Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I really don't think Portfolio is being fair to Cody Willard.

The Fox Business host is mocked in the most condescending of tones by Jeff Bercovici, who given his appearance, should probably not be throwing stones. This is a pity, because he looks a little like Dan Loeb (Danny, I left messages, call me, ok?). Well, all right, Dan Loeb after a some really bad coke and wrong turn somewhere in New Jersey.

The world of finance is very image conscious. Cody understands this implicitly. His Samson-like tendrils are a statement. A strong and powerful message. "I am here," they silently protest. Financial media is even more image conscious than finance is. So it stands to reason that Cody would be particular about his hair.

Still, Cody, we might have to work on that tie.

FBN's Willard: 'I Love My Hairstylist to Death' [Portfolio]

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

Quick, name the source of this quote: “The shortage of fossil fuels will happen far earlier than a real change in global warming, it will happen in the next 50 years.” I'll give you a hint, it is one of the foremost authorities on petroleum products.

No, but good guess.

It was Dr. Franz-Josef Paefgen, Chief Executive of Bentley. Personally, when it comes to energy matters and finance, I can't think of a better source than someone like Paefgen, who must have his well-manicured finger directly on the pulse of the petroleum marketplace. He cuts a stylish figure across the showroom and is always quick to address the concerns of clients and investors with a soft touch and a quick smile.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

I feel quite vindicated, really.

Being contrarian can be very difficult going for people without a strong sense of themselves and the kind of background to tap broad experience and knowledge to look beyond the "hype." Not everyone is cut out for the work.

So when a major New York newspaper goes to press with the news that the economic downturn is more media hysteria than reality, I smile to myself. I've been making this point, particularly about banks, for some time. Of course, some of us actually put our money where our mouth is.

Add to that a major, national business magazine with the same news and I think you will soon see that optimism shouldn't be going out of style.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

10. His boyish charm has nothing to do with money. (We'll have to work on the salt-and-pepper hair thing though).


9. He's outstanding at pressuring our dry cleaners to pay for the ruined Valentino and institute an immediate receipt buy-back plan.


8. Won't ever be allowed in a Target during the relationship. (We didn't need a reason, but its nice to have the rule in place).


7. Cleaning up the Cayman Island's shells requires a trip to the Cayman Islands.


6. Two words: Jewish Sympathy.


5. His half-day experience working at McDonald's as part of his research into the firm is actually good job security.


4. Harvard University.


3. Harvard Business School.


2. I can see myself in those blue eyes.

and...

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

A reader writes:

Dear Muff Diver:

Annoyed in Albany

I will have you know that my experience has helped many people. Not least of which was the reader who wrote in earlier this month looking for resume advice. Today I got a nice little thank you note. I reproduce it below:

Dear Ms. Muffie:

Thanks
R. Mondavi

For your information, many people value my important contributions to the world of high finance.

--
Muffie Benson-Perella reserves the right to edit and reprint all submissions. Forward all your critical finance and personal (but not personal finance, that's for the PCS group) questions to : muffie AT dealbreaker.com

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Gay Banker

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Ms Muffie:

Thanks
R. Mondavi

Dear R.:

First, I love your wines.

I'm much better at girls' resumes, you know, but I'll try. Well, this resume needs quite a bit of work. As I have said before, investment banking isn't for everyone, and your engineering background is very difficult to get around, frankly. I have, however, done an extreme makeover of your resume.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

I have to say I'm starting to get really irritated at the recruiting infrastructure in many of the top banks here in New York and London. The bankers they are hiring are terrified of women.

I had three dates with this young man, let's call him "Dean" from one of the "big name" banks in town some months ago. He was actually very charming and quite a Renaissance man. When we went out the first time for drinkies and then dancing later I was pretty impressed and I am sure all my fans know how hard I am to please when it comes to things like this.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Wondering in Washington

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a "Bulge Bracket" bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column "Heard in the Suite" is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

So the people on my deal team are total asses. It is not every day that people get to visit London, but they insist on spending hours and hours "working," which translates to sitting around in conference rooms and hotel rooms and hotel conference rooms (and by the way, someone has to do something about hotel conference rooms, I can't believe my co-workers sit for so long without moving and without their butts hurting) and reviewing "documentation." Personally, I don't call a bunch of spreadsheets "documentation." Documentation is suppose to explain something. Like how to work your iPod, or the best way to keep the leather on your purse in good condition or something. Why the hell did we come to London if they are just going to be in a hotel or conference rooms the whole time? They might as well have been in Atlanta or something. And let me tell you, dear readers, Atlanta is no picnic.

Anyhow, I started taking pictures of the "deal room," which is another totally stupid term since there is no dealmaking going on in there, just reading of more "documentation," but this total bitch of a receptionist told me there was no photography allowed. That is totally stupid considering there were video cameras all over at every corner of the hallways. Hello, how can there be "no photography" when you have cameras everywhere? So I just took pictures when she wasn't looking but then some obnoxious guy actually took my camera away. Can you believe it? That's assault, you know. He gave it back to me but my memory card was missing. Assault and theft. Isn't that robbery or something? Anyhow, I plan to ask Dad what can be done but I didn't get the guy's name. That was stupid.

They were boring pictures anyhow. Just a bunch of boxes with papers in them. I thought I had some pictures from the night before on there but I don't really remember for sure and I can't find the business cards I collected because I left them at someone's house. Anyhow, I got a new memory card and went out to M&S before I had to go to the Airport.

After the camera incident I got a call from a partner at the prestigious investment bank I work for. He had heard about the entire thing already and suggested that I should come home immediately. He was kind of mean but then my Dad's friend on the executive committee called and apologized and said there was lots for me to do for the Ambassador Program back home. Of course, he's right. They had been so beastly there was no reason to let them take advantage of my contributions to the team any longer.

This sign explains a lot. I think the British just have too much attitude. Wedding insurance must be a good bet considering the number of broken off engagements that must pop up once girls find out what dicks British men are. I left a bunch of things at this guy's place and he wouldn't call me back so I could get them back.