all hands to the fire

  • 09 Jun 2010 at 4:33 PM

Start Living Again With A $35k/Night Hotel Room

As previously mentioned, now that the good times are here again, you can buy that $300,000 car you’ve had your eye on without feeling like people are judging you. You know what else you can do? Nay, that you’re obligated to do? Book a stay in a $35,000 per night hotel room. God, that feels so good to be able to say. Of course, no matter how the economy’s doing, there will always be haters who will question what you get for dropping 35 G’s. At the Four Season’s Ty Warner Penthouse, actually quite a bit of bang for your buck. A Maybach or Rolls-Royce (including driver, natch). At least two people devoted solely to the task of making sure your ass touches nothing but the finest of TP. The comfort of knowing no one gets on the cleaning staff without an MBA and CFA. A Venetian silk bedspread, atop a mattress that spontaneously blows you the moment you get in. And light bulbs. Lots of ‘em!

The suite has about 850 light bulbs: Mr. Graziosi keeps about 30 different types on hand for quick replacements. The dark mahogany lacquer bookshelves in the library alone feature about 400 bulbs illuminating a history, art, and biography collection. The $120,000 chandelier over the dinning room table is made of more than 100 tiny fiber optic bulbs. Only four of the 42-person housekeeping staff are allowed to clean the room. They receive two extra weeks of training, says Margie Garay, director of housekeeping at the hotel, learning how use special chemicals that won’t erode the room’s delicate surfaces. “We don’t use Pledge,” she says.

You know what they do use? The Internet, prior to your arrival, so they can see what type of porn you’ve recently downloaded in order make sure you’ve got all your faves. Ass Traffic Volumes 1-8 (9 and on are shit)? The entire TrannyBoy series? It’ll be waiting for you upon check-in. Read more »