Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

Certainly history will write its own lists of heroes and villains with respect to the credit crisis. It is a sort of mandatory, cleansing practice that collates the pages of the current time of troubles. And, while many of history’s verdicts may form less than a consensus, it seems clear that the verdict rendered for Benjamin N. Dover, III will be one of the rosier ones.

Mr. Dover’s sometimes controversial, but always insightful observations writ large by the disclosure requirements of the SEC and FDIC public comment process have set the cutting edge for debate on everything from short-selling to the PPIP programs for the last several weeks. Here is a passage of his work:

Truth #1: Stock Market Crashes Are Caused By Stock Sales.

It should be painfully obvious by now that the market’s decline since November 2007 was caused by stock selling. Not even pernicious speculators like George Soros would dispute this basic truth. Similarly, the market’s steep fall after several large bank failures and the deepening of the economic crisis in September 2008 also was the result of stock selling. We can safely conclude, therefore, that had stock sales been banned in 2007 the stock market crash of 2008-2009 never would have happened. Logically, it follows that banning stock sales would also prevent future market crashes.

Agree or disagree, you simply cannot ignore his common sense approach to markets, finance and economics. But who is Benjamin N. Dover, III? Very little biographical information is available on the maverick finance expert, but I decided to find out. Accordingly, to lift the curtain on this modern finance mind I sat down with Benjamin N. Dover III at the Peninsula for his first public interview:

Muffie Benson-Perella: Benjamin Dover, is that British? Perhaps Irish?

B. Dover: I’m an American original. (Not be confused, of course, with Native American.) And I appreciate your calling me by my given name. For some odd reason, many people seem to find it amusing to use its abbreviation.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT muffmarkets.com) was an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. She concentrated in Contemporary French Poetry at prep school where she was awarded the exclusive premiership of the school’s “French Club.” Today, Ms. Benson-Perella is the Founder and Managing Director of “Muffie on Markets” (http://www.muffmarkets.com), a deep dive into capital markets, finance and investment strategy. She is also the Founder and Managing Director of Muff Cap, LLC., an invitation only, private investment vehicle for non-existent, prestigious and accredited investors only, employing an actively managed, long-short strategy.

There are few things as shameful as the deteriorating state of art and culture in this country. It will come as no surprise to my loyal readers, then, that the subtle, magnificent craft of portraiture appears utterly lost in a thick fog of mediocrity and a pretentious depthlessness. Of course, I can only refer to the latest visual representation of Marc S. Drier (for I cannot bring myself to call it a “picture” or “drawing” much less “art.”)

It is the essence of such representations that their creation at least attempt to rise to the level of their subject. In this case, admittedly, that is a tall order. The almost uniformly elegantly dressed Senior Partner of Park Avenue law firm Dreier LLP, Dreier presents a rich, complex texture, shot through with conflicts, dark veins of opposing forces, their churning opposition pressing the envelopes of the psyche, yearning for nothing but escape, escape, escape. Contrast the subtle signs of whirlwinds below the impeccable exterior with the rarely seen, but palpable, open, unshorn rouge and we can forgive him his undergraduate transgressions at Yale, for he certainly redeemed himself at Harvard Law thereafter, and this institutional combination, fatal in any weaker, less featured personality, permits Dreier to wear scruff like a bright ascot, an opportunity he occasionally indulges to juxtapose polished Fifth Avenue class with the suggestion that “That whole Yale thing” might not be that far from the surface, even after all these years.

There is a brazen yet subtle boldness in Dreier, the kind of audacity that mounts his brilliant deceptions in full view of the world, in the fishbowl of a glass-walled conference room, taunting the prospect of discovery as office staff who might at any time recognize him, call him the wrong name, plunge him into drowning, downward spiraling agony, walk by and casually glance through ethereal walls of glass that offer scant protection. The pulsing rhythm of office traversal, and throbbing mechanics of discovery. And who can deny the social genius of targeting Canadian Teachers and U. S. Real Estate firms as the foils of a fraud designed to sap the savviest of hedge funds? The very fabric of his machinations: wry social commentary.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Dear Muffie:

Betsy “Boom-Boom” Baylor

Dear Boom-Boom:

The best way for me to teach you is by example, so I am including some real-life cause and effect examples from investment banks that involve a legal element.

Example #1: Email from work account

Cause:

——-Original Message——-
From: associate@prestigiousbank.com
Sent: May 20, 2007 4:35 PM
To: associate2@prestigiousbank.com
Subject: test

hey - iwas wondering if you knew anything that could help me pass a saliva/mouth swab test? i think I’m pretty screwed.

