Steve Jobs

  • 28 Aug 2008 at 2:51 PM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Is Dead Still Alive

Relax. Steve Jobs is not dead even though you might have read his obituary yesterday on Bloomberg. The financial news service was updating its obituary on Jobs and accidentally published it on its wires.
“It was momentarily posted on the external wire, in error, and immediately deleted (within thirty seconds),” a spokeswoman for Bloomberg told DealBreaker.
It’s not likely many were fooled into thinking the head of Apple was dead. It was full of blank spaces marked “TK” and “XXXX.” The obituary contains notes on who to contact for comments on the death of Jobs. Named are Steve Wozniak, Larry Ellison, Al Gore, Bill Gates and Eric Schmidt, among others. So now Jobs knows who he should suck up to if he wants them to say nice things about him when he’s dead.
The subheads tell you most of what you need to know. The first is appealingly morbid: “Time Is Limited.” The rest read: “Change the World” “Mac” “Reality Distortion Field” “Sugared Water” “`Toy Story’ Success” “Back to Apple” “We’re Back” “Backdated Options” “Common Bug” “Great Work.” Gotta love that sequence of back, back, backdaing, bug, RIP. (Gawker posted the whole thing here.)
Just in case this happens again, we suggest you check here for updates on the vitality of Jobs before trading.
The story also contains a canned explanation of the likely drop in Apple’s stock. After the jump, read why the stock drop “is no surprise to investors and analysts.”

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  • 25 Sep 2007 at 10:37 AM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Will Kill The Infidels

iphone.jpgApple issued a stern warning yesterday to cult members that they may “permanently damage” their cell phone/iPod combos by using “unlocking programs” in an effort to get the Cadillac of mobiles to work on unauthorized, non-AT&T networks. Speaking in hushed tones the company was vague in describing the actual technical problems, only saying that fraternization with the evil programs (that might jeopardize their licensing agreement with AT&T) would render the phone “permanently inoperable” when users install future software updates. Any issues that arise from the installation of forbidden software are not covered in the warranty.
In a recent interview, Mock Turtleneck cackled at the idea of being threatened by such programs. “It’s a cat-and-mouse game,” the High Priest of A said. “We have a lot of really good cats.”
Apple Sounds Warning on iPhones [WSJ]

  • 20 Sep 2007 at 5:02 PM
  • Apple

Justin Long, However, Is Definitely Going To Prison

apple.jpgSteve Jobs has been subpoenaed by the SEC to be deposed in a backdating case against Apple’s former general counsel, Nancy Heinen. Though the news sent shares of the fruit down 1 percent, with a $140.31 close (-0.33%), investors should rest assured that while Heinen may fry, this doesn’t mean jack for the company or Steve.* Why? Because, in SJ’s words, “Fuck you, that’s why, I’m Steve Jobs. Death to the right click. Buy an iPod. Or don’t. I could really care less either way. It’s your funeral.”
Jobs subpoenaed over Apple stock scandal [The Guardian]
*Who backdating specialist Al Gore cleared of any wrongdoing earlier in the year.

Or spend on babes, or light on fire–JUST ‘CAUSE HE CAN.
Breaking: Apple Offering $100 Store Credit For All iPhone Owners [Gizmodo]

  • 04 Sep 2007 at 4:01 PM
  • Apple

AAPL Watch

apple.jpgSo tomorrow Apple will hold a special event in San Francisco called “And the Beat Goes On,” presumably to make some sort of an announcement about iPods that could raise shares to the sort of levels that would allow Mock Turtleneck to continue to enjoy the sartorial lifestyle he and his cervical spine have grown accustomed to, for many years to come. The most pervasive rumor-on which shares of AAPL have risen 18.8%-is a new line “with significantly greater functionality at current price points, including the much-anticipated full-screen video iPod,” according to Goldman Sachs analyst David Bailey. And that would be good, considering that in the middle of last year, Apple’s iPod sales dropped for the first time since the slightly more compact Disc Man debuted in 2002, a failure largely blamed on a dearth of new versions.
But what, exactly does Jobs possibly have up his sleeve? There’s talk of the new ‘Pods running on OS X; a Wi-Fi-enabled iPod that would allow for wireless music and video; and the introduction of the Beatles to iTunes. If you work for JP Morgan, you probably also think that a low-cost, Nano-sized iPhone is on the horizon. Then there are the fringe rumors that the new iPod will: feature no buttons, knobs or screens of any kind, instead employing newly-patented mind-reading technology for functionality; produce a force-field causing all Zune products within a 200-foot radius to immolate, rendering them as useful as they are in non-burned-to-a-crisp state; and come with videos personally damning to Microsoft founder Bill Gates, preloaded.
And, of course, the name of the invite-only conference seems to indicate that a reception will follow featuring group sex led by Sonny (surprise! SJ is a necrophiliac) and Cher, while the video for “The Beat Goes On” plays on an 80 GB iPod plugged into speakers nearby. Stay tuned.
Apple’s ‘Beat’ To Go On Tomorrow (Be Here!) [CNBC]
Apple likely to introduce new iPod with large touch screen [Times Online]

When iPhones Fail

img_3459_iphone-we-need-to-talk.jpgWouldn’t it suck if you paid $50,000 for a cell phone/iPod combo and then couldn’t activate it? Perhaps we should ask the 2% of iPhone purchases who suffered such a fate, which, according to estimates by Steve Jobs, translates to roughly 1 billion people.
Jay Gurfein bought his mobile Friday night at an Apple store in Nassau County (…). As of Sunday afternoon, he hadn’t been able to use the device. And just to make things interesting, when the Jay-man-LI initially tried to activate his service, AT&T immediately ended service on his existing BlackBerry, leaving him alone in the world for “more than 45 hours.”. By late Sunday night, AT&T, having had a spark lit under its ass by iGod himself, had gotten Gurfein’s phone on and given him a $150 credit for ruining his life.
In Louisiana, pretty much the same deal happened to Jaci Russo, except she also dropped two calls. In Murray Hill, one disgruntled user reported his iPhone’s failure to get him laid, even after whipping it out Joshua Tree and asking several female patrons if they’d like to touch it. Steve Jobs–sleep with one eye open.
Some iPhones Are Stuck on Hold [WSJ]

  • 18 Jun 2007 at 8:51 AM
  • Apple

Steve Jobs Resigns!

We keep thinking it would have been better if they had mentioned backdating. But maybe that’s just us.

  • 25 May 2007 at 1:25 PM
  • Apple

AAPL Looking To Crack Above $115

Things that had no effect on Apple’s share price: Jobs’s backdating, the iPhone-Engadget blooper, Portnoy fucking (an) Apple.