAP for god sake. You killed 40 points in 4 minutes. That is not cooperation. That is not the kind of leadership I am talking about. Is there a man among you? Even one? Am I going to have to find a date from Citibank for the Christmas party this year?

I’m done for the day. I am going to borrow Aunty’s oxygen tank for a few minutes and then I am going for a well deserved spa day.

I feel totally nauseous. You people make me sick.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I’m sure that a certain subset of my public understands the occasional difficulties implicit in the “work hard, play hard” lifestyle. You know who you are, my lovelies.

Sometimes you just have to go with the flow a little on Wednesday after work. The blackberry starts buzzing around 6:30 or 7:00, with friends planning and plotting the evening’s entertainment. While most of my inner circle aren’t prone to childish bickering, they can try the patience with the back and forth over the “perfect environment for after work cocktails” debate. (Personally, I grow tired of ‘Netti since that tart Lauren is always there. I really don’t know who she thinks she is. Someone cares, I’m certain, that her boyfriend is from California, but I don’t know precisely who that someone is).

And you get there, a little tired because you were trying to work a little less hard than usual and avoid that bastard of a Senior Vice President who keeps looking at your boobs and still hasn’t figured out that you can totally tell and your sponsor Managing Director is out of town and I am pretty sure that he is seeing someone else and I don’t mean his wife and that would totally make him a liar and I just don’t have time for liars at this stage in my life, so you probably have that first cosmo a little faster than you mean to and the second one is sort of in your hand before you know it.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

All month people were crying and whining about how awfully-ouchie-devastating the market was. And then, last week, it was positively depressing the lack of enthusiasm and spirit some market players, who really should have known better, showed. Shame on you. Frankly, I am tempted to wonder after the patriotism of anyone who was doom-and-glooming last week.

People forget awfully quickly that a few hundred points on the Dow is something like several trillion dollars. So, really, owning stock in Dow is really a big responsibility. It’s not for everyone. Just for the record, Dow was up 6.93% today, closing at $26.09.

The broader market showed amazing spunk! The S&P 500 was up 104.13 (11.58%) to 1003.35.

Also, people have totally ignored that prices for the average consumer have been dropping for weeks. Platts puts the weekly price of Jet A at $2.73 cents. That’s like a 15.0% drop in the last month! The operations of senior managers and the few prestigious investment banks still left standing because of their exceptional investment acumen are going to be much cheaper as a result of lowered fuel costs. Not to mention the impact this has on the recreational sector, just in time for the winter holiday travel season.

The rest of the Muff Round-Up after the jump.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I really don’t think Portfolio is being fair to Cody Willard.

The Fox Business host is mocked in the most condescending of tones by Jeff Bercovici, who given his appearance, should probably not be throwing stones. This is a pity, because he looks a little like Dan Loeb (Danny, I left messages, call me, ok?). Well, all right, Dan Loeb after a some really bad coke and wrong turn somewhere in New Jersey.

The world of finance is very image conscious. Cody understands this implicitly. His Samson-like tendrils are a statement. A strong and powerful message. “I am here,” they silently protest. Financial media is even more image conscious than finance is. So it stands to reason that Cody would be particular about his hair.

Still, Cody, we might have to work on that tie.

FBN’s Willard: ‘I Love My Hairstylist to Death’ [Portfolio]

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

Quick, name the source of this quote: “The shortage of fossil fuels will happen far earlier than a real change in global warming, it will happen in the next 50 years.” I’ll give you a hint, it is one of the foremost authorities on petroleum products.

No, but good guess.

It was Dr. Franz-Josef Paefgen, Chief Executive of Bentley. Personally, when it comes to energy matters and finance, I can’t think of a better source than someone like Paefgen, who must have his well-manicured finger directly on the pulse of the petroleum marketplace. He cuts a stylish figure across the showroom and is always quick to address the concerns of clients and investors with a soft touch and a quick smile.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I feel quite vindicated, really.

Being contrarian can be very difficult going for people without a strong sense of themselves and the kind of background to tap broad experience and knowledge to look beyond the “hype.” Not everyone is cut out for the work.

So when a major New York newspaper goes to press with the news that the economic downturn is more media hysteria than reality, I smile to myself. I’ve been making this point, particularly about banks, for some time. Of course, some of us actually put our money where our mouth is.

Add to that a major, national business magazine with the same news and I think you will soon see that optimism shouldn’t be going out of style.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

10. His boyish charm has nothing to do with money. (We’ll have to work on the salt-and-pepper hair thing though).


9. He’s outstanding at pressuring our dry cleaners to pay for the ruined Valentino and institute an immediate receipt buy-back plan.


8. Won’t ever be allowed in a Target during the relationship. (We didn’t need a reason, but its nice to have the rule in place).


7. Cleaning up the Cayman Island’s shells requires a trip to the Cayman Islands.


6. Two words: Jewish Sympathy.


5. His half-day experience working at McDonald’s as part of his research into the firm is actually good job security.


4. Harvard University.


3. Harvard Business School.


2. I can see myself in those blue eyes.

and…

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

A reader writes:

Dear Muff Diver:

Annoyed in Albany

I will have you know that my experience has helped many people. Not least of which was the reader who wrote in earlier this month looking for resume advice. Today I got a nice little thank you note. I reproduce it below:

Dear Ms. Muffie:

Thanks
R. Mondavi

For your information, many people value my important contributions to the world of high finance.

—
Muffie Benson-Perella reserves the right to edit and reprint all submissions. Forward all your critical finance and personal (but not personal finance, that’s for the PCS group) questions to : muffie AT dealbreaker.com