Effect:

From: dirhr@prestigiousbank.com (Director of Human Resources)
Sent: May 20, 2007 7:36 PM
Required: Associate; Cindy Reardon (Vice President, Human Resources); Robert Moss (Office of the General Counsel); Richard Fossbath (Managing Director, Investment Banking Division)
When: May 21, 2007 8:00 AM-8:30 AM
Location: Conference Room A, Human Resources, 35th Floor

Accept | Tentative | Decline | Calendar…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Recently, there has been a lot of discussion about “Sub-Prime,” lending and the mortgage backed securities that underpin the industry. Any number of hours have been spent on the lending practices of various banks and who they should be lending to and who they shouldn’t. I think we can clean the entire mess up very simply by tightening credit requirements for home loans. Let’s limit these loans and therefore prevent the kind of damage that puts bad copy in the financial press about my prestigious investment bank. The reputations of these firms are being seriously harmed by this sub-prime nonsense.

I propose several additions to the credit applications for home loans. This presents a simple and effective check on bad loans before they ever get started and therefore before they make it in to the mortgage backed securities that we rely on to preserve our profits.

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Sometimes, when your BBFs turn out to be unsupportive scabs, you just need to distract yourself. Unfortunately, right when that happens you seem to get a bunch of outside influences tugging at you. Well, because a certain editor violated my privacy and splayed my AIM name (muffiehbs05) out on the entire interwebs, I now get any number of dipsticks asking me for a date. True, I had this one passable one in email already and I already had to ignore a bunch of tools in my inbox, but then you find out that some of the ones you are hoping have promise just wither away without even a fight when you shine even a dim light on them. I swear, I don’t know how you are supposed to meet someone when you work for a highly prestigious investment bank like I do.

Anyhow, so in a weak moment, I get this email, I respond to it, I have to wait 22 hours (which is intolerable for a date planning session and then this is what I get:

(after the jump)

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

Sometimes, it is important to look back at your inner circle of friends and reflect on why they all remain there and who might need to be excommunicated from the circle. That said, and since certain scabs haven’t been very supportive lately, I’ve put together a little list of the reasons to remind myself of why Bess is important to me. (This is a good exercise to do- try it with your friends, family, relatives. What is it they have done for you lately).

Here are ten reasons Bess, despite her being absolutely beastly to me lately, is the best.

(After the Jump)

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

The time has come to have a serious discussion about workplace privacy. I have been shocked recently to learn that employees generally have no expectation of privacy in their workplace in the United States. Their telephone calls, conversations, personal liaisons and internet chat conversations can be monitored with impunity by corrupt, draconian (and creepy) superiors without due process, a warrant, or any kind of judicial review.

Given the kind of intimate things that often go on in the office, I think it is time to recognize that this is one of the most concerning issues of our time. I just happen to know some people personally, three friends of mine, who have been personally impacted by this issue just in the last 48 hours. Their personal, private conversation about important subjects was captured by an employer, and then maliciously reposted all over the internet for everyone to see.

Really, if some people want to know so badly about the personal lives of some other people or what they were doing last night or who they were doing it with or where and with how many other people, they should just ask rather than abuse their power to steal secret conversations and publish them.

Imagine their surprise when my father’s lawyer told them that they had basically “no recourse” against their employer for invasion of privacy.

One of them was very upset and is strongly considering resigning her important executive position. You can see yourself from our chat how upset she was (after the jump).

(I have changed her name because she doesn’t know I am posting this).

Muffie Benson-Perella (muffie AT dealbreaker.com) is an Associate in the Investment Banking Division of a “Bulge Bracket” bank. She holds a B.A. in French and Art from Vassar College and an M.B.A. from Harvard Business School. Her regular column “Heard in the Suite” is a probing (and, ahem, fictional) weekly look into the secret lives and behind the velvet curtains of the investment banking world.

It is a recurring theme here in “Heard in the Suite” that working in the most substantive practice group at the most prestigious investment bank around is not for everyone. Even the most dedicated professionals sometimes have problems maintaining a healthy work-life balance. Sometimes neglecting the “play” in “work hard, play hard” is a big mistake. The harder the work the harder the play needed to maintain the balance. Fortunately, in a culture of success like my employer’s, there is a group of unsung heroes that the firm has invested piles of money into and who are dedicated to servicing the critical professional employees.

It is true that the people in Human Resources are typically disaffected, bitter women. Who better to understand the trials and travails of those of us who haven’t known much hardship until recently